Can’t stand my ex-husband

[Anonymous]

Vent post. My ex-husband makes me sick. He is just not a nice person. I often wonder how I was ever in love with him. I dunno that person is gone forever.

We have two kids and I try to co-parent respectfully with bare minimum text communication. Every blue moon we have to talk on the phone or in person and frequently it just goes to a nasty place on his part. He always assumes the worst about me. I just don’t get it. I see us as parents on the same team. Nobody will love our kids like we do.

That’s all. it’s sad. I hate my kids don’t get to have parents who can be in the same room.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I will also add that people in my personal life think I’m a sweet person. From what I can tell my ex is kind to others. it’s just me specifically who he is nasty to. It’s just really sad that he sees me and treats me like some sort of monster.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t like you. Absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Increase the space between yourself and him.
When you do have to interact - keep it classy. If he attempts to go low. End the convo and stop engaging.

[Anonymous]

Hey - just empathy here. I have been divorced since 2018 and I'm still astounded how my ex treats me. I don't get it. I never will. And I'm also sad that our kids notice and will ask me why he's mean to me, and I still have to be the bigger person and navigate that question carefully. But because of how my ex treats me, there isn't even a way to have that conversation with him.

I was always hopeful we'd coparent well. And we did okay for a few years and then it just got worse and worse over the years for some reason and now we just parallel parent.

So I get it. I see you. I understand you. And I'm sorry. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

I would guess he has resentment toward you, perhaps due to child support or alimony or taking a % of "his" assets, setting him back.

Not that this is rational, but money can make people crazy.

Do you work? Have you moved on and he hasn't? Or, back to the money, if he has moved on he could be limited due to what he has to pay.

Again, not an excuse, but if YOU want it to be better for your kids, if you can wrap your head around the WHY he acts this way you might be able to better ignore his behavior. I'm sure your kids sense your aggravation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He doesn’t like you. Absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Increase the space between yourself and him.
When you do have to interact - keep it classy. If he attempts to go low. End the convo and stop engaging.

OP here. This is what I do. There is not much more space we can have. I don’t want him to like me. Basic respect would be nice. But I don’t think that will be happening, so just venting.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand. But we’ve been divorced about 13 years and I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that he hates me and also thinks the worst of me. We are just about done having kids under the age of 18 so I won’t have to talk to him too much longer.

[Anonymous]

File for 100% custody. Do it now while your kids are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would guess he has resentment toward you, perhaps due to child support or alimony or taking a % of "his" assets, setting him back.

Not that this is rational, but money can make people crazy.

Do you work? Have you moved on and he hasn't? Or, back to the money, if he has moved on he could be limited due to what he has to pay.

Again, not an excuse, but if YOU want it to be better for your kids, if you can wrap your head around the WHY he acts this way you might be able to better ignore his behavior. I'm sure your kids sense your aggravation.

OP here. This is probably a part of it. I work and have a good job. We both have moved romantically. Our marriage ended 5 years ago, but his hatred lingers. I feel like he just hates that I exist and that he can’t completely walk away from me because we have kids. For me it’s a counterproductive way to view things. I can’t take back that he is their dad, so I deal with it and stay nice.

The kids don’t know I’m aggravated. it used to show when we first split but now I don’t let them see any whiff of it.

[Anonymous]

I hear your vent Op. I’m still mid-divorce and go through similar questions of what I did to make my STBX express such hatred towards me.

He’s always been able to put on a normal face for outsiders while behaving very differently at home. All I can assume is that I’m the only person who’s ever known him well enough to really know him, and it terrifies him to know that someone knows the truth. Maybe yours is similar?

I saw something that I remember frequently when I question why he would treat our children badly or me badly in front of them: he hates me more than he loves them. I love my children more than anything so it’s hard to wrap my mind around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear your vent Op. I’m still mid-divorce and go through similar questions of what I did to make my STBX express such hatred towards me.

He’s always been able to put on a normal face for outsiders while behaving very differently at home. All I can assume is that I’m the only person who’s ever known him well enough to really know him, and it terrifies him to know that someone knows the truth. Maybe yours is similar?

I saw something that I remember frequently when I question why he would treat our children badly or me badly in front of them: he hates me more than he loves them. I love my children more than anything so it’s hard to wrap my mind around that.

Yes. Outsiders have no idea how he feels about me. They were shocked when we divorced. They have no idea that behind closed doors he was cruel to me daily and physically violent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File for 100% custody. Do it now while your kids are young.

No, how do you treat him? Why did you get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess he has resentment toward you, perhaps due to child support or alimony or taking a % of "his" assets, setting him back.

Not that this is rational, but money can make people crazy.

Do you work? Have you moved on and he hasn't? Or, back to the money, if he has moved on he could be limited due to what he has to pay.

Again, not an excuse, but if YOU want it to be better for your kids, if you can wrap your head around the WHY he acts this way you might be able to better ignore his behavior. I'm sure your kids sense your aggravation.

OP here. This is probably a part of it. I work and have a good job. We both have moved romantically. Our marriage ended 5 years ago, but his hatred lingers. I feel like he just hates that I exist and that he can’t completely walk away from me because we have kids. For me it’s a counterproductive way to view things. I can’t take back that he is their dad, so I deal with it and stay nice.

The kids don’t know I’m aggravated. it used to show when we first split but now I don’t let them see any whiff of it.

PP here. OP, you sound level headed in a way that he is not. His resentment of his former life and obligations to his first family is probably poisoning him. I hope he is a good father at the very least. And good for you that you keep it to yourself. In fact, I wonder if your "high road" dealing with him makes him hate you even more. I wonder if he is actually unhappy in his "new" life and hates to see you seeming like life is good. Whatever the case, people's psychology is next to impossible to change. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear your vent Op. I’m still mid-divorce and go through similar questions of what I did to make my STBX express such hatred towards me.

He’s always been able to put on a normal face for outsiders while behaving very differently at home. All I can assume is that I’m the only person who’s ever known him well enough to really know him, and it terrifies him to know that someone knows the truth. Maybe yours is similar?

I saw something that I remember frequently when I question why he would treat our children badly or me badly in front of them: he hates me more than he loves them. I love my children more than anything so it’s hard to wrap my mind around that.

Yes. Outsiders have no idea how he feels about me. They were shocked when we divorced. They have no idea that behind closed doors he was cruel to me daily and physically violent.

Ah, clearly the only way he can continue to be cruel to you is by being an ass. At least you got out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear your vent Op. I’m still mid-divorce and go through similar questions of what I did to make my STBX express such hatred towards me.

He’s always been able to put on a normal face for outsiders while behaving very differently at home. All I can assume is that I’m the only person who’s ever known him well enough to really know him, and it terrifies him to know that someone knows the truth. Maybe yours is similar?

I saw something that I remember frequently when I question why he would treat our children badly or me badly in front of them: he hates me more than he loves them. I love my children more than anything so it’s hard to wrap my mind around that.

Yes. Outsiders have no idea how he feels about me. They were shocked when we divorced. They have no idea that behind closed doors he was cruel to me daily and physically violent.

You’re replying to me and I think we have an explanation for you. Mine was violent and controlling behind closed doors and has recently slipped and acted in a volatile way in view of others. Although it isn’t even worth knowing since you can’t fix him, it seems clear that your exDH really enjoys looking like the good guy who didn’t mess up his life and discard his family. You hold the truth. As long as he “punishes” you with his cruel behavior for knowing the truth and the real version of him, he thinks he can keep you in line and ensure that you won’t be able to get anyone to believe who he really is. He’s basically quietly threatening and bullying you making sure you know that his baseline is cruelty and if you ever told the truth or tried to promote a different truth, it could be so much worse.

Maybe he’s a fragile narcissist. Maybe he has some other personality disorder. Maybe he’s a psychopath. Maybe he’s just a jerk. Whatever it is, the only option is to engage minimally. I know you said you sometimes talk on the phone but if I were in your shoes I would shift everything quietly but decisively to writing.