How to deal with loss of confidence at U11

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen this pattern before and would encourage you to broaden your horizons as you search for an answer. It could be gender dysphoria.

Is this sarcasm? Lord i hope so. Lady asked for reasons son may have lost interest in soccer and someone randomly says try gender dysphoria....lol hahaha holy lord. This post may be an all time great on this board.

Seriously…WTF 😂

[Anonymous]

Definitely talk to your husband about focusing on positive reinforcement over criticism.

I was like your husband with my oldest son. He was a decent player but never truly had a love for the game, and I put too much pressure on him. Around U13 he stepped off the travel soccer train and just enjoyed house/rec and later high school soccer and things were much better after I learned to back off.

With my second son, he loves soccer and was a standout player up until puberty hit his age group. As a late bloomer for puberty, he fell behind in the raw athleticism (raw speed, strength, etc.) and I saw his confidence wane over his last year of intense travel soccer (age 12). When he was dropped from the top team we decided to step back and just focus on having fun and playing for school and seeing where things go from here. At 13 still loves the game but hasn't gotten back on the intense travel soccer track yet, and not sure if he ever will.

So, while you should definitely talk with your husband and focus on positivity over criticism, don't feel too bad either way -- kids often reach a point where for whatever reason they lose the intense drive or desire to stay at the top level in soccer. And that's OK. The most important thing is supporting them and making it fun -- that's what the love of the game is all about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seen this pattern before and would encourage you to broaden your horizons as you search for an answer. It could be gender dysphoria.

Um what

[Anonymous]

We had something similar at that exact time, and what worked for us was getting a trainer who just worked on different things with him. That work helped lead to a confidence boost and while U11 wasn't overall the best he turned it around near the end and had a great U12 season.

At U16 something similar but different happened, but the way out was more around working day by day, and fixing things - more internal than external.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen this pattern before and would encourage you to broaden your horizons as you search for an answer. It could be gender dysphoria.

Um what

It’s the fancy way of saying perhaps the DS feels more like a DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like a couple things may be going on: 1) your son's enjoyment of soccer has been tied to how much success he has had, so now when success isn't coming he doesn't like it as much; and/or 2) your son is feeling pressure from dad, coach, teammates, or himself to keep performing at a certain level and feels bad that it isn't happening. Maybe a little of both.

I think U11 is kind of a common age for kids to start losing interest, especially if they have been on a top team since they started at U8 or U9. Other kids start catching up, and all of a sudden they aren't the star they once were and they sense people are asking "what happened?". Even worse if it's the parents. Because most times as an athlete you don't know why you are hitting a slump, so being asked that just makes you frustrated. A true love of the game can help kids persist through slumps. But if they are realizing they don't love it, they might feel like it's not worth it to keep trying. I would try to figure out if your son is starting to like soccer less, or if they feel worried that they are letting coach and dad down if they aren't playing as much or as well as they did last year.

All of this. Does your kid practice and do drills on his own? If not, club soccer is pointless, and he may or may not see improvements.

[Anonymous]

In addition to some of the reasonable comments above, I also wouldn’t discount the effects of sickness. My kid was sick on and off a lot for about a month and it takes quite a bit of time to get full energy (physical and mental) back after they seem over it. Also this is an age where other kids are still learning to be good teammates and there can be blame and meanness instead of support. They all need to learn those skills and it takes time. Perhaps some teammates are saying things. Who knows, but I’d definitely continue to approach it with him and be supportive, if you guys take him out to kick the ball around with no coaching or pointers or pressure, just fun as a family, that might be helpful too.

[Anonymous]

Your impression of your husband is bad if you are looking at him as a scapegoat for your son liking soccer any more.

Talk to the kid without blaming your husband.

A kid should be tough to handle a little criticism, especially when as you say you don't even see it as criticism.

If Jan--July birth find another sport, if Aug-Dec finding another team for next year should be easy.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's great you recognize the issues and are seeking help for strategies to help your kid out! That is commendable!

-My big thing my wife and I have talked out about is to only tell our DD U12 that "we really enjoyed watching her play on the field after the game!" And to highlight something she did good at.

-Both you and your husband watch the Sidelineproject.org take the pledge!!!

-Our DD puts enough pressure on herself and knows when she made a mistake, she does not need us to beat her confidence down by saying the could have done better at X, Y or Z.

-If our DD says she made a mistake or says she could have done better with something, we just say its ok, no player is perfect, by recognizing that mistake, that is how you grow and get better!

-Top Team Coaches can be very tough. They watch a player in practice all week and watch them in the pre-game warm up and decide the starting line up. It will take some time before your kid could get their starting spot back. Just remind your kid to keep doing great at practice and at the pre-game practice and his spot will probably come back.

-I would also consider enrolling your kid in some ball clinics or get some lessons to boost his confidence. Usually 3-6 classes will help your player level up, the confidence will start to shine through!

-Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your impression of your husband is bad if you are looking at him as a scapegoat for your son liking soccer any more.

Talk to the kid without blaming your husband.

A kid should be tough to handle a little criticism, especially when as you say you don't even see it as criticism.

If Jan--July birth find another sport, if Aug-Dec finding another team for next year should be easy.

"If Jan--July birth find another sport" - why would you say this, you think a few months makes that big of a difference and can never be circumvented by skill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your impression of your husband is bad if you are looking at him as a scapegoat for your son liking soccer any more.

Talk to the kid without blaming your husband.

A kid should be tough to handle a little criticism, especially when as you say you don't even see it as criticism.

If Jan--July birth find another sport, if Aug-Dec finding another team for next year should be easy.

"If Jan--July birth find another sport" - why would you say this, you think a few months makes that big of a difference and can never be circumvented by skill?

If OP‘s kid is struggling right now, it is possible that with upcoming tryouts he will be bumped down a team by older kids repeating U11. From what OP described, being moved down might kill her son‘s motivation altogether. It’s probably worth at least considering that possibility as it could be a good way to gauge how much the kid actually likes soccer. A kid who loves it is still going to want to play even if they’re not on the top team.

If I were OP, I would try to find out if the coach is maybe saying things when parents aren’t around that are killing her son‘s confidence or making him not want to go to practice. This happened on my son‘s team last year with a kid who quit midway through the season. Turned out the coach was saying horrible things to the kids. We switched to a different club even before we knew the full extent of it because we were not interested in another year with a toxic coach. If it is a coaching issue, OP should try to find out if that coach is staying with the team next year and if so, start looking around now before tryouts. Moving to a new team could help with confidence and motivation if the coach is in fact the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seen this pattern before and would encourage you to broaden your horizons as you search for an answer. It could be gender dysphoria.

Don’t discount this. I have two friends, one in Raleigh one in LA, who discovered this too late

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only two things can destroy confidence for u13 and below players.

1. Coach (detrimental, mean and focuses more on mistakes rather than creativity and learning. It's ok to make mistakes. Punish kids for making mistakes. Wants only wins for personal gain or to please the club)

2. Dad (wants only to win, grills kids before and after games. Screaming from the sidelines, wants kid to be the best player on the team to brag).

Soccer should be fun at all times. The best players have fun when they play (Ronaldinho, Neymar. Messi , etc). I have seen the best players are the ones who have the quietest parents who are supportive (of course you have to have an excellent coach for this to work).

Good luck and I hope he can regain his confidence. If he is on the top team he has potential. Don't let it go to waste.

I would add a third. Teammates at this age can have a big impact too on some kids. My DS lost tons of confidence when other players yelled at him and said you suck when he lost the ball or missed some shots on goal. It got to the point where all he did was pass as soon as he got the ball even if the right thing to do was shoot or dribble. it took almost a year after some of those kids left the team for him to play freely again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen this pattern before and would encourage you to broaden your horizons as you search for an answer. It could be gender dysphoria.

Is this sarcasm? Lord i hope so. Lady asked for reasons son may have lost interest in soccer and someone randomly says try gender dysphoria....lol hahaha holy lord. This post may be an all time great on this board.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only two things can destroy confidence for u13 and below players.

1. Coach (detrimental, mean and focuses more on mistakes rather than creativity and learning. It's ok to make mistakes. Punish kids for making mistakes. Wants only wins for personal gain or to please the club)

2. Dad (wants only to win, grills kids before and after games. Screaming from the sidelines, wants kid to be the best player on the team to brag).

Soccer should be fun at all times. The best players have fun when they play (Ronaldinho, Neymar. Messi , etc). I have seen the best players are the ones who have the quietest parents who are supportive (of course you have to have an excellent coach for this to work).

Good luck and I hope he can regain his confidence. If he is on the top team he has potential. Don't let it go to waste.

I would add a third. Teammates at this age can have a big impact too on some kids. My DS lost tons of confidence when other players yelled at him and said you suck when he lost the ball or missed some shots on goal. It got to the point where all he did was pass as soon as he got the ball even if the right thing to do was shoot or dribble. it took almost a year after some of those kids left the team for him to play freely again

Yep, left a team partly due to this dynamic. I don't understand parents who aren't proactive in telling their kids not to do this to teammates. It's such crappy behavior. I have noticed the kids who do this usually have parents who are highly critical. So I think they turn it outward because they feel bad about what is being said to them (kind of like how bullies at school are usually being bullied at home).