How to deal with loss of confidence at U11
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Anonymous
| Our son has been playing in the top team of his club for 3 years. Initially all was great. He seemed to really enjoy everything soccer related and was doing well on the team. Up until the last season he was consistently one of the starters and often would not even get subbed out the entire game. This season nothing seems to be going well. He has been sick for a while and in the games he played he did not really contribute much. During the latest tournament the coach mostly kept him on the bench which was new and quite upsetting for him. But when he was on the field he barely touched the ball. He suddenly looks completely lost when he plays and lacking any intensity. He has now convinced himself that he is a terrible player and is avoiding anything soccer related. He even faked an injury in the last practice and sat it out. He refuses to talk to us about it and his coach is not a person who deeply connects to the players and does anything to help them build confidence. Where do we go from here? What is the best way to help him get his groove back? I also wonder to what extent parent behavior could have contributed to this outcome. His dad can get quite excited about the games and my impression is that my son perceives his feedback as a constant criticism which could have contributed to him feeling as a failure. Long story short, I would be quite curious about opinions on how to navigate this. To be clear, we are not hoping for him to be pro or even caring about college scholarships. We are just wondering if we or the club environment somehow managed to kill his passion and how to try to get it back. |
Anonymous
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Confidence isn't loss at that age. It is taken away or destroyed.
By either coach or parents or both |
Anonymous
| I would look at moving him into an environment where he can hopefully: 1) get relief from the pressure, 2) have success, and 3) ENJOY playing. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like the problem might be Dad according to your comments. Maybe as PP suggests and play down a little to get his confidence back. Encourage, help, discuss but over the top criticism from Dad ain’t the answer. |
Anonymous
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Read can actual read Carol Dweck’s mindset or take him through this book designed for kids:
Bubble Gum Brain: A Picture Book... https://www.amazon.com/dp/193787043X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share He may need to take a step back in terms of competition and get with a team that will enable him to play and build confidence. I would have someone bigger and stronger than you husband have a discussion about your development. I would do any and everything to foster of love for the game versus a dependency on his status within the game. |
Anonymous
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Your son sounds burned out. A kid who suddenly “looks lost,” avoids soccer, and fakes an injury to get out of practice isn’t a puzzle. He isn’t having fun anymore but it seems like he’s having a hard time telling you and DH.
Also, if Dad’s “excitement” reads to the child as constant criticism, that’s probably the headline. You say you’re not aiming for pro or scholarships, but the environment you describe is exactly the one built for families who very much are. Maybe the move isn’t figuring out how to get his groove back on the top team. Maybe it’s letting him step off the treadmill for a while and remember that soccer is a game. The stakes here are actually very low. Let him find something he IS passionate about if soccer isn’t it. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like a couple things may be going on: 1) your son's enjoyment of soccer has been tied to how much success he has had, so now when success isn't coming he doesn't like it as much; and/or 2) your son is feeling pressure from dad, coach, teammates, or himself to keep performing at a certain level and feels bad that it isn't happening. Maybe a little of both.
I think U11 is kind of a common age for kids to start losing interest, especially if they have been on a top team since they started at U8 or U9. Other kids start catching up, and all of a sudden they aren't the star they once were and they sense people are asking "what happened?". Even worse if it's the parents. Because most times as an athlete you don't know why you are hitting a slump, so being asked that just makes you frustrated. A true love of the game can help kids persist through slumps. But if they are realizing they don't love it, they might feel like it's not worth it to keep trying. I would try to figure out if your son is starting to like soccer less, or if they feel worried that they are letting coach and dad down if they aren't playing as much or as well as they did last year. |
Anonymous
| Tell the dad to chill and see if your son can work it out for himself. Talk to him but I think moving him to another team or stopping now (quitting) is bad modeling for how to deal with adversity. He's growing, changing and maturing. This is just a part of his development process. If he doesn't want to play next year, so be it but this sounds like a perfect age appropriate "crisis" that will help him build character or learn that something he once loved isn't right for him anymore. I just think intervening in something he can do for himself sets a bad precedent. But we all raise our kids differently so I accept that others could reasonably disagree. |
Anonymous
| Is he playing with the ball on his own? Sometimes raw athleticism stops cutting it - you are no longer the biggest or fastest, or everyone is just as big, and just fast; and then the technical wizards start to emerge. This is a good age for individual backyard work - it will help his confidence when his “style” starts to show up… |
Anonymous
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Only two things can destroy confidence for u13 and below players.
1. Coach (detrimental, mean and focuses more on mistakes rather than creativity and learning. It's ok to make mistakes. Punish kids for making mistakes. Wants only wins for personal gain or to please the club) 2. Dad (wants only to win, grills kids before and after games. Screaming from the sidelines, wants kid to be the best player on the team to brag). Soccer should be fun at all times. The best players have fun when they play (Ronaldinho, Neymar. Messi , etc). I have seen the best players are the ones who have the quietest parents who are supportive (of course you have to have an excellent coach for this to work). Good luck and I hope he can regain his confidence. If he is on the top team he has potential. Don't let it go to waste. |
Anonymous
| I have seen this pattern before and would encourage you to broaden your horizons as you search for an answer. It could be gender dysphoria. |
Anonymous
| OP could have made their post one line and said, how do I blame my sons father...lol. your child is 10 or 11 years old. Could be a number of reasons. Sit down in an informal way with him and figure it out without leading him to an answer you want to hear. It is called being a parent. |
Anonymous
Is this sarcasm? Lord i hope so. Lady asked for reasons son may have lost interest in soccer and someone randomly says try gender dysphoria....lol hahaha holy lord. This post may be an all time great on this board. |
Anonymous
I'm going to disagree. My 10 year old is extremely hard on themselves. This year they were required to play defense more often than not and I could see how much they weren't enjoying themselves. After talking to them it turned out they internalized that if the other team scored everyone on their team would blame them. I can't say this is the case here but to assume that no kids put pressure on themselves without outside forces is just not true. |
Anonymous
| You seriously come to an anonymous board for advice on raising your kid. Scary |