How to deal with loss of confidence at U11

[Anonymous]

It's hard when you think (or are being told that) you're one of the best players on the team because you aren't being constantly pushed to improve. So when the other kids improve and take your spot, it seems like it's a personal failure. Add in a possibly overbearing parent, it would make a lot of kids shy away from soccer.

I agree with the post about mindset. Soccer is about growth. You might want to find a team where they focus more on that. My youngest is on a U10 team, every kid gets at least 50% if not equal playing time. The only time it's more unequal is during a tournament championship game. My middle kid's team was like that until U13, and I would argue that every kid still gets at least 40% playing time.

[Anonymous]

Consider you might be asking the wrong question. Maybe instead of asking how to make him confident to enjoy soccer again, ask yourself if he really wants to be playing soccer at all. As kids reach middle school they start to get their own interests that might be different from what they did before or their parents want like to do. Allow him to decide for himself if soccer is what he wants and make sure he knows you support him either way. Maybe he wants to try other sports, or even non-sports activities (no!). Give him freedom to explore and find his own things that he is good at, enjoys, and that’s where the confidence comes.

[Anonymous]

U11 is a tough year. We left a nightmare coach who favored another coach’s son for every game and played him in 2-3 games per weekend, pitted kids against each other, said coach’s son took every corner kick free kick and penalty, had zero relationship with any of the boys who played for him, and exercised zero care or caution for the kids who played for him except one: the other coach’s son. It could have destroyed my kid!!! But we cut our losses and signed him up for another year-round sport that he was interested in, and after a couple of months, sure enough he has signed again for another Soccer Team – a dramatically better club with an incredible coach. Listen to that inner voice that tells you something is wrong and if you need to make a change, do it!!! We have never looked back!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:U11 is a tough year. We left a nightmare coach who favored another coach’s son for every game and played him in 2-3 games per weekend, pitted kids against each other, said coach’s son took every corner kick free kick and penalty, had zero relationship with any of the boys who played for him, and exercised zero care or caution for the kids who played for him except one: the other coach’s son. It could have destroyed my kid!!! But we cut our losses and signed him up for another year-round sport that he was interested in, and after a couple of months, sure enough he has signed again for another Soccer Team – a dramatically better club with an incredible coach. Listen to that inner voice that tells you something is wrong and if you need to make a change, do it!!! We have never looked back!!

Club environments can be toxic. We have seen a little bit of this on the girls side. Our coach has a few star players and they focus all their development on them. They guest player them constantly with other teams for their development. Then when they come back to our team, they play most of the game and let them dribble as much as possible for their development. -Most of the other kids get subbed out/ rotated and are treated differently. The kids don't care for it. This is at U12..... so yeah, Coaches can be jerks. The only way to fight it, is to keep practicing (outside of the club) and potentially leave for next season.

[Anonymous]

Things that have helped my DD when she's down on herself are playing rec with her school friends or guesting with a lower level team within her club when they need players. Also hanging out with her teammates and doing something fun & not soccer related is good. Or doing a training with a coach / trainer that she likes & that isn't directly affiliated with her club. Maybe your son can do one of those things?

Some of this is kind of normal though, and you have to let him work his way through it. Let him know that you support him and you're willing to get him the resources he needs if there's something he wants to work on (might be helpful to identify specific options if there are things that you think would help). Also let him know that there are a lot of ways to play the game and he doesn't have to be at the super highest level if he doesn't enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks to the PPs for all the kind words and insights. And to the two posters who could not resist being AHs, no I don't raise my kid through advice received via anonymous fora, but it is helpful to hear other people's experiences. We are also talking to his wonderful teachers and might talk to a psychologist if it turns out necessary but for now we are not quite there yet.

I also want to make clear I am not trying to blame my husband. I was just trying to think through what might have gone wrong and why soccer suddenly became a source of stress and whether part of the problem might actually have come from our side. Neither of us were ever athletes at any level and this is something entirely new for us to navigate. I am mostly trying to figure out how to balance not pushing him into something he might not want to do anymore with not letting him give up too easily.

We will definitely try to take some of the suggestions, work on mindset, stop any criticism and try to help him enjoy the sport again. We are aware he is likely to be dropped next year (also because he will be one of the youngest in the new system), but as some mentioned, it might be a blessing in disguise. The good thing is that regardless of where he ends up there will be a change in coach, as the current one already announced he will leave next year. So now we just need to somehow push through the rest of the season.

[Anonymous]

My son starting hating soccer at U10 after loving to play. It turns out he hated the travel part - driving long distances to games. We put him on an MSI Classic team and he loves soccer again. He gets to play with his friends and everything is local. Wish we knew about it before we started the travel at such a young age. He was on the 2nd team at a club and I will say that the level of play in Classic is the same as we saw with the 2nd team games - at this age (no idea if it will look different as he goes into MS). He’s a good player and I have no idea if he will ever want to try for a more competitive team. We’ll let him lead since our priority is him being outside and active.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. It's tough to watch your kid go through the ups and downs. I'm sure there are lots of factors but ultimately your kid needs your unconditional love and support right now. He needs to know that you will love him no matter how he performs in soccer and that you'll be there for him.

I will say, as a mental health professional, I am really struggling listening to a few of the parents (mostly Dads) at U8 practices. Most parents are great but there are a few that really stand out at our club. It's a constant barrage of criticism, disappointed sighs/looks and threats ("do you want to go home? If you're not gonna even try, we'll just go home!"). To a 7 year old at PRACTICE. My blood pressure gets raised standing next to them, so I can't imagine the kid. One of the boys can no longer make any decisions on the field without looking at his Dad for approval. He's seven years old and his confidence is already that damaged. Parents need to keep perspective and be more self-aware about how their own hang ups are impacting their kids.

My DH and I have promised to help each other keep perspective as our kids get older and make sure our priorities are straight. It sounds like your DH's behavior had some impact here. And while you are certainly not to blame for his behavior, you do have a responsibility to ensure he is aware of it and knows it's taking a toll on your child. I really hope your kid can find a love for the game (or whatever makes him happy) again. With the right support, kids are amazingly resilient!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It's tough to watch your kid go through the ups and downs. I'm sure there are lots of factors but ultimately your kid needs your unconditional love and support right now. He needs to know that you will love him no matter how he performs in soccer and that you'll be there for him.

I will say, as a mental health professional, I am really struggling listening to a few of the parents (mostly Dads) at U8 practices. Most parents are great but there are a few that really stand out at our club. It's a constant barrage of criticism, disappointed sighs/looks and threats ("do you want to go home? If you're not gonna even try, we'll just go home!"). To a 7 year old at PRACTICE. My blood pressure gets raised standing next to them, so I can't imagine the kid. One of the boys can no longer make any decisions on the field without looking at his Dad for approval. He's seven years old and his confidence is already that damaged. Parents need to keep perspective and be more self-aware about how their own hang ups are impacting their kids.

My DH and I have promised to help each other keep perspective as our kids get older and make sure our priorities are straight. It sounds like your DH's behavior had some impact here. And while you are certainly not to blame for his behavior, you do have a responsibility to ensure he is aware of it and knows it's taking a toll on your child. I really hope your kid can find a love for the game (or whatever makes him happy) again. With the right support, kids are amazingly resilient!

You just called me out.

I’m going to be better from now on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It's tough to watch your kid go through the ups and downs. I'm sure there are lots of factors but ultimately your kid needs your unconditional love and support right now. He needs to know that you will love him no matter how he performs in soccer and that you'll be there for him.

I will say, as a mental health professional, I am really struggling listening to a few of the parents (mostly Dads) at U8 practices. Most parents are great but there are a few that really stand out at our club. It's a constant barrage of criticism, disappointed sighs/looks and threats ("do you want to go home? If you're not gonna even try, we'll just go home!"). To a 7 year old at PRACTICE. My blood pressure gets raised standing next to them, so I can't imagine the kid. One of the boys can no longer make any decisions on the field without looking at his Dad for approval. He's seven years old and his confidence is already that damaged. Parents need to keep perspective and be more self-aware about how their own hang ups are impacting their kids.

My DH and I have promised to help each other keep perspective as our kids get older and make sure our priorities are straight. It sounds like your DH's behavior had some impact here. And while you are certainly not to blame for his behavior, you do have a responsibility to ensure he is aware of it and knows it's taking a toll on your child. I really hope your kid can find a love for the game (or whatever makes him happy) again. With the right support, kids are amazingly resilient!

You just called me out.

I’m going to be better from now on

A thin line between doing right or wrong
Intentionally or not

[Anonymous]

I’m still with the lady who said the kid might be trans. More and more of that these days, it seems like a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son has been playing in the top team of his club for 3 years. Initially all was great. He seemed to really enjoy everything soccer related and was doing well on the team. Up until the last season he was consistently one of the starters and often would not even get subbed out the entire game. This season nothing seems to be going well. He has been sick for a while and in the games he played he did not really contribute much. During the latest tournament the coach mostly kept him on the bench which was new and quite upsetting for him. But when he was on the field he barely touched the ball. He suddenly looks completely lost when he plays and lacking any intensity. He has now convinced himself that he is a terrible player and is avoiding anything soccer related. He even faked an injury in the last practice and sat it out. He refuses to talk to us about it and his coach is not a person who deeply connects to the players and does anything to help them build confidence. Where do we go from here? What is the best way to help him get his groove back? I also wonder to what extent parent behavior could have contributed to this outcome. His dad can get quite excited about the games and my impression is that my son perceives his feedback as a constant criticism which could have contributed to him feeling as a failure. Long story short, I would be quite curious about opinions on how to navigate this. To be clear, we are not hoping for him to be pro or even caring about college scholarships. We are just wondering if we or the club environment somehow managed to kill his passion and how to try to get it back.

You killed it. He’s a kid. Quite excited for a U11 game is a disgrace, calm down. Know how to talk to your child, how to encourage what he does on or off the ball is great it’s fantastic, applaud the team’s efforts, and just let him love what he loves.