Five Daughters in Their 20s Who Can’t Stop Fighting and Being Jealous

[Anonymous]

We also have no idea how to make things feel fair when it comes to gifts, birthdays, holidays, or anything else

Money. You give them money and equal amounts. For "help" with apartments, college living expenses -- you should have/and should now to keeping track. Have a ledger. Adjust for inflation. Maybe have a Family Meeting, once in awhile, to explain the family budget. Budget now for weddings. I would give-up on sentimental niceties re: gifts. Sentimental gestures can also cause jealousy. It's too bad this is the way it is, but this is the way it is. I don't think you have the luxury of individual, sentimental gifts or gestures. Make everything "you give" be qualifiable and equal.

Then, do not put-up with ugly talk. They don't get to say jealous/mean/ugly things in your presence. What they talk about between themselves you can not control -- but they do not get to fill-you-in on this ugliness. "I don't want to hear it". Don't be willing to hear about it.

[Anonymous]

quantifiable
pp again ... I certainly did not mean qualifiable

[Anonymous]

They are like string puppets and you are the puppeteer. Cut the strings and tell them to move to different cities.
They all should be hanging out with friends, coworkers, partners, and less with each other.
Heck, I'd escape to another continent if I had them as my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Five grown women in their 20s are melting down over gifts and “who’s prettier,” and you’re asking how to referee it?

I’d start with this: what would you have wanted your own parents to do if you and your siblings were acting like this at 28?

Because I can tell you what most adults would say: stay out of it.

They are not 12. They are not sharing a bathroom before middle school. They are adults with jobs, partners, apartments, and apparently strong opinions about who got the better handbag.

You can’t engineer emotional maturity by calibrating Venmo transfers.

If the 25-year-old wants to stop speaking to the 21-year-old over a gift, let her. If the oldest wants to spiral because someone texted “hi,” let her. Those are social consequences (yes, even in your own family) they need to feel, not conflicts you need to smooth.

The more you try to “make it fair,” the more you reinforce the idea that you’re the central distributor of justice and resources. Of course they’re competing ... the scoreboard is you.

You can absolutely continue to support the younger ones in ways that make sense (college support and first-apartment help are normal parental decisions). But stop negotiating it emotionally. A simple: “We’re comfortable with what we’re doing. We’re not going to compare between you,” is enough.

And then (this is the key part) disengage!

Don’t triangulate.
Don’t relay complaints.
Don’t explain one sister to another.
Don’t re-litigate gifts.

If someone complains, you can say: “You’re adults. Work it out with each other.”

They may huff. They may sulk. Let them.

Right now, the only person who seems truly overwhelmed is you. The fighting continues because it still gets oxygen. If it stops getting parental airtime, a lot of it will die on its own.

You raised five women. At some point, you have to trust them to either grow up or sit in the discomfort of not growing up.

Either way, it’s not your job to referee anymore.

You are fundamentally correct but missing the fact that that these dynamics have been going on for years and these women are likely acclimated to it. While yes, you and I would prefer our parents stay out of some random sibling squabble, in OP's family, it's been going on like this for years. I guarantee these women are coming to their parents with these arguments all the time. They are likely the ones initiating all the triangulating (which it sounds like OP plays right into, and that's on OP, but I don't think OP is initiating it).

So it's not enough to tell OP "stay out of it" even though that should be the longterm goal. First what OP needs to do is learn to recognize what the dynamics are so that she can cut them short before they start. She needs to start recognizing when these women are being manipulative, passive aggressive, when they are using OP and her husband as a go between or as a way to punish and get back at their sisters. OP is much deeper in this dysfunctional dynamic than serving as a voluntary referee at this point. She is deep in a dysfunctional mess of recrimination, triangulation, and backstabbing. She likely doesn't even realize how big of a role she's playing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just cut them all off.

This.
Fall back slightly and let them triage and manage their own sibling relationships.

They’re adults. You aren’t required to.


- Youngest of three daughters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted."

Can you clarify this? Did you give the 21yo the gift that the 25yo wanted?

Yes, but we didn’t know. We try to stay out of it but they are always complaining to us.

[Anonymous]

Gifts, birthdays and holidays should all have identical cash amounts to each girl. If you give one girl 25k for her wedding, then index it for inflation when the others get married. Be very open about the exact amounts that each sister is receiving.

As the oldest, I've often been jealous of the gifts my younger sibling receives. I've always been the "responsible" one and she often falls on hard times and needs dug out. We're very far apart in age though and I had a lot of life milestones (marriage, kids, house) that she didn't, so I think my parents are at a loss. Mom feels bad when I have so many kids and a husband that she buys for but doesn't have those same people on my sister's side (but she might have kids and a husband one day?).

Your girls are all very very similar ages. I would shut down and not listen to any catty remarks.

[Anonymous]

I like giving them only money for gifts. Do what's easy for yourself Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted."

Can you clarify this? Did you give the 21yo the gift that the 25yo wanted?

Yes, but we didn’t know. We try to stay out of it but they are always complaining to us.

If you really didn't respond and they got nothing out of it, they'd stop coming to you. My guess is that you are the one causing the conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh, a simple 'hi' text could easily be flirting. Why would she be texting her sisters bf

agree, she should not be doing this.

op, did you give the older daughters a similar amount of money when they were in college or starting out? If not, it's legit that the older ones would be jealous. If so, you need to explain to them that you gave them the same when they were at that stage of life and but that at their age, they need to fend for themselves more. And that you will expect the younger ones to fend for themselves when they are the older age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Five grown women in their 20s are melting down over gifts and “who’s prettier,” and you’re asking how to referee it?

I’d start with this: what would you have wanted your own parents to do if you and your siblings were acting like this at 28?

Because I can tell you what most adults would say: stay out of it.

They are not 12. They are not sharing a bathroom before middle school. They are adults with jobs, partners, apartments, and apparently strong opinions about who got the better handbag.

You can’t engineer emotional maturity by calibrating Venmo transfers.

If the 25-year-old wants to stop speaking to the 21-year-old over a gift, let her. If the oldest wants to spiral because someone texted “hi,” let her. Those are social consequences (yes, even in your own family) they need to feel, not conflicts you need to smooth.

The more you try to “make it fair,” the more you reinforce the idea that you’re the central distributor of justice and resources. Of course they’re competing ... the scoreboard is you.

You can absolutely continue to support the younger ones in ways that make sense (college support and first-apartment help are normal parental decisions). But stop negotiating it emotionally. A simple: “We’re comfortable with what we’re doing. We’re not going to compare between you,” is enough.

And then (this is the key part) disengage!

Don’t triangulate.
Don’t relay complaints.
Don’t explain one sister to another.
Don’t re-litigate gifts.

If someone complains, you can say: “You’re adults. Work it out with each other.”

They may huff. They may sulk. Let them.

Right now, the only person who seems truly overwhelmed is you. The fighting continues because it still gets oxygen. If it stops getting parental airtime, a lot of it will die on its own.

You raised five women. At some point, you have to trust them to either grow up or sit in the discomfort of not growing up.

Either way, it’s not your job to referee anymore.

You are fundamentally correct but missing the fact that that these dynamics have been going on for years and these women are likely acclimated to it. While yes, you and I would prefer our parents stay out of some random sibling squabble, in OP's family, it's been going on like this for years. I guarantee these women are coming to their parents with these arguments all the time. They are likely the ones initiating all the triangulating (which it sounds like OP plays right into, and that's on OP, but I don't think OP is initiating it).

So it's not enough to tell OP "stay out of it" even though that should be the longterm goal. First what OP needs to do is learn to recognize what the dynamics are so that she can cut them short before they start. She needs to start recognizing when these women are being manipulative, passive aggressive, when they are using OP and her husband as a go between or as a way to punish and get back at their sisters. OP is much deeper in this dysfunctional dynamic than serving as a voluntary referee at this point. She is deep in a dysfunctional mess of recrimination, triangulation, and backstabbing. She likely doesn't even realize how big of a role she's playing.

Why not just sit them all down and tell them they have to press reset on how things are going, it's out of control etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted."

Can you clarify this? Did you give the 21yo the gift that the 25yo wanted?

Yes, but we didn’t know. We try to stay out of it but they are always complaining to us.

Sure you do. Admit it, OP. A part of you likes that you are still play a role in their lives by being the mediator.

If all of a sudden they all got along, grew up and focused on their own lives, families, and careers, what would you and your husband do and have to talk about?

[Anonymous]

Just to make sure OP hears this: It is NOT okay for one daughter to be texting the other's boyfriend unless it's to set up a surprise birthday party for the sister, or something like that. You need to severely chastise that sort of behavior and nip it in the bud ASAP. Do not invalidate the feelings of the daughter with the boyfriend unless you want to make things 10X worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted."

Can you clarify this? Did you give the 21yo the gift that the 25yo wanted?

Yes, but we didn’t know. We try to stay out of it but they are always complaining to us.

Sure you do. Admit it, OP. A part of you likes that you are still play a role in their lives by being the mediator.

If all of a sudden they all got along, grew up and focused on their own lives, families, and careers, what would you and your husband do and have to talk about?

+100000
Answer -

They’d have not a dayum thing to discuss or focus on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted. My oldest daughter even became upset because she thought the 23-year-old was 'flirting' with her boyfriend, even though all she did was send him a simple ‘hi’ text. Even if we tried to be 'fair,' they’d only end up competing with each other over trivial things, and the constant fighting inevitably drags us into it.

OP, you seem dangerously clueless here about interpersonal dynamics.