Reply to Five Daughters in Their 20s Who Can’t Stop Fighting and Being Jealous

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Five grown women in their 20s are melting down over gifts and “who’s prettier,” and you’re asking how to referee it?

I’d start with this: what would you have wanted your own parents to do if you and your siblings were acting like this at 28?

Because I can tell you what most adults would say: stay out of it.

They are not 12. They are not sharing a bathroom before middle school. They are adults with jobs, partners, apartments, and apparently strong opinions about who got the better handbag.

You can’t engineer emotional maturity by calibrating Venmo transfers.

If the 25-year-old wants to stop speaking to the 21-year-old over a gift, let her. If the oldest wants to spiral because someone texted “hi,” let her. Those are social consequences (yes, even in your own family) they need to feel, not conflicts you need to smooth.

The more you try to “make it fair,” the more you reinforce the idea that you’re the central distributor of justice and resources. Of course they’re competing ... the scoreboard is you.

You can absolutely continue to support the younger ones in ways that make sense (college support and first-apartment help are normal parental decisions). But stop negotiating it emotionally. A simple: “We’re comfortable with what we’re doing. We’re not going to compare between you,” is enough.

And then (this is the key part) disengage!

Don’t triangulate.
Don’t relay complaints.
Don’t explain one sister to another.
Don’t re-litigate gifts.

If someone complains, you can say: “You’re adults. Work it out with each other.”

They may huff. They may sulk. Let them.

Right now, the only person who seems truly overwhelmed is you. The fighting continues because it still gets oxygen. If it stops getting parental airtime, a lot of it will die on its own.

You raised five women. At some point, you have to trust them to either grow up or sit in the discomfort of not growing up.

Either way, it’s not your job to referee anymore.[/quote]

You are fundamentally correct but missing the fact that that these dynamics have been going on for years and these women are likely acclimated to it. While yes, you and I would prefer our parents stay out of some random sibling squabble, in OP's family, it's been going on like this for years. I guarantee these women are coming to their parents with these arguments all the time. They are likely the ones initiating all the triangulating (which it sounds like OP plays right into, and that's on OP, but I don't think OP is initiating it).

So it's not enough to tell OP "stay out of it" even though that should be the longterm goal. First what OP needs to do is learn to recognize what the dynamics are so that she can cut them short before they start. She needs to start recognizing when these women are being manipulative, passive aggressive, when they are using OP and her husband as a go between or as a way to punish and get back at their sisters. OP is much deeper in this dysfunctional dynamic than serving as a voluntary referee at this point. She is deep in a dysfunctional mess of recrimination, triangulation, and backstabbing. She likely doesn't even realize how big of a role she's playing.[/quote]

Why not just sit them all down and tell them they have to press reset on how things are going, it's out of control etc?[/quote]

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