Five Daughters in Their 20s Who Can’t Stop Fighting and Being Jealous

[Anonymous]

My daughters, ages 28, 26, 25, 23, and 21 continue to show jealousy and competition, much like when they were younger. There’s constant tension over things like what mom and dad buy them, who gets to go on the better trips with their boyfriends, who’ll have a bigger or better ring or wedding, who has the better partner, and who’s prettier. We can’t give one of them a gift without causing the others to become upset or resentful.

Honestly, I don’t understand why they act this way— we raised them to be kind and supportive, not catty. We also have no idea how to make things feel fair when it comes to gifts, birthdays, holidays, or anything else. It’s all just overwhelming. For example, we give our 21-year-old money every month since she’s in college, and we’re helping to subsidize our 23-year-old’s first apartment. As a result, the older ones have become increasingly jealous.

Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted. My oldest daughter even became upset because she thought the 23-year-old was 'flirting' with her boyfriend, even though all she did was send him a simple ‘hi’ text. Even if we tried to be 'fair,' they’d only end up competing with each other over trivial things, and the constant fighting inevitably drags us into it.

When they're not fighting they do seem to get along, it’s just really annoying dealing with it, Is there anything we can do to make it better?

[Anonymous]

You're getting too involved in their drama, just ignore it and hope they grow up soon.

[Anonymous]

Uhhh, a simple 'hi' text could easily be flirting. Why would she be texting her sisters bf

[Anonymous]

Did the older girls receive the same amount of money during college as the 21 year old and the same amount of help with their apartments as the 23 year old is getting?

Texting hi to her sister’s bf is really weird unless she was going to ask something or plan something for her sister. Just to chat isn’t normal.

Are you sure you treated them as equally as you claim you did as they grew up? It sounds like they have a lot of territorial competitiveness among them.

[Anonymous]

If you provided the older children with the same or similar support that you are providing the 23 and 21 YOs, the older children have no reason to be jealous. However, if you told them that they were on their own at age 18 and now are supporting your younger kids past that age, they have reason to be upset.

If you have generally been fair, then you need to just ignore their drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughters, ages 28, 26, 25, 23, and 21 continue to show jealousy and competition, much like when they were younger. There’s constant tension over things like what mom and dad buy them, who gets to go on the better trips with their boyfriends, who’ll have a bigger or better ring or wedding, who has the better partner, and who’s prettier. We can’t give one of them a gift without causing the others to become upset or resentful.

Honestly, I don’t understand why they act this way— we raised them to be kind and supportive, not catty. We also have no idea how to make things feel fair when it comes to gifts, birthdays, holidays, or anything else. It’s all just overwhelming. For example, we give our 21-year-old money every month since she’s in college, and we’re helping to subsidize our 23-year-old’s first apartment. As a result, the older ones have become increasingly jealous.

Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted. My oldest daughter even became upset because she thought the 23-year-old was 'flirting' with her boyfriend, even though all she did was send him a simple ‘hi’ text. Even if we tried to be 'fair,' they’d only end up competing with each other over trivial things, and the constant fighting inevitably drags us into it.

When they're not fighting they do seem to get along, it’s just really annoying dealing with it, Is there anything we can do to make it better?

Did you give the 23, 25, 26, 28 year olds money every month in college? Did you subsidize the apartments or housing for the 25, 26, 28 year olds?

Obviously theres a feeling that the resources from you are scarce and they must either fight for them or fight for fairness.

Id decide with my husband hey lets decide a budget per year for each kid going forth. Do you do that?

Your daughters should not be texting their sisters' boyfriends. WTF.

[Anonymous]

Why would your daughter need to text her sister’s boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughters, ages 28, 26, 25, 23, and 21 continue to show jealousy and competition, much like when they were younger. There’s constant tension over things like what mom and dad buy them, who gets to go on the better trips with their boyfriends, who’ll have a bigger or better ring or wedding, who has the better partner, and who’s prettier. We can’t give one of them a gift without causing the others to become upset or resentful.

Honestly, I don’t understand why they act this way— we raised them to be kind and supportive, not catty. We also have no idea how to make things feel fair when it comes to gifts, birthdays, holidays, or anything else. It’s all just overwhelming. For example, we give our 21-year-old money every month since she’s in college, and we’re helping to subsidize our 23-year-old’s first apartment. As a result, the older ones have become increasingly jealous.

Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted. My oldest daughter even became upset because she thought the 23-year-old was 'flirting' with her boyfriend, even though all she did was send him a simple ‘hi’ text. Even if we tried to be 'fair,' they’d only end up competing with each other over trivial things, and the constant fighting inevitably drags us into it.

When they're not fighting they do seem to get along, it’s just really annoying dealing with it, Is there anything we can do to make it better?

Did you give the 23, 25, 26, 28 year olds money every month in college? Did you subsidize the apartments or housing for the 25, 26, 28 year olds?

Obviously theres a feeling that the resources from you are scarce and they must either fight for them or fight for fairness.

Id decide with my husband hey lets decide a budget per year for each kid going forth. Do you do that?

Your daughters should not be texting their sisters' boyfriends. WTF.

Yes, they all got money during college, and help with apartments, etc. They’re just upset because they can’t get extra money now, even though they’re launched.

[Anonymous]

Just cut them all off.

[Anonymous]

It's because you had 5 kids. Sorry but it's this. Some people can have a lot of kids and not incite jealousy and infighting because everyone still has what they need. IME usually this only works if you have a tight knit community or extended family who help with the kids and thus all the kids get plenty of 1 on 1 time with adults and feel loved.

But if you don't have those kinds of human resources, your kids grow up always feeling like your attention is divided. Because it is. Your older kids become resentful of younger kids because they lost you to the high demands of babies and toddlers when they were still young. Your middle kids feel invisible. Your youngest are probably the only ones who felt like they got the attention they wanted, but you neglected them in other ways (for instance you may have failed to make them more independent and resilient, by constantly protecting them from older siblings and excusing their bad behavior as "well they're the youngest").

My parents did the same. Too many kids, not enough adults, lots of neglect. My siblings and I have never been close or gotten along. Lots of negative dynamics.

[Anonymous]

"Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted."

Can you clarify this? Did you give the 21yo the gift that the 25yo wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughters, ages 28, 26, 25, 23, and 21 continue to show jealousy and competition, much like when they were younger. There’s constant tension over things like what mom and dad buy them, who gets to go on the better trips with their boyfriends, who’ll have a bigger or better ring or wedding, who has the better partner, and who’s prettier. We can’t give one of them a gift without causing the others to become upset or resentful.

Honestly, I don’t understand why they act this way— we raised them to be kind and supportive, not catty. We also have no idea how to make things feel fair when it comes to gifts, birthdays, holidays, or anything else. It’s all just overwhelming. For example, we give our 21-year-old money every month since she’s in college, and we’re helping to subsidize our 23-year-old’s first apartment. As a result, the older ones have become increasingly jealous.

Recently, the 25-year-old refused to speak to the 21-year-old for weeks because we gave her a gift she wanted. My oldest daughter even became upset because she thought the 23-year-old was 'flirting' with her boyfriend, even though all she did was send him
a simple ‘hi’ text. Even if we tried to be 'fair,' they’d only end up competing with each other over trivial things, and the constant fighting inevitably drags us into it.

When they're not fighting they do seem to get along, it’s just really annoying dealing with it, Is there anything we can do to make it better?

Did you give the 23, 25, 26, 28 year olds money every month in college? Did you subsidize the apartments or housing for the 25, 26, 28 year olds?

Obviously theres a feeling that the resources from you are scarce and they must either fight for them or fight for fairness.

Id decide with my husband hey lets decide a budget per year for each kid going forth. Do you do that?

Your daughters should not be texting their sisters' boyfriends. WTF.

Yes, they all got money during college, and help with apartments, etc. They’re just upset because they can’t get extra money now, even though they’re launched.

Yo thats catty AF. Spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Five grown women in their 20s are melting down over gifts and “who’s prettier,” and you’re asking how to referee it?

I’d start with this: what would you have wanted your own parents to do if you and your siblings were acting like this at 28?

Because I can tell you what most adults would say: stay out of it.

They are not 12. They are not sharing a bathroom before middle school. They are adults with jobs, partners, apartments, and apparently strong opinions about who got the better handbag.

You can’t engineer emotional maturity by calibrating Venmo transfers.

If the 25-year-old wants to stop speaking to the 21-year-old over a gift, let her. If the oldest wants to spiral because someone texted “hi,” let her. Those are social consequences (yes, even in your own family) they need to feel, not conflicts you need to smooth.

The more you try to “make it fair,” the more you reinforce the idea that you’re the central distributor of justice and resources. Of course they’re competing ... the scoreboard is you.

You can absolutely continue to support the younger ones in ways that make sense (college support and first-apartment help are normal parental decisions). But stop negotiating it emotionally. A simple: “We’re comfortable with what we’re doing. We’re not going to compare between you,” is enough.

And then (this is the key part) disengage!

Don’t triangulate.
Don’t relay complaints.
Don’t explain one sister to another.
Don’t re-litigate gifts.

If someone complains, you can say: “You’re adults. Work it out with each other.”

They may huff. They may sulk. Let them.

Right now, the only person who seems truly overwhelmed is you. The fighting continues because it still gets oxygen. If it stops getting parental airtime, a lot of it will die on its own.

You raised five women. At some point, you have to trust them to either grow up or sit in the discomfort of not growing up.

Either way, it’s not your job to referee anymore.

[Anonymous]

Five kids only two years apart? Pat yourself on the back for getting them into young adulthood and land the helicopter.

[Anonymous]

if the 23 year old is working then she should be on her own. continue to support the 21 year old in college.

scale back on all the gifts for a while. you can let them know birthdays will be dinner with the family from now on. you can revise this when they stop being little stinkers ... or not.