What do people who get cheated on tell themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inspired by the other thread, I'm wondering what people tell themselves when their spouse cheats on them. Do they reflect on their own behaviors and patterns and consider what role they played in creating the circumstances that led to the affair? Do they care whether their spouse wants to leave them for the AP? Is it less devastating if the spouse wants to stay married?

I was heartbroken when I found out that my husband cheated on me. I loved him very much. Our marriage had very much been his idea, and, I thought, a happy one. I confronted him about cheating. Much to my surprise he responded by begging me to stay together. I insisted we do therapy; he agreed. I thought a lot about whether I had contributed to his cheating or if there was something wrong in our relationship. In therapy, he told me that he had cheated with someone at work…….except, that didn’t line up with the evidence I had.

To make a long story short, over the course of about 8 months in marital therapy, he answered my questions about his affair. His answers turned out to be an increasingly elaborate cover story about an affair that he thought would be more acceptable to me than the real story of his infidelities. He did this in order to get me to stay with him. Outside of therapy, due to inconsistencies in his story, I snooped thoroughly and found hard evidence of multiple affairs and other kinds of problems, although I never tipped my hand about the evidence I had. It was shocking, disorienting and traumatizing. One day in therapy, I told him I was done and he needed to move out by the weekend.

After our split, he saw a psychiatrist, and I was invited once or twice early on - with my ex’s consent - to meet with the new psychiatrist to offer some background and history to help make a “differential diagnosis.” (I think he thought if he was diagnosed with an illness like depression, I would take him back.) Much to my surprise, the Dr. informed me, in all seriousness, that he was trying to decide whether my ex was a sociopath or a psychopath, and proceeded to ask me a series of questions to differentiate between the two.

I know, OP, you will find some way to blame me for his affairs or to say that I should have known. He was an adult responsible for his own behavior. If he had a problem in our relationship, he could have voiced it or asked for an open relationship or a divorce. That is what adults do: they use their words to negotiate problems. He did none of that. Instead, he chose to lie and manipulate. He was a very good liar. Not only did he fool me, but he fooled many of his peers and coworkers, who told me when I met them how lucky I was and what a great guy he was. He fooled his affair partners. He fooled a second wife into marrying him, and, within 6 months of that divorce, he fooled a serious girlfriend.

In retrospect, if I did anything wrong, it was to give him far more grace and spend far more energy helping him get help than he deserved, but I did so in the interest of our children, who were both under 5 at the time. Believe me when I say that our children and I paid for that mistake for years.

OP, questions like yours are designed to blame the victim of abuse. That’s what cheating is - a cruel form of abuse and manipulation. People who ask what the victims did to cause the infidelity abuse are allying themselves with the Epsteins, the Weinsteins and the Monsieur Pelicots of the world - men who use their power to deceive and/or coerce someone into a sexual relationship they would not otherwise accept. It’s long past time for men to be responsible for their own actions. Men who cheat choose to cheat - not because anyone made them - and they know they will largely not be held to account for it in any serious way.

+100 well-said

[Anonymous]

Euw this v gaslighty

Dh hasn’t worked in years but I would never cheat and then expect him to blame himself. You always have a choice to cheat

[Anonymous]

I remember the phrase “I am unlovable” creeping in my head repeatedly. Also, I hate them and will get my revenge when the kids are 18.

[Anonymous]

“This is not my fault,” is what I told myself. Be your own friend first, y’all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember the phrase “I am unlovable” creeping in my head repeatedly. Also, I hate them and will get my revenge when the kids are 18.

+1 then I realized my WW was the one who is unlovable and unworthy of me. Her life was about playing a role, so she was never herself in any setting. I would have felt bad for her if I wasn’t too busy pitying myself.

[Anonymous]

I told myself that I deserved it. That it was because of how I look. That I couldn't blame her because I'm overweight and unattractive. That I drove her to do it by being insecure. That it was inevitable. That it was because I wasn't enough, in so many ways. That I was a failure. That I didn't deserve more.

Many of these thoughts and worse still cycle through my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inspired by the other thread, I'm wondering what people tell themselves when their spouse cheats on them. Do they reflect on their own behaviors and patterns and consider what role they played in creating the circumstances that led to the affair? Do they care whether their spouse wants to leave them for the AP? Is it less devastating if the spouse wants to stay married?

I had no part in my ex-husband deciding to cheat. That decision was his and his alone.

There was not one AP but multiple. He was on dating sites and also solicited prostitutes.

He wanted to stay married but he wasn’t willing to do anything differently, so I left. I don’t know that it made it less devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Inspired by the other thread, I'm wondering what people tell themselves when their spouse cheats on them. Do they reflect on their own behaviors and patterns and consider what role they played in creating the circumstances that led to the affair? Do they care whether their spouse wants to leave them for the AP? Is it less devastating if the spouse wants to stay married?

I had no part in my ex-husband deciding to cheat. That decision was his and his alone.

There was not one AP but multiple. He was on dating sites and also solicited prostitutes.

He wanted to stay married but he wasn’t willing to do anything differently, so I left. I don’t know that it made it less devastating.

Ugh. This happened to me also. In some ways such crazy, obvious cheating and the insistence on staying married at least made it more obvious that the problem wasn't me or anything I'd done. But, such crazy, obvious cheating really felt much more dangerous to me -- I felt like the prostitute use made the risk of STD way higher, and I was deeply concerned about leaving our kids in his custody. If I hadn't had kids with him, I would have left him the instant I found out about the cheating, but with kids and the seeming danger of the situation, I took extra time to work my way out of the relationship in a way that I would end up with full custody.

I definitely reflected on whether I should have noticed something in the dating phase that would have led me to drop him. But, he was an excellent liar, and he seemed to have a solid circle of friends that seemed normal and vouched for him. I also wasn't the type to snoop - although I definitely became a thorough and effective snooper after I stumbled across a piece of evidence.

IMO, it's worse if the spouse wants to stay. It's an extra refusal to be accountable in any way and save face. I'm sure my exDH told everyone that I was the one that ended the marriage so that he could keep looking like the good guy.

[Anonymous]

So the first time she cheated on me I definitely internalized it and worked to figure it out. But after the second affair (that I caught her in) I was done. I found a olace for her to move out to within two days and that was that until the divorce.

If she cheats just get tid of her and start over.

[Anonymous]

That my ex was a coward who thought he could have his cake and eat it too. If he shows up on your dating apps run. He's never done therapy and will never do therapy and he's the type who can't even admit something as minor as he forgot to run the dishwasher. Obvs he turned it on and it just turned itself off. Signed "the psycho ex"

[Anonymous]

"OP, questions like yours are designed to blame the victim of abuse. That’s what cheating is - a cruel form of abuse and manipulation. People who ask what the victims did to cause the infidelity abuse are allying themselves with the Epsteins, the Weinsteins and the Monsieur Pelicots of the world - men who use their power to deceive and/or coerce someone into a sexual relationship they would not otherwise accept. It’s long past time for men to be responsible for their own actions. Men who cheat choose to cheat - not because anyone made them - and they know they will largely not be held to account for it in any serious way."

It's way too easy to make it a simple thing like the patriarchy. Most caveman type backwards men don't cheat on their wives. And most of the men who cheated go on to be in stable satisfying relationships down the line. Plus, how do you explain all the cheating wives? How is that caused by male power?

[Anonymous]

OP, no one is to blame for a cheaters behavior except the cheater. Trying to blame the innocent spouse is frankly disgusting.
Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the PPs would rather their spouse just dump & divorce them rather than have an affair, as if that's morally superior. My exH left me and we had a young child at the time. He stopped wanting to do things together, didn't want to share his thoughts/hopes/dreams, and would come up with excuses to not have sex. We went years without him be willing to have sex with me. Nobody, not his family, friends, colleagues could believe he wasn't happy with his life and our marriage. (FTR- I'm younger than him and didn't gain weight or lose my looks. I was always way better looking than him and considered out of his league.) I seriously believed he might have a brain tumor or some sort of chemical imbalance but he wouldn't get checked by a doctor. As far as I know to this day, he wasn't cheating. But I don't believe he had more integrity than a husband who cheated. Either way, he flaked on his marriage and he flaked on the children he brought into this world. That's not what someone with integrity does.

I know why he cheated - you thought you were better than him. He could feel that. Wow.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I knew I wasn't perfect. But I certainly didn't deserve this and decided to move forward with my integrity and pride intact. I also negotiated the financial settlement to my favor by scaring the shit out of her with what my PI found. Negotiated the finances like it was the rest of my life because it was. She made her choice. She settled for less than what she thought she would get.

I wouldn't say "I win" because no one wins in these situations. However, I did come out ahead financially. She had these ideas about all the alimony she was going to get and how she was going to do a year of education to push down her earnings. Nope. Didn't work.

I live in Virginia, where adultery is a crime. That helped. Other states might not have the same out come.

Seven years later and I'm recently remarried. Kids are launched. Life is good. I think she's OK too. I don't really care anymore, one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inspired by the other thread, I'm wondering what people tell themselves when their spouse cheats on them. Do they reflect on their own behaviors and patterns and consider what role they played in creating the circumstances that led to the affair? Do they care whether their spouse wants to leave them for the AP? Is it less devastating if the spouse wants to stay married?

They blame the OW. That's the easiest way to deal with it.