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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Inspired by the other thread, I'm wondering what people tell themselves when their spouse cheats on them. Do they reflect on their own behaviors and patterns and consider what role they played in creating the circumstances that led to the affair? Do they care whether their spouse wants to leave them for the AP? Is it less devastating if the spouse wants to stay married?[/quote]

I had no part in my ex-husband deciding to cheat.  That decision was his and his alone.

There was not one AP but multiple.  He was on dating sites and also solicited prostitutes.

He wanted to stay married but he wasn’t willing to do anything differently, so I left. I don’t know that it made it less devastating.[/quote]

Ugh.  This happened to me also.  In some ways such crazy, obvious cheating and the insistence on staying married at least made it more obvious that the problem wasn't me or anything I'd done.  But, such crazy, obvious cheating really felt much more dangerous to me -- I felt like the prostitute use made the risk of STD way higher, and I was deeply concerned about leaving our kids in his custody.   If I hadn't had kids with him, I would have left him the instant I found out about the cheating, but with kids and the seeming danger of the situation, I took extra time to work my way out of the relationship in a way that I would end up with full custody.

I definitely reflected on whether I should have noticed something in the dating phase that would have led me to drop him.  But, he was an excellent liar, and he seemed to have a solid circle of friends that seemed normal and vouched for him. I also wasn't the type to snoop - although I definitely became a thorough and effective snooper after I stumbled across a piece of evidence.

IMO, it's worse if the spouse wants to stay. It's an extra refusal to be accountable in any way and save face.  I'm sure my exDH told everyone that I was the one that ended the marriage so that he could keep looking like the good guy.[/quote]

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