What do people who get cheated on tell themselves?

[Anonymous]

I told myself there is some serious mental health issues going on more so than I could ever imagine.

It took 6 months for him to finally admit he was SA FROM 5-12 by family.

I got him serious derp and I ended therapy.

I figured his AP also had serious issues, I knew her and she was adopted out of an abusive home.

I did tell him this won’t go well for you if you continue with her and he ghosted her.

He has a nice girlfriend and is as normal as he can be.

My kids understand the whole situation and treat him with empathy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was pretty suicidal for a long time believing I was unlovable and incapable of love. Today I am no longer suicidal, but still no interest in love. Dating is fun, but I stay in the shallow depths emotionally.

I am more empathetic to other people’s pain and distance myself from pretty much everyone. I can’t get myself to go back to church, spiritually I am a hollow shell of the man I wanted to become.

Overall I would say I am comfortable in my resentment and decent at hiding my contempt for the world in casual settings.

your spouse was the only person you ever thought loved you?

Unfortunately, yes. I seem to have a lot of difficult situations to overcome that started with my parents. I thought I had resolved those issues and built a life that proved to me that circumstances change when you change. Her affairs put me back in a really bad place. I know it was not about me, but the impact was so personal and profound that it changed my belief in what is possible. I know I am not perfect by any means and made mistakes, but neither of us were without flaws. My biggest flaw was believing it was possible that we both had each other’s best interests at heart, not my biggest mistake, but the one belief that caused me to overlook so many things.

It is funny that somehow I believed in the fairy tale of doing the right things for the right reasons will equal better outcomes. I always knew there would be problems, but thought we were committed to working through them together. I lost faith in myself and my ability to choose people that will help me grow instead of just using and abusing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was pretty suicidal for a long time believing I was unlovable and incapable of love. Today I am no longer suicidal, but still no interest in love. Dating is fun, but I stay in the shallow depths emotionally.

I am more empathetic to other people’s pain and distance myself from pretty much everyone. I can’t get myself to go back to church, spiritually I am a hollow shell of the man I wanted to become.

Overall I would say I am comfortable in my resentment and decent at hiding my contempt for the world in casual settings.

your spouse was the only person you ever thought loved you?

Unfortunately, yes. I seem to have a lot of difficult situations to overcome that started with my parents. I thought I had resolved those issues and built a life that proved to me that circumstances change when you change. Her affairs put me back in a really bad place. I know it was not about me, but the impact was so personal and profound that it changed my belief in what is possible. I know I am not perfect by any means and made mistakes, but neither of us were without flaws. My biggest flaw was believing it was possible that we both had each other’s best interests at heart, not my biggest mistake, but the one belief that caused me to overlook so many things.

It is funny that somehow I believed in the fairy tale of doing the right things for the right reasons will equal better outcomes. I always knew there would be problems, but thought we were committed to working through them together. I lost faith in myself and my ability to choose people that will help me grow instead of just using and abusing.

So no friends and relatives besides your parents who love you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was pretty suicidal for a long time believing I was unlovable and incapable of love. Today I am no longer suicidal, but still no interest in love. Dating is fun, but I stay in the shallow depths emotionally.

I am more empathetic to other people’s pain and distance myself from pretty much everyone. I can’t get myself to go back to church, spiritually I am a hollow shell of the man I wanted to become.

Overall I would say I am comfortable in my resentment and decent at hiding my contempt for the world in casual settings.

PP, I empathize. The extensive gaslighting and manipulation my ex engaged in was something very hard to discover. He was a good liar, and I only stumbled over an initial piece of evidence by accident. Once I found that, my normal respect for privacy was gone, and I did a deep dive and discovered a LOT. The positive aspect of that investigation was that I have never had any doubts about ending the marriage, despite having very young kids at the time. The negative is that it is very hard to be interested in love when you have been with someone who has so deeply violated boundaries. TBH, love makes me feel very vulnerable & unsafe, and I'm not sure any amount of therapy is going to fix that. I have had a life experience that proved to me that you don't always know who is a predator until it is too late.

[Anonymous]

I told myself that it was my fault for not addressing the changes in our marriage after we had kids. And that it was my fault for not being more supportive when he was promoted to a position where he had 50% travel and I was at home juggling two kids under the age of 5 and my full time job as a senior exec in national security.

Then I went to therapy and realized he is a big boy that could have also used his big boy words at any point t to express any concerns that he might have had. And that it’s super easy to have an affair with your secretary when the two of you are staying in hotels 2 weeks a month without your young children and without any domestic responsibilities whatsoever.