Reply to DH's angry parenting is ruining our family

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[quote=Anonymous]My husband was like this a bit although not as bad as you described since he was never physically rough with our kids. I did a lot of stepping in and handling as much of the discipline as possible when things were the worst (for us during the pandemic, we were all really struggling). I have told him many times that if he is behaving in a way that is not acceptable to me I will step in and he can go cool off and he is welcome to do the same for me (which has happened, maybe twice? I am incredibly triggered by behaviors by my oldest towards my younger child, but I don’t let myself off the hook when I do get to the point of yelling, I always apologize and try to do better). To his credit he basically accepted that and eventually realized the kids generally listened to me more than him and changed a lot over time. We did parent training together and that was very helpful. But I hear you about how it changes your feelings towards him. I could not bring myself to be intimate with him for a while when he was yelling at the kids. How can you be attracted to someone who is screaming at a child? I can’t.

I think for men who have generally had an easy time of things and have a somewhat high powered job it’s the first time they’ve really encountered this dynamic of a little person who should listen to them but doesn’t. And they react very poorly sometimes. It was a shock to me too but he really has come a long way, though when he’s stressed about other things it creeps back and I have step back in a bit more.

The other possibility is your husband had a very bad childhood in ways he’s too embarrassed or doesn’t understand enough to explain. I did not realize until long after our first child was born how messed up my ILs parenting was in some ways. Lots of silent treatment and big tantrums by his mom so his dad was always trying to get the kids to keep happy. She never did that stuff in front of me until she got more comfortable and I actually think she has been trying to do better since the grandkids were born. None of it is an excuse but sometimes it helps me to reflect that he is fighting against some pretty bad default settings of parenting he saw growing up. [/quote]

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