Duplicitous person?

[Anonymous]

OP,

Work on your own life and stay away from this person. You say you feel that she could be socially dangerous or impact you negatively at work but you sound fascinated by her. Accept people for who they are, not some imaginary potential.

I wonder if this is a troll the way you keep coming back with details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a friend like this as well. I did nothing, just let the relationship naturally fizzle. Had a mutual friend who wanted to make people aware of the lies. It didn't really reflect well on her with a lot of people.

It doesn't sound like there have been any malicious lies, so why are you worried she'd suddenly start with you?

It is sad that your friend who told the truth (about your other friend's lies) wound up looking bad while the liar did not. Sounds like you could have backed her up but chose not to, which is weird to me.

I did back her up when it was brought up. We were mutual friends, didn't really hang out unless it was a larger gathering. Never had an opportunity to back her up in person, mostly did it when I overheard people bad mouthing her. Unfortunately former friend got a lot of sympathy/attention with her lies so people seemed to feel like the person who called her out was either jealous or just not a nice person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a friend like this as well. I did nothing, just let the relationship naturally fizzle. Had a mutual friend who wanted to make people aware of the lies. It didn't really reflect well on her with a lot of people.

It doesn't sound like there have been any malicious lies, so why are you worried she'd suddenly start with you?

It is sad that your friend who told the truth (about your other friend's lies) wound up looking bad while the liar did not. Sounds like you could have backed her up but chose not to, which is weird to me.

I did back her up when it was brought up. We were mutual friends, didn't really hang out unless it was a larger gathering. Never had an opportunity to back her up in person, mostly did it when I overheard people bad mouthing her. Unfortunately former friend got a lot of sympathy/attention with her lies so people seemed to feel like the person who called her out was either jealous or just not a nice person.

Wow, that's depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's mentally ill, OP, and will never be able to stop herself. It's called Pseudologia Fantastica (or mythomania).

If you call her out, she will feel a lot of shame and perhaps express it via anger. There's really nothing you can do except distance yourself.

Whoa. I've never heard of this before. Google says it's linked to other personality disorders, which makes sense. It actually sounds very stressful.

[Anonymous]

If you have noticed this dishonest behavior from her, it is highly likely that sooner or later others will too trust me on this.

People will see her true colors since it is very clear to me that she has been very transparent thus far.

You’re correct - - since you work w/this person it is best not to confront her as the fallout would not bode well for your work environment.
But that does not mean that you have to socialize w/her either.

I would be civil when around her but at the same time I would take a huge step back from socializing w/her.
Also I wouldn’t worry over her possibly spreading rumors about you in the future >> if she chooses to do this it would be 💯% out of your control.

In time I am confident that she will be outed for her lack of integrity.

Hope this helps!

[Anonymous]

I have dated 2 guys like this. Nice, friendly and attractive, but told random lies all the time, for no reason. Sometimes outlandish lies, but oftentimes perfectly believable lies about everyday stuff. I don’t know why they did it. It seemed like a weird compulsion they both had. Both came from nice families.

I distanced myself from both when I realized they were liars. One guy actually reached out like a decade later and asked me out again. I said sure. But oddly enough he still lied!! He told crazy lies about crazy stuff. I realized nothing had changed. So that was a one and done. He was still very friendly and polite, but a liar.

All that to say to OP that this woman won’t ever change. I personally have never known a liar who stopped lying. I have an aunt in her 70s that is still a compulsive liar about the dumbest things. These people take this habit to the grave.

[Anonymous]

Even when confronted, these kind of people will never own up to their lies. Steer clear of her, you don’t want to be included in her lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a friend like this as well. I did nothing, just let the relationship naturally fizzle. Had a mutual friend who wanted to make people aware of the lies. It didn't really reflect well on her with a lot of people.

It doesn't sound like there have been any malicious lies, so why are you worried she'd suddenly start with you?

It is sad that your friend who told the truth (about your other friend's lies) wound up looking bad while the liar did not. Sounds like you could have backed her up but chose not to, which is weird to me.

I did back her up when it was brought up. We were mutual friends, didn't really hang out unless it was a larger gathering. Never had an opportunity to back her up in person, mostly did it when I overheard people bad mouthing her. Unfortunately former friend got a lot of sympathy/attention with her lies so people seemed to feel like the person who called her out was either jealous or just not a nice person.

Your friend seems to be like me. I have told other friends about people who lied and manipulated to get their way or in the name of keeping the peace in a group. I ended up being blamed for whatever went wrong and labeled as "difficult" and the liars go about being happy and liked by all.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to be diplomatic and lie or at least avoid talking about things to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a friend like this as well. I did nothing, just let the relationship naturally fizzle. Had a mutual friend who wanted to make people aware of the lies. It didn't really reflect well on her with a lot of people.

It doesn't sound like there have been any malicious lies, so why are you worried she'd suddenly start with you?

It is sad that your friend who told the truth (about your other friend's lies) wound up looking bad while the liar did not. Sounds like you could have backed her up but chose not to, which is weird to me.

I did back her up when it was brought up. We were mutual friends, didn't really hang out unless it was a larger gathering. Never had an opportunity to back her up in person, mostly did it when I overheard people bad mouthing her. Unfortunately former friend got a lot of sympathy/attention with her lies so people seemed to feel like the person who called her out was either jealous or just not a nice person.

Your friend seems to be like me. I have told other friend's pabout people who lied and manipulated to get their way or in the name of keeping the peace in a group. I ended up being blamed for whatever went wrong and labeled as "difficult" and the liars go about being happy and liked by all.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to be diplomatic and lie or at least avoid talking about things to keep the peace.

I am similar -- I will point out stuff like this and then be told I'm the problem. For a time I tried curbing my instinct to say something in these situations, but then I was on a jury where one guy was pulling some serious BS, and I was the only one to speak up. Not a single person backed me up when I spoke up, but the issue was addressed. Then later, like 8 different people came to me privately to thank me for saying something.

I realized this is just my role. It won't always make me popular, but it's important to have people in the world who won't suffer fools gladly. I don't speak up unless I'm certain someone is trying to get away with something, but when I am sure, I don't hold back.

There should be some minimal standards in society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a person in my life I have known for about two years. I work with her but also know her in my social circle and they are good friends with several of my friends. For the first year I knew her, she seemed great. Fun, friendly, good conversationalist, makes friends easily. I had no issues with her at all, in fact was starting to consider her a friend.

But then I caught her in a weird lie. I knew she'd gone out of town with a mutual friend on Saturday day and night, because I'd spent the following day with that friend and they'd told me all about it -- they had a good time. But at work on Monday, she told an elaborate lie to a coworker about what she'd done over the weekend. The lie was detailed and framed her in a very sympathetic way, it involved an injury and a hospital visit that I knew had not happened. I didn't say anything at the time because it was so weird and I honestly thought I'd just misheard either my friend's story or hers.

But then it happened several more times. On one occasion she told me and another woman that she was very close friends with someone I know. Later I saw this person and said "oh we have a mutual friend!" but she had no idea who I was talking about and had not done the things this woman said they'd done together. It was so weird. And then a few more instances I won't get into but all along a similar vein.

My impression of this woman has been very changed since I've noticed this. I no longer like her and I prefer not to socialize with her when I can. But I haven't vocalized any of this to her and don't think I should -- it would create drama at work. Also, I now worry she would be weird it. Now that I know how easily she lies (and for no reason that I can understand), I worry she might lie about me. It's almost like she seems like a dangerous person now.

But she's so convincing! So friendly, so well liked. If I hadn't encountered this strange behavior, I'd still think she was great. But now I feel weird and I don't know what to do about it.

WWYD?

Maybe she didn't mention the trip because the hospital visit and trauma was more top of mind for her. Are you sure that didnt happen on the same weekend? I wouldn't stress if she is truly the way you think, people will see it and treat her with suspicion too.
If she is lying about others, you should always speak up to correct it, but I wouldn't go poking the bear and gossiping about her because your intuition about her being a danger to you might be correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a person in my life I have known for about two years. I work with her but also know her in my social circle and they are good friends with several of my friends. For the first year I knew her, she seemed great. Fun, friendly, good conversationalist, makes friends easily. I had no issues with her at all, in fact was starting to consider her a friend.

But then I caught her in a weird lie. I knew she'd gone out of town with a mutual friend on Saturday day and night, because I'd spent the following day with that friend and they'd told me all about it -- they had a good time. But at work on Monday, she told an elaborate lie to a coworker about what she'd done over the weekend. The lie was detailed and framed her in a very sympathetic way, it involved an injury and a hospital visit that I knew had not happened. I didn't say anything at the time because it was so weird and I honestly thought I'd just misheard either my friend's story or hers.

But then it happened several more times. On one occasion she told me and another woman that she was very close friends with someone I know. Later I saw this person and said "oh we have a mutual friend!" but she had no idea who I was talking about and had not done the things this woman said they'd done together. It was so weird. And then a few more instances I won't get into but all along a similar vein.

My impression of this woman has been very changed since I've noticed this. I no longer like her and I prefer not to socialize with her when I can. But I haven't vocalized any of this to her and don't think I should -- it would create drama at work. Also, I now worry she would be weird it. Now that I know how easily she lies (and for no reason that I can understand), I worry she might lie about me. It's almost like she seems like a dangerous person now.

But she's so convincing! So friendly, so well liked. If I hadn't encountered this strange behavior, I'd still think she was great. But now I feel weird and I don't know what to do about it.

WWYD?

Maybe she didn't mention the trip because the hospital visit and trauma was more top of mind for her. Are you sure that didnt happen on the same weekend? I wouldn't stress if she is truly the way you think, people will see it and treat her with suspicion too.
If she is lying about others, you should always speak up to correct it, but I wouldn't go poking the bear and gossiping about her because your intuition about her being a danger to you might be correct.

OP here. That's what I told myself at the time, even though it didn't seem possible based on what I knew about her trip with my friend, which I know happened. But that was just the first lie I noticed. There have been many more of varying sizes since then. Now I feel pretty confident she made up the stuff about the injury and hospital visit. She may have hurt herself that weekend, but it was a minor injury and she definitely didn't spend the night in the ER, as she was at a concert and then sharing a hotel room with my friend in another city.

I don't say anything even when she is clearly lying about someone I know because the lies are weird. Like when she claimed to be good friends with this woman I know fairly well, I thought "oh they must know each other than I thought." But then when I saw that person and found out they didn't know each other, what was I going to say? It's not an unkind lie about my friend. In a way it's flattering because apparently my colleague views knowing this person well to be something worth lying in a bragging way about.

I have no interest in gossiping but I just feel strange about it. It makes me very uncomfortable when she says these things and I do wonder if I *should* be telling my friends that she says this stuff. But I don't want to get involved.

Basically the whole thing makes me just feel uncomfortable and I wish I could just avoid her completely so that I wouldn't know about the lies.

[Anonymous]

I have a lifelong friend who is a bit like this.
Her lies aren’t that elaborate but she does have some delusions about herself and then she adds lies to prove them. I know for a fact what college major she had.
Then she decided to publish a history book and started calling herself a professional historian having gone to college for it.
She gets super defensive when confronted.
Her lies are harmless for other people so I don’t confront her.
She is a great friend otherwise and has helped me many times.
I am just never ever taking anything I hear from her at face value. But if she says she’ll have a rental for you then it’s true and that’s what matters (I rent her Airbnbs sometimes). It may not be as luxurious as she claims but it will be there the dates you need it and decent enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a lifelong friend who is a bit like this.
Her lies aren’t that elaborate but she does have some delusions about herself and then she adds lies to prove them. I know for a fact what college major she had.
Then she decided to publish a history book and started calling herself a professional historian having gone to college for it.
She gets super defensive when confronted.
Her lies are harmless for other people so I don’t confront her.
She is a great friend otherwise and has helped me many times.
I am just never ever taking anything I hear from her at face value. But if she says she’ll have a rental for you then it’s true and that’s what matters (I rent her Airbnbs sometimes). It may not be as luxurious as she claims but it will be there the dates you need it and decent enough.

To me the defensiveness is the biggest red flag. I would understand more if someone like this sometimes lied or embellished impulsively, but when called on it were like "yeah, I should have said it that way, I got carried away." My dad is kind of like that, he just gets enthusiastic when he tells stories and sometimes adds details that are over the top, but if you say "come on, that's not how it happened" he just laughs and says "no, but it just sounds better that way" and isn't upset at all at being called out.

It's when people get very defensive or angry that I feel it's a malignant trait, because it makes it clear that they were knowingly misleading people and mad not to have gotten away with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a person in my life I have known for about two years. I work with her but also know her in my social circle and they are good friends with several of my friends. For the first year I knew her, she seemed great. Fun, friendly, good conversationalist, makes friends easily. I had no issues with her at all, in fact was starting to consider her a friend.

But then I caught her in a weird lie. I knew she'd gone out of town with a mutual friend on Saturday day and night, because I'd spent the following day with that friend and they'd told me all about it -- they had a good time. But at work on Monday, she told an elaborate lie to a coworker about what she'd done over the weekend. The lie was detailed and framed her in a very sympathetic way, it involved an injury and a hospital visit that I knew had not happened. I didn't say anything at the time because it was so weird and I honestly thought I'd just misheard either my friend's story or hers.

But then it happened several more times. On one occasion she told me and another woman that she was very close friends with someone I know. Later I saw this person and said "oh we have a mutual friend!" but she had no idea who I was talking about and had not done the things this woman said they'd done together. It was so weird. And then a few more instances I won't get into but all along a similar vein.

My impression of this woman has been very changed since I've noticed this. I no longer like her and I prefer not to socialize with her when I can. But I haven't vocalized any of this to her and don't think I should -- it would create drama at work. Also, I now worry she would be weird it. Now that I know how easily she lies (and for no reason that I can understand), I worry she might lie about me. It's almost like she seems like a dangerous person now.

But she's so convincing! So friendly, so well liked. If I hadn't encountered this strange behavior, I'd still think she was great. But now I feel weird and I don't know what to do about it.

WWYD?

Her friend may not have wanted to tell you about her personal medical issues.

I have at times had a week that was full of wonderful events and also full of some health things at the same time. Depending on who I am speaking to they may only get one side of the story but both sides are still true. Just pointing that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a person in my life I have known for about two years. I work with her but also know her in my social circle and they are good friends with several of my friends. For the first year I knew her, she seemed great. Fun, friendly, good conversationalist, makes friends easily. I had no issues with her at all, in fact was starting to consider her a friend.

But then I caught her in a weird lie. I knew she'd gone out of town with a mutual friend on Saturday day and night, because I'd spent the following day with that friend and they'd told me all about it -- they had a good time. But at work on Monday, she told an elaborate lie to a coworker about what she'd done over the weekend. The lie was detailed and framed her in a very sympathetic way, it involved an injury and a hospital visit that I knew had not happened. I didn't say anything at the time because it was so weird and I honestly thought I'd just misheard either my friend's story or hers.

But then it happened several more times. On one occasion she told me and another woman that she was very close friends with someone I know. Later I saw this person and said "oh we have a mutual friend!" but she had no idea who I was talking about and had not done the things this woman said they'd done together. It was so weird. And then a few more instances I won't get into but all along a similar vein.

My impression of this woman has been very changed since I've noticed this. I no longer like her and I prefer not to socialize with her when I can. But I haven't vocalized any of this to her and don't think I should -- it would create drama at work. Also, I now worry she would be weird it. Now that I know how easily she lies (and for no reason that I can understand), I worry she might lie about me. It's almost like she seems like a dangerous person now.

But she's so convincing! So friendly, so well liked. If I hadn't encountered this strange behavior, I'd still think she was great. But now I feel weird and I don't know what to do about it.

WWYD?

Her friend may not have wanted to tell you about her personal medical issues.

I have at times had a week that was full of wonderful events and also full of some health things at the same time. Depending on who I am speaking to they may only get one side of the story but both sides are still true. Just pointing that out.

She went to a concert and spent the night at a nice downtown hotel in a city a 2 hour flight away. She did not spend the night in the ER. I buy that she had a health issue that weekend that maybe she didn't share with our mutual friend and may even have gone to the doctor the next day. But even if that's the case, what she said at work was a huge exaggeration and included outright lies. It wasn't two different versions of the same story. It was made up.