Duplicitous person?

[Anonymous]

I have a person in my life I have known for about two years. I work with her but also know her in my social circle and they are good friends with several of my friends. For the first year I knew her, she seemed great. Fun, friendly, good conversationalist, makes friends easily. I had no issues with her at all, in fact was starting to consider her a friend.

But then I caught her in a weird lie. I knew she'd gone out of town with a mutual friend on Saturday day and night, because I'd spent the following day with that friend and they'd told me all about it -- they had a good time. But at work on Monday, she told an elaborate lie to a coworker about what she'd done over the weekend. The lie was detailed and framed her in a very sympathetic way, it involved an injury and a hospital visit that I knew had not happened. I didn't say anything at the time because it was so weird and I honestly thought I'd just misheard either my friend's story or hers.

But then it happened several more times. On one occasion she told me and another woman that she was very close friends with someone I know. Later I saw this person and said "oh we have a mutual friend!" but she had no idea who I was talking about and had not done the things this woman said they'd done together. It was so weird. And then a few more instances I won't get into but all along a similar vein.

My impression of this woman has been very changed since I've noticed this. I no longer like her and I prefer not to socialize with her when I can. But I haven't vocalized any of this to her and don't think I should -- it would create drama at work. Also, I now worry she would be weird it. Now that I know how easily she lies (and for no reason that I can understand), I worry she might lie about me. It's almost like she seems like a dangerous person now.

But she's so convincing! So friendly, so well liked. If I hadn't encountered this strange behavior, I'd still think she was great. But now I feel weird and I don't know what to do about it.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I would be polite, but keep my distance without being overly obvious. If she involved me in some weird lying situation, I'd handle it at the time, but I wouldn't worry about it now.

[Anonymous]

Had a friend like this as well. I did nothing, just let the relationship naturally fizzle. Had a mutual friend who wanted to make people aware of the lies. It didn't really reflect well on her with a lot of people.

It doesn't sound like there have been any malicious lies, so why are you worried she'd suddenly start with you?

[Anonymous]

If somebody shows you who they are.. believe them!

[Anonymous]

Keep your distance but I would not gossip about her to others. It will put a target on you and others may wind up defending her. Just stay well clear. She likely has a personality disorder. She won’t change. I’d esp steer clear at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a friend like this as well. I did nothing, just let the relationship naturally fizzle. Had a mutual friend who wanted to make people aware of the lies. It didn't really reflect well on her with a lot of people.

It doesn't sound like there have been any malicious lies, so why are you worried she'd suddenly start with you?

OP here. I only worry that if I said anything that revealed I know about the lies, she might say things to discredit me to protect herself. Her lies always put her in a very good light, and I've noticed that even when she's talking and not lying (that I know of) she is very good at presenting herself positively. So the fact that I know something not positive about her seems dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a friend like this as well. I did nothing, just let the relationship naturally fizzle. Had a mutual friend who wanted to make people aware of the lies. It didn't really reflect well on her with a lot of people.

It doesn't sound like there have been any malicious lies, so why are you worried she'd suddenly start with you?

OP here. I only worry that if I said anything that revealed I know about the lies, she might say things to discredit me to protect herself. Her lies always put her in a very good light, and I've noticed that even when she's talking and not lying (that I know of) she is very good at presenting herself positively. So the fact that I know something not positive about her seems dangerous.

Why do you need to reveal her lies? MYOB, unless her lies are about you. And from what you said in your OP, her lies seem stupid and petty; not at all dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a friend like this as well. I did nothing, just let the relationship naturally fizzle. Had a mutual friend who wanted to make people aware of the lies. It didn't really reflect well on her with a lot of people.

It doesn't sound like there have been any malicious lies, so why are you worried she'd suddenly start with you?

It is sad that your friend who told the truth (about your other friend's lies) wound up looking bad while the liar did not. Sounds like you could have backed her up but chose not to, which is weird to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a friend like this as well. I did nothing, just let the relationship naturally fizzle. Had a mutual friend who wanted to make people aware of the lies. It didn't really reflect well on her with a lot of people.

It doesn't sound like there have been any malicious lies, so why are you worried she'd suddenly start with you?

OP here. I only worry that if I said anything that revealed I know about the lies, she might say things to discredit me to protect herself. Her lies always put her in a very good light, and I've noticed that even when she's talking and not lying (that I know of) she is very good at presenting herself positively. So the fact that I know something not positive about her seems dangerous.

Why do you need to reveal her lies? MYOB, unless her lies are about you. And from what you said in your OP, her lies seem stupid and petty; not at all dangerous.

I feel like I could accidentally expose her. In a weird way I already feel sort of implicated because I know her in multiple spheres and thus have sat quietly while I watched her lie about people I know or things I know didn't happen. It makes me feel weird. Some of the people she has lied about are close friends of mine but I haven't said anything.

[Anonymous]

Man I would say something like I heard you..this weekend. This is bs. Call her out on it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess partly I am trying to figure out why someone would do this. I can't figure out why she's doing it, since I think she'd be well liked without the lies. I think if I understood why she did it, I'd have a better sense of how to handle it. It's such inexplicable behavior to me.

[Anonymous]

These people will never stop and do not get their comeuppance. I remember having a problem with a roommate in our 20s. Something was off. Then she is telling lies. And the stealing! We worked for the same company, and she was stealing office supplies and stamps. One day they sent out a company-wide email that some newly purchased swag needs to be saved for customers. She came back to the apartment that night having filched a giant bag of swag. This was a 2,000 person company and less than 20 people had access to the items. She stole from us in the apartment and I noticed her bringing home items from her gym. She went on to graduate from a very good MBA program and worked in management consulting. And was asked to be bridesmaid at a friend's wedding. These people do it because it makes them dynamic and interesting and they will get ahead. Learn from me and do not call out the behavior because it will only make you unpopular. However, avoid work on any projects involving money with this person, because if theft is discovered her lies could mean you are the one owning blame.

[Anonymous]

She's mentally ill, OP, and will never be able to stop herself. It's called Pseudologia Fantastica (or mythomania).

If you call her out, she will feel a lot of shame and perhaps express it via anger. There's really nothing you can do except distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's mentally ill, OP, and will never be able to stop herself. It's called Pseudologia Fantastica (or mythomania).

If you call her out, she will feel a lot of shame and perhaps express it via anger. There's really nothing you can do except distance yourself.

Me again. She's perfectly aware she's going this, BTW. She just can't control it. It would take a LOT of intensive therapy for her and medication for the underlying anxiety, to try to manage her condition and reduce her episodes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess partly I am trying to figure out why someone would do this. I can't figure out why she's doing it, since I think she'd be well liked without the lies. I think if I understood why she did it, I'd have a better sense of how to handle it. It's such inexplicable behavior to me.

No. Don’t go down this path of thinking if you had an explanation or a “reason” for her behavior, that you’d feel more comfortable or know better how to navigate. It truly doesn’t matter. Some people are just like this. All you should do is keep a detached, professional distance.