Trying to anticipate this: How to explain admissions results to your teen

[Anonymous]

If he’s hardworking and kind, he will do great wherever he is in life. It’s the kid, not the school, that matters.

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this to be harsh, but 13 isn't a bad time to learn that life isn't "fair," however you want to define it, and that comparison isn't the road to happiness. Your son's learning that doing his best and appreciating who he is and what he has will serve him well in the future, including the immediate future. You may believe that 13 is too young for that, but I promise you that in HS, the discrepancies in wealth, advantage and opportunity among his classmates are much more apparent and noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to anticipate a situation here. DS is an 8th grader at a K-8. He and a very good friend of his are both applying to a very competitive high school, and have both indicated that it is their top choice. The friend's parents are what would be considered VIPs ... big donors, big connections. Apparently, they even had a high ranking politician write a letter of recommendation for their son. DS is a better student, has much higher SSAT scores (based on what the friend shared), and better EC's but the friend told DS he's confident he will get in because of what his parents did. We are a full pay family, and have always donated to our school's annual fund, but are certainly not big donors or VIPs.

DS is already demoralized at the prospect of him not getting admitted, and the friend getting admitted. I know this is a likely scenario. I also understand that life is not fair, and can totally grasp that as an adult .. but how would you explain this situation to a 13 year old?

Oh that is so sad. Kids will be fine with Most of the private high schools here. Why is his identity so tight with one school? That seems silly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to anticipate a situation here. DS is an 8th grader at a K-8. He and a very good friend of his are both applying to a very competitive high school, and have both indicated that it is their top choice. The friend's parents are what would be considered VIPs ... big donors, big connections. Apparently, they even had a high ranking politician write a letter of recommendation for their son. DS is a better student, has much higher SSAT scores (based on what the friend shared), and better EC's but the friend told DS he's confident he will get in because of what his parents did. We are a full pay family, and have always donated to our school's annual fund, but are certainly not big donors or VIPs.

DS is already demoralized at the prospect of him not getting admitted, and the friend getting admitted. I know this is a likely scenario. I also understand that life is not fair, and can totally grasp that as an adult .. but how would you explain this situation to a 13 year old?

Oh that is so sad. Kids will be fine with Most of the private high schools here. Why is his identity so tight with one school? That seems silly!

[Anonymous]

I would be frank the vip thing may play some role in the decision (though can’t be sure) but also kindly tell him to contemplate all the ways ge has advantages in this by luck (like his buddy having bigwig parents)-full pay parents, parents with the wherewithal to apply to private school, being a smarter than average kid, etc etc.

The world is not fair and 13 is old enough to get the message it’s poor form to concentrate only on the ways you get the short end of the stick snd not the ways you get the long end.

Again, I would do this kindly not critically of course.

[Anonymous]

The kids are facing a situation in which there really aren't any bad alternatives. There are preferred outcomes, but that's what they are.

Both my wife and I went to public schools. They were fine. We sent our kids to private schools because we thought they were a better experience. But our kids would have been OK at our local MCPS public school.

Admissions to these schools is a crap shoot. Telling one applicant from another is frequently very difficult and there's more subjectivity in the decisions than most know.

If you have gotten into a situation where the kid believes that there are huge differences and that not being chosen is a huge personal failure, you have some work to do to get their heads (and maybe your own) in a better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything said so far is spot on.

The only thing I'd add is that I'd help your kid start seeing their #2 choice school as an equally good option. You might have to convince or force yourself here, too! But it's so important not to have the top choice be so far and away the best choice in your kid's mind that they see anything else as a failure if they don't get in.

THIS! Every school has pros and cons. If your son doesn’t get into the same school as his friend, it might turn out to be for the best. His second choice probably offers experiences and opportunities that the first doesn’t. It would also give your son the chance to spread his wings and meet new friends, without being in the shadow of his old bff.

As one poster said, get excited, buy the sweatshirt and focus on the positives of whatever school he attends. Once he starts going to admitted student events, meeting new kids and feeling the school spirit, he will forget that the other school was even a first choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to anticipate a situation here. DS is an 8th grader at a K-8. He and a very good friend of his are both applying to a very competitive high school, and have both indicated that it is their top choice. The friend's parents are what would be considered VIPs ... big donors, big connections. Apparently, they even had a high ranking politician write a letter of recommendation for their son. DS is a better student, has much higher SSAT scores (based on what the friend shared), and better EC's but the friend told DS he's confident he will get in because of what his parents did. We are a full pay family, and have always donated to our school's annual fund, but are certainly not big donors or VIPs.

DS is already demoralized at the prospect of him not getting admitted, and the friend getting admitted. I know this is a likely scenario. I also understand that life is not fair, and can totally grasp that as an adult .. but how would you explain this situation to a 13 year old?

Take your kid to volunteer at a food bank or a soup kitchen and let him see kids his age standing in line because their parents can't afford food never mind full tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids are facing a situation in which there really aren't any bad alternatives. There are preferred outcomes, but that's what they are.

Both my wife and I went to public schools. They were fine. We sent our kids to private schools because we thought they were a better experience. But our kids would have been OK at our local MCPS public school.

Admissions to these schools is a crap shoot. Telling one applicant from another is frequently very difficult and there's more subjectivity in the decisions than most know.

If you have gotten into a situation where the kid believes that there are huge differences and that not being chosen is a huge personal failure, you have some work to do to get their heads (and maybe your own) in a better place.

Can you go and say this in the college forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to anticipate a situation here. DS is an 8th grader at a K-8. He and a very good friend of his are both applying to a very competitive high school, and have both indicated that it is their top choice. The friend's parents are what would be considered VIPs ... big donors, big connections. Apparently, they even had a high ranking politician write a letter of recommendation for their son. DS is a better student, has much higher SSAT scores (based on what the friend shared), and better EC's but the friend told DS he's confident he will get in because of what his parents did. We are a full pay family, and have always donated to our school's annual fund, but are certainly not big donors or VIPs.

DS is already demoralized at the prospect of him not getting admitted, and the friend getting admitted. I know this is a likely scenario. I also understand that life is not fair, and can totally grasp that as an adult .. but how would you explain this situation to a 13 year old?

Bluntly and candidly. Stick to the facts.

[Anonymous]

One of my son’s old classmates is still obsessed to this day with the school that his best friend was accepted to, but that rejected him. He ended up at a perfectly fine Catholic HS that is a better fit. The other school is very competitive and academically rigorous and this kid is not the best student and would most likely struggle. A semester has passed and this kid cannot let go of the school that rejected him! Instead of embracing his new school and new friends, he tags along with his best friend to his school’s sporting events and even wears that school’s spirit wear! It isn’t doing harm but is just…awkward. Maybe he hopes to transfer to the best friend’s school, but that is not realistic. I feel that if his family would have helped him get excited about the school he was accepted to, he would be able to let go of his dream school and have a better HS experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids are facing a situation in which there really aren't any bad alternatives. There are preferred outcomes, but that's what they are.

Both my wife and I went to public schools. They were fine. We sent our kids to private schools because we thought they were a better experience. But our kids would have been OK at our local MCPS public school.

Admissions to these schools is a crap shoot. Telling one applicant from another is frequently very difficult and there's more subjectivity in the decisions than most know.

If you have gotten into a situation where the kid believes that there are huge differences and that not being chosen is a huge personal failure, you have some work to do to get their heads (and maybe your own) in a better place.

Can you go and say this in the college forum?

It’s just as true there. But it wouldn’t do any good. We are dealing with emotion not logic.

[Anonymous]

If this scenario plays out, I would:

1. Be sympathetic about his feelings of disappointment and let him talk about them. Say something along the lines of, “I understand that you’re disappointed. Sometimes admissions decisions aren’t completely predictable. I’m proud of you for working so hard on your application and in school and I think you have some other great choices.”

If he asks if it was because of his friends’ parents’ connections, I would say, “that definitely can be helpful, but no one knows why admissions committees make decisions.”

2. Focus on his other options and help DS get excited about them. Go to the events for admitted students. Go to a basketball game, a play, etc. where he is accepted. Help him to see himself at the school he would attend.

I would not tell him it’s so unfair that his friend was admitted over him or tell him it definitely was because the friend’s parents are donors. The truth is admissions decisions are unpredictable and you don’t know the reason with certainty. By being full pay (something completely out of his control) and having attended a private k-8, he has his own advantages over plenty of other applicants. But, if he gets accepted, you wouldn’t undermine his accomplishment by telling him that, so don’t encourage him to do that to his friend. Wallowing in self pity and unfairness isn’t a good look, especially for a kid who has his own advantages.

[Anonymous]

This happened to us. And it was a learning experience. And it kind of ruined the reputation the school we didn’t get into for us and others who thought certain deserving and exceptional students would get in. When others got in for connections or other unknown realms (not grades or even sports), many families were a bit shocked. I later learned quite a few didn’t families skipped applying to the school altogether because the knew it was a terrible experience for most kids. The thing is, kids are generally ok with kids who are great students or great athletes getting in. It’s the totally random parent hooked kids that 1) piss off the classmates, and 2) lower the schools reputation. But it certainly is a lesson. Find a solid second choice and you will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're full pay he'll get in.

Not true at all, especially if it's the school I think OP is referring to.