Trying to anticipate this: How to explain admissions results to your teen
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Anonymous
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I am trying to anticipate a situation here. DS is an 8th grader at a K-8. He and a very good friend of his are both applying to a very competitive high school, and have both indicated that it is their top choice. The friend's parents are what would be considered VIPs ... big donors, big connections. Apparently, they even had a high ranking politician write a letter of recommendation for their son. DS is a better student, has much higher SSAT scores (based on what the friend shared), and better EC's but the friend told DS he's confident he will get in because of what his parents did. We are a full pay family, and have always donated to our school's annual fund, but are certainly not big donors or VIPs.
DS is already demoralized at the prospect of him not getting admitted, and the friend getting admitted. I know this is a likely scenario. I also understand that life is not fair, and can totally grasp that as an adult .. but how would you explain this situation to a 13 year old? |
Anonymous
| I would say, life isn’t fair. There are lots of good schools. Deal. But I don’t coddle my kids with this kind of stuff. Some people get in because they are smart. Some because of sports. Some because of the parents position. It’s life. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you’re the one who needs to be prepared. |
Anonymous
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I think it's as simple as this:
Being the "best" applicant is never the only factor, both for high school, for college, for future jobs, and more. Sometimes, a "lesser" candidate is accepted over you, and that's because they are building a class, and building a community around it. That means they aren't ONLY looking for the best academic applicants. They also want part of the class to include great athletes because that matters to most schools, too. They also want part of the class to include great musicians or theater talent because that matters, too. They also want part of the class to include a foundation of donors because, candidly, they need money, too. And so on. They are building a well-rounded class and community. I'd start emphasizing this. If his friend is admitted and your kid isn't, it could be for a variety of factors, and the answer is you'll never really know why. (And by the way, the "why" doesn't matter in the long run!) Importantly, though, the school isn't literally looking at your kid against his friend. So if your kid doesn't get a spot, it wasn't the other kid's "fault" (or his VIP status and letter). I'd make sure my kid understands that. |
Anonymous
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I would not talk about it being unfair. I would simply say that in life schools and employers and award committees get to make decisions, and we don't always know why they chose one person over another.
Implying that your good friend shouldn't have gotten in, isn't being a good friend. Your kid also has a lot of advantages that will give him advantages over other kids. Being a full pay applicant, applying from a private school, and not having disabilities that impact his SSAT score are huge advantages. When you are born on third base, whining that someone was born 1/2 way to home is really obnoxious, and I wouldn't reinforce that. |
Anonymous
| There's nothing to explain. He's 13 he understands sometimes you get what you applied for and sometimes you don't. Let him feel all his feelings. |
Anonymous
There is nothing to explain, OP. Your DS will either get in or will not, as will his friend. Just leave it at that. |
Anonymous
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Everything said so far is spot on.
The only thing I'd add is that I'd help your kid start seeing their #2 choice school as an equally good option. You might have to convince or force yourself here, too! But it's so important not to have the top choice be so far and away the best choice in your kid's mind that they see anything else as a failure if they don't get in. |
Anonymous
| I understand how it will be hard to see your son's heartbreak if he doesn't get admitted. I watched my own DS get a door closed to what was the "it" school in his circle. I will just say this: it hurts but it is temporary. Buy the sweatshirt and get excited about his other options. By week 2 of HS, all was well and DS happy as a clam. |
Anonymous
| You explain it just like you did. I have an 8th grader applying to high schools and the kids know things like parents and money matter in the high school application game. You need to get him excited about multiple options. |
Anonymous
| Depending on the school (and others applying from your school), the inferior academic candidate that they "have to" admit could actually improve your kid's chances. |
Anonymous
| Why are you mentally jumping the gun? You must have some deep bitterness you need to let go of here. You've concocted a whole scenario painting your son as victim before receiving any rejection letter. |
Anonymous
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If it's you first disappointment, cope.
If it's DC's first, it is time to talk about resilience. Moving forward. Not dwelling on what ifs. Life will bring more disappointing things, from not being first in your HS class to being first in your HS class and being below average in your college course, to not getting chosen for things. It's not what happens to you, it's how you react. |
Anonymous
| If you're full pay he'll get in. |
Anonymous
This. You need to get out of tbe rat race OP. I have a 13yo and have had many conversations about life and having a plan A and a plan B. Talk about the other schools in a positive light, stil making him think this school is the only way for him. |