How do people keep their regular lives going during divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry and reproduce with an a$$hole?!

I can’t imagine DH doing this and all the friends I’ve known to divorce have amicable divorces and remain “friends” with their ex. Most end up better for the kids. You are at least half responsible for your trauma.

You must be a troll or self righteous POS who has no understanding of how a person can completely turn into a selfish a**hole deadbeat during a midlife crisis

Maybe… but truly I think so many people marry a$$holes who have red flags that they fail to see with their rose colored goggles. Then they are totally at a loss when the goggles come off and they see their a$&hole spouse for what they are. Just read the other forums …. “Is it a red flag if” - well, lady, if you have to ask. Some people are just so dumb. I might be mean, but it’s a heck of a lot better than being dumbfounded by things obvious to the most casual observer.

[Anonymous]

I learned how to compartmentalize.

I went to therapy every week. I still go every week.

I let go of people and learned to ignore those in real life or online who projected their fears/hatred/misogyny/trauma onto me, including people I had considered family and friends. Those who remain in my life are top quality.

I took care of myself, because no one else was going to. Even though you may want to give up, your kids need you, and they need a healthy, happy you. Don’t skip doctor appointments, exercise, eating well. It’s very hard when all you want to do is cry, but invest in yourself and you will be ok.

You can do this OP. My divorce took over 3 years from filing to finalizing. My ex lied, alienated people in my life, I was living paycheck to paycheck since all of our assets were on hold, I worked full time, I lived far from my support system. I have no idea how I got through it all but I did. I look better now than I did when I was married. I took a class online when ex had the kids (I know you said you have primary, but do something that’s just for you when you can). I started dating. I leveled up professionally and went out and networked. I don’t know who the woman who married him was, but the woman I am now deeply respects herself and is a badass who could care less about the harpies on DCUM. I found love and a stable relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you so strong and able to function OP? Just reading that was overwhelming.

I’m barely functioning which is how I’m wondering how people do it. The worst part is that because of these home observations and stuff there is a ton of pressure to make sure the kids don’t know anything about what’s going on lest I be accused of coaching them. And so everything has to be done at night in secret.

[Anonymous]

00:17 thank you so much for putting this all out there. It’s what I needed to read tonight. The freeze on assets, the distance from my support system, the lies, it’s all so familiar. The very worst was losing ILs who I thought loved me and shared friends who turned on me. It’s like a bad dream and some days I can step back and look at my life and see how messed up it must look to outsiders.

My skin already looks better and I lost weight, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry for you. I went through the same exact thing in my divorce. It was like I had three full-time jobs. He basically abandoned us so I was full-time working, and full-time parenting, and full-time doing all the divorce record and financial management discovery etc since my ex h basically had the financial skills of a child so I always handled all the investing.

It may get worse too OP, because I had also had to give him half my hard earned saving/investments to go live his new unencumbered life with his AP.
As a few divorce lawyers told me, often the irresponsible party makes out like a bandit

Three full-time jobs is exactly how it feels. I’m constantly scrambling. I’m sorry you were abandoned, too. My DH seems to pop up whenever the custody evaluator emails him for an appointment and suddenly needs to be Dad of the Year for 3 hours but only if it doesn’t conflict with his flights, meetings, or fun trips. If I don’t rearrange everything on demand then I get secondhand emails from his attorney via my attorney calling me uncooperative.

Discovery is going to take a million years because he tried to hide a ton of stuff and/or is just stupid. Hard to tell which. It’s painful to see the assets he secretly squirreled away and then lost through his dumb stock market ideas.

I was in a low place tonight but knowing there are at least two women out there who got through and survived is going to keep me going. I am grateful that you took the time to comment and hope I can be as strong as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP.
That sounds very stressful.
I can’t imagine the circumstances that would cause you’re DH to act this way—particularly if it’s a divorce YOU did not want.
I sort of get him acting all mad and crazy if he caught you cheating and is irreparably hurt by it or if you insisted on divorcing and taking the kids and he is hell-bent in not letting that happen.
But since you said in your original post that you are in the middle of a “very unwanted and very litigious divorce,” I’m trying to make sense of that since it seems like he is initiating the divorce and choosing to be nasty and difficult for no reason? Are you sure he knows that you do not want a divorce?? It just makes no sense for him to go nuclear when you aren’t pushing his buttons. And given that in 85% of all hetero divirces, it’s the woman who files, this is definitely unusual.
Hang in there.

OP here and well aware how unusual it is. I shouldn’t share too many details. Basically last year I finally stood up to his bad behavior, he threw the equivalent of a toddler tantrum, quieted down for a few months, and then started turning on our tween DDs (but not our younger DS). When the girls pushed back before I even could, he went verbally crazy at them. Then disappeared, as in took his work laptop and keys and was gone. Then filed.

I think he felt caught and ashamed and so he panicked. I had tried to get him to make amends and seek counseling. Instead he was just gone- like I literally had NO idea where he was for 10 days- and then filed. It seems possible from bank activity that he had an attorney and filing lined up way back when I started standing up to him and just had to pull the trigger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:00:17 thank you so much for putting this all out there. It’s what I needed to read tonight. The freeze on assets, the distance from my support system, the lies, it’s all so familiar. The very worst was losing ILs who I thought loved me and shared friends who turned on me. It’s like a bad dream and some days I can step back and look at my life and see how messed up it must look to outsiders.

My skin already looks better and I lost weight, though!

Yes, go you! It is so isolating and it was really dark. I found even my good friends who were on my side did not have the bandwidth to follow what was happening… ex was SO unbelievably cruel and selfish and dishonest that it seemed like one crisis after another. I learned unfortunately that I had to hide it and hold myself together.

This may sound silly but I drew inspiration at times from Winston Churchill’s quote. “Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour'".

No one will ever really know what you went through, the ways you protected your kids. Because the best way to protect them is to protect their peace and not tell them what a sh*thead their father is, and protect their reputation in the wider community. But other moms who have been through it will know. Try to trust in karma and character.

[Anonymous]

Somehow people do it. I dont know how. My ex left us and in some ways it made it easier. Less money and less time with him but also less communication to get wrong and be turned against me in court. I know lots of women like you who have to live by the let them theory and just take the high road with each gaslighting game and insult even though they are challenged each and every day through an app or in court. I would go crazy. They dont do much else except support their kids, go to work, handle the house, and workout when they can.

[Anonymous]

Oh and OP I am not that religious but when it comes to the trials and lies and betrayals by ex and family, I found that the Psalms were helpful. Just knowing that others had gone through tough times and lost everything and everyone and there was spiritual redemption helped.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and the revenge is you being better off without him.

[Anonymous]

I settled for quite a disadvantageous situation for me. I still don’t know if I was right but it was hard as it was, can’t imagine prolonged fighting.

The smart thing I did was not fighting over custody. He probably still thinks it’s 50/50, but I have my kid on school days like I wanted.

[Anonymous]

I’m working with you OP, only been laid off, so I actually have the time I need to do the document prep, but I have no money…. It’s not ideal either. But it’s 2:30 AM right now and I need to get up in the morning with the kids and I feel like I’m spending 60+ hours on this every week so it’s amazing that you are surviving as well as you are right now.

You only get it if you actually get it. These people who ask why you married someone like that, well clearly we didn’t know that our husbands would have some sort of midlife crisis and turn into the world‘s biggest a-home, but here we are, and now we have to take the logical next steps.

I’m in the middle of discovery and it is ridiculous how much information I need to pull together. I hope that all your hard work pays off and you get everything and he ends up living in a dirty chicken coop.

[Anonymous]

Lord help me, OP here printing away because half the outsiders involved want hard copies like it's 2003 and of course it's Paper Jam night/morning at my house.

Thinking of all of you out there in the same jam, both literal and figurative. Solidarity.

(And fwiw, if my hard work paid off, I'd have 100% custody and would get 50% of assets and then some. But the last few months have taught me that hard work doesn't necessarily pay off and family court is a world separate from actual law and justice.)

All I want is to get out of this mess with my kids alive and relatively intact. He'll be living like a king. I don't care, just please let my kids survive this mentally and emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry and reproduce with an a$$hole?!

I can’t imagine DH doing this and all the friends I’ve known to divorce have amicable divorces and remain “friends” with their ex. Most end up better for the kids. You are at least half responsible for your trauma.

You must be a troll or self righteous POS who has no understanding of how a person can completely turn into a selfish a**hole deadbeat during a midlife crisis

Maybe… but truly I think so many people marry a$$holes who have red flags that they fail to see with their rose colored goggles. Then they are totally at a loss when the goggles come off and they see their a$&hole spouse for what they are. Just read the other forums …. “Is it a red flag if” - well, lady, if you have to ask. Some people are just so dumb. I might be mean, but it’s a heck of a lot better than being dumbfounded by things obvious to the most casual observer.

Some people can hide their shit really well and for years. I’ve quizzed my family, my friends (who knew him for years before we got married), HIS friends (who knew him before I did), his family—did I miss something? How did I not see this coming? Everyone is shocked. Shame on me.

[Anonymous]

I’m the prior poster who felt like she was working 3 jobs.
His lawyer is trying to exhaust you and wear you down unnecessarily.
your lawyer needs to protect you much more
You should NOT have to do paper copies of discovery. I assembled 3000+ pages of discovery, but it was all electronic. I basically downloaded all the bank, credit card, investment statements, and then merged in a PDF. And then did a simple index for my lawyer. That was sufficient.
Also, your lawyer needs to stop the demands for last-minute meetings. He she should tell them you that meetings should be planned with a two week notice.
I had to switch lawyers midstream because my first one wasn’t strong/strategic enough, and was only focused on billing me. It was difficult but worth it.

Also rely more heavily on family and friends, even if they have to fly in for a weekend to help my mom would come in and watch my kids for a full weekend while I spent 48 hours straight on discovery gathering. I also remember working one weekend straight and memo for pre-trial when my husband withdrew our settlement agreement right before court.

Also, it is really OK if your kids see the struggle you’re going through and you tell them the basics of what’s happening.
Divorce is a severely unfair process, but you have to stay strong against bad actors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry and reproduce with an a$$hole?!

I can’t imagine DH doing this and all the friends I’ve known to divorce have amicable divorces and remain “friends” with their ex. Most end up better for the kids. You are at least half responsible for your trauma.

You must be a troll or self righteous POS who has no understanding of how a person can completely turn into a selfish a**hole deadbeat during a midlife crisis

Maybe… but truly I think so many people marry a$$holes who have red flags that they fail to see with their rose colored goggles. Then they are totally at a loss when the goggles come off and they see their a$&hole spouse for what they are. Just read the other forums …. “Is it a red flag if” - well, lady, if you have to ask. Some people are just so dumb. I might be mean, but it’s a heck of a lot better than being dumbfounded by things obvious to the most casual observer.

Some people can hide their shit really well and for years. I’ve quizzed my family, my friends (who knew him for years before we got married), HIS friends (who knew him before I did), his family—did I miss something? How did I not see this coming? Everyone is shocked. Shame on me.

Same here. ALL our friends were completely shocked and thought he was having a mental breakdown, in the beginning but then we all realized he just turned evil. His out of town family just swept it under the rug and doesn’t want to get involved