How do people keep their regular lives going during divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly, but seeking 100% custody and having a parent evaluator in your life is unlikely to get you anything more than 50% custody and has vastly increased the amount of stress in your life. I don’t know your situation, but if your position on custody became more flexible, do you think you could perhaps negotiate a divorce that would be smoother and be done faster? Given what you heard from the evaluator perhaps it is time to find a less stressful path.

And I’m very, very sorry if shared custody is a terrible outcome for your kids. I just think you may need to be more realistic about where your time could be best focused.

I’ve desperately tried to negotiate with my DH from the day he filed. Unfortunately he filed for the evaluation hours after I submitted my response to his initial petition. His attorney only withdrew an emergency hearing motion for full custody and minimal child support when I signed off on the evaluation. He refused to discuss any other options.

It’s heartbreaking.

I understand that since he has initiated the evaluation, it is extraordinarily unlikely that anything short of 50/50 custody will happen and since he’s asking as a dad, it’s very possible that he will get far more than 50%. I believe that the aggressive moves he’s making as a cover for some things he’s dealing with or has done, and it is very effective. I don’t even have future money to negotiate away- his salary makes mine insignificant so it’s not like I can say “just take everything” and get him to settle.

I wish that one person didn’t have the power to create a situation like this.

Don’t let fear overcome you. My exH sought full custody? and with the help of a pre I got primary custody and he got every other weekend.

Can you clarify? Not sure if there is a typo or if this is something I just don’t understand.

In my state a PRE is a parental responsibility evaluator. CFI is the less expensive option- and less conclusive. The PP above seemed to imply that 50/50 was what all people get- and it’s not been my experience. In my case exH travelled extensively and I had been primary parent since birth so the evaluator said me having primary was best. Dad got every other weekend.

Tl:dr- vindictive father wanted 100%. I live in a pro dad strongly 50/50 state. Thanks to a custody evaluator I got primary custody and alcoholic dad got every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly, but seeking 100% custody and having a parent evaluator in your life is unlikely to get you anything more than 50% custody and has vastly increased the amount of stress in your life. I don’t know your situation, but if your position on custody became more flexible, do you think you could perhaps negotiate a divorce that would be smoother and be done faster? Given what you heard from the evaluator perhaps it is time to find a less stressful path.

And I’m very, very sorry if shared custody is a terrible outcome for your kids. I just think you may need to be more realistic about where your time could be best focused.

I’ve desperately tried to negotiate with my DH from the day he filed. Unfortunately he filed for the evaluation hours after I submitted my response to his initial petition. His attorney only withdrew an emergency hearing motion for full custody and minimal child support when I signed off on the evaluation. He refused to discuss any other options.

It’s heartbreaking.

I understand that since he has initiated the evaluation, it is extraordinarily unlikely that anything short of 50/50 custody will happen and since he’s asking as a dad, it’s very possible that he will get far more than 50%. I believe that the aggressive moves he’s making as a cover for some things he’s dealing with or has done, and it is very effective. I don’t even have future money to negotiate away- his salary makes mine insignificant so it’s not like I can say “just take everything” and get him to settle.

I wish that one person didn’t have the power to create a situation like this.

Don’t let fear overcome you. My exH sought full custody? and with the help of a pre I got primary custody and he got every other weekend.

Can you clarify? Not sure if there is a typo or if this is something I just don’t understand.

In my state a PRE is a parental responsibility evaluator. CFI is the less expensive option- and less conclusive. The PP above seemed to imply that 50/50 was what all people get- and it’s not been my experience. In my case exH travelled extensively and I had been primary parent since birth so the evaluator said me having primary was best. Dad got every other weekend.

Tl:dr- vindictive father wanted 100%. I live in a pro dad strongly 50/50 state. Thanks to a custody evaluator I got primary custody and alcoholic dad got every other weekend.

Not OP and given that he's an alcoholic it's a failure of the system if he even got weekends, unless he's blowing into the breathalyzer twice a day or something. How old were the kids? Did you have documented proof of the substance abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly, but seeking 100% custody and having a parent evaluator in your life is unlikely to get you anything more than 50% custody and has vastly increased the amount of stress in your life. I don’t know your situation, but if your position on custody became more flexible, do you think you could perhaps negotiate a divorce that would be smoother and be done faster? Given what you heard from the evaluator perhaps it is time to find a less stressful path.

And I’m very, very sorry if shared custody is a terrible outcome for your kids. I just think you may need to be more realistic about where your time could be best focused.

I’ve desperately tried to negotiate with my DH from the day he filed. Unfortunately he filed for the evaluation hours after I submitted my response to his initial petition. His attorney only withdrew an emergency hearing motion for full custody and minimal child support when I signed off on the evaluation. He refused to discuss any other options.

It’s heartbreaking.

I understand that since he has initiated the evaluation, it is extraordinarily unlikely that anything short of 50/50 custody will happen and since he’s asking as a dad, it’s very possible that he will get far more than 50%. I believe that the aggressive moves he’s making as a cover for some things he’s dealing with or has done, and it is very effective. I don’t even have future money to negotiate away- his salary makes mine insignificant so it’s not like I can say “just take everything” and get him to settle.

I wish that one person didn’t have the power to create a situation like this.

Don’t let fear overcome you. My exH sought full custody? and with the help of a pre I got primary custody and he got every other weekend.

Can you clarify? Not sure if there is a typo or if this is something I just don’t understand.

In my state a PRE is a parental responsibility evaluator. CFI is the less expensive option- and less conclusive. The PP above seemed to imply that 50/50 was what all people get- and it’s not been my experience. In my case exH travelled extensively and I had been primary parent since birth so the evaluator said me having primary was best. Dad got every other weekend.

Tl:dr- vindictive father wanted 100%. I live in a pro dad strongly 50/50 state. Thanks to a custody evaluator I got primary custody and alcoholic dad got every other weekend.

Not OP and given that he's an alcoholic it's a failure of the system if he even got weekends, unless he's blowing into the breathalyzer twice a day or something. How old were the kids? Did you have documented proof of the substance abuse?

OP and I’m in a pro-dad state and my alcoholic neighbor has the kids 50/50 after maybe 2 months of an ignition device and a brief period of sobriety. He’s drinking heavily again but the mom, who is an attorney, wasn’t able to get modification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly, but seeking 100% custody and having a parent evaluator in your life is unlikely to get you anything more than 50% custody and has vastly increased the amount of stress in your life. I don’t know your situation, but if your position on custody became more flexible, do you think you could perhaps negotiate a divorce that would be smoother and be done faster? Given what you heard from the evaluator perhaps it is time to find a less stressful path.

And I’m very, very sorry if shared custody is a terrible outcome for your kids. I just think you may need to be more realistic about where your time could be best focused.

I’ve desperately tried to negotiate with my DH from the day he filed. Unfortunately he filed for the evaluation hours after I submitted my response to his initial petition. His attorney only withdrew an emergency hearing motion for full custody and minimal child support when I signed off on the evaluation. He refused to discuss any other options.

It’s heartbreaking.

I understand that since he has initiated the evaluation, it is extraordinarily unlikely that anything short of 50/50 custody will happen and since he’s asking as a dad, it’s very possible that he will get far more than 50%. I believe that the aggressive moves he’s making as a cover for some things he’s dealing with or has done, and it is very effective. I don’t even have future money to negotiate away- his salary makes mine insignificant so it’s not like I can say “just take everything” and get him to settle.

I wish that one person didn’t have the power to create a situation like this.

Don’t let fear overcome you. My exH sought full custody? and with the help of a pre I got primary custody and he got every other weekend.

Can you clarify? Not sure if there is a typo or if this is something I just don’t understand.

In my state a PRE is a parental responsibility evaluator. CFI is the less expensive option- and less conclusive. The PP above seemed to imply that 50/50 was what all people get- and it’s not been my experience. In my case exH travelled extensively and I had been primary parent since birth so the evaluator said me having primary was best. Dad got every other weekend.

Tl:dr- vindictive father wanted 100%. I live in a pro dad strongly 50/50 state. Thanks to a custody evaluator I got primary custody and alcoholic dad got every other weekend.

Not OP and given that he's an alcoholic it's a failure of the system if he even got weekends, unless he's blowing into the breathalyzer twice a day or something. How old were the kids? Did you have documented proof of the substance abuse?

OP and I’m in a pro-dad state and my alcoholic neighbor has the kids 50/50 after maybe 2 months of an ignition device and a brief period of sobriety. He’s drinking heavily again but the mom, who is an attorney, wasn’t able to get modification.

PP here, and <bleep> the system. That's awful.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.

You need more sleep. Prioritize that over everything. Are you confident that your attorney is being aggressive/defensive enough about unreasonable requests? Paper documentation is unreasonable.

In terms of light at the end of the tunnel: how old are the kids? It honestly sounds highly unlikely that he will truly want to exercise his 50/50 even if he wins it. And if the tweens are nearly teens, there is very little the courts will do if they refuse to go to one parent or the other.

Just so you don’t see every day, every email, every request for documentation right now as potentially catastrophically ruining your children’s lives, please know:

- they know you are there for them
- they have therapists already and you can work on a safety plan with them in conjunction with each therapist if the concern is mental illness or verbal/emotional abuse
- the 2 oldest now are old enough to have Apple Watches or some other way to contact you in an emergency and your lawyer should be working on a plan in writing so that whenever they are with him, they can have direct contact with you.

Unless you have documented abuse/mental illness/substance use yourself, I have never heard of a dad getting more than 50%. Is he trying to go for 100, or just 50? If just 50, you’ve got to look at that worst case scenario and build a real plan around surviving it. Your kids CAN survive it with your support unless you have reason to believe he is potentially homicidal.

Literally count the years until they can be free of him if they need to be.

You HAVE to stay whole and rested and dependable for them. And that means you need sleep. Even if, worst case scenario, they are with him 50% of the nights, they will be safe for HALF their nights at your house. You will survive this and you will not let it destroy you. A safe house and a stable mom half the time is a LOt more than a lot of kids get who turn out okay in the world.

Try to work on building other safe people around them, too. They are tweens so you can’t be the center of their world for much longer. Do you have a couple of very trusted other moms, parents of their friends? You will need those people. They need other safe houses. You need other safe adults for them.

And you need rest. Tell your attorney you can’t keep up with this pace right now and he/she needs to protect you more with more reasonable deadlines.

Btw, try not to fall for his attorney’s abuse. Literally no adjective his attorney uses for you will be true. Ever. You do not need his attorney to like you. He/she likely knows that your desire for approval and affirmation is a weak spot and they can use labels like “uncooperative” to drive you crazy and make you stay up till 3 for something that could wait another week. Don’t fall for it.

Think of it like this…you know you don’t smell, right? You bathe and use deodorant. So of the lawyer and ex’s texts send you abusive correspondence about how smelly you are and how your smelliness is hindering this process and hurting your kids, you objectively know that is a ridiculous lie, right?

So replace every adjective they use for you with “smelly”. You are not smelly. You are not unreasonable, uncooperative, dishonest, scheming, conniving, alienating, or any other adjective they WILL throw at you. You’re a mom fighting hard for your kids. Don’t fall for words that are meant to burn you down from sharp tool to a useless worn down nub. They will NEVER use an accurate adjective to describe you. So whatever adjective they do use is as inaccurate as smelly. Blue. Feathered. Whatever…all meaningless. You know they aren’t true. When you see one of those adjectives, talk back to it. “Not gonna fall for this, a-hole. I’m getting sleep tonight and I’m not falling into their trap that is meant to destroy me.”

Go to sleep now, my friend. You need it like oxygen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes abusive men use the family court system as another means to abuse their wife.

Sometimes abusive cheating women use the court system to do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly, but seeking 100% custody and having a parent evaluator in your life is unlikely to get you anything more than 50% custody and has vastly increased the amount of stress in your life. I don’t know your situation, but if your position on custody became more flexible, do you think you could perhaps negotiate a divorce that would be smoother and be done faster? Given what you heard from the evaluator perhaps it is time to find a less stressful path.

And I’m very, very sorry if shared custody is a terrible outcome for your kids. I just think you may need to be more realistic about where your time could be best focused.

I’ve desperately tried to negotiate with my DH from the day he filed. Unfortunately he filed for the evaluation hours after I submitted my response to his initial petition. His attorney only withdrew an emergency hearing motion for full custody and minimal child support when I signed off on the evaluation. He refused to discuss any other options.

It’s heartbreaking.

I understand that since he has initiated the evaluation, it is extraordinarily unlikely that anything short of 50/50 custody will happen and since he’s asking as a dad, it’s very possible that he will get far more than 50%. I believe that the aggressive moves he’s making as a cover for some things he’s dealing with or has done, and it is very effective. I don’t even have future money to negotiate away- his salary makes mine insignificant so it’s not like I can say “just take everything” and get him to settle.

I wish that one person didn’t have the power to create a situation like this.

Don’t let fear overcome you. My exH sought full custody? and with the help of a pre I got primary custody and he got every other weekend.

Can you clarify? Not sure if there is a typo or if this is something I just don’t understand.

In my state a PRE is a parental responsibility evaluator. CFI is the less expensive option- and less conclusive. The PP above seemed to imply that 50/50 was what all people get- and it’s not been my experience. In my case exH travelled extensively and I had been primary parent since birth so the evaluator said me having primary was best. Dad got every other weekend.

Tl:dr- vindictive father wanted 100%. I live in a pro dad strongly 50/50 state. Thanks to a custody evaluator I got primary custody and alcoholic dad got every other weekend.

Its not vindictive to want custody of your kids especially when the other parent is actively trying to block your contact and shared custody.