How do people keep their regular lives going during divorce?

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is unique to my situation but I don’t understand how others are keeping it going. I’m in a very unwanted and very unpleasantly litigious divorce.

Everything seems to hinge on documentation. Pulling old documents. Summarizing old emails. Pulling financial statements and receipts and more emails. Pulling old texts. Keeping track of everything in the stupid parenting app thing. Writing every email as if it’s going to be read by a judge to the entire town. Taking notes after every time my kids have visitation. Taking notes of visitations refused, pickuop times, early drop offs. Recording changes in health and grades and activities and everything else.

I have primary custody right now and am working and am doing everything at home and many nights I’m up until 2-3 and back at it at 6 am to start all over. Just when I catch my breath something like an attorney meeting or a hearing or another deadline or a home observation pops up and I’m back to working in the wee hours to prep.

I don’t know anyone who is divorced and I don’t know how unusual this is. My attorney is supportive and on top of things and assures me this isn’t typical but that I have to keep going. I have the sense that STBX and his attorney are trying to wear me down to get me to surrender in terms of finances or custody.

How do people do this?

[Anonymous]

You compromise and work it out and don't fight over it.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry and reproduce with an a$$hole?!

I can’t imagine DH doing this and all the friends I’ve known to divorce have amicable divorces and remain “friends” with their ex. Most end up better for the kids. You are at least half responsible for your trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry and reproduce with an a$$hole?!

I can’t imagine DH doing this and all the friends I’ve known to divorce have amicable divorces and remain “friends” with their ex. Most end up better for the kids. You are at least half responsible for your trauma.

I ask myself that same question. I couldn’t imagine my DH doing it until he did. It takes two to marry but only one to divorce.

If you have a crystal ball or time machine and are willing to loan it out, please do.

Thanks for taking the time to share your helpful insight and experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry and reproduce with an a$$hole?!

I can’t imagine DH doing this and all the friends I’ve known to divorce have amicable divorces and remain “friends” with their ex. Most end up better for the kids. You are at least half responsible for your trauma.

Well, maybe your DH won’t do this.

But at some point life will kick you in the teeth, and I hope you won’t go easy on yourself. Because whatever happens, it will be your fault,

[Anonymous]

I’d say your situation is unusual. Most people realize pretty quickly that by prolonging the fight they are only enriching the lawyers. My ex and I were barely speaking, but we still managed to get through mediation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say your situation is unusual. Most people realize pretty quickly that by prolonging the fight they are only enriching the lawyers. My ex and I were barely speaking, but we still managed to get through mediation.

I wish mine could have had that realization. Someone got in his head and he went straight to every nuclear option possible. Never mind speaking. He wouldn’t even reply to emails.

In a way it’s reassuring to know that my situation is not normal. I’ve wondered if I’m not handling it as easily or competently as others do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is unique to my situation but I don’t understand how others are keeping it going. I’m in a very unwanted and very unpleasantly litigious divorce.

Everything seems to hinge on documentation. Pulling old documents. Summarizing old emails. Pulling financial statements and receipts and more emails. Pulling old texts. Keeping track of everything in the stupid parenting app thing. Writing every email as if it’s going to be read by a judge to the entire town. Taking notes after every time my kids have visitation. Taking notes of visitations refused, pickuop times, early drop offs. Recording changes in health and grades and activities and everything else.

I have primary custody right now and am working and am doing everything at home and many nights I’m up until 2-3 and back at it at 6 am to start all over. Just when I catch my breath something like an attorney meeting or a hearing or another deadline or a home observation pops up and I’m back to working in the wee hours to prep.

I don’t know anyone who is divorced and I don’t know how unusual this is. My attorney is supportive and on top of things and assures me this isn’t typical but that I have to keep going. I have the sense that STBX and his attorney are trying to wear me down to get me to surrender in terms of finances or custody.

How do people do this?

This is not the norm. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry and reproduce with an a$$hole?!

I can’t imagine DH doing this and all the friends I’ve known to divorce have amicable divorces and remain “friends” with their ex. Most end up better for the kids. You are at least half responsible for your trauma.

You must be a troll or self righteous POS who has no understanding of how a person can completely turn into a selfish a**hole deadbeat during a midlife crisis

[Anonymous]

How are you so strong and able to function OP? Just reading that was overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for you. I went through the same exact thing in my divorce. It was like I had three full-time jobs. He basically abandoned us so I was full-time working, and full-time parenting, and full-time doing all the divorce record and financial management discovery etc since my ex h basically had the financial skills of a child so I always handled all the investing.

It may get worse too OP, because I had also had to give him half my hard earned saving/investments to go live his new unencumbered life with his AP.
As a few divorce lawyers told me, often the irresponsible party makes out like a bandit

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP.
That sounds very stressful.
I can’t imagine the circumstances that would cause you’re DH to act this way—particularly if it’s a divorce YOU did not want.
I sort of get him acting all mad and crazy if he caught you cheating and is irreparably hurt by it or if you insisted on divorcing and taking the kids and he is hell-bent in not letting that happen.
But since you said in your original post that you are in the middle of a “very unwanted and very litigious divorce,” I’m trying to make sense of that since it seems like he is initiating the divorce and choosing to be nasty and difficult for no reason? Are you sure he knows that you do not want a divorce?? It just makes no sense for him to go nuclear when you aren’t pushing his buttons. And given that in 85% of all hetero divirces, it’s the woman who files, this is definitely unusual.
Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I know multiple women who lost their jobs during divorce because they were so stressed out with dealing with everything. Don't let that happen to you. Work during the hours you are supposed to be working.

[Anonymous]

Make a list of all the stuff you need to pull and spend half the day on weekends pulling it together. Each week make a new list.

Create a chart for visitation so you can just check things off/fill in: Date of visitation, pickup on time, kids clothes upon leaving, upon returning, what they said they ate, health, time of return, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry and reproduce with an a$$hole?!

I can’t imagine DH doing this and all the friends I’ve known to divorce have amicable divorces and remain “friends” with their ex. Most end up better for the kids. You are at least half responsible for your trauma.

Well, maybe your DH won’t do this.

But at some point life will kick you in the teeth, and I hope you won’t go easy on yourself. Because whatever happens, it will be your fault,

Short of recent traumatic brain injury most people know their spouses. If they failed to see the red flags they live that burden. And, yes, life has kicked me in the teeth (just like everyone else). The difference? I don’t blame others, I take responsibility, and I control what I can - in OPs case that would be the reaction to an unreasonable person and emotional response.

OP - sure it’s draining - buck up, do what needs to be done to put it in your past. Most importantly learn from this and don’t make any stupid man mistakes again. Some women go from dumb mistake to dumb mistake. It’s only a total loss if you fail to learn.