Worried about our daughter

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the advice. We are currently looking for a new tutor and encourage her to talk to her math teacher who seems like a very nice lady. She is planning on going to school in Europe since she has a citizenship in one of the countries but DH and I agree that grades are still extremely important. As for sports and clubs she has joined a couple the first few weeks but stopped going because she didn’t feel like it. She keeps saying she wants her old life back and I feel so bad because she can’t.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like depression. I’d work on treating this, without proper treatment she will not care enough to fix grades and it could get even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m hoping to get some perspective from parents who’ve been through this.
My 15 year old daughter is a freshman this year. She didn’t get into a selective high school and is attending our in boundary school, which has been a bigger adjustment than we anticipated.
She has friends and is doing ok academically, but she’s not happy and feels overwhelmed much of the time. She often says she misses her friends who ended up at other schools, and she really misses her old life in middle school.
We’re also seeing changes that worry us a bit. she chose not to try out for the basketball team this year (something she used to enjoy) and hasn’t been very interested in extracurriculars in general which wasn’t the case last year in middle school.
Unfortunately, private school isn’t financially an option for us, so we’re trying to understand whether this is a fairly typical freshman-year adjustment or a sign that she’s truly struggling and may need a different path.
I’d really appreciate hearing from parents whose kids went through something similar-did things improve with time, or did you end up making a change? Thank you so much for any insight.

When I was a little younger than your daughter there were some big changes in my family and life. Parents divorcing, sibling separation, moving to a new town and school. My parents never told me why, just suddenly separated and I was relocating to a new town and location. I also lost contact with my friends.

I was already the “more difficult” one out of my brother and sister and I knew it. If anyone was going to get in trouble it was usually me. Added to that that I was never told what was going on, or why. I felt like I was the cause of the problems and I did not handle it well at all.

I started skipping classes, fighting, getting into trouble regularly and mixing with the wrong crowd. Going from an A grade student to regular Fs on my report cards. There were also other behavioral problems I developed such as intentionally soiling my underwear.

Before the changes I had some good friends that I suddenly lost contact with, and I felt like I was being punished. I strongly believe that if I knew what was going on and the reasons behind the changes, things would have been different.

My advice is keep her informed and make sure she keeps in contact with her friends, especially if they are good kid/s and will support her. Also, if she likes sports make sure, she has the opportunity to participate in team type activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"She has friends and is doing OK academically."

What more do you want, OP? High school is a difficult transition. My son had a difficult time too, and it didn't help that the pandemic started in his second semester. My daughter had an easier time only because she had spent 8th grade being bussed to her high school for first period for one class, so she felt a little more familiar with the building.

Continue to provide lots of support and encouragement.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry she's going through this!

And I'm sorry people are piling on you about her Cs. This sounds like depression, and helping her with that is the most important thing.

I would seek an outside counselor/therapist. Doesn't have to be forever.

Wanting things to be the same with her friends is natural, but chances are, they have all moved on to a certain extent. (And with social media, maybe she is seeing her friends doing fun things with their new friends and is feeling even worse.) So, like someone else mentioned, I would really try to help her find a new activity where she'd be likely to meet nice kids and stay busy. I love the suggestion of track. You don't have to be a superstar; kids are generally nice; and it takes up a ton of time and everyone improves.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds depressed to me and she probably needs help from a therapist and possibly medication. You’ve basically outlined how she has lost interest in things that used to interest her, and that she has decreased energy overall. That’s depression. It may be situational - like as soon as she gets her bearings and a new friend group she will be okay. But in the meantime I would be very worried about those Cs and what that might mean for college in the future (unless you just expected her to go to an in state public in which case don’t stress about the grades just make sure she keeps passing her classes). But overall I do think she needs some talk therapy, I do think she needs to join Something, so that she feels better about the situation as she heads into summer. Because if in June she is feeling and being the same way - that’s trouble.

Oh for pete's sake. Please lay off the amateur psychiatric diagnosing.

OP is concerned enough to post here. OP has gotten (some) good advice, although rushing to a therapist and medication for what very well could be normal teen high school transition is way overkill. And potentially more harmful.

Talk to her OP. Spend a lot of time with her and figure out what's going on. You're her mother.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to go with a therapist as well. I’m not one of the big therapy-right-away folks, but when my DD was having a difficult time navigating some things in high school, I mentioned the option to her, and after some thought she asked me to make an appt for her.

It was a really good experience for her, and it wasn’t a forever thing. She went for a few months and after being equipped with some good coping techniques, and incorporating them successfully, she and the therapist both agreed she didn’t need to continue. DD’s outlook noticeably improved.

Good luck to you and your DD. It’s tough to be in the midst of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice. We are currently looking for a new tutor and encourage her to talk to her math teacher who seems like a very nice lady. She is planning on going to school in Europe since she has a citizenship in one of the countries but DH and I agree that grades are still extremely important. As for sports and clubs she has joined a couple the first few weeks but stopped going because she didn’t feel like it. She keeps saying she wants her old life back and I feel so bad because she can’t.

Look into what is needed to attend European colleges. Lots of kids are caught off guard by the requirements and the fact that acceptances are conditional. She will need strong grades and extra curricular activities to attend most European colleges. And if she is strugglingto adjust from MS to HS she is going to really struggle to adjust to college in a different country.

Your task is to help her find a path forward at her new school. You need to help her understand that transition is hard. It is great to validate that she misses her MS experience, it sounds like she had a great one, and then help her focus on the work she needs to do to have a similar HS experience. What can she do to find friends? In MS you did these activities and that helped you find friends. You need to do the same thing in HS. You said she enjoyed basketball in MS, so trying out for the basketball team is important in HS. It will help her meet kids who share an enjoyment of basketball. What clubs did she do in MS? She should look for similar clubs in HS. What is it that she wishes she had tried in MS but didn’t? Find that club in HS.

She can be sad that her friends are in different places but still try and get a footing in her new place. The more she meets new people, the easier it will be but those first steps are hard.

And get a tutor for her in math or look at mathnasium. She needs help shoring up basic skills it sounds like. She doesn’t have to do the highest track in math if that has been a struggle. It is ok to do regular math or honors math.

[Anonymous]

Therapy is a critical first step. My fifth grader went through something similar (grades dipped from as to all bs, distance from friends , etc). Now she has bounced back and the therapist was a huge help.

[Anonymous]

For a new EC- the spring musicals are getting started. Encourage her to join Tech - lighting, building, costumes etc. My DD found her HS "family" that way. She started as a tech for the spring musical her freshman year and then went on to audition and have speaking roles by Sr year.

[Anonymous]

I suggest pushing/requiring participation in a sport. Helps with making friends, mood, sleep, feeling of belonging, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice. We are currently looking for a new tutor and encourage her to talk to her math teacher who seems like a very nice lady. She is planning on going to school in Europe since she has a citizenship in one of the countries but DH and I agree that grades are still extremely important. As for sports and clubs she has joined a couple the first few weeks but stopped going because she didn’t feel like it. She keeps saying she wants her old life back and I feel so bad because she can’t.

Which country? I'm French. It's complicated to get into French undergrad without a Baccalaureat if you are a French citizen. Other countries have different requirements. A lot of EU universities require good grades and test scores, and I don't think any are interested in extra-curriculars. In short, being a good candidate for foreign unis who look at grades and test scores requires focusing on academics, whereas being a good candidate for US colleges requires doing a lot outside of school. Except for the kids who are good at everything, you almost have to decide beforehand where you want to focus your efforts.

You're going to have to think this through, OP. It's not easy to leave at 17/18 and move far away from family, even if it's to a country that one knows. Especially if at 14, she's all in shock over a high school transition. Non-US universities are also "real universities", in that there is absolutely no hand-holding, contrary to American colleges which are just extensions of high school. She doesn't sound like the best candidate for a trans-Atlantic move in 4 years.

My oldest looked at universities abroad, particularly France and Canada, but opted for a US one, closer to home. He did study abroad in Paris, our home city, and it went great. He wasn't the sort to just hop the pond at 18 and live it up independently. Know your kid before making grand plans, OP, especially considering that the entire high school strategy changes based on foreign vs American applications...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice. We are currently looking for a new tutor and encourage her to talk to her math teacher who seems like a very nice lady. She is planning on going to school in Europe since she has a citizenship in one of the countries but DH and I agree that grades are still extremely important. As for sports and clubs she has joined a couple the first few weeks but stopped going because she didn’t feel like it. She keeps saying she wants her old life back and I feel so bad because she can’t.

Which country? I'm French. It's complicated to get into French undergrad without a Baccalaureat if you are a French citizen. Other countries have different requirements. A lot of EU universities require good grades and test scores, and I don't think any are interested in extra-curriculars. In short, being a good candidate for foreign unis who look at grades and test scores requires focusing on academics, whereas being a good candidate for US colleges requires doing a lot outside of school. Except for the kids who are good at everything, you almost have to decide beforehand where you want to focus your efforts.

You're going to have to think this through, OP. It's not easy to leave at 17/18 and move far away from family, even if it's to a country that one knows. Especially if at 14, she's all in shock over a high school transition. Non-US universities are also "real universities", in that there is absolutely no hand-holding, contrary to American colleges which are just extensions of high school. She doesn't sound like the best candidate for a trans-Atlantic move in 4 years.

My oldest looked at universities abroad, particularly France and Canada, but opted for a US one, closer to home. He did study abroad in Paris, our home city, and it went great. He wasn't the sort to just hop the pond at 18 and live it up independently. Know your kid before making grand plans, OP, especially considering that the entire high school strategy changes based on foreign vs American applications...

Thank you for the feedback! Unfortunately as a European family we didnt know how expensive these colleges were so we didn’t save up and won’t be able to afford the college tuitions in the US for all our kids. We do have family in Europe who she would be staying with or we would move there ourselves though I know it is a bit too early to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice. We are currently looking for a new tutor and encourage her to talk to her math teacher who seems like a very nice lady. She is planning on going to school in Europe since she has a citizenship in one of the countries but DH and I agree that grades are still extremely important. As for sports and clubs she has joined a couple the first few weeks but stopped going because she didn’t feel like it. She keeps saying she wants her old life back and I feel so bad because she can’t.

Which country? I'm French. It's complicated to get into French undergrad without a Baccalaureat if you are a French citizen. Other countries have different requirements. A lot of EU universities require good grades and test scores, and I don't think any are interested in extra-curriculars. In short, being a good candidate for foreign unis who look at grades and test scores requires focusing on academics, whereas being a good candidate for US colleges requires doing a lot outside of school. Except for the kids who are good at everything, you almost have to decide beforehand where you want to focus your efforts.

You're going to have to think this through, OP. It's not easy to leave at 17/18 and move far away from family, even if it's to a country that one knows. Especially if at 14, she's all in shock over a high school transition. Non-US universities are also "real universities", in that there is absolutely no hand-holding, contrary to American colleges which are just extensions of high school. She doesn't sound like the best candidate for a trans-Atlantic move in 4 years.

My oldest looked at universities abroad, particularly France and Canada, but opted for a US one, closer to home. He did study abroad in Paris, our home city, and it went great. He wasn't the sort to just hop the pond at 18 and live it up independently. Know your kid before making grand plans, OP, especially considering that the entire high school strategy changes based on foreign vs American applications...

Thank you for the feedback! Unfortunately as a European family we didnt know how expensive these colleges were so we didn’t save up and won’t be able to afford the college tuitions in the US for all our kids. We do have family in Europe who she would be staying with or we would move there ourselves though I know it is a bit too early to think about.

PP you replied to. Not at all. You all need to plan for this now. One of my friends is also in the same predicament, and belatedly realized that her oldest was not in good shape to attend university in Europe. Her grades weren't good enough for the unis she wanted in that country, so they thought, might as well try some colleges here. Her kid could not get into the in-state flagship, and she was accepted to a decent college out of state. 50K a year. Her parents are actively trying to get her transferred to the in-state flaghip to lower costs, or to get her to graduate early from the out of state college.

It can get very complicated and very expensive if you don't plan, OP. You need specific university names in your home country, admissions requirements for students living abroad under a different school system, and then you can see whether her math grades will tank her or not.

[Anonymous]

The high school transition can be tough for many kids. I was young for my age until half way through sophomore year and starting high school was confusing. Everyone else seemed to be partying, drinking, and hooking up, while I still felt and acted like a little kid. Being the youngest in my family didn’t help either. I’d say just give it a little more time, things will get better.