Tips for reinvigorating sex life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this for you. We are way less than 2x a month. I feel like I should take some notes here. Can I ask your age? I'm 50 and she's late 40s

Late 40s here. What do you think is the biggest issue for you two in this area?

She keeps busy with lots of stuff.
We'll just watch a lot of TV.
Kids that are getting older and stay up later now.
She falls asleep quickly.
I have never really been a big flirt.
I am never really sure if she wants it and hasn't seemed bothered by our lack of sex.

Meaning, you have no idea how to initiate. That’s a pretty big turnoff for women. Many women’s desire comes from being desired. It’s a tough job for men, but it’s important if you want to keep the bedroom alive. If she wants it, you’ll know. She’s doing her duty. Get some confidence and seduce her.

I can accept that. I would say that it's true. And I can admit that I haven't done enough for being affectionate. I do my best to carry my load with the household, though... cooking, shopping, taking care of kids, yada yada yada.

I've kind of always been shy and awkward with women. Didn't date in high school. I managed to get married, though. (Twice)

Some good news, though. I did initiate this Saturday morning. I told her that I am bad at initiating. She suggested to make it as a new years resolution. So maybe things will heat up this year.

[Anonymous]

Tip: don’t be a slob in your own home. Not sexy

[Anonymous]

Tip: don’t be an emotionally imaging temper tantruming child to your spouse and actual children. Not sexy.

[Anonymous]

Tip: don’t be a self-centered screen addict from 5am until 10pm 24/7/365. Not sexy.

[Anonymous]

Tip: don’t be an overweight or obese, inactive overeating slob. Not sexy

Tip: don’t be an out of shape, $10k/year skinny fat GLP injection inactive vain slob and either. Not sexy.

[Anonymous]

Very good advice.

It might be obvious, but, generally, the more you’re intimate, the more you’ll want it.

I have a stronger drive that my wife, are intimate 1-2 per month. Given kids and work, 1 once a week is a realistic goal. However, my wife generally does it out of obligation, rushes it, and vanilla (unless kids are away). My goal it more meaningful. Any recommendations? I tell her it want to make it about her. Naturally low drive (even before premenopausal), uncomfortable with trying spice it up, doesn’t share preferences when asked, etc. Also, has never “O” —including solo. She assumes her body isn’t wired to.

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask, you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

?

[Anonymous]

All the dancing around on this issue is hilarious. Your wife either is sexual and wants it or doesn't. So many women married some mousy nerd just because their friends were getting married or because they wanted to have kids before they got too old, or both. Once they get the ring and the kids, they have zero interest in sex. The charade about housework or romance or whatever is because they can't admit to their spouse or themselves that there was never any real interest.

My wife and I have a great sex life that has nothing to do with housework or romance. I'm no Prince Charming. I'm tall and rich -- that's about all I have going for me. But my wife loves sex and always has. But then, neither of us are mousy nerds who had to settle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the dancing around on this issue is hilarious. Your wife either is sexual and wants it or doesn't. So many women married some mousy nerd just because their friends were getting married or because they wanted to have kids before they got too old, or both. Once they get the ring and the kids, they have zero interest in sex. The charade about housework or romance or whatever is because they can't admit to their spouse or themselves that there was never any real interest.

My wife and I have a great sex life that has nothing to do with housework or romance. I'm no Prince Charming. I'm tall and rich -- that's about all I have going for me. But my wife loves sex and always has. But then, neither of us are
mousy nerds who had to settle.

How old are you both? Is your wife hot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the dancing around on this issue is hilarious. Your wife either is sexual and wants it or doesn't. So many women married some mousy nerd just because their friends were getting married or because they wanted to have kids before they got too old, or both. Once they get the ring and the kids, they have zero interest in sex. The charade about housework or romance or whatever is because they can't admit to their spouse or themselves that there was never any real interest.

My wife and I have a great sex life that has nothing to do with housework or romance. I'm no Prince Charming. I'm tall and rich -- that's about all I have going for me. But my wife loves sex and always has. But then, neither of us are
mousy nerds who had to settle.

How old are you both? Is your wife hot?

Mid/late 40s, and yes

[Anonymous]

Definitely cutting the booze has helped. Also just taking a few extra minutes for the little things - staying shaved, ditching the granny panties, recognizing not every day is PIV day...I also keep lube stocked and handy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very good advice.

It might be obvious, but, generally, the more you’re intimate, the more you’ll want it.

I have a stronger drive that my wife, are intimate 1-2 per month. Given kids and work, 1 once a week is a realistic goal. However, my wife generally does it out of obligation, rushes it, and vanilla (unless kids are away). My goal it more meaningful. Any recommendations? I tell her it want to make it about her. Naturally low drive (even before premenopausal), uncomfortable with trying spice it up, doesn’t share preferences when asked, etc. Also, has never “O” —including solo. She assumes her body isn’t wired to.

Stop telling her that you want to make it about her. Having sex when you don’t want to is like eating when you aren’t hungry. If you just had a big meal and someone offers you food, you aren’t going to want it.

But okay, imagine that your wife just ate and your 8 year old comes over to your wife and is like “I made these cookies for you!” Your wife is probably going to take one, right? Not because she is suddenly hungry or because she really wants a cookie but because she loves your 8 year old.
It doesn’t matter what kind of cookie it is.

It’s the same thing with sex. Your wife is having sex with you because she loves you and she knows it’s important to you. Not because she is hungry. Pressuring her to tell you what kind of cookies she wants when she isn’t hungry isn’t going to make her excited to eat them. It’s going to make her irritated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After becoming a mostly dead bedroom, DH and I committed to trying to improve things and have actually made a dramatic turnaround in our sex life over the past six months or so.

We went from probably 2x / month to 3x / week. Feel more connected than ever. Here’s what actually worked.

-Committed to daily walks no matter what. 8k to 10k steps. Great way to maintain the connection
-One small overnight weekend trip every few months. Small, easy trips. Time in a hotel with your partner always helps
-Completely opened things up in terms of communicating about what things we most enjoyed sexually. No shame, no embarrassment, complete openness and honesty. Added a few things as a result of this
-Cut out alcohol. Amazing for libido
-Spent some $ on freshening up our wardrobes. If you look good, you feel good

Probably a few others, but these are the main ones. We’re proof that you can revive a dead bedroom, I promise! Have you ever had similar success?

I can vouch for this. I bought my wife a short satin robe from Victoria's Secret for Christmas (maybe it was for me?) and it's a complete turn on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very good advice.

It might be obvious, but, generally, the more you’re intimate, the more you’ll want it.

I have a stronger drive that my wife, are intimate 1-2 per month. Given kids and work, 1 once a week is a realistic goal. However, my wife generally does it out of obligation, rushes it, and vanilla (unless kids are away). My goal it more meaningful. Any recommendations? I tell her it want to make it about her. Naturally low drive (even before premenopausal), uncomfortable with trying spice it up, doesn’t share preferences when asked, etc. Also, has never “O” —including solo. She assumes her body isn’t wired to.

Stop telling her that you want to make it about her. Having sex when you don’t want to is like eating when you aren’t hungry. If you just had a big meal and someone offers you food, you aren’t going to want it.

But okay, imagine that your wife just ate and your 8 year old comes over to your wife and is like “I made these cookies for you!” Your wife is probably going to take one, right? Not because she is suddenly hungry or because she really wants a cookie but because she loves your 8 year old.
It doesn’t matter what kind of cookie it is.

It’s the same thing with sex. Your wife is having sex with you because she loves you and she knows it’s important to you. Not because she is hungry. Pressuring her to tell you what kind of cookies she wants when she isn’t hungry isn’t going to make her excited to eat them. It’s going to make her irritated.

Thanks. I’ve likely irritated. At some point in the future, would be a good way to suggest, with pressuring, to subtly suggest maybe spicing it up?