For women, having a great dad is like winning the lottery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won the real jackpot. I am relatively intelligent with an easygoing and resilient temperament.

My parents were both mentally ill abusive nightmares but they don’t get to decide my destiny. I do. I’ve built a wonderful life starting with a major disadvantage. I don’t really sit around reliving the past or being traumatized by it. But I think the real advantage was something I was born with.

Was the thing you were born with condescension and superiority?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won the real jackpot. I am relatively intelligent with an easygoing and resilient temperament.

My parents were both mentally ill abusive nightmares but they don’t get to decide my destiny. I do. I’ve built a wonderful life starting with a major disadvantage. I don’t really sit around reliving the past or being traumatized by it. But I think the real advantage was something I was born with.

Was the thing you were born with condescension and superiority?

DP here and I didn’t read it that way at all. I too feel thankful that I was born with intelligence and good executive function. It’s hardly a given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won the real jackpot. I am relatively intelligent with an easygoing and resilient temperament.

My parents were both mentally ill abusive nightmares but they don’t get to decide my destiny. I do. I’ve built a wonderful life starting with a major disadvantage. I don’t really sit around reliving the past or being traumatized by it. But I think the real advantage was something I was born with.

Was the thing you were born with condescension and superiority?

DP here and I didn’t read it that way at all. I too feel thankful that I was born with intelligence and good executive function. It’s hardly a given.

Yes, I have a relative like this. Terrible father and dysfunctional mother and grew up on food stamps, but she is the only one of her two sisters to make something of herself. And it’s simply because she is smarter than her sisters, and that showed at an early age.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the OP completely. My dad was mostly absent from my (and my siblings) lives growing up. He would come to pick us up, like once a month, and spend a few hours with us. It wasn't like he was abusive or we didn't know who our dad was, but he really wasn't around or supportive in any way. My mother struggled greatly with being a single parent, and our lives were filled with financial and emotional struggles. He went on with his life and remarried several times, and left us and my mom to basically fend for ourselves. I don't hate my dad, but I'm not sure I can honestly say I love him either. I have a relationship with him where we talk 1-2 times a year and exchange birthday and Christmas cards.

On the other hand, my husband is a wonderful, caring person and is a spectacular father to our daughters. He is present, supportive, and fully engaged in their lives. I often watch them together and get a profound sense of joy knowing that they will never know the ache of wondering if they are loved, or good enough, or fearful of being alone, that I knew as a child. The emotional safety net is huge. They have no clue, but they will absolutely benefit from this gift for the rest of their lives.

FWIW - I spent most of my life choosing the wrong guys until in my 30's I'd had enough, and got a therapist to help me figure it all out. Once I let all those feelings of inadequacy go from trying to earn my dads love, I met my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree. I grew up with an absent father who was an abusive spouse to my mother. But I had so little interaction with him, I don't even really consider him my father. Sperm donor yes.

All I know is that my mom had me at 22 with a 30+ year old who hit her. She left him when I was young. She paid all the bills. She put herself through school. She bought us a home. She did every. single. thing. she could to give me a good life. And she did! The last thing on earth I could imagine is ending up with someone like my dad, after seeing what hell my mom went through.

I love and respect her so much <3 She loves my DH and is so happy that I ended up with someone calm, stable and kind who loves and respects me.

People like this people are the real winners. They never suffered emotionally, and they are not naive.

Sometimes having a great dad can result in a naive woman who will easily fall for a charmer.

[Anonymous]

My dad had the emotional bandwidth of a toaster. When I was 11 I got in trouble for saying he only had two emotions- rage and indifference. Yay for a present father!

[Anonymous]

The influence of a father figure in a child's future is way, way overblown. I find it very misogynist to discount the role of the mother. A certain number of studies were done a generation ago about the importance of father figures in relation with juvenile criminality in poor households, but as usual people generalize some specific findings in specific studies and try to apply it to all sorts of different contexts.

Yes, having good parents help children become better adults. Shocker. But no, I don't think this warrants a whole thesis on the critical role of a decent male in the house so that girls can find good boyfriends and husbands later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The influence of a father figure in a child's future is way, way overblown. I find it very misogynist to discount the role of the mother. A certain number of studies were done a generation ago about the importance of father figures in relation with juvenile criminality in poor households, but as usual people generalize some specific findings in specific studies and try to apply it to all sorts of different contexts.

Yes, having good parents help children become better adults. Shocker. But no, I don't think this warrants a whole thesis on the critical role of a decent male in the house so that girls can find good boyfriends and husbands later in life.

+1

It’s a crapshoot and highly dependent on so many things. A mean or mentally ill parent of any kind can pose challenges. I actually see a LOT of pairings where there is a super nice but somewhat passive dad who gets bullied around by an unhappy or unwell mother. This can cause trouble too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The influence of a father figure in a child's future is way, way overblown. I find it very misogynist to discount the role of the mother. A certain number of studies were done a generation ago about the importance of father figures in relation with juvenile criminality in poor households, but as usual people generalize some specific findings in specific studies and try to apply it to all sorts of different contexts.

Yes, having good parents help children become better adults. Shocker. But no, I don't think this warrants a whole thesis on the critical role of a decent male in the house so that girls can find good boyfriends and husbands later in life.

+1 A whole lot of us had dads that did a really poor job at parenting, leading us to look for men that were completely different.

[Anonymous]

I am divorced. However, I am doing everything I can to be the best role model for my daughter. I hope me being divorced isn't going to have a negative impact on her.

I'll take any advice I can.

I'm not dating currently and don't plan on doing so anytime soon. So I can't show her a healthy relationship.

Her mom is dating though. Hopefully, he is a good guy and if she can see a healthy relationship there I am all for it.

My daughter is extremely smart. I was worried that the divorce would affect her grade but so far she is still maintaining a 100% average in all subjects expect gym. She also loves to dance.

Ill admit I may not be the ideal dad that's caring but I am trying. We play chase and poker together and we went to NYC to watch the nutcracker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. However, I am doing everything I can to be the best role model for my daughter. I hope me being divorced isn't going to have a negative impact on her.

I'll take any advice I can.

I'm not dating currently and don't plan on doing so anytime soon. So I can't show her a healthy relationship.

Her mom is dating though. Hopefully, he is a good guy and if she can see a healthy relationship there I am all for it.

My daughter is extremely smart. I was worried that the divorce would affect her grade but so far she is still maintaining a 100% average in all subjects expect gym. She also loves to dance.

Ill admit I may not be the ideal dad that's caring but I am trying. We play chase and poker together and we went to NYC to watch the nutcracker.

Very few of us are ideal parents. That is not a bar you need to reach. You need to be reliable, present, and have good control over your emotions. You need to be able to provide a decent lifestyle so that all needs are met. You do n it need to be ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not only do you get the benefit of growing up in a home with a present father who you know loves you and demonstrates to you every day how men should great their spouse and kids, but it greatly increases your odds of finding a husband like this, which will lead to a better marriage, easier parenting, and a happier life.

Meanwhile, those of us who have bad or absent dads (or, jackpot, those of us whose dads were absent but also abusive and terrible when around) have to grow up feeling inadequate and unloveable because of our crap dads, then have no idea who to find or attract men who are better. Then even if we find men who are better, we don't know how to deal with it because we have really low self esteem and are suspicious of people who don't immediately recognize that we are bad people unworthy of love. Even if the find good men and actually figure out that we should marry these men, we then will struggle with those negative feelings from our childhoods throughout our lives, making our marriages less smooth and making parenting more challenging.

If you had a great dad, you should understand that you won at life before you were even born. I think it's one of the single best things that can happen to a person. I hope you understand this and have some empathy for those of us who never had this.

I had a terrible MOM and DAD. It has affected me my whole life although my dh is the best so I got lucky there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won the real jackpot. I am relatively intelligent with an easygoing and resilient temperament.

My parents were both mentally ill abusive nightmares but they don’t get to decide my destiny. I do. I’ve built a wonderful life starting with a major disadvantage. I don’t really sit around reliving the past or being traumatized by it. But I think the real advantage was something I was born with.

Was the thing you were born with condescension and superiority?

dp Where do you get that from pp? It is a major disadvantage when you have terrible parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The influence of a father figure in a child's future is way, way overblown. I find it very misogynist to discount the role of the mother. A certain number of studies were done a generation ago about the importance of father figures in relation with juvenile criminality in poor households, but as usual people generalize some specific findings in specific studies and try to apply it to all sorts of different contexts.

Yes, having good parents help children become better adults. Shocker. But no, I don't think this warrants a whole thesis on the critical role of a decent male in the house so that girls can find good boyfriends and husbands later in life.

+1

It’s a crapshoot and highly dependent on so many things. A mean or mentally ill parent of any kind can pose challenges. I actually see a LOT of pairings where there is a super nice but somewhat passive dad who gets bullied around by an unhappy or unwell mother. This can cause trouble too.

PP you replied to. Thanks. And I whole-heartedly agree with another poster who said that she was lucky to have been born with a reasonable amount of intelligence and functionality. I will add to that, emotional intelligence. Gene re-assortment is mysterious, and out of a terrible household can come perfectly decent human beings who create balanced lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree. I grew up with an absent father who was an abusive spouse to my mother. But I had so little interaction with him, I don't even really consider him my father. Sperm donor yes.

All I know is that my mom had me at 22 with a 30+ year old who hit her. She left him when I was young. She paid all the bills. She put herself through school. She bought us a home. She did every. single. thing. she could to give me a good life. And she did! The last thing on earth I could imagine is ending up with someone like my dad, after seeing what hell my mom went through.

I love and respect her so much <3 She loves my DH and is so happy that I ended up with someone calm, stable and kind who loves and respects me.

I think your DH won the jackpot.