For women, having a great dad is like winning the lottery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family was truly middle class and yet my siblings and I have the generational wealth of growing up with great parents

I’m a guy but I see so clearly how my 2 younger sisters took it for granted that any man should treat them with love, generosity, respect and humor. And if he didn’t, then he had no place in their lives.

As a result, they both married the same kind of guys almost 30 years ago, and have now raised daughters with the same expectations of the men in their lives.

I will note that neither my dad nor my brothers-in-law have ever gone in for a second of the “Girl Dad” stuff which seems weirdly gendered to me. Do you really have to call attention to the fact that you think it’s some kind of special achievement to treat a daughter with the same respect and affection you would treat a son?

At any rate, my parents are still thankfully around and there will be 24 of us when my siblings, our spouses, our kids and now even the couple of spouses and kids they have all get together tomorrow for Christmas. I think my father does view himself as “the richest man in town” and we are all beneficiaries of that wealth

This is really lovely, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an awesome Dad growing up love him very much. Never argued with my Mom was loving to her and us. Never had any personal issues, no cheating, no selfishness, it was all about providing for the family and spending all the time he could with family.

Unfortunately, I married what I saw was someone like him but turns out he is the clear opposite and regret it every day. I do my best to have my kids spend time with my parents to see an example of a loving husband and father via my Dad.

And you are fortunate to have a loving father now who can be a source of support for you as you navigate a less than ideal marriage. And your children have a loving grandfather who actually wants to spend time with your kids and who is a good influence and presence in their lives who can mediate somewhat the negatives of their own father.

Seriously, those of you with great dads have NO IDEA what it is like to go without that. You will never understand what it is like to have father who has zero interest in you as a human being, shows no care for your mother, expects you to see e him and meet his emotional needs while offering nothing to you even when you are a small child.

Even after your father is dead, you will get more out of your relationship with him than I get out of my father as he lives. You simply have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced dad. My ex says i was and still am a great dad. I think my ex was a great mom in most ways too. Unfortunately, the interactions between great dads and great moms are not always great. My ex was a pretty bad wife: she was very critical and dismissive and bad at working out disagreements. She was not affectionate at all. I wasn't either after a while. So our kids are growing up with good parents as role models but not with a good relationship role model.

Now I'm dating. Yes, I've noticed that women with bad dads sometimes behave in certain compensating ways. It's a cliche and often true. I also noticed that women with bad moms do pretty much the same thing. Either parent can screw you up or make you feel bad about yourself.
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This is interesting. In many ways, it seems like the standards for being a good or at least not-terrible parent are pretty straightforward and evergreen (give love and attention and calmness, attend to basic needs) whereas it’s less clear what makes a great relationship or partnership, and the standards for this have maybe changed more over time.

Yes, I think it's much easier to be a great parent than a great partner. I think one reason why is that the parent-child relationship seems more obvious to me. As a parent, I brought this child into the world, so I have a responsibility to care for, nurture, teach, and show up for the child. I don't expect much back in return (I get a TON back but I don't expect it) because the child didn't choose the relationship. I'm fine with a lopsided parent-child relationship because it's set up to be that way. Children are born helpless.

Marriage is way more complicated because you are both adults, you are both expected to give something to the relationship and you both expect to get things out of it. Finding the right balance, avoiding long term resentment, finding ways to maintain love well past hose early days of attraction, is much more complex than a parent loving their kid, IMO. Even on my kid's worst day, I don't find it that hard to find love and empathy for her. On my spouse's worst day? It's, uh, much harder. Not impossible, but way harder

This is so true and important to remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adult, I do think women who had fathers who walked out seem to have abandonment issues. They sometimes cling to men and feel deeply insecure.

I also worry that my daddy’s girl daughter is raised as such a princess that I wonder how she will fare in the dating world one day.

Daddy’s girl princess here. I fared extremely well— I never ever tolerated for one microsecond being treated badly, always knew with 100% certainty I was worthy of a wonderful man and didn’t settle. I met my husband in graduate school and my dad had thoughtful advice for how to know whether I should marry him. They get along very well.

What is your concern will happen to your daughter? She might have high standards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only do you get the benefit of growing up in a home with a present father who you know loves you and demonstrates to you every day how men should great their spouse and kids, but it greatly increases your odds of finding a husband like this, which will lead to a better marriage, easier parenting, and a happier life.

Meanwhile, those of us who have bad or absent dads (or, jackpot, those of us whose dads were absent but also abusive and terrible when around) have to grow up feeling inadequate and unloveable because of our crap dads, then have no idea who to find or attract men who are better. Then even if we find men who are better, we don't know how to deal with it because we have really low self esteem and are suspicious of people who don't immediately recognize that we are bad people unworthy of love. Even if the find good men and actually figure out that we should marry these men, we then will struggle with those negative feelings from our childhoods throughout our lives, making our marriages less smooth and making parenting more challenging.

If you had a great dad, you should understand that you won at life before you were even born. I think it's one of the single best things that can happen to a person. I hope you understand this and have some empathy for those of us who never had this.

I can't tell you how true this is for me. I am 43F and recently broke up with my fiancé. My dad passed away when I was 2 months old so never saw him, had step-dad who was a little creepy and ended up marrying someone at the age of 17. Marriage was awful but I had two beautiful girls out of this and they are both in college. Divorced my ex-H at 41 and after several dating, met someone incredible who was smart, educated, devoted, kind and also rich and he treated me and my daughters in one of the best ways. I always felt that I was not good enough for him. He was patient and selfless but this negative feeling kept on lingering that he could find someone better than me easily then why he is with me, what am I bringing to the table, etc. This actually led to a lot of anxiety and control from my side and the relationship didn't work out. I used to micro-manage him and it didn't last long after that. We broke up and I am feeling regret which I would carry for a long time.

This is one of the most honest posts that someone has taken some sort of accountability. Kudos to PP. Job is half done. Are you in therapy to figure out these issues or any chance of getting back together with your ex?

This is very good start from PP. It is still your responsibility and first step is self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

I have an awesome dad and have never married. I'd like to be married, but it just never worked out.

I did have a happy childhood and I'm reasonably free of mental health issues but that doesn't always translate to relationship success.