For women, having a great dad is like winning the lottery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only do you get the benefit of growing up in a home with a present father who you know loves you and demonstrates to you every day how men should great their spouse and kids, but it greatly increases your odds of finding a husband like this, which will lead to a better marriage, easier parenting, and a happier life.

Meanwhile, those of us who have bad or absent dads (or, jackpot, those of us whose dads were absent but also abusive and terrible when around) have to grow up feeling inadequate and unloveable because of our crap dads, then have no idea who to find or attract men who are better. Then even if we find men who are better, we don't know how to deal with it because we have really low self esteem and are suspicious of people who don't immediately recognize that we are bad people unworthy of love. Even if the find good men and actually figure out that we should marry these men, we then will struggle with those negative feelings from our childhoods throughout our lives, making our marriages less smooth and making parenting more challenging.

If you had a great dad, you should understand that you won at life before you were even born. I think it's one of the single best things that can happen to a person. I hope you understand this and have some empathy for those of us who never had this.

I can't tell you how true this is for me. I am 43F and recently broke up with my fiancé. My dad passed away when I was 2 months old so never saw him, had step-dad who was a little creepy and ended up marrying someone at the age of 17. Marriage was awful but I had two beautiful girls out of this and they are both in college. Divorced my ex-H at 41 and after several dating, met someone incredible who was smart, educated, devoted, kind and also rich and he treated me and my daughters in one of the best ways. I always felt that I was not good enough for him. He was patient and selfless but this negative feeling kept on lingering that he could find someone better than me easily then why he is with me, what am I bringing to the table, etc. This actually led to a lot of anxiety and control from my side and the relationship didn't work out. I used to micro-manage him and it didn't last long after that. We broke up and I am feeling regret which I would carry for a long time.

This is one of the most honest posts that someone has taken some sort of accountability. Kudos to PP. Job is half done. Are you in therapy to figure out these issues or any chance of getting back together with your ex?

[Anonymous]

Super creepy take, OP, and full of internalized misogyny to boot. A direct link from father to husband? Gross.

We should talk more about the underappreciated and crucial role of the mother in the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced dad. My ex says i was and still am a great dad. I think my ex was a great mom in most ways too. Unfortunately, the interactions between great dads and great moms are not always great. My ex was a pretty bad wife: she was very critical and dismissive and bad at working out disagreements. She was not affectionate at all. I wasn't either after a while. So our kids are growing up with good parents as role models but not with a good relationship role model.

Now I'm dating. Yes, I've noticed that women with bad dads sometimes behave in certain compensating ways. It's a cliche and often true. I also noticed that women with bad moms do pretty much the same thing. Either parent can screw you up or make you feel bad about yourself.
.

This is interesting. In many ways, it seems like the standards for being a good or at least not-terrible parent are pretty straightforward and evergreen (give love and attention and calmness, attend to basic needs) whereas it’s less clear what makes a great relationship or partnership, and the standards for this have maybe changed more over time.

Yes, I think it's much easier to be a great parent than a great partner. I think one reason why is that the parent-child relationship seems more obvious to me. As a parent, I brought this child into the world, so I have a responsibility to care for, nurture, teach, and show up for the child. I don't expect much back in return (I get a TON back but I don't expect it) because the child didn't choose the relationship. I'm fine with a lopsided parent-child relationship because it's set up to be that way. Children are born helpless.

Marriage is way more complicated because you are both adults, you are both expected to give something to the relationship and you both expect to get things out of it. Finding the right balance, avoiding long term resentment, finding ways to maintain love well past hose early days of attraction, is much more complex than a parent loving their kid, IMO. Even on my kid's worst day, I don't find it that hard to find love and empathy for her. On my spouse's worst day? It's, uh, much harder. Not impossible, but way harder

PP and agree with this follow-up. Also, kids can't fully see into the innermost workings of their parents' marital dynamics or get a full picture of their parents' internal states, so a strong father-child relationship is really not a guaranteed predictor of better choices in dating and marriage (though abusive or distant behavior can absolute eff up attachment styles!).

Seems like most people still have to muddle through messily figuring out adult romantic relationships on their own, one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Super creepy take, OP, and full of internalized misogyny to boot. A direct link from father to husband? Gross.

We should talk more about the underappreciated and crucial role of the mother in the household.

There is nothing creepy about it. if people are affected by their parents and dad in several ways then they can talk about it. Nothing misogny here unless you have a FOMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced dad. My ex says i was and still am a great dad. I think my ex was a great mom in most ways too. Unfortunately, the interactions between great dads and great moms are not always great. My ex was a pretty bad wife: she was very critical and dismissive and bad at working out disagreements. She was not affectionate at all. I wasn't either after a while. So our kids are growing up with good parents as role models but not with a good relationship role model.

Now I'm dating. Yes, I've noticed that women with bad dads sometimes behave in certain compensating ways. It's a cliche and often true. I also noticed that women with bad moms do pretty much the same thing. Either parent can screw you up or make you feel bad about yourself.
.

This is interesting. In many ways, it seems like the standards for being a good or at least not-terrible parent are pretty straightforward and evergreen (give love and attention and calmness, attend to basic needs) whereas it’s less clear what makes a great relationship or partnership, and the standards for this have maybe changed more over time.

Yes, I think it's much easier to be a great parent than a great partner. I think one reason why is that the parent-child relationship seems more obvious to me. As a parent, I brought this child into the world, so I have a responsibility to care for, nurture, teach, and show up for the child. I don't expect much back in return (I get a TON back but I don't expect it) because the child didn't choose the relationship. I'm fine with a lopsided parent-child relationship because it's set up to be that way. Children are born helpless.

Marriage is way more complicated because you are both adults, you are both expected to give something to the relationship and you both expect to get things out of it. Finding the right balance, avoiding long term resentment, finding ways to maintain love well past hose early days of attraction, is much more complex than a parent loving their kid, IMO. Even on my kid's worst day, I don't find it that hard to find love and empathy for her. On my spouse's worst day? It's, uh, much harder. Not impossible, but way harder

PP and agree with this follow-up. Also, kids can't fully see into the innermost workings of their parents' marital dynamics or get a full picture of their parents' internal states, so a strong father-child relationship is really not a guaranteed predictor of better choices in dating and marriage (though abusive or distant behavior can absolute eff up attachment styles!).

Seems like most people still have to muddle through messily figuring out adult romantic relationships on their own, one way or another.

Sure. But people with good childhoods and loving parents 100% have an easier time of it. Even if they wind up alone or divorced, I think having nurturing, supportive parents makes a huge difference.

Basically people who emerge from childhood with decent self esteem and some standards for how they will allow other people to treat them in relationships are better off. Whether that's due to two great parents, or one who figures out how to compensate for the deficiencies of the other, or maybe just some inborn self regard and intelligence. Everyone is different. But having a parent (or parents) abandon you or abuse you is going to make this a lot less likely.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what a great dad means to you. One who is supportive, but also holds daughter/all kids accountable for their behavior?

I grew up with a few coddled daddy's girls and let me tell you, they have very unrealistic expectations of how a partner should treat them. All three of these women expected to be pampered without having to do anything to help the relationship. Not one of them have been able to stay in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a cheater who was in and out of our lives until I was 12. He stuck around that last time, but I had long written him off. I was quick, like a pp, to drop a guy at the first red flag. I have been married for 24 years to a faithful, honest guy who is an excellent father and who we can rely on. There are women who respond to absent or terrible dad by picking terrible partners. There are women who learn, as I did, what to run from.

For me, I’d say that it’s not just knowing what to run from, but also knowing and experiencing what is possible.

[Anonymous]

Wow. It's really surprising how many people in this thread are blaming their Dads for their failures as adults. It's unfortunate to see how these people refuse to take any responsibility. It's not their fault, but rather their Dad's fault. This is just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. It's really surprising how many people in this thread are blaming their Dads for their failures as adults. It's unfortunate to see how these people refuse to take any responsibility. It's not their fault, but rather their Dad's fault. This is just ridiculous.

Bad parenting lives with you forever. I am a successful adult with a good marriage, kids, and career. But I had abusive and neglectful parents and it still impacts me on a daily basis. I don't blame my parents for any of my failures, but that doesn't mean I don't recognize the damage that bad parents cause.

You can take responsibility for your life and still recognize you were parented poorly and that it had consequences for you. The idea that you can abuse or neglect your kids and there will be no negative effects is a weird fantasy. Of course it harms people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Super creepy take, OP, and full of internalized misogyny to boot. A direct link from father to husband? Gross.

We should talk more about the underappreciated and crucial role of the mother in the household.

The mother is the only one who is appreciated in most households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is as good as it gets. He and my mom have always had a loving relationship and that really set the tone for a happy home life. He was incredibly successful but family was always his #1 priority. He certainly never made every sports event but when he was home he was always engaged with us. On weekends he didn’t play golf or disappear for half the day he just was dad. Now he is devoted to his grandchildren and he has been very generous with all of us. He is also a great advisor. On Monday, knowing I was very stressed with my job and kids he took me to lunch and we just talked it all out. It was like a weight off my shoulders knowing he is there if I need him.

This sounds like my Dad in so many ways. We live near him and he knows many of my GFs and many are envious of the relationship we have. He’s retired after having been the CEO of two very well known companies but his job or status was never part of his personality or ego. He’s far more proud of his kids and now grandkids. My husband, whose Dad passed away quite a few years ago, says how lucky he is to have him as his FIL.

[Anonymous]

My dad left when I was very young but I’m thankful I have a brother 15 years older than me who really became a father figure for me. He’s always been there for me, walked me down the aisle at my wedding and we named my first born son after him. He was 21 when our dad left and he just stepped into the role overnight. It took me a number of years before I realized and fully appreciated what he had done.

[Anonymous]

My dad is amazing now but we went through tough times growing up because he was overly critical. Very supportive but critical. I do think it affected my own self-talk until I was around 30 and figured it out and he also did his own work on himself. He also has worked very hard to set us up (me and siblings) financially that will benefit our family for generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. It's really surprising how many people in this thread are blaming their Dads for their failures as adults. It's unfortunate to see how these people refuse to take any responsibility. It's not their fault, but rather their Dad's fault. This is just ridiculous.

Bad parenting lives with you forever. I am a successful adult with a good marriage, kids, and career. But I had abusive and neglectful parents and it still impacts me on a daily basis. I don't blame my parents for any of my failures, but that doesn't mean I don't recognize the damage that bad parents cause.

You can take responsibility for your life and still recognize you were parented poorly and that it had consequences for you. The idea that you can abuse or neglect your kids and there will be no negative effects is a weird fantasy. Of course it harms people.

NP. Really well said. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for some people to understand that you don’t reach adulthood on a blank slate. Also, this is a parenting board and many of us came here because we had struggles and wanted to get it right. If it ultimately didn’t matter, why would so many of try so hard to get it right?

[Anonymous]

It can also be the opposite. My dad was a road map of who not to end up with. My DH is incredible.