DS does not have friends at large state school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What might be missing here is gratitude for his enormous good fortune in life. I say this with sincerity not snark.

What if he found the campus service club (there are probably several) and joined. Get out of the house. Meet community minded kids who will have a broad array of interests. And feel good about putting a small piece of that gaming time toward the greater good. Volunteering among peers is always enjoyable. Think Madison House at UVa. It is also less likely to be a gate keeping club, which is refreshing.

Maybe find out what his campus offers and send him a link? I imagine that a thoughtful, low drama guy would be very welcome.

Thank you, it's a great idea. I'll look into it.

[Anonymous]

I think this is how my son would have wound up if he had not gone to school in state with all his friends from high school except one. He mostly hangs out with his high school friends who also go to his college. I think that's kind of unfortunate, but I guess upon reading this maybe I should be glad because at least he sees some friends in person. They eat at the cafeteria together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a junior at a large state school. He seems happy overall and is getting good grades and works part time. CS major. He lives off campus with three other roommates. They get along well, but mostly just go about their own business. One of his roommates is a grad student. He doesn’t want to change the living arrangement because “everyone is nice and there is no drama.”

He doesn’t really have any friends at school. He spends most of his free time in his room playing video games with his pre-college friends and facetiming his long-distance girlfriend. He doesn’t drink and isn’t into parties. He’s not looking to hook up since he’s in a long-term relationship. He’s also not into sports or going to games. At the same time, he’s not particularly nerdy either, so he doesn’t seem to mix well with that type of crowd.

He does not seem depressed, and he appears content. Still, the thought of him going through college without having a single friend bothers me somehow, even if he seems okay with it.

Did anyone else’s kid have a similar experience? How did they manage?

Mine did Electrical Engineering major.

It bothered me too. It did not bother him.

He is still great friends with his HS buddies 10 years out of college. Has a few new friends from work and or interests in the city he lives in and is marrying his GF this summer. All in all he is fine. I worried alot.

Cell phones and gaming online with friends from home he just didn't find his people at college. One of his sisters didn't either. Yet the rest of my kids had tons of friends from college and to this day still hang with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is how my son would have wound up if he had not gone to school in state with all his friends from high school except one. He mostly hangs out with his high school friends who also go to his college. I think that's kind of unfortunate, but I guess upon reading this maybe I should be glad because at least he sees some friends in person. They eat at the cafeteria together.

Meh. I met a lot of people in college and much of it was a waste. I had a tight knit high school group and only one of my college friends got anywhere near my high school friend group. College was a weird stage of life and I didn't find it particularly life changing. I love being an independent adult, and now have kids who have met many of my high school friends, even those who live across the country. Some people are just different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get why you’re concerned, OP. Does he have any thoughts about why he hasn’t made friends in college? Does he join clubs or do any activities?

He thinks it’s because he doesn’t drink, isn’t into sports, and isn’t looking to hook up. But he also said he’s not really trying that hard since he’s fine with how things are right now.

Then he’s fine. Stop looking for problems.

+1
But drinking, sports, and hooking up are hardly the only way to meet people. My kids attend large state schools and are involved in a variety of activities and clubs. You have to want to meet people. Sounds like OP's son is just fine and likely does have friends even if he doesn't consider them "best" friends.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to take kids where they are. And if they're content and otherwise doing well, so be it. There are far worse problems to have.

The social dynamics of Gen Z are way different than the social dynamics of Gen X when they were in college. I don't get it. Seems sad to me.

But Gen Z has their little online world, whether it's video games or instagram or whatever. They are getting their dopamine hits and connections there, instead of the real world.

I personally think it's pathetic. But what do I know. I can't sync anything and have no idea where my pictures go. Gen Z will regard that as very sad and pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is how my son would have wound up if he had not gone to school in state with all his friends from high school except one. He mostly hangs out with his high school friends who also go to his college. I think that's kind of unfortunate, but I guess upon reading this maybe I should be glad because at least he sees some friends in person. They eat at the cafeteria together.

This is so silly. My kids never see anyone from their high school at their state schools. There are tons of people to be friends with - you meet them as freshmen in your dorm, in classes, in clubs and activities. You'd have to really *want* to hang out with old friends and go out of your way to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m sorry you are getting so many useless replies. That would bother me too. However,
If your kid seems to be doing g on, that’s the important thing.

My mom once told me to parent the kid I have and not the “average kid”. I know it seems obvious but it has been important for me to keep in mind. Is your kid happy and healthy? If so, how the average kid acts is sort of irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

I suggest having him bring the video game system home or just stop playing online if he’s doing so on computer. I speak from experience in that this will make a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. Yes, obviously I don't know. That's what he says. We have pretty open relationship. I know for sure he is constantly facetiming because it's the same way when he comes home. His phone is on all the time. And he plays video games at home with his old friends. So I just assume when he says that's what he does in his free time in college - it's true. I don't think he has a secret social life and not telling me about. That would be very strange.

DS kept his HS gf the first year and half at college, and I told him that would be a mistake. They decided they'd try to actually visit each other at least once per month, sometimes 2x. It was about a 3.5 hour bus ride.

I told him that doing this meant he wasn't going to be plugged into a social scene at school because he would not be around half the time. He also spent a lot of free time facetiming with the gf. I also told him that if they broke up, he wouldn't have a good social circle in place to fill that void.

Everything I said came true. They broke up and, he had a rough 6 months after the breakup in terms of social circle (also had to find new roommates). But, luckily, he found himself a group only because it was through the one social club he managed to hold onto. Prior to the breakup, he wasn't really close to anyone in that social club. If he hadn't had this one social club, I'm pretty sure he would've been depressed. He also managed to find roommates through this social club.

DS is somewhat of an introvert, though they do like to party now. But, it's especially important when in college to have a somewhat close social circle, particularly for boys who are more susceptible to go down the internet alt-right rabbit hole when they spend too much time alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to take kids where they are. And if they're content and otherwise doing well, so be it. There are far worse problems to have.

The social dynamics of Gen Z are way different than the social dynamics of Gen X when they were in college. I don't get it. Seems sad to me.

But Gen Z has their little online world, whether it's video games or instagram or whatever. They are getting their dopamine hits and connections there, instead of the real world.

I personally think it's pathetic. But what do I know. I can't sync anything and have no idea where my pictures go. Gen Z will regard that as very sad and pathetic.

It's not only pathetic, but dangerous and not good for the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. Yes, obviously I don't know. That's what he says. We have pretty open relationship. I know for sure he is constantly facetiming because it's the same way when he comes home. His phone is on all the time. And he plays video games at home with his old friends. So I just assume when he says that's what he does in his free time in college - it's true. I don't think he has a secret social life and not telling me about. That would be very strange.

DS kept his HS gf the first year and half at college, and I told him that would be a mistake. They decided they'd try to actually visit each other at least once per month, sometimes 2x. It was about a 3.5 hour bus ride.

I told him that doing this meant he wasn't going to be plugged into a social scene at school because he would not be around half the time. He also spent a lot of free time facetiming with the gf. I also told him that if they broke up, he wouldn't have a good social circle in place to fill that void.

Everything I said came true. They broke up and, he had a rough 6 months after the breakup in terms of social circle (also had to find new roommates). But, luckily, he found himself a group only because it was through the one social club he managed to hold onto. Prior to the breakup, he wasn't really close to anyone in that social club. If he hadn't had this one social club, I'm pretty sure he would've been depressed. He also managed to find roommates through this social club.

DS is somewhat of an introvert, though they do like to party now. But, it's especially important when in college to have a somewhat close social circle, particularly for boys who are more susceptible to go down the internet alt-right rabbit hole when they spend too much time alone.

THe GF is the differentiator and as long as he continues to date her other friends will be secondary. Either way I think you need to take your son at his word his i say this gently..butt out. He is an adult and does not need his Mom managing his social life.

[Anonymous]

I went to college decades ago, and my god college friends are the ones I made my senior year. I don’t talk to anyone from the years before then. Sounds like he has his people, don’t worry about him.

[Anonymous]

^”good”, not “god”. No idea how that typo happened!

[Anonymous]

This situation always goes south when the relationship breaks up, which it is likely to do. I would be really worried because he will struggle when that happens.