DS does not have friends at large state school

[Anonymous]

DS is a junior at a large state school. He seems happy overall and is getting good grades and works part time. CS major. He lives off campus with three other roommates. They get along well, but mostly just go about their own business. One of his roommates is a grad student. He doesn’t want to change the living arrangement because “everyone is nice and there is no drama.”

He doesn’t really have any friends at school. He spends most of his free time in his room playing video games with his pre-college friends and facetiming his long-distance girlfriend. He doesn’t drink and isn’t into parties. He’s not looking to hook up since he’s in a long-term relationship. He’s also not into sports or going to games. At the same time, he’s not particularly nerdy either, so he doesn’t seem to mix well with that type of crowd.

He does not seem depressed, and he appears content. Still, the thought of him going through college without having a single friend bothers me somehow, even if he seems okay with it.

Did anyone else’s kid have a similar experience? How did they manage?

[Anonymous]

Mom: I wouldn’t be worried. If I had the luxury of not having to work everyday, video gaming is good for me.

[Anonymous]

As long as he’s happy and moving forward with his studies/life I wouldn’t worry too much about it. A lot of people find a tight friend group in college and a lot of people find that in other life stages/settings. We’re sort of conditioned to think that college is supposed to be the “best” time of our lives by every measure- but there nothing wrong if that’s not the case and if your kid isn’t complaining or having regrets.

[Anonymous]

If he's happy with the situation and doing well in school and has friends (even if they don't go to his school), I wouldn't worry too much or get involved. If it works for him, it works for him.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t really have any friends at school. He spends most of his free time in his room playing video games ... facetiming his long-distance girlfriend. He doesn’t drink and isn’t into parties. He’s not looking to hook up since he’s in a long-term relationship. He’s also not into sports or going to games. At the same time, he’s not particularly nerdy either, so he doesn’t seem to mix well with that type of crowd.

OP -- you don't know any of this!

[Anonymous]

You don't know. And you shouldn't think you know

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your replies. Yes, obviously I don't know. That's what he says. We have pretty open relationship. I know for sure he is constantly facetiming because it's the same way when he comes home. His phone is on all the time. And he plays video games at home with his old friends. So I just assume when he says that's what he does in his free time in college - it's true. I don't think he has a secret social life and not telling me about. That would be very strange.

[Anonymous]

You imagining problems doesn't help anything

[Anonymous]

OP I’m sorry you are getting so many useless replies. That would bother me too. However,
If your kid seems to be doing g on, that’s the important thing.

[Anonymous]

I get why you’re concerned, OP. Does he have any thoughts about why he hasn’t made friends in college? Does he join clubs or do any activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m sorry you are getting so many useless replies. That would bother me too. However,
If your kid seems to be doing g on, that’s the important thing.

+ 1 !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get why you’re concerned, OP. Does he have any thoughts about why he hasn’t made friends in college? Does he join clubs or do any activities?

He thinks it’s because he doesn’t drink, isn’t into sports, and isn’t looking to hook up. But he also said he’s not really trying that hard since he’s fine with how things are right now.

[Anonymous]

Well, you can’t make him join things. My kid met friends through clubs/arts groups.

[Anonymous]

What might be missing here is gratitude for his enormous good fortune in life. I say this with sincerity not snark.

What if he found the campus service club (there are probably several) and joined. Get out of the house. Meet community minded kids who will have a broad array of interests. And feel good about putting a small piece of that gaming time toward the greater good. Volunteering among peers is always enjoyable. Think Madison House at UVa. It is also less likely to be a gate keeping club, which is refreshing.

Maybe find out what his campus offers and send him a link? I imagine that a thoughtful, low drama guy would be very welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get why you’re concerned, OP. Does he have any thoughts about why he hasn’t made friends in college? Does he join clubs or do any activities?

He thinks it’s because he doesn’t drink, isn’t into sports, and isn’t looking to hook up. But he also said he’s not really trying that hard since he’s fine with how things are right now.

Then he’s fine. Stop looking for problems.