DS does not have friends at large state school

[Anonymous]

CS major? As long as he is doing internships all the years that he is in college, he is gold. Ask him to join one or two clubs. He will get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to take kids where they are. And if they're content and otherwise doing well, so be it. There are far worse problems to have.

The social dynamics of Gen Z are way different than the social dynamics of Gen X when they were in college. I don't get it. Seems sad to me.

But Gen Z has their little online world, whether it's video games or instagram or whatever. They are getting their dopamine hits and connections there, instead of the real world.

I personally think it's pathetic. But what do I know. I can't sync anything and have no idea where my pictures go. Gen Z will regard that as very sad and pathetic.

It's not only pathetic, but dangerous and not good for the person.

I might agree with pathetic, but how is it dangerous?

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't he join a fraternity? You never hear fraternity men complain about loneliness and friendlessness.

[Anonymous]

his friend is his phone. no room for others. our DS too, alas

[Anonymous]

Having a long-distance GF unfortunately does change things up a bit socially and makes you less connected to your school. But I wouldn't worry if the relationship is healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't he join a fraternity? You never hear fraternity men complain about loneliness and friendlessness.

Ummm … did you miss the part that said he doesn’t drink and isn’t looking to hook up because he has a GF?

I loved my guy friends who were in fraternities! But their living areas were disgusting and daily life involved a lot of drinking. It’s not for everyone.

That said, there are co-ed service fraternities that offer a nice mix of club-like activities and opportunities to meet new people. Could be something for him to look into.

Getting out and doing things is easier when someone else is doing the organizing and you just need to show up.

Though I agree with everyone above who said it’s great that OPs son is not unhappy, I do think it’s worth encouraging him try a club or service fraternity that would get him out of his room a bit more. Being with people IRL is important, even if doesn’t feel necessary in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is how my son would have wound up if he had not gone to school in state with all his friends from high school except one. He mostly hangs out with his high school friends who also go to his college. I think that's kind of unfortunate, but I guess upon reading this maybe I should be glad because at least he sees some friends in person. They eat at the cafeteria together.

This is so silly. My kids never see anyone from their high school at their state schools. There are tons of people to be friends with - you meet them as freshmen in your dorm, in classes, in clubs and activities. You'd have to really *want* to hang out with old friends and go out of your way to do so.

This really depends on the person. I know many people who stayed with their high school friends and enjoyed it. I don’t know why it’s surprising- you literally went to school with the people, already have a like interest if you’re friends, and, oh, I don’t know, are from the same friggin place!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is how my son would have wound up if he had not gone to school in state with all his friends from high school except one. He mostly hangs out with his high school friends who also go to his college. I think that's kind of unfortunate, but I guess upon reading this maybe I should be glad because at least he sees some friends in person. They eat at the cafeteria together.

This is so silly. My kids never see anyone from their high school at their state schools. There are tons of people to be friends with - you meet them as freshmen in your dorm, in classes, in clubs and activities. You'd have to really *want* to hang out with old friends and go out of your way to do so.

This really depends on the person. I know many people who stayed with their high school friends and enjoyed it. I don’t know why it’s surprising- you literally went to school with the people, already have a like interest if you’re friends, and, oh, I don’t know, are from the same friggin place!

+ 1

[Anonymous]

My son had a similar experience. Senior year living in a 1 br, golfing 3x a week, but basically class/study/gaming.

Hated the football game scene but watched football every weekend just hated the big tailgate nightmare. Watch a bunch of girls basketball.

Sure I wished he made more than 1 friend but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Friendships and connections are important to men and they have a much more difficult time with these skills than women. But he has to make his own choices as an adult. If he’s not developing them now, he can work on them later so all is not lost. It will have to be a conscious effort though. He’s on track for depending on his future wife for all social engagements if he doesn’t learn to contribute himself. I only have boys so I get this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a junior at a large state school. He seems happy overall and is getting good grades and works part time. CS major. He lives off campus with three other roommates. They get along well, but mostly just go about their own business. One of his roommates is a grad student. He doesn’t want to change the living arrangement because “everyone is nice and there is no drama.”

He doesn’t really have any friends at school. He spends most of his free time in his room playing video games with his pre-college friends and facetiming his long-distance girlfriend. He doesn’t drink and isn’t into parties. He’s not looking to hook up since he’s in a long-term relationship. He’s also not into sports or going to games. At the same time, he’s not particularly nerdy either, so he doesn’t seem to mix well with that type of crowd.

He does not seem depressed, and he appears content. Still, the thought of him going through college without having a single friend bothers me somehow, even if he seems okay with it.

Did anyone else’s kid have a similar experience? How did they manage?

OP: Your son is spending all of his free time sitting on his butt playing video games with his high school friends or face-timing with his high school girlfriend as a junior in college. Your son has never left high school socially. He's happy. You want him to grow socially, but he is not interested in doing so.

[Anonymous]

He's going to look back in 20 years and regret that he just existed in college instead of embracing the experience. I've noticed that men who join fraternities don't have these regrets. It's true with my cohort, and I see it with my own college kid (a fraternity man) and his old high school buddies when they reconvene at breaks. Get a bunch of old fraternity guys together even 50 years after graduation and it's nonstop reminiscing about parties, tailgates, girls, and various hijinks. Everyone is topping the last guy with a crazier story from the good old days when they were gods on campus and the world was their oyster. Can you imagine your son in 20 or 30 years trying to tell a crazy college story? "Well I had my headset on and I was deep into a wild game of Fortnite with my high school friends..." No thanks. I know he's a junior, but you should still encourage him to rush.

[Anonymous]

I know it has been said before, but he should really try joining a club. Something like robotics, or building a racecar or solar car--something that will not only give him some potential friends, but something for his resume to talk about in interviews.

[Anonymous]

He has a girlfriend and he is happy with the state of his relationship.

He is in a (still) high demand major. He is not clubbing, smoking, doing drugs, drinking, whoring around. He is safe in his room (less chance to be killed by a shooter in USA).

All is good.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting thread for me as both of my boys seem to spend time with their friends mostly through online video games. They even watch movies together on discord.

I would prefer in person interactions but as others have said, as long as they are happy - each person is different on how they socialize and where they find friends.

But I share your concern. I have the same one from time to time...