Settlement during divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not how it works. Cheating has no impact on division of marital assets.

That depends on the jurisdiction. And the circumstances. If you file for at-fault (which is very uncommon) and can prove the infidelity (which is hard to do), it *can* affect the division of assets, although this is not common anymore. But it CAN be done. Virginia is one of these states. I know this, because I had enough evidence (collected by my private investigator) that was shared in discovery and her attorney convinced her to accept what I was offering as a settlement, because she knew I'd win if this went to court.

Also, infidelity can influence an alimony award in several states, including "no-fault" states. Virginia is one of them, and there are several others. It's a state law question. Get a good attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is not how it works. Cheating has no impact on division of marital assets.

It absolutely may have an impact on division of marital assets in Virginia if you can show that the cheating spouse spent marital assets on his/her paramour. It is also a statutory factor for equitable distribution of assets (Factors leading to the divorce, including grounds for divorce) that would allow the judge to distribute the asset not 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not how it works. Cheating has no impact on division of marital assets.

This is asking about settlement, not what’s judge is likely to do (the law).

To answer the OP: it depends entirely on the psychology of the cheater. I am not far enough down this road to speak from personal experience yet but I know of a couple settlements where yes this happened because the cheater wanted to get out quick etc.

The issue many people run into however is that the cheater uses divorce or mediation as simply another form of abuse.

Thankfully, I guess, my cheater felt really guilty. He had cheated when the kids were little and I forgave him. I developed a chronic illness from having our kids. He had another affair (emotional, so he says) and knew he'd already blown his one get out of jail free card. He actually said that to me . . . how it was so sad that he was trapped and could never betray me again. But it was ok the one time? Um OK. I said, duh you are not trapped. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

So he offered me a good settlement. Offered me lifetime alimony, and even agreed to forgo the usual cohabitation clause. Claims he gave me more than half of the assets but that's dependent on his valuing different rental properties and businesses. I just wanted my half and I'm confident it was at least close.

I understand that I am extremely fortunate in how this all turned out. But I also refuse to get too excited about him doing the right thing in this one area when he failed in all the others. Our friends and family are generally good people and are utterly horrified by his actions. He would have been a total pariah if he'd tried to screw me financially too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping to settle out of court and he does have a reputation to lose..

It takes two sane and honest people to divorce without the court. Mine was unreasonable, abusive, passive aggressive and stonewalling. The only way I got divorced was to hire an attorney who requested the mediator she knew who could manage his insane antics do mediation and get the job done during a 6 hr mediation on zoom. At one point early on he had a meltdown and started banging his hands on the table saying he was going to be heard. The mediator essentially yanked him back and told him this isn’t how this works and he stopped.

He got something important to him and I got the same. Later he didn’t follow through on the marital separation agreement and my attorney filed for contempt. Cost me about $50K to gain (what was legally mine) more than $1.2 million in assets. He paid half of what I payed for contempt fees. A huge pain in the ass and I was not going down without a fight.

He cheated, lied abused and other and it boiled down to financials. The court didn’t care that he was mean and maniacal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping to settle out of court and he does have a reputation to lose..

This is the way to go and it's cheaper. Lawyers are expensive. They will drag out the process to maximize their earnings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping to settle out of court and he does have a reputation to lose..

It takes two sane and honest people to divorce without the court. Mine was unreasonable, abusive, passive aggressive and stonewalling. The only way I got divorced was to hire an attorney who requested the mediator she knew who could manage his insane antics do mediation and get the job done during a 6 hr mediation on zoom. At one point early on he had a meltdown and started banging his hands on the table saying he was going to be heard. The mediator essentially yanked him back and told him this isn’t how this works and he stopped.

He got something important to him and I got the same. Later he didn’t follow through on the marital separation agreement and my attorney filed for contempt. Cost me about $50K to gain (what was legally mine) more than $1.2 million in assets. He paid half of what I payed for contempt fees. A huge pain in the ass and I was not going down without a fight.

He cheated, lied abused and other and it boiled down to financials. The court didn’t care that he was mean and maniacal.

Good job! I feel like this should be pinned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not how it works. Cheating has no impact on division of marital assets.

This is asking about settlement, not what’s judge is likely to do (the law).

To answer the OP: it depends entirely on the psychology of the cheater. I am not far enough down this road to speak from personal experience yet but I know of a couple settlements where yes this happened because the cheater wanted to get out quick etc.

The issue many people run into however is that the cheater uses divorce or mediation as simply another form of abuse.

The above hooded is a big part of this. My XH wanted out quickly. He wanted to be rid of me instantly so he could get to his “happily ever after.” He had his lawyer draw up his terms, which we used to establish the rock bottom and negotiated from there. He got what he wanted: to be rid of me without a fight. I got what I wanted: a better settlement.

There’s space between what a judge would likely order and the best case scenario. It pays to stay calm and not combative to not give the other party reason to dig in hard. With some types, it won’t matter because they just want “their day in court.” But if it’s possible, it pays to figure out what might motivate them to give ground. A desire for speed or guilt can help move the needle. It won’t be pie in the sky, but it makes it possible to get a more custom settlement that gets you a bit more of what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not how it works. Cheating has no impact on division of marital assets.

This is asking about settlement, not what’s judge is likely to do (the law).

To answer the OP: it depends entirely on the psychology of the cheater. I am not far enough down this road to speak from personal experience yet but I know of a couple settlements where yes this happened because the cheater wanted to get out quick etc.

The issue many people run into however is that the cheater uses divorce or mediation as simply another form of abuse.

The above hooded is a big part of this. My XH wanted out quickly. He wanted to be rid of me instantly so he could get to his “happily ever after.” He had his lawyer draw up his terms, which we used to establish the rock bottom and negotiated from there. He got what he wanted: to be rid of me without a fight. I got what I wanted: a better settlement.

There’s space between what a judge would likely order and the best case scenario. It pays to stay calm and not combative to not give the other party reason to dig in hard. With some types, it won’t matter because they just want “their day in court.” But if it’s possible, it pays to figure out what might motivate them to give ground. A desire for speed or guilt can help move the needle. It won’t be pie in the sky, but it makes it possible to get a more custom settlement that gets you a bit more of what you want.

*that should have said “above BOLDED.”

[Anonymous]

Yes. He voluntarily gave me more in child support and custody time because I said I wouldn’t tell the kids, his family or his friends who were also professional peers. He saw it as in his interest to give me a settlement I asked for so he could continue to look like a good guy to his friends, coworkers and family.

He also agreed to my demand to move out of the house by the end of the week.

I did have some very good hard evidence of his cheating, so that was helpful.

Whatever the spouses agree to, the court will rubber stamp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Court doesn’t care about cheating. 50/50.

Many states CAN declare is residents officially single when people want to split. Your state judge can grant you a formal "Legal Separation” before you settle your assets.

Other states courts don't grant a legal status of "separation" that makes you single; you're either married or divorced.

Ideally, you live in the state that allows you to be single when your relationship is over.

[Anonymous]

Or call your state representative and ask them to sponsor a bill to amend the law.

[Anonymous]

Haha no. The court/legal system doesn’t really factor infidelity into the mix. If you have minor children you may have a better case for more
Money but as a rule it is about division of assets. Try to mediate if at all possible. I have been dragged into litigation. My ex filed. He wants a girlfriend and a contentious divorce and would rather spend $$ on insane legal fees than reach a settlement. It’s all a colossal waste of money and time.

[Anonymous]

Poster at 12/09/2025 07:50, would you mind sharing who your attorney was? Your situation bears some resemblance to what I think mine is going to be like. I'm sorry for what you went through, but it sounds like your attorney (and mediator) handled it well. Would be very grateful for the name of who you used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not how it works. Cheating has no impact on division of marital assets.

This is asking about settlement, not what’s judge is likely to do (the law).

To answer the OP: it depends entirely on the psychology of the cheater. I am not far enough down this road to speak from personal experience yet but I know of a couple settlements where yes this happened because the cheater wanted to get out quick etc.

The issue many people run into however is that the cheater uses divorce or mediation as simply another form of abuse.

Thankfully, I guess, my cheater felt really guilty. He had cheated when the kids were little and I forgave him. I developed a chronic illness from having our kids. He had another affair (emotional, so he says) and knew he'd already blown his one get out of jail free card. He actually said that to me . . . how it was so sad that he was trapped and could never betray me again. But it was ok the one time? Um OK. I said, duh you are not trapped. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

So he offered me a good settlement. Offered me lifetime alimony, and even agreed to forgo the usual cohabitation clause. Claims he gave me more than half of the assets but that's dependent on his valuing different rental properties and businesses. I just wanted my half and I'm confident it was at least close.

I understand that I am extremely fortunate in how this all turned out. But I also refuse to get too excited about him doing the right thing in this one area when he failed in all the others. Our friends and family are generally good people and are utterly horrified by his actions. He would have been a total pariah if he'd tried to screw me financially too.

If you're dealing with someone who

1) Cares about being a total pariah (still has people whose opinions they value), and
2) Doesn't think they can get away with NOT being a pariah while also being as abusive/jerky as possible (those high in narcissistic or antisocial traits will think they can get what they want anyway)

This can probably work.

For those who feel they have nothing to lose? Not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping to settle out of court and he does have a reputation to lose..

Truly NO ONE cares about infidelity anymore. It's not reputation-harming. It's 2025. Fifty years ago? Sure. Today? It's good gossip and that's it. No one wears a scarlet A anymore.