Are blended families healthy?
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Anonymous
Definitely less healthy, on average, than intact families. That doesn't mean intact families are super healthy, it just means that blended families tend to be less healthy. That doesn't mean there aren't some examples of blended families that are healthy and great for everyone involved. I'm sure there are. People are pretty adaptable. Also "blended family" covers a broad range of families that might include divorced parents, widows/widowers, and people who were single-parents-by-choice or whose co-parent was never a spouse or in the picture. The blended families I know that are the product of two divorced parents are pretty dysfunctional, not least because everyone experiences "the family" very differently. For the parents, the blended family is their main/only family experience. For the kids, they all have another family elsewhere with whom they spend half their time. And it's not even the same other family. What this means is that you have a bunch of people living in a house together, who are having wildly different life experiences because most half or more of the people aren't even there half the time and have separate parent-child, grandparent-grandchild, and maybe even sibling relationships that are not even part of the blended family. Add on any dysfunction/resentment/acrimony between the parents and their exes, especially over parenting issues or money, and it's just a recipe for a lot of issues that an intact family doesn't have. |
Anonymous
| I think if "healthy" you mean everyone's sort of okay with it or at least concealing what they think, then that does happen. But I think true health is rare. |
Anonymous
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This was my suspicion. I live with my two teens and he has a 9 yo. We've been together over a year and I know it may be on his mind to ask me to move in. My gut tells me to just keep it as is until they head to college. We both have homes about 20 min from each other, his is just larger, so in his mind it makes sense. But I think for kids it's enough change having shifted houses from the divorce (schools/activities/friends all stayed the same).
The personal experiences are really helpful to hear-- if anyone works where they see the impact of "wishful thinking," I would love to hear. |
Anonymous
| Don’t move your teens to a place that won’t feel like home to them. It sounds like they’ve had enough change already. Just date and keep your own residences |
Anonymous
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No, I do not think so.
The vast majority of people are not capable of loving a step child as they would their own child. I think part of an ideal family for a child is the security of knowing that the adults in your home love you and are invested in your happiness and future. Even with a well-intentioned step parent, I just don't think a child has that same security of love. The fact that the bio parent has decided to prioritize the new marriage (because ultimately that is what it comes down to: you know that it isn't best for your child, but you reason that you are going to do it anyway because you are the parent and you "deserve to be happy"). So, my unpopular opinion is that it is selfish to remarry when you have under-18 kids in the house. |
Anonymous
| I don't have a blended family, my husband had no children and I had one. He's been in my child's life since my kid was 6 and they love each other. However, now teenager is a PITA to me much less step Dad. It's very very hard on step Dad. From my experience alone I would never blend a family past age 6 or so or at least a few years to bond before having teenagers. |
Anonymous
I saw the impact when I worked as a school counselor. If there's a lot of custody shuffle, especially if the schedule is complicated or changes a lot, the kids are going to struggle to manage their schoolwork and activities around it. Especially if they're the kind of kid who already has a hard time academically or with organization. It's like they have a tab running in the background that takes up a lot of their processing speed. Sometimes the kids just distance themselves from one parent or the other. This can happen if they aren't getting along with the parent, or with anyone else in the household, or it can happen because there are new babies or too many kids total and the household isn't able to support their needs. Or it's too far away from school and they don't like the commute. Sometimes it's the opposite the kids become really angry and sort of fight for attention or resources by acting out or coping in bad ways (i.e. marijuana, alcohol, bad friend group that is supportive, etc.) Sometimes a stepparent just isn't a good parent. Or the bio dad is not able to handle or afford two families (especially as he grows older). The new wife, especially if she's young and wants more kids, is going to fight for time and resources for herself and her kids. The older set of kids is left to fend for themselves. New young stepmothers tend to be very unrealistic about how to parent teens and what is typical behavior. They are a lot less patient once they have their own kids and are more busy and tired. And if there's an age gap they may really resent that their husband isn't having the first-time parent experienced with them and that their kids are functionally #3 and #4 or whatever. Some people end up reluctant step-parents because they couldn't lock down a childless person, and it's hard for them. The wishful thinking stops the parents from intervening because they don't want to acknowledge what's happening, or they see what's happening but they don't want to acknowledge that their divorce and/or remarriage is the cause of the problems. So they blame the kid, blame the ex, blame the friends, whatever. Or sometimes they totally do see that it's because of the divorce and remarriage, and may even regret their choices, but they don't feel like another divorce is a good choice (often they have good reason for that), and so everyone's just kinda stuck. The consequences of wishful thinking are hard for everyone, and lifelong. |
Anonymous
Ah, I see you’ve met my family |
Anonymous
Wait till they have gone to college |
Anonymous
| I think they can be but it's more difficult because they dynamics are complicated, and it takes two very dedicated, very emotionally mature parents to pull it off. |
Anonymous
Also, you may not want to parent his 9 yr old when your kids are already teens. |
Anonymous
This! You'll be helping him parent for way longer than he'll be helping you parent. It's a scam! |
Anonymous
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Another way wishful thinking can bite people is financial wishful thinking. Thinking you can afford more kids than you actually can, not understanding how expensive teenagers can be, not understanding child support rules in your state (like what modifications are possible), not understanding that an "ours" baby might be pretty expensive.
Wishful thinking means telling yourself you're modeling a happy marriage when in fact you're modeling another crappy marriage. Thinking that because the kids get along in small doses, or pretend to, that they'll be fine living together. It's just not the same thing at all. It's wishful thinking to thing step-parenting ends at 18 or 21 or college graduation. Go into this with an understanding that when adult children have life events, any sort of serious problem, or make a big mistake somehow, they first place they'll turn is their bio parents. And they'll want their bio parents to participate in their life events and eventually be engaged in grandparenting. It doesn't stop. |
Anonymous
Oh you wish. Families of all types can be healthy or not healthy but blended families are much more likely to have issues and you know this. You may have a heathy blended family, but most don't. That said, I know two that are healthy. And many that are not. |
Anonymous
| DCUM hates blended families and divorces in general. They’d rather be miserable together. |