Are blended families healthy?

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen it work, but generally I’ve seen more examples that don’t work.

Where it’s worked, you have very mature blended parents AND mature ex’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM hates blended families and divorces in general. They’d rather be miserable together.

It's okay to hate people hurting children.

I'm guessing that your general misery and hate are hurting your children WAY more than my blended family ever would.

[Anonymous]

It’s really awful for college aged kids who need financial aid. The step parents salary and assets are factored in even though the step parents will usually not pay a dime. Step parents also often object to signing any parent student loans. But hey as long as the remarried adults are happy, that’s all that counts right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not more or less than other families, OP

While I agree with you that nuclear families are not necessarily healthy by virtue of not being blended, I think it's a bit ridiculous of you to think that a blended family and a nuclear family are on even footing when it comes to being healthy. I think there absolutely are healthy blended families, but I also think it may take more work to get there.

[Anonymous]

A good blended family is not as good as a good intact family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good blended family is not as good as a good intact family

I wouldn't put it this way. What I'd say is the odds of having a stable, connected family unit are higher with an intact family.

Another thing I've seen happen is that kids of divorce sometimes really suck it up and power through the divorce. They seem fine and everyone is really impressed by how well they are "handling" the divorce. But when the dust settles, they start to have issues -- or really, their issues with the divorce (and the often negative family life that precipitated the divorce) start to emerge. But if you've already met and married someone new when this happens, you are really making it maximally hard on the kids who are trying to be strong for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good blended family is not as good as a good intact family

A good blended family is miles better than a bad intact family. No one goes from a good intact family to a blended family of any sort. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not more or less than other families, OP

While I agree with you that nuclear families are not necessarily healthy by virtue of not being blended, I think it's a bit ridiculous of you to think that a blended family and a nuclear family are on even footing when it comes to being healthy. I think there absolutely are healthy blended families, but I also think it may take more work to get there.

I agree. Blended families can succeed, but they require significantly more work. Everyone needs to be committed to a common goal. Ex-spouses need to be sane, maintain appropriate boundaries, and avoid creating conflict. There also needs to be enough financial resources so no one feels shortchanged. Ideally, both spouses come in on relatively equal footing—both financially and in terms of how many kids they're bringing into the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not more or less than other families, OP

While I agree with you that nuclear families are not necessarily healthy by virtue of not being blended, I think it's a bit ridiculous of you to think that a blended family and a nuclear family are on even footing when it comes to being healthy. I think there absolutely are healthy blended families, but I also think it may take more work to get there.

I agree. Blended families can succeed, but they require significantly more work. Everyone needs to be committed to a common goal. Ex-spouses need to be sane, maintain appropriate boundaries, and avoid creating conflict. There also needs to be enough financial resources so no one feels shortchanged. Ideally, both spouses come in on relatively equal footing—both financially and in terms of how many kids they're bringing into the family.

Yes. But also, the definition of "succeed" tends to be lower. Things like being able to cordially pass a few days at the holidays are "success", when in an intact family that would be the bare minimum not to be considered a failure, and only genuine love, closeness, and caring are "success".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good blended family is not as good as a good intact family

I wouldn't put it this way. What I'd say is the odds of having a stable, connected family unit are higher with an intact family.

Another thing I've seen happen is that kids of divorce sometimes really suck it up and power through the divorce. They seem fine and everyone is really impressed by how well they are "handling" the divorce. But when the dust settles, they start to have issues -- or really, their issues with the divorce (and the often negative family life that precipitated the divorce) start to emerge. But if you've already met and married someone new when this happens, you are really making it maximally hard on the kids who are trying to be strong for you.

100% this.

There's so much social pressure to seem fine and say you're fine and pretend to be fine, otherwise you're a weakling with emotional problems. God forbid anyone's less than 100% "resilient" after the first few months. But the truth is, divorce and stepfamily is a PITA forever and people resent it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good blended family is not as good as a good intact family

I wouldn't put it this way. What I'd say is the odds of having a stable, connected family unit are higher with an intact family.

Another thing I've seen happen is that kids of divorce sometimes really suck it up and power through the divorce. They seem fine and everyone is really impressed by how well they are "handling" the divorce. But when the dust settles, they start to have issues -- or really, their issues with the divorce (and the often negative family life that precipitated the divorce) start to emerge. But if you've already met and married someone new when this happens, you are really making it maximally hard on the kids who are trying to be strong for you.

100% this.

There's so much social pressure to seem fine and say you're fine and pretend to be fine, otherwise you're a weakling with emotional problems. God forbid anyone's less than 100% "resilient" after the first few months. But the truth is, divorce and stepfamily is a PITA forever and people resent it.

Yes to this. Also, depending on the age of kids when the divorce happens, they may simply not realize they are allowed to have feelings about it, that they are allowed to be mad at their parents or unhappy with their living situation. Kids who are 4, 5, 6, 7 are just so used to doing what adults tell them to do and dealing with it. And especially those early elementary kids are often getting daily messages about needing to suck it up and deal with their relatively powerless position. "You get what you get and you don't get upset." Kids are pressured to stop crying when they are sad or disappointed, by both peers and authority figures. The overwhelming message is that if you want to be a "big kid" you should have fewer emotions, or at least learn not to express them.

I think teens actually deal with divorce better than kids this age because assuming they're developing some emotional separation from parents and gaining independence on a developmentally appropriate level, a teen is much more likely to feel like they can just tell you "this sucks, and I'm mad at you for making it this way." That might sound worse from the parents' perspective but it's actually way healthier, because if your kid is going to have to deal with divorce, they should be allowed to feel all the feels about it and express their opinion. A 16 yr old is much more likely to be able to do this than a 6 year old, and thus probably a bit less likely to be traumatized by the divorce. Or at least better able to deal with the trauma of the divorce.

So many people deal with really upsetting events in their families at young ages but are told "you're okay" and just feel intense pressure to pretend that's true. These are the people who wind up in therapy at 25 and 35 and 45, struggling with people pleasing and feeling like they don't really know themselves, because they've been trained from a young age to betray themselves on behalf of other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good blended family is not as good as a good intact family

I wouldn't put it this way. What I'd say is the odds of having a stable, connected family unit are higher with an intact family.

Another thing I've seen happen is that kids of divorce sometimes really suck it up and power through the divorce. They seem fine and everyone is really impressed by how well they are "handling" the divorce. But when the dust settles, they start to have issues -- or really, their issues with the divorce (and the often negative family life that precipitated the divorce) start to emerge. But if you've already met and married someone new when this happens, you are really making it maximally hard on the kids who are trying to be strong for you.

100% this.

There's so much social pressure to seem fine and say you're fine and pretend to be fine, otherwise you're a weakling with emotional problems. God forbid anyone's less than 100% "resilient" after the first few months. But the truth is, divorce and stepfamily is a PITA forever and people resent it.

Yes to this. Also, depending on the age of kids when the divorce happens, they may simply not realize they are allowed to have feelings about it, that they are allowed to be mad at their parents or unhappy with their living situation. Kids who are 4, 5, 6, 7 are just so used to doing what adults tell them to do and dealing with it. And especially those early elementary kids are often getting daily messages about needing to suck it up and deal with their relatively powerless position. "You get what you get and you don't get upset." Kids are pressured to stop crying when they are sad or disappointed, by both peers and authority figures. The overwhelming message is that if you want to be a "big kid" you should have fewer emotions, or at least learn not to express them.

I think teens actually deal with divorce better than kids this age because assuming they're developing some emotional separation from parents and gaining independence on a developmentally appropriate level, a teen is much more likely to feel like they can just tell you "this sucks, and I'm mad at you for making it this way." That might sound worse from the parents' perspective but it's actually way healthier, because if your kid is going to have to deal with divorce, they should be allowed to feel all the feels about it and express their opinion. A 16 yr old is much more likely to be able to do this than a 6 year old, and thus probably a bit less likely to be traumatized by the divorce. Or at least better able to deal with the trauma of the divorce.

So many people deal with really upsetting events in their families at young ages but are told "you're okay" and just feel intense pressure to pretend that's true. These are the people who wind up in therapy at 25 and 35 and 45, struggling with people pleasing and feeling like they don't really know themselves, because they've been trained from a young age to betray themselves on behalf of other people.

This is me. The “we’re ok!” Kool-aid was poured down our throat and we really weren’t given any other options. Cue me having kids and when they reached the age I was when my Dad left for his AP I was like wtaf. Who just walks away from a kid at this age? I’m pretty furious with my Dad in mid-life now, and he’s like “the past is the past!”. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good blended family is not as good as a good intact family

I wouldn't put it this way. What I'd say is the odds of having a stable, connected family unit are higher with an intact family.

Another thing I've seen happen is that kids of divorce sometimes really suck it up and power through the divorce. They seem fine and everyone is really impressed by how well they are "handling" the divorce. But when the dust settles, they start to have issues -- or really, their issues with the divorce (and the often negative family life that precipitated the divorce) start to emerge. But if you've already met and married someone new when this happens, you are really making it maximally hard on the kids who are trying to be strong for you.

100% this.

There's so much social pressure to seem fine and say you're fine and pretend to be fine, otherwise you're a weakling with emotional problems. God forbid anyone's less than 100% "resilient" after the first few months. But the truth is, divorce and stepfamily is a PITA forever and people resent it.

Yes to this. Also, depending on the age of kids when the divorce happens, they may simply not realize they are allowed to have feelings about it, that they are allowed to be mad at their parents or unhappy with their living situation. Kids who are 4, 5, 6, 7 are just so used to doing what adults tell them to do and dealing with it. And especially those early elementary kids are often getting daily messages about needing to suck it up and deal with their relatively powerless position. "You get what you get and you don't get upset." Kids are pressured to stop crying when they are sad or disappointed, by both peers and authority figures. The overwhelming message is that if you want to be a "big kid" you should have fewer emotions, or at least learn not to express them.

I think teens actually deal with divorce better than kids this age because assuming they're developing some emotional separation from parents and gaining independence on a developmentally appropriate level, a teen is much more likely to feel like they can just tell you "this sucks, and I'm mad at you for making it this way." That might sound worse from the parents' perspective but it's actually way healthier, because if your kid is going to have to deal with divorce, they should be allowed to feel all the feels about it and express their opinion. A 16 yr old is much more likely to be able to do this than a 6 year old, and thus probably a bit less likely to be traumatized by the divorce. Or at least better able to deal with the trauma of the divorce.

So many people deal with really upsetting events in their families at young ages but are told "you're okay" and just feel intense pressure to pretend that's true. These are the people who wind up in therapy at 25 and 35 and 45, struggling with people pleasing and feeling like they don't really know themselves, because they've been trained from a young age to betray themselves on behalf of other people.

This is me. The “we’re ok!” Kool-aid was poured down our throat and we really weren’t given any other options. Cue me having kids and when they reached the age I was when my Dad left for his AP I was like wtaf. Who just walks away from a kid at this age? I’m pretty furious with my Dad in mid-life now, and he’s like “the past is the past!”. Ugh.

Totally. My parents think it's in the past and they have gone on their merry way with their new partners. But I'm still coordinating every holiday schedule and schlepping my kids from house to house in the present. It's not in the past for me.

[Anonymous]

The ones I know have so much drama, especially when the kids are similar ages.