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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This was my suspicion. I live with my two teens and he has a 9 yo. We've been together over a year and I know it may be on his mind to ask me to move in. My gut tells me to just keep it as is until they head to college. We both have homes about 20 min from each other, his is just larger, so in his mind it makes sense. But I think for kids it's enough change having shifted houses from the divorce (schools/activities/friends all stayed the same).

The personal experiences are really helpful to hear-- if anyone works where they see the impact of "wishful thinking," I would love to hear. [/quote]

I saw the impact when I worked as a school counselor. If there's a lot of custody shuffle, especially if the schedule is complicated or changes a lot, the kids are going to struggle to manage their schoolwork and activities around it. Especially if they're the kind of kid who already has a hard time academically or with organization. It's like they have a tab running in the background that takes up a lot of their processing speed.

Sometimes the kids just distance themselves from one parent or the other. This can happen if they aren't getting along with the parent, or with anyone else in the household, or it can happen because there are new babies or too many kids total and the household isn't able to support their needs. Or it's too far away from school and they don't like the commute.

Sometimes it's the opposite the kids become really angry and sort of fight for attention or resources by acting out or coping in bad ways (i.e. marijuana, alcohol, bad friend group that is supportive, etc.)

Sometimes a stepparent just isn't a good parent. Or the bio dad is not able to handle or afford two families (especially as he grows older). The new wife, especially if she's young and wants more kids, is going to fight for time and resources for herself and her kids. The older set of kids is left to fend for themselves. New young stepmothers tend to be very unrealistic about how to parent teens and what is typical behavior. They are a lot less patient once they have their own kids and are more busy and tired. And if there's an age gap they may really resent that their husband isn't having the first-time parent experienced with them and that their kids are functionally #3 and #4 or whatever. Some people end up reluctant step-parents because they couldn't lock down a childless person, and it's hard for them.

The wishful thinking stops the parents from intervening because they don't want to acknowledge what's happening, or they see what's happening but they don't want to acknowledge that their divorce and/or remarriage is the cause of the problems. So they blame the kid, blame the ex, blame the friends, whatever. Or sometimes they totally do see that it's because of the divorce and remarriage, and may even regret their choices, but they don't feel like another divorce is a good choice (often they have good reason for that), and so everyone's just kinda stuck. The consequences of wishful thinking are hard for everyone, and lifelong.[/quote]

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