Are blended families healthy?

[Anonymous]

The same delusional selfish people who break up a marriage for an affair or feeling unfulfilled are the same ones who believe that blended families are just hunky dorey and that the kids are happy. Nope- most kids don’t like it, but these parents ignore or don’t give their kids an opportunity to share their true voice

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A good blended family is not as good as a good intact family

I wouldn't put it this way. What I'd say is the odds of having a stable, connected family unit are higher with an intact family.

Another thing I've seen happen is that kids of divorce sometimes really suck it up and power through the divorce. They seem fine and everyone is really impressed by how well they are "handling" the divorce. But when the dust settles, they start to have issues -- or really, their issues with the divorce (and the often negative family life that precipitated the divorce) start to emerge. But if you've already met and married someone new when this happens, you are really making it maximally hard on the kids who are trying to be strong for you.

100% this.

There's so much social pressure to seem fine and say you're fine and pretend to be fine, otherwise you're a weakling with emotional problems. God forbid anyone's less than 100% "resilient" after the first few months. But the truth is, divorce and stepfamily is a PITA forever and people resent it.

Yes to this. Also, depending on the age of kids when the divorce happens, they may simply not realize they are allowed to have feelings about it, that they are allowed to be mad at their parents or unhappy with their living situation. Kids who are 4, 5, 6, 7 are just so used to doing what adults tell them to do and dealing with it. And especially those early elementary kids are often getting daily messages about needing to suck it up and deal with their relatively powerless position. "You get what you get and you don't get upset." Kids are pressured to stop crying when they are sad or disappointed, by both peers and authority figures. The overwhelming message is that if you want to be a "big kid" you should have fewer emotions, or at least learn not to express them.

I think teens actually deal with divorce better than kids this age because assuming they're developing some emotional separation from parents and gaining independence on a developmentally appropriate level, a teen is much more likely to feel like they can just tell you "this sucks, and I'm mad at you for making it this way." That might sound worse from the parents' perspective but it's actually way healthier, because if your kid is going to have to deal with divorce, they should be allowed to feel all the feels about it and express their opinion. A 16 yr old is much more likely to be able to do this than a 6 year old, and thus probably a bit less likely to be traumatized by the divorce. Or at least better able to deal with the trauma of the divorce.

So many people deal with really upsetting events in their families at young ages but are told "you're okay" and just feel intense pressure to pretend that's true. These are the people who wind up in therapy at 25 and 35 and 45, struggling with people pleasing and feeling like they don't really know themselves, because they've been trained from a young age to betray themselves on behalf of other people.

This is me. The “we’re ok!” Kool-aid was poured down our throat and we really weren’t given any other options. Cue me having kids and when they reached the age I was when my Dad left for his AP I was like wtaf. Who just walks away from a kid at this age? I’m pretty furious with my Dad in mid-life now, and he’s like “the past is the past!”. Ugh.

Totally. My parents think it's in the past and they have gone on their merry way with their new partners. But I'm still coordinating every holiday schedule and schlepping my kids from house to house in the present. It's not in the past for me.

Who is forcing you to do that? You're grown. It's a choice you're making.

This is the kind of thing people say when they're defensive about how their divorce burdens others. The fact that I even have to make this choice at all is a burden regardless of what I choose.

I do it because I feel a moral obligation to my children that they spend time with their grandmother and their grandfather both. The best interests of children, imagine that.

So it's a choice you're making. No one is forcing you to do that. Stop playing the perpetual victim.

PS We all put the best interests of our children first. You're not special.

No, they don’t. The best interests of the children would have been to have a strong marriage, not run off with an AP instead of being a present dad. To give only one example from this thread.

Anyway, no one has really talked about the long term impacts at end of life. I deal with this all the time at work. Blended families almost always have resentments about end of life issues/inheritances/etc and very often end up in court over it. It’s a nightmare even if it does pay my bills.

I’ve seen enough that I would deal with a LOT from a spouse before putting my kids through a divorce. An intact family can end up with issues too of course, but the blended family issues occur more often than not, where intact families it’s a small minority that implode.

Is there an issue if they mostly keep their money separate? Like, if my widowed mom remarries, her new stepkids wouldn't have a claim against her separate estate? The only thing they would blend if they remarry is buying a house together, which is fine.

You just need to have a seperate clear will leaving everything to your kids. Stepkids wouldn't probably get to claim any of mom's as they are not direct relatives but if the house is jointly owned and it doesn't specify what to do with the house, yes. My mom is leaving everything to my sibling. She's always played favorites and far nicer to her boyfriend's family so I wouldn't be surprised if she left them something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my suspicion. I live with my two teens and he has a 9 yo. We've been together over a year and I know it may be on his mind to ask me to move in. My gut tells me to just keep it as is until they head to college. We both have homes about 20 min from each other, his is just larger, so in his mind it makes sense. But I think for kids it's enough change having shifted houses from the divorce (schools/activities/friends all stayed the same).

The personal experiences are really helpful to hear-- if anyone works where they see the impact of "wishful thinking," I would love to hear.

College age kids are none too keen about spending holidays and vacations in a new home with new people. They crave the security and sameness of their old rooms and rituals. Even if you get along well with the nine year old, there will be resentment and unhappiness on both sides. Does he have custody?