Are blended families healthy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM hates blended families and divorces in general. They’d rather be miserable together.

It's okay to hate people hurting children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my suspicion. I live with my two teens and he has a 9 yo. We've been together over a year and I know it may be on his mind to ask me to move in. My gut tells me to just keep it as is until they head to college. We both have homes about 20 min from each other, his is just larger, so in his mind it makes sense. But I think for kids it's enough change having shifted houses from the divorce (schools/activities/friends all stayed the same).

The personal experiences are really helpful to hear-- if anyone works where they see the impact of "wishful thinking," I would love to hear.

You should definitely wait until your kids are both off to college.

Also, it’s hard to move into someone else’s house. It would probably be better to buy a new house together instead of trying to make space for your kids and yourself in “his” house.

Honestly though, it might be hard to try to integrate households even with a new house. You’ll get used to your peaceful home after your kids go to college and then move in with your boyfriend right when his own son is entering the teen years — generally everyone’s least favorite stage of parenting.

If you’re financially secure and you don’t need your boyfriend’s financial contributions, then you should continue to date and avoid marriage. That’s the fun part anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they can be but it's more difficult because they dynamics are complicated, and it takes two very dedicated, very emotionally mature parents to pull it off.

It may take 4-6 dedicate, emotionally mature parents to pull off, because when you blend two families of divorce, you are creating relationships with both exes as well as their respective significant others in some cases. If even just one or two of those people is very difficult, everyone's life is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM hates blended families and divorces in general. They’d rather be miserable together.

Not really. I have no issue with people divorcing and dating.

When I was a teen my best friend was royally screwed when her mom remarried her junior year of high school. Suddenly, all the financial aid she had been counting on disappeared as soon as the married filing jointly tax return was filed.

Her stepdad wasn’t willing to help, so she paid a massive price for her mom’s rush to get married. I don’t think their relationship ever recovered. (She’s still paying off those student loans)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM hates blended families and divorces in general. They’d rather be miserable together.

Not really. I have no issue with people divorcing and dating.

When I was a teen my best friend was royally screwed when her mom remarried her junior year of high school. Suddenly, all the financial aid she had been counting on disappeared as soon as the married filing jointly tax return was filed.

Her stepdad wasn’t willing to help, so she paid a massive price for her mom’s rush to get married. I don’t think their relationship ever recovered. (She’s still paying off those student loans)

First of all, that’s brutal and such a shortsighted move on the mom’s part.

Im also not totally against divorce- I don’t think anyone should rush into it but there are very valid reasons for divorce.

Creating a “blended family” is its own mess. It’s not necessary and it invites instability and chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM hates blended families and divorces in general. They’d rather be miserable together.

It's okay to hate people hurting children.

Sham, toxic marriages don’t hurt children at all, sure thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was my suspicion. I live with my two teens and he has a 9 yo. We've been together over a year and I know it may be on his mind to ask me to move in. My gut tells me to just keep it as is until they head to college. We both have homes about 20 min from each other, his is just larger, so in his mind it makes sense. But I think for kids it's enough change having shifted houses from the divorce (schools/activities/friends all stayed the same).

The personal experiences are really helpful to hear-- if anyone works where they see the impact of "wishful thinking," I would love to hear.

You should definitely wait until your kids are both off to college.

Also, it’s hard to move into someone else’s house. It would probably be better to buy a new house together instead of trying to make space for your kids and yourself in “his” house.

Honestly though, it might be hard to try to integrate households even with a new house. You’ll get used to your peaceful home after your kids go to college and then move in with your boyfriend right when his own son is entering the teen years — generally everyone’s least favorite stage of parenting.

If you’re financially secure and you don’t need your boyfriend’s financial contributions, then you should continue to date and avoid marriage. That’s the fun part anyways.

+1. OP there is no question if your kids are teens. Wait until they’re in college to move. Also be aware that things are complicated for life. Pace yourself and save your energy for navigating the complexity of having adult children as a blended family.

- adult child of a blended family, didn’t have to live with the other kids, still hate how complex it is and it never ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was my suspicion. I live with my two teens and he has a 9 yo. We've been together over a year and I know it may be on his mind to ask me to move in. My gut tells me to just keep it as is until they head to college. We both have homes about 20 min from each other, his is just larger, so in his mind it makes sense. But I think for kids it's enough change having shifted houses from the divorce (schools/activities/friends all stayed the same).

The personal experiences are really helpful to hear-- if anyone works where they see the impact of "wishful thinking," I would love to hear.

You should definitely wait until your kids are both off to college.

Also, it’s hard to move into someone else’s house. It would probably be better to buy a new house together instead of trying to make space for your kids and yourself in “his” house.

Honestly though, it might be hard to try to integrate households even with a new house. You’ll get used to your peaceful home after your kids go to college and then move in with your boyfriend right when his own son is entering the teen years — generally everyone’s least favorite stage of parenting.

If you’re financially secure and you don’t need your boyfriend’s financial contributions, then you should continue to date and avoid marriage. That’s the fun part anyways.

+1. OP there is no question if your kids are teens. Wait until they’re in college to move. Also be aware that things are complicated for life. Pace yourself and save your energy for navigating the complexity of having adult children as a blended family.

- adult child of a blended family, didn’t have to live with the other kids, still hate how complex it is and it never ends.

This. I don't hate the other kids as people, but I really hate the complexity it adds to everything. It just goes on and on and on. And if they do bring problems into the family, they will be resented by their stepsiblings, and the parents will too.

[Anonymous]

I know one family that seems happy. Both partners had 2 kids from their first marriages. One was amicably divorced, the other was widowed. They had 2 more kids of their own. They’ve been together over 40 years. I’m sure it helps that both sides are really wealthy so there’s no disparities between resources and inheritance for the 3 sets of kids.

[Anonymous]

Can you speak more to those adult level complexities? What might help if partners were amicable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you speak more to those adult level complexities? What might help if partners were amicable?

It does help if they are amicable, but you can't amicable your way out of the logistics. It's a fantasy of divorced people that "amicable" makes it all okay. Things like:

I can't spend a lot of time with both my parents simultaneously, because they don't live near each other. So in order to get a decent amount of time with them, it takes me twice as much of my annual leave plus a travel day to get from one to the other. But I don't get extra annual leave just because my parents are divorced. I can't tell my boss "Oh, but they're so amicable" and get extra days off. So my parents each get less grandchild time. My mom didn't think about this when divorcing but she's unhappy about it now.

There's not enough room at my mom's house for us to visit and her partner's kids to visit at the same time. Not enough beds and also very crowded in the daytime now that there are grandkids. So we have to coordinate schedules. We also have to coordinate our schedule with my dad and his new wife. And her partner's kids have their mom too. So any sort of decision about who's visiting at what time, or when the grandparents travel to see anyone, has to go through multiple households for approval. This isn't the end of the world, but it's a level of hassle I wish I didn't have to go through. I wish things were simple.

At one point my dad's wife's son was doing a failure to launch thing, living with them and secretly drinking. My dad was super unhappy about it, he and his wife and her son had all these yelling fights, he fought with his wife and blamed her parenting, etc. etc. You couldn't be in that house at all without this tension hanging over everything and the kid moping around hung over. It went on for about two years. It was very hard for me to see my dad so unhappy. No amount of "amicable" from my mom would have changed anything. Yes, intact families can have this kind of problem too, but blending families adds more people and gives them more stress to cope with, so it increases the chance of problems. More people, more problems. If it were a bio brother, I would probably have had a more loving relationship and been more patient with it, but since we didn't grow up together at all, he felt like an interloper and a burden and I just wished the whole thing wasn't happening.

Eventually I'll need to find two assisted livings instead of one, and it'll be harder because all of that will have to be coordinated with my sibling and stepsiblings if both are alive and we're trying to keep them together. I'll need to sell two homes instead of just one, again coordinating with sibling and stepsiblings. It's very difficult to make these big decisions with a big group of people who have different cultures and financial circumstances. No matter how amicable my mom is to my dad and vice versa, that doesn't change the complexity here. There's no Amicable Divorce Retirement Home where they hand you two units for the price of one because they're just oh so very amicable.

The worst part is that my mom's partner hasn't made good choices (nor have his adult children) so he can't retire, not ever. So my mom subsidizes him and will have to pick up the tab entirely whenever he becomes unable to work. Leaving me wondering if my mom will run out of money for herself and how that will impact myself and my sibling. This is not at all an inheritance battle-- there isn't going to be an inheritance. It's just me not wanting to have to effectively subsidize my mom's partner and his lifetime of dumb decisions. My mom refuses to discuss this with me and my sibling at all. They have remained unmarried so that he can qualify for Medicaid and food stamps etc. I don't want my mom to be single but I wish she had chosen someone who doesn't bring these problems with him. No matter how "amicable" my dad is, my mom's partner is still a broke, mooching loser. See what I mean? Amicable doesn't fix it.

These examples will no doubt cause people to tell me I need therapy. Because people don't want to face up to what divorce can mean in the long term. I think it's very, very important to be financially and mentally prepared for the difficulties to come. Divorce and "blending" can be very hard in the last years of a person's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And when are they? Blended meaning merged family post divorce-remarriage.

They can be but it takes A LOT of work and sacrifice and self-awareness. Not sure many families can handle it in a healthy way.

That said, my kids get along fabulously with their step siblings - but my exh and his wife got married when wife's kids were already in college so they never have really lived together day to day. That is a different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they can be but it's more difficult because they dynamics are complicated, and it takes two very dedicated, very emotionally mature parents to pull it off.

It may take 4-6 dedicate, emotionally mature parents to pull off, because when you blend two families of divorce, you are creating relationships with both exes as well as their respective significant others in some cases. If even just one or two of those people is very difficult, everyone's life is difficult.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you speak more to those adult level complexities? What might help if partners were amicable?

My parents think they are amicable because they can make polite chit chat in public for 10-15 minutes a few times a year. It's still a giant pain. It has been very hard for them financially as well. But they're amicable! Yaaaay, so amicable!

[Anonymous]

My friend just got married for the 2nd time. She has an only child. He just graduated from high school. The new husband has 3 adult children, one of whom is still trying to launch (in between school and work).

They will have a home where his youngest adult child is living while she gets school and work issues back under control. And the bride's kid will come home on school breaks.

I am optimistic that this will be okay. The only child seems okay with it. His father has a whole complicated thing going on at the other household. That will never be palatable.