What do you do when you don’t like your DC boyfriend/girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By all means, be a toxic manipulator of your own child. Then when she goes No Contact the day she moves out and is financially independent, you'll never have to deal with an SO again.

Or you could love your child and be honest about your concerns for her well-being.

This was so unnecessary and it makes you sound like you haven’t done your homework in therapy.

[Anonymous]

If she's already had three she's quite the little ho. Let this one ride, the next could be even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's already had three she's quite the little ho. Let this one ride, the next could be even worse.

so unnecessary but if it makes you feel better I guess you do you.

OP...say nothing. If she asks if you like them, you can turn the tables and ask if they treat her well and if they enjoy being with them. Ultimately we all hope our kids will choose people with good values who value and treat them well and that's the best we can hope for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child? It matters.

She’s 14, soon to be 15

She's had multiple other significant others at age 14/15?

How fast.

[Anonymous]

She is young enough enough that you control this, mostly. Neither one of them can drive. I wouldn’t say anything, but do monitor her phone and minimize the opportunities they have to get together.

[Anonymous]

What kind of red flags OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is young enough enough that you control this, mostly. Neither one of them can drive. I wouldn’t say anything, but do monitor her phone and minimize the opportunities they have to get together.

Thanks! Her first little “BF” was the summer after 8th grade, and he lives down the street. The second was last year, and he also lived within walking distance. I use the term “boyfriend” loosely. My DD is not a “ho”. This is the first “real” boyfriend, fwiw, and they need transportation, as you mention. I guess you’re right that we have more control over this than I had considered.

The red flags are that he’s a little possessive and I don’t like it. It seems like he’s always checking in and wanting to hang out, and she is abandoning friends to even just talk on the phone with him. It just feels like too much for this age.

[Anonymous]

First boyfriend at 14 is really young and not typical at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First boyfriend at 14 is really young and not typical at all.

She turns 15 on Sunday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First boyfriend at 14 is really young and not typical at all.

Most PS kids are dating by freshmen year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is young enough enough that you control this, mostly. Neither one of them can drive. I wouldn’t say anything, but do monitor her phone and minimize the opportunities they have to get together.

Thanks! Her first little “BF” was the summer after 8th grade, and he lives down the street. The second was last year, and he also lived within walking distance. I use the term “boyfriend” loosely. My DD is not a “ho”. This is the first “real” boyfriend, fwiw, and they need transportation, as you mention. I guess you’re right that we have more control over this than I had considered.

The red flags are that he’s a little possessive and I don’t like it. It seems like he’s always checking in and wanting to hang out, and she is abandoning friends to even just talk on the phone with him. It just feels like too much for this age.

Really important to talk to her, and not manipulate her. My DD is 15 1/2, and we have been having these conversations for a long time. I talk to her from the perspective of a friend who is abandoned the moment a boy enters the picture, and how that would make her feel. She knows that dating in HS is mostly "practice dating" for when she's older and having more serious relationships, that these things will more than likely not last, and it's stupid to mess up existing friendships that will likely outlast all the BF relationships for something fleeting. We have also talked about potential red flags in relationships, so she recognizes them when she comes across them.

[Anonymous]

You can have a conversation about not dropping friends for a dude without criticizing him in the slightest. You can also make her very, very busy and not be available for rides to see this guy much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is young enough enough that you control this, mostly. Neither one of them can drive. I wouldn’t say anything, but do monitor her phone and minimize the opportunities they have to get together.

Thanks! Her first little “BF” was the summer after 8th grade, and he lives down the street. The second was last year, and he also lived within walking distance. I use the term “boyfriend” loosely. My DD is not a “ho”. This is the first “real” boyfriend, fwiw, and they need transportation, as you mention. I guess you’re right that we have more control over this than I had considered.

The red flags are that he’s a little possessive and I don’t like it. It seems like he’s always checking in and wanting to hang out, and she is abandoning friends to even just talk on the phone with him. It just feels like too much for this age.

It is OP way too much for 14.

There is some good advice on this thread. Make her unavailable. Lots of extra family things for a few months. I would also start mome and daughter coffee or smoothie time out of the house. Once a week if possible. It might cost you a few weekends away but worth it. She is way too young for him to be possessive that is a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Is the boy truly possessive or that he thinks that how much he should be engaging with his gf? Has your daughter set the boundaries? It seems that she is abandoning her friends to talk to him which to me suggests she is validating his interaction style. Some kids in their relationships talk a lot, hang out a lot others don’t talk enough to build a meaningful relationship (my teen DD broke up with her long distance BF bc she felt he was not engaging enough). This is a learning opportunity for ur daughter and you can help by guiding her but not bashing the boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At that age, say nothing. It will almost certainly fizzle. I’ve lost track of how many people my teen has shown an interest in. Most last only a few weeks. The longest was a few months. You can try to make it harder for them to spend time together by keeping them busy but if you only run interference in those situations they may suspect what you’re doing. At an older age (college +) it’s more concerning but you still have to be careful not to show your cards.

Honestly, this comment is one of the things wrong with parenting today. No matter how old your child is (14, but also 35), if you see real red flags, why the hell would you not start a conversation with your child about what you notice? There is NO age where actual red flags are something you'd just notice but stay silent about because you think it's sure to fizzle soon.

OP you didn't say what "red flags" you notice, so if your version of red flags are things or behaviors many others see as normal teen behavior and not problematic, that's a different situation. But to hear you say you notice red flags and are concerned and others say "Don't say anything, just make it harder for them to spend time together"... this avoidant, conflict-averse behavior is hugely problematic.

Don't freak out, but do start a conversation with your teen, ask how things are going with the new BF, what they like about him. Ask if there's anything they don't like. And if it doesn't ocme up that way, say "I noticed..... and honestly that concerned me a bit. What are your thoughts on when he does that/is like that?" And truly listen to what they say an dhow they see it. And then see if anything changes or what happens next and take it from there.

But noticing red flags about someone your DD or DS is dating and not saying anything is problematic in and of itself. Unless you see everything as a crisis, that would be different, but the fact that you've been fine with the other 2 or 3 people your child has been interested in sounds like you're not an unnecessary alarmist. Talk to your child.