Blending families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: why the need to get married?

Another widow with college-aged children here and dating divorced man with grown sons. I have zero interest in marrying or co-habiting. The downsides don't outweigh any potential upsides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: why the need to get married?

Another widow with college-aged children here and dating divorced man with grown sons. I have zero interest in marrying or co-habiting. The downsides don't outweigh any potential upsides.

I'm very sorry for your loss. We have not decided 100% on getting married, but he has expressed interest. I'm on the fence. We live together though. I previously dated someone for 2+ years and the relationship ended up fading because we only saw each other on weekends and I lost interest and attraction to him.

[Anonymous]

Im remarried and we each have adult kids. I love my husband dearly but there are times I wish I had married someone without kids. It does get complicated blending families. For example, he helps his kids out a lot with money, which bothers me. One of his kids is coming to live with us for a while because she’s having some mental health issues. I’m supportive but it’s not something I really considered. You think when they get older, they’ll be self sufficient and live on their own. As far the relationship with his daughter, I think that just needs time. There’s not much you can do except be friendly, supportive and kind. Hopefully she comes around. But be careful about blending families. It’s trickier than I anticipated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

Well, I don't think you're going to be willing or able to actually do the things that would make it easier for her. Honestly, stepfamily and stepsiblings are not always a good deal for adult children of divorce. Maybe your marriage will benefit his daughter in the long run, if you take care of him when he's old and you don't divorce. But it might not turn out that way. And there's no way you can credibly promise to do that-- it's basically a promise to stay married outlive him. And if she's still pretty young she might not even be thinking about that as a benefit you bring.

You need to open your eyes here. It's not just that it's hard for her emotionally! You say you are not in competition with her, but you 1000% are, and she knows it. You're proposing to consume a tremendous amount of his time and energy. You'll be wanting him to spend time with your extended family, and to play grandpa to your son's children if there are any. All that cuts into the time he has available for her and her future children. She won't be able to visit her father, ever, without potentially dealing with you and maybe your son and maybe your extended family too. Except when you so benevolently encourage 1:1 time so she gets what little you're willing to give her. And remember, she might not like you and your son as much as she's letting you think. (Wow, you went shopping one time in three years, that does not prove you are besties).

And if you're really not in competition, then you're going to have a prenup so that her potential inheritance stays exactly the same as it is now, right? Because if you don't, then the day you marry, her potential inheritance decreases dramatically-- maybe to zero. If you're really not in competition and she has nothing to lose here, put your money where your mouth is.

Interesting... what makes you think that HE is the one with the $$$?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

Well, I don't think you're going to be willing or able to actually do the things that would make it easier for her. Honestly, stepfamily and stepsiblings are not always a good deal for adult children of divorce. Maybe your marriage will benefit his daughter in the long run, if you take care of him when he's old and you don't divorce. But it might not turn out that way. And there's no way you can credibly promise to do that-- it's basically a promise to stay married outlive him. And if she's still pretty young she might not even be thinking about that as a benefit you bring.

You need to open your eyes here. It's not just that it's hard for her emotionally! You say you are not in competition with her, but you 1000% are, and she knows it. You're proposing to consume a tremendous amount of his time and energy. You'll be wanting him to spend time with your extended family, and to play grandpa to your son's children if there are any. All that cuts into the time he has available for her and her future children. She won't be able to visit her father, ever, without potentially dealing with you and maybe your son and maybe your extended family too. Except when you so benevolently encourage 1:1 time so she gets what little you're willing to give her. And remember, she might not like you and your son as much as she's letting you think. (Wow, you went shopping one time in three years, that does not prove you are besties).

And if you're really not in competition, then you're going to have a prenup so that her potential inheritance stays exactly the same as it is now, right? Because if you don't, then the day you marry, her potential inheritance decreases dramatically-- maybe to zero. If you're really not in competition and she has nothing to lose here, put your money where your mouth is.

Interesting... what makes you think that HE is the one with the $$$?

I'm not assuming that, but I am saying her potential inheritance, whatever it might be, decreases dramatically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im remarried and we each have adult kids. I love my husband dearly but there are times I wish I had married someone without kids. It does get complicated blending families. For example, he helps his kids out a lot with money, which bothers me. One of his kids is coming to live with us for a while because she’s having some mental health issues. I’m supportive but it’s not something I really considered. You think when they get older, they’ll be self sufficient and live on their own. As far the relationship with his daughter, I think that just needs time. There’s not much you can do except be friendly, supportive and kind. Hopefully she comes around. But be careful about blending families. It’s trickier than I anticipated!

Thank you for sharing your experience. I understand and I actually also briefly dated a man without children and it was a disaster. He was very jealous of my son and could not relate to me and my parenting issues at all. I broke up with him after just a few months of dating. I find that I could relate much better to men who also had children. But, I get what you are saying about not knowing what the future holds. But wouldn't this also apply to us? How about divorced fathers who prefer single women without children because it could potentially make their lives less complicted now and down the road?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

Well, I don't think you're going to be willing or able to actually do the things that would make it easier for her. Honestly, stepfamily and stepsiblings are not always a good deal for adult children of divorce. Maybe your marriage will benefit his daughter in the long run, if you take care of him when he's old and you don't divorce. But it might not turn out that way. And there's no way you can credibly promise to do that-- it's basically a promise to stay married outlive him. And if she's still pretty young she might not even be thinking about that as a benefit you bring.

You need to open your eyes here. It's not just that it's hard for her emotionally! You say you are not in competition with her, but you 1000% are, and she knows it. You're proposing to consume a tremendous amount of his time and energy. You'll be wanting him to spend time with your extended family, and to play grandpa to your son's children if there are any. All that cuts into the time he has available for her and her future children. She won't be able to visit her father, ever, without potentially dealing with you and maybe your son and maybe your extended family too. Except when you so benevolently encourage 1:1 time so she gets what little you're willing to give her. And remember, she might not like you and your son as much as she's letting you think. (Wow, you went shopping one time in three years, that does not prove you are besties).

And if you're really not in competition, then you're going to have a prenup so that her potential inheritance stays exactly the same as it is now, right? Because if you don't, then the day you marry, her potential inheritance decreases dramatically-- maybe to zero. If you're really not in competition and she has nothing to lose here, put your money where your mouth is.

Interesting... what makes you think that HE is the one with the $$$?

I'm not assuming that, but I am saying her potential inheritance, whatever it might be, decreases dramatically.

What if I am the one with the assets? What would your advice be?

[Anonymous]

Everyone is adults, neither party needs to parent the other person's adult children. No child support or custody to figure out. As long as he's got college covered, you can figure it out. Adult kids are not owed an inheritance, and you don't have new kids to worry about. In this case I see no reason not to marry.

The law has better protection of assets for married people. You didn't say who owns the current house (unless I missed it), and if you don't marry, and he passes first, you could be out on the street. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im remarried and we each have adult kids. I love my husband dearly but there are times I wish I had married someone without kids. It does get complicated blending families. For example, he helps his kids out a lot with money, which bothers me. One of his kids is coming to live with us for a while because she’s having some mental health issues. I’m supportive but it’s not something I really considered. You think when they get older, they’ll be self sufficient and live on their own. As far the relationship with his daughter, I think that just needs time. There’s not much you can do except be friendly, supportive and kind. Hopefully she comes around. But be careful about blending families. It’s trickier than I anticipated!

Thank you for sharing your experience. I understand and I actually also briefly dated a man without children and it was a disaster. He was very jealous of my son and could not relate to me and my parenting issues at all. I broke up with him after just a few months of dating. I find that I could relate much better to men who also had children. But, I get what you are saying about not knowing what the future holds. But wouldn't this also apply to us? How about divorced fathers who prefer single women without children because it could potentially make their lives less complicted now and down the road?

I think that's a very sensible preference for divorced fathers to have. When both people have children, the "blending" becomes that much more complicated. It's a larger group of people, so it's going to require more compromise and more logistical work. And the chances of having a difficult person in the family are higher the more people you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

Well, I don't think you're going to be willing or able to actually do the things that would make it easier for her. Honestly, stepfamily and stepsiblings are not always a good deal for adult children of divorce. Maybe your marriage will benefit his daughter in the long run, if you take care of him when he's old and you don't divorce. But it might not turn out that way. And there's no way you can credibly promise to do that-- it's basically a promise to stay married outlive him. And if she's still pretty young she might not even be thinking about that as a benefit you bring.

You need to open your eyes here. It's not just that it's hard for her emotionally! You say you are not in competition with her, but you 1000% are, and she knows it. You're proposing to consume a tremendous amount of his time and energy. You'll be wanting him to spend time with your extended family, and to play grandpa to your son's children if there are any. All that cuts into the time he has available for her and her future children. She won't be able to visit her father, ever, without potentially dealing with you and maybe your son and maybe your extended family too. Except when you so benevolently encourage 1:1 time so she gets what little you're willing to give her. And remember, she might not like you and your son as much as she's letting you think. (Wow, you went shopping one time in three years, that does not prove you are besties).

And if you're really not in competition, then you're going to have a prenup so that her potential inheritance stays exactly the same as it is now, right? Because if you don't, then the day you marry, her potential inheritance decreases dramatically-- maybe to zero. If you're really not in competition and she has nothing to lose here, put your money where your mouth is.

Interesting... what makes you think that HE is the one with the $$$?

I'm not assuming that, but I am saying her potential inheritance, whatever it might be, decreases dramatically.

What if I am the one with the assets? What would your advice be?

My advice would be to consult a professional and decide what you think is fair. And then implement that, on purpose, without just letting the chips fall where they may. Don't kid yourself that the adult children aren't thinking about this. If you set things up so that in the event of your death, your DH gets your entire estate, then your DH can remarry and another woman can get it, or he can leave your son out and will it all to his daughters. That's how adult children get disinherited-- it's not necessarily on purpose, it's a failure to plan.

Deciding to marry anyone without assets is a very risky decision and you should have your own, separate, financial advice for it. He'll probably have all kinds of excuses and blame others for why he hasn't got enough savings, but don't be credulous-- really ask yourself if he's good with money and lives within his means. You also need to ask yourself if marrying will mean he is ineligible for Medicaid when he needs assisted living. It might be a better deal to remain unmarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is adults, neither party needs to parent the other person's adult children. No child support or custody to figure out. As long as he's got college covered, you can figure it out. Adult kids are not owed an inheritance, and you don't have new kids to worry about. In this case I see no reason not to marry.

The law has better protection of assets for married people. You didn't say who owns the current house (unless I missed it), and if you don't marry, and he passes first, you could be out on the street. It happens.

I own my home and he has a condo that he rents out. We do not combine finances and we have a joint account that we use for groceries, utilities and other purchases. He no longer pays child support and he pays for his part of their college education. I pay for my child's college tuition. My assets are in a trust and my child is the beneficiary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

Well, I don't think you're going to be willing or able to actually do the things that would make it easier for her. Honestly, stepfamily and stepsiblings are not always a good deal for adult children of divorce. Maybe your marriage will benefit his daughter in the long run, if you take care of him when he's old and you don't divorce. But it might not turn out that way. And there's no way you can credibly promise to do that-- it's basically a promise to stay married outlive him. And if she's still pretty young she might not even be thinking about that as a benefit you bring.

You need to open your eyes here. It's not just that it's hard for her emotionally! You say you are not in competition with her, but you 1000% are, and she knows it. You're proposing to consume a tremendous amount of his time and energy. You'll be wanting him to spend time with your extended family, and to play grandpa to your son's children if there are any. All that cuts into the time he has available for her and her future children. She won't be able to visit her father, ever, without potentially dealing with you and maybe your son and maybe your extended family too. Except when you so benevolently encourage 1:1 time so she gets what little you're willing to give her. And remember, she might not like you and your son as much as she's letting you think. (Wow, you went shopping one time in three years, that does not prove you are besties).

And if you're really not in competition, then you're going to have a prenup so that her potential inheritance stays exactly the same as it is now, right? Because if you don't, then the day you marry, her potential inheritance decreases dramatically-- maybe to zero. If you're really not in competition and she has nothing to lose here, put your money where your mouth is.

Interesting... what makes you think that HE is the one with the $$$?

I'm not assuming that, but I am saying her potential inheritance, whatever it might be, decreases dramatically.

What if I am the one with the assets? What would your advice be?

My advice would be not to remarry and keep seperate households but spend the night with each other whenever you want. What would you get out of remarriage? If you feel very compelled to remarry, I would still keep a separate household in case you end up in a situation where his or your adult kids want to move in with either of you. I would also have a good prenup and estate plan before remarriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is adults, neither party needs to parent the other person's adult children. No child support or custody to figure out. As long as he's got college covered, you can figure it out. Adult kids are not owed an inheritance, and you don't have new kids to worry about. In this case I see no reason not to marry.

The law has better protection of assets for married people. You didn't say who owns the current house (unless I missed it), and if you don't marry, and he passes first, you could be out on the street. It happens.

I own my home and he has a condo that he rents out. We do not combine finances and we have a joint account that we use for groceries, utilities and other purchases. He no longer pays child support and he pays for his part of their college education. I pay for my child's college tuition. My assets are in a trust and my child is the beneficiary.

Right but if you married, state law would kick in and these things would change. Unless you explicitly wrote a prenup that said otherwise.

You also need to ask yourself if you're compatible as far as parenting adult children. What if you move in together and then one of his kids wants to live with you, for example?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

Well, I don't think you're going to be willing or able to actually do the things that would make it easier for her. Honestly, stepfamily and stepsiblings are not always a good deal for adult children of divorce. Maybe your marriage will benefit his daughter in the long run, if you take care of him when he's old and you don't divorce. But it might not turn out that way. And there's no way you can credibly promise to do that-- it's basically a promise to stay married outlive him. And if she's still pretty young she might not even be thinking about that as a benefit you bring.

You need to open your eyes here. It's not just that it's hard for her emotionally! You say you are not in competition with her, but you 1000% are, and she knows it. You're proposing to consume a tremendous amount of his time and energy. You'll be wanting him to spend time with your extended family, and to play grandpa to your son's children if there are any. All that cuts into the time he has available for her and her future children. She won't be able to visit her father, ever, without potentially dealing with you and maybe your son and maybe your extended family too. Except when you so benevolently encourage 1:1 time so she gets what little you're willing to give her. And remember, she might not like you and your son as much as she's letting you think. (Wow, you went shopping one time in three years, that does not prove you are besties).

And if you're really not in competition, then you're going to have a prenup so that her potential inheritance stays exactly the same as it is now, right? Because if you don't, then the day you marry, her potential inheritance decreases dramatically-- maybe to zero. If you're really not in competition and she has nothing to lose here, put your money where your mouth is.

Interesting... what makes you think that HE is the one with the $$$?

I'm not assuming that, but I am saying her potential inheritance, whatever it might be, decreases dramatically.

What if I am the one with the assets? What would your advice be?

My advice would be to consult a professional and decide what you think is fair. And then implement that, on purpose, without just letting the chips fall where they may. Don't kid yourself that the adult children aren't thinking about this. If you set things up so that in the event of your death, your DH gets your entire estate, then your DH can remarry and another woman can get it, or he can leave your son out and will it all to his daughters. That's how adult children get disinherited-- it's not necessarily on purpose, it's a failure to plan.

Deciding to marry anyone without assets is a very risky decision and you should have your own, separate, financial advice for it. He'll probably have all kinds of excuses and blame others for why he hasn't got enough savings, but don't be credulous-- really ask yourself if he's good with money and lives within his means. You also need to ask yourself if marrying will mean he is ineligible for Medicaid when he needs assisted living. It might be a better deal to remain unmarried.

This is a big one. You might end up legally obligated to pay for his end-of-life care as his spouse, and have nothing left after helping him to pay for your own end-of-life care or to pass on to your kids. It's much better to keep things separate at this point in life. Since he's living in your house, at least you get to set the rules and if, over time, he doesn't like them, his only remedy will be to leave. That's better than having to settle up with a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im remarried and we each have adult kids. I love my husband dearly but there are times I wish I had married someone without kids. It does get complicated blending families. For example, he helps his kids out a lot with money, which bothers me. One of his kids is coming to live with us for a while because she’s having some mental health issues. I’m supportive but it’s not something I really considered. You think when they get older, they’ll be self sufficient and live on their own. As far the relationship with his daughter, I think that just needs time. There’s not much you can do except be friendly, supportive and kind. Hopefully she comes around. But be careful about blending families. It’s trickier than I anticipated!

Thank you for sharing your experience. I understand and I actually also briefly dated a man without children and it was a disaster. He was very jealous of my son and could not relate to me and my parenting issues at all. I broke up with him after just a few months of dating. I find that I could relate much better to men who also had children. But, I get what you are saying about not knowing what the future holds. But wouldn't this also apply to us? How about divorced fathers who prefer single women without children because it could potentially make their lives less complicted now and down the road?

I think that's a very sensible preference for divorced fathers to have. When both people have children, the "blending" becomes that much more complicated. It's a larger group of people, so it's going to require more compromise and more logistical work. And the chances of having a difficult person in the family are higher the more people you have.

I am the single childless woman who posted above about dating divorced men with sons because daughters can be harder dynamic.

Yes, it makes it easier. But what it really means is that everything winds up revolving around the parent and the kids and the childless partner constantly bends to fit around their needs. My boyfriend sometimes legitimately uses their needs as a legit reason, but also sometimes uses it as a cover, IMO. Like, HE will want to do something and so he raises the kids (his are young adults now) as the reason when really it's his desire. All the holidays revolve around his family, never around my extended family, because he has kids and I don't. I feel very sidelined. In some ways I feel like the relationship might be more balanced if we both had kids' needs to be considered.

OP, I thought further and I DO have two friends who have positive relationships with their stepdaughters. One of them was totally distraught when her dad remarried when we were in college and she became close to her.