Blending families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do don't marry. Keep living together and keep your finances separate. If possible, keep your own residence too. Rent it out if needed but don't get rid of it.

My BF has an adult daughter who has never warmed up to me. (I came along years after the divorce, FWIW. She was in her mid-teens at the time.)

She is now into her 30s, married and has children of her own. Nothing has changed.

She has never been rude or nasty, she just makes it clear she has no interest in knowing me as a person and does not want a relationship with me.

We have never had a significant conversation about anything. When I ask her questions, I get one word or very brief responses. She has never looked me in the eye and always averts her gaze away from me. This is after almost 20 years.

She has never, not once, asked me anything about my life - my family, job, activities. Nothing. Zero interest.

I thought I did all I could; read all the books, asked family counselors questions, did all the things suggested like made sure her and her dad had one-on-one time and went on vacations together, etc.

I never spoke ill of her mother and in fact, her mother has actually been warmer to me than she has. Her mother remarried within a year of the divorce and the daughter had no problem accepting that man.

With her eventual maturity I hoped things would change. They have not. Years ago I accepted that she does not want a relationship with me whatever her reason and I respect that. I have gone grey rock.

If I see her I am polite but I no longer ask questions or try to warm her up - that ship has sailed and I'm not interested in her either.

Simply said, there are some daughters who will NEVER accept another woman in their father's life. My BF's is one of them. He is embarrassed and broken hearted at the way she dismisses me but he knows he can never confront her or else risk losing the fragile relationship he has with her, and now her kids.

The BEST thing I did was not to marry him. Once I realized how his daughter felt I did not want to be in a position where it came to "her or me" type of issues.

The cold hard truth is that many men WILL pick their daughter (even adults) over any other woman in their life, including their second wife, should conflict arise. They would take a crumb or two from their daughter once in awhile and be lonely the rest of the time, rather than invest in a full life with another woman.

As the girlfriend, even the live-in girlfriend, it was easier than being the wife - where I feel I would have had more a legitimate right to my input on finances, vacation time, etc. I also knew I could pack up and leave anytime and go back to my own home. In some way, I think knowing I had an exit path actually kept me in the relationship longer and made me work at it a bit harder.

All I know OP is if you feel there is reluctance on the part of the daughter, that is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably has deep resentments and no amount of time or life events will cure that.

I recently had lunch with a woman who remarried in her 70s to a man in his 80s. There was a prenup and all inheritance issues were not changed one iota. Yet the man's daughter (in her 60s!!) has not accepted this woman's place as her father's wife.

So it doesn't change with time, with age or with circumstance.

This young woman will never accept you and it will always be a wedge in your relationship you have no way to remedy and no control over.

OP here. I appreciate this so much. I think it might be better for us just to live together or perhaps have a ceremony without getting legally married. From reading here, it seems that this can cause all sorts of issues down the road. My boyfriend spends quite a bit of time with his daughter (special visits, vacations etc.) and I have no problem with this at all. In fact, I also enjoy spending one-on-one time with my own child so this works well for me. I cannot predict what the future holds and how this young lady will feel towards me. I can only be myself and take one day at the time. I'm a good person. I'm generous and likeable and I realize that I cannot control the emotions or feelings of others towards me.

See, here's what you're missing. The world is full of good people. People who are generous and likeable. But that's not enough. Finding someone generous and likeable isn't saying "I want this person to be at all my family events forever, I want to spend time with their adult child, I want them in the most intimate moments of my parents' life, I want them to have a tremendous amount of influence over my parent." That's wayyyy more than finding someone generous and likeable! Not everyone likes everyone enough to support a stepfamily relationship, that's the bottom line here.

Well, that is the downside of divorce, isn't it? There are no more intimate moments of their parents' life because they are divorced. I'm from a divorced family and I remember my father dating and it was hard seeing him affectionate and loving with someone else who was not my mother.

It's not really about that. It's about having my dad's wife, then his next wife, then his next girlfriend, pushed into all of our family moments. In the hospital after babies are born. In wedding photos. At sickbeds and funerals and all that stuff. It's not because I wanted my mom there-- she's actually really hard to deal with and it's easier if she isn't. It's because I'm tired of having new partners constantly pushed into our family. I would rather have just my actual family. It's far more complicated when you've got to treat a strange person as Wife as if she's the mother of the family. It's very weird and awkward.

But the point is, anyway, that OP being generous and likeable isn't enough to cause people to want that kind of intimate family relationship with her. Because I can think of hundreds of people I find generous and likeable, but I don't want that kind of relationship with them.

I understand this and I think that these valid concerns and honestly, I would not like this either. It sounds like your father had multiple relationships after he divorced your Mom and pushing these women in your life during special events is inappropriate. I'm sorry that this happened, but this is not the case with everyone Not every man gets involved with multiple women and many men end up in happy in successful relationships again. I have quite a few co-workers (male and female who are very happy with their new partners after divorces). I'm not interested in a super intimate relationship with my boyfriend's daughter. She has a mother and her mother should be the one by her side during those special events. I have no interest or desire to step into this role. It would be super awkward to be there during the birth of a baby etc. The reality though is that her father has moved on (I'm not his first post-divorce relationship though he only had one other LTR) and she will need to get used to a new person in her father's life whether that is me or another woman. He would most definitely not stay single just to please his daughter. My only request is that we respect each other mutually.

He may not stay single to please his daughter, but he may let her drive women away. How does she disrespect you? Does she come to your house where he's now living (seems unreasonable if there isn't mutual respect), or does he go to her house for visits? You might encourage him to visit her rather than host her at your house if it's a strained relationship. Just as she's not required to welcome you into "her" family, you're not required to welcome her into your home. It's fine to let your DH compartmentalize. His relationship with her can be separate from his relationship with you.

She does not disrespect me at all; we actually have a pretty good relationship and she does not do anything to drive me away. She visits us at our place and all visits are usually fun and pleasant. He also spends lots of alone time with her which is good for both of them. During Spring break, he took a nice vacation with her and her sibling while I took my child on a separate trip. I think this is a nice way of balancing things. It is just that I can tell some sadness in her especially when her father is affectionate with me. I try to keep PDA's from my boyfriend (he loves to be affectionate) at a minimum when she is with us because I can tell that this is difficult for her.

I just wish I didn't have to think about any of this. So many people, how do they feel, what are their preferences, what are their hopes and delusions for how our family should work. Will they be jealous if they feel excluded, will they feel awkward if they're included. How are their marriages, are they fighting, will the new partners actually take care of them or will they have another divorce... My mom, her partner, my dad, his partner, my in-laws who are also divorced and have new partners... it's a lot of people! It's a lot of thinking and planning just to make sure we see each household at least once a year. Some people have normal families where they just don't have to deal with any of this. That's what I really feel like I'm missing out on-- the simplicity of it. I know plenty of people have unhappily married parents, so people will attack me and say it isn't any better. But divorce has opened the door to subsequent unhappy marriages, which is even harder.

[Anonymous]

People really seem to be overreacting and not actually giving you the advice you’re asking for. I think some perspective could be that at some point his daughter will be happy that he found someone to grow old with. As she matures, she will realize the benefit of that for him, and eventually for her. My mom has no one, and it is a huge responsibility for me, for her happiness and her well-being. What a blessing that she can enjoy her dad and not have to worry about taking care of him later in life because he also has you.
I think you can have a conversation with her about how she is feeling and acknowledge that it must be hard and that you don’t ever want to get in the way of her and her dad. Give her full permission to approach you if she ever needs some alone time with her dad, and have her know that you will oblige.
There is no reason for you to not get married because of adult children. They have their own lives and will continue to do so. I’m sure it’s hard to have your dad’s wife in pictures but isn’t it also a blessing?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People really seem to be overreacting and not actually giving you the advice you’re asking for. I think some perspective could be that at some point his daughter will be happy that he found someone to grow old with. As she matures, she will realize the benefit of that for him, and eventually for her. My mom has no one, and it is a huge responsibility for me, for her happiness and her well-being. What a blessing that she can enjoy her dad and not have to worry about taking care of him later in life because he also has you.
I think you can have a conversation with her about how she is feeling and acknowledge that it must be hard and that you don’t ever want to get in the way of her and her dad. Give her full permission to approach you if she ever needs some alone time with her dad, and have her know that you will oblige.
There is no reason for you to not get married because of adult children. They have their own lives and will continue to do so. I’m sure it’s hard to have your dad’s wife in pictures but isn’t it also a blessing?!

Well, no. It may or may not be a blessing depending on how she behaves, how she treats people, and how their marriage goes. So stop with your Pollyanna divorce cheerleading. And it's funny how you think alone time with a parent requires explicit advance permission. I would never ask my dad's wife for that. She doesn't own him.

And you cannot assume that a new partner will be someone to grow old with. It's some bizarre delusion that you think his daughter won't have to care for him. The new wife might die. She might get sick and be too sick to take care of anyone and grow old with anyone. They might divorce again. She might be with him while he's healthy and fun, monopolize his time, make him blow off his grandkids in favor of hers, spend all his money, and then ditch him when he's old and sick. This go very badly. Adult children are definitely still worried about late-in-life care even when their parents have new spouses, because there's no way to predict how it will go and who will die first. Grow up and face reality. It's not as pretty as you're trying to make it seem.

And then there's the question of who cares for the step-parent-- does anyone really want MORE aging parents to take care of? I already have my father and mother and in-laws, I certainly don't want to add to the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do don't marry. Keep living together and keep your finances separate. If possible, keep your own residence too. Rent it out if needed but don't get rid of it.

My BF has an adult daughter who has never warmed up to me. (I came along years after the divorce, FWIW. She was in her mid-teens at the time.)

She is now into her 30s, married and has children of her own. Nothing has changed.

She has never been rude or nasty, she just makes it clear she has no interest in knowing me as a person and does not want a relationship with me.

We have never had a significant conversation about anything. When I ask her questions, I get one word or very brief responses. She has never looked me in the eye and always averts her gaze away from me. This is after almost 20 years.

She has never, not once, asked me anything about my life - my family, job, activities. Nothing. Zero interest.

I thought I did all I could; read all the books, asked family counselors questions, did all the things suggested like made sure her and her dad had one-on-one time and went on vacations together, etc.

I never spoke ill of her mother and in fact, her mother has actually been warmer to me than she has. Her mother remarried within a year of the divorce and the daughter had no problem accepting that man.

With her eventual maturity I hoped things would change. They have not. Years ago I accepted that she does not want a relationship with me whatever her reason and I respect that. I have gone grey rock.

If I see her I am polite but I no longer ask questions or try to warm her up - that ship has sailed and I'm not interested in her either.

Simply said, there are some daughters who will NEVER accept another woman in their father's life. My BF's is one of them. He is embarrassed and broken hearted at the way she dismisses me but he knows he can never confront her or else risk losing the fragile relationship he has with her, and now her kids.

The BEST thing I did was not to marry him. Once I realized how his daughter felt I did not want to be in a position where it came to "her or me" type of issues.

The cold hard truth is that many men WILL pick their daughter (even adults) over any other woman in their life, including their second wife, should conflict arise. They would take a crumb or two from their daughter once in awhile and be lonely the rest of the time, rather than invest in a full life with another woman.

As the girlfriend, even the live-in girlfriend, it was easier than being the wife - where I feel I would have had more a legitimate right to my input on finances, vacation time, etc. I also knew I could pack up and leave anytime and go back to my own home. In some way, I think knowing I had an exit path actually kept me in the relationship longer and made me work at it a bit harder.

All I know OP is if you feel there is reluctance on the part of the daughter, that is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably has deep resentments and no amount of time or life events will cure that.

I recently had lunch with a woman who remarried in her 70s to a man in his 80s. There was a prenup and all inheritance issues were not changed one iota. Yet the man's daughter (in her 60s!!) has not accepted this woman's place as her father's wife.

So it doesn't change with time, with age or with circumstance.

This young woman will never accept you and it will always be a wedge in your relationship you have no way to remedy and no control over.

OP here. I appreciate this so much. I think it might be better for us just to live together or perhaps have a ceremony without getting legally married. From reading here, it seems that this can cause all sorts of issues down the road. My boyfriend spends quite a bit of time with his daughter (special visits, vacations etc.) and I have no problem with this at all. In fact, I also enjoy spending one-on-one time with my own child so this works well for me. I cannot predict what the future holds and how this young lady will feel towards me. I can only be myself and take one day at the time. I'm a good person. I'm generous and likeable and I realize that I cannot control the emotions or feelings of others towards me.

See, here's what you're missing. The world is full of good people. People who are generous and likeable. But that's not enough. Finding someone generous and likeable isn't saying "I want this person to be at all my family events forever, I want to spend time with their adult child, I want them in the most intimate moments of my parents' life, I want them to have a tremendous amount of influence over my parent." That's wayyyy more than finding someone generous and likeable! Not everyone likes everyone enough to support a stepfamily relationship, that's the bottom line here.

Well, that is the downside of divorce, isn't it? There are no more intimate moments of their parents' life because they are divorced. I'm from a divorced family and I remember my father dating and it was hard seeing him affectionate and loving with someone else who was not my mother.

It's not really about that. It's about having my dad's wife, then his next wife, then his next girlfriend, pushed into all of our family moments. In the hospital after babies are born. In wedding photos. At sickbeds and funerals and all that stuff. It's not because I wanted my mom there-- she's actually really hard to deal with and it's easier if she isn't. It's because I'm tired of having new partners constantly pushed into our family. I would rather have just my actual family. It's far more complicated when you've got to treat a strange person as Wife as if she's the mother of the family. It's very weird and awkward.

But the point is, anyway, that OP being generous and likeable isn't enough to cause people to want that kind of intimate family relationship with her. Because I can think of hundreds of people I find generous and likeable, but I don't want that kind of relationship with them.

I understand this and I think that these valid concerns and honestly, I would not like this either. It sounds like your father had multiple relationships after he divorced your Mom and pushing these women in your life during special events is inappropriate. I'm sorry that this happened, but this is not the case with everyone Not every man gets involved with multiple women and many men end up in happy in successful relationships again. I have quite a few co-workers (male and female who are very happy with their new partners after divorces). I'm not interested in a super intimate relationship with my boyfriend's daughter. She has a mother and her mother should be the one by her side during those special events. I have no interest or desire to step into this role. It would be super awkward to be there during the birth of a baby etc. The reality though is that her father has moved on (I'm not his first post-divorce relationship though he only had one other LTR) and she will need to get used to a new person in her father's life whether that is me or another woman. He would most definitely not stay single just to please his daughter. My only request is that we respect each other mutually.

He may not stay single to please his daughter, but he may let her drive women away. How does she disrespect you? Does she come to your house where he's now living (seems unreasonable if there isn't mutual respect), or does he go to her house for visits? You might encourage him to visit her rather than host her at your house if it's a strained relationship. Just as she's not required to welcome you into "her" family, you're not required to welcome her into your home. It's fine to let your DH compartmentalize. His relationship with her can be separate from his relationship with you.

She does not disrespect me at all; we actually have a pretty good relationship and she does not do anything to drive me away. She visits us at our place and all visits are usually fun and pleasant. He also spends lots of alone time with her which is good for both of them. During Spring break, he took a nice vacation with her and her sibling while I took my child on a separate trip. I think this is a nice way of balancing things. It is just that I can tell some sadness in her especially when her father is affectionate with me. I try to keep PDA's from my boyfriend (he loves to be affectionate) at a minimum when she is with us because I can tell that this is difficult for her.

I just wish I didn't have to think about any of this. So many people, how do they feel, what are their preferences, what are their hopes and delusions for how our family should work. Will they be jealous if they feel excluded, will they feel awkward if they're included. How are their marriages, are they fighting, will the new partners actually take care of them or will they have another divorce... My mom, her partner, my dad, his partner, my in-laws who are also divorced and have new partners... it's a lot of people! It's a lot of thinking and planning just to make sure we see each household at least once a year. Some people have normal families where they just don't have to deal with any of this. That's what I really feel like I'm missing out on-- the simplicity of it. I know plenty of people have unhappily married parents, so people will attack me and say it isn't any better. But divorce has opened the door to subsequent unhappy marriages, which is even harder.

Not an attack but I have parents who have been married 50 years and they hate each other. It’s miserable. I still have to do EVERYTHING for both of them because I’m an only child and they won’t ask each other. For example - my mom got surgery and I was running around picking up her meds because she would not ask my dad. They fight openly in front of my kids to the point where I sometimes have to leave. They call me to complain about each other. They should be divorced.
Not attacking you at all, because I don’t envy your situation, just saying that the grass isn’t always greener!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do don't marry. Keep living together and keep your finances separate. If possible, keep your own residence too. Rent it out if needed but don't get rid of it.

My BF has an adult daughter who has never warmed up to me. (I came along years after the divorce, FWIW. She was in her mid-teens at the time.)

She is now into her 30s, married and has children of her own. Nothing has changed.

She has never been rude or nasty, she just makes it clear she has no interest in knowing me as a person and does not want a relationship with me.

We have never had a significant conversation about anything. When I ask her questions, I get one word or very brief responses. She has never looked me in the eye and always averts her gaze away from me. This is after almost 20 years.

She has never, not once, asked me anything about my life - my family, job, activities. Nothing. Zero interest.

I thought I did all I could; read all the books, asked family counselors questions, did all the things suggested like made sure her and her dad had one-on-one time and went on vacations together, etc.

I never spoke ill of her mother and in fact, her mother has actually been warmer to me than she has. Her mother remarried within a year of the divorce and the daughter had no problem accepting that man.

With her eventual maturity I hoped things would change. They have not. Years ago I accepted that she does not want a relationship with me whatever her reason and I respect that. I have gone grey rock.

If I see her I am polite but I no longer ask questions or try to warm her up - that ship has sailed and I'm not interested in her either.

Simply said, there are some daughters who will NEVER accept another woman in their father's life. My BF's is one of them. He is embarrassed and broken hearted at the way she dismisses me but he knows he can never confront her or else risk losing the fragile relationship he has with her, and now her kids.

The BEST thing I did was not to marry him. Once I realized how his daughter felt I did not want to be in a position where it came to "her or me" type of issues.

The cold hard truth is that many men WILL pick their daughter (even adults) over any other woman in their life, including their second wife, should conflict arise. They would take a crumb or two from their daughter once in awhile and be lonely the rest of the time, rather than invest in a full life with another woman.

As the girlfriend, even the live-in girlfriend, it was easier than being the wife - where I feel I would have had more a legitimate right to my input on finances, vacation time, etc. I also knew I could pack up and leave anytime and go back to my own home. In some way, I think knowing I had an exit path actually kept me in the relationship longer and made me work at it a bit harder.

All I know OP is if you feel there is reluctance on the part of the daughter, that is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably has deep resentments and no amount of time or life events will cure that.

I recently had lunch with a woman who remarried in her 70s to a man in his 80s. There was a prenup and all inheritance issues were not changed one iota. Yet the man's daughter (in her 60s!!) has not accepted this woman's place as her father's wife.

So it doesn't change with time, with age or with circumstance.

This young woman will never accept you and it will always be a wedge in your relationship you have no way to remedy and no control over.

OP here. I appreciate this so much. I think it might be better for us just to live together or perhaps have a ceremony without getting legally married. From reading here, it seems that this can cause all sorts of issues down the road. My boyfriend spends quite a bit of time with his daughter (special visits, vacations etc.) and I have no problem with this at all. In fact, I also enjoy spending one-on-one time with my own child so this works well for me. I cannot predict what the future holds and how this young lady will feel towards me. I can only be myself and take one day at the time. I'm a good person. I'm generous and likeable and I realize that I cannot control the emotions or feelings of others towards me.

See, here's what you're missing. The world is full of good people. People who are generous and likeable. But that's not enough. Finding someone generous and likeable isn't saying "I want this person to be at all my family events forever, I want to spend time with their adult child, I want them in the most intimate moments of my parents' life, I want them to have a tremendous amount of influence over my parent." That's wayyyy more than finding someone generous and likeable! Not everyone likes everyone enough to support a stepfamily relationship, that's the bottom line here.

Well, that is the downside of divorce, isn't it? There are no more intimate moments of their parents' life because they are divorced. I'm from a divorced family and I remember my father dating and it was hard seeing him affectionate and loving with someone else who was not my mother.

It's not really about that. It's about having my dad's wife, then his next wife, then his next girlfriend, pushed into all of our family moments. In the hospital after babies are born. In wedding photos. At sickbeds and funerals and all that stuff. It's not because I wanted my mom there-- she's actually really hard to deal with and it's easier if she isn't. It's because I'm tired of having new partners constantly pushed into our family. I would rather have just my actual family. It's far more complicated when you've got to treat a strange person as Wife as if she's the mother of the family. It's very weird and awkward.

But the point is, anyway, that OP being generous and likeable isn't enough to cause people to want that kind of intimate family relationship with her. Because I can think of hundreds of people I find generous and likeable, but I don't want that kind of relationship with them.

I understand this and I think that these valid concerns and honestly, I would not like this either. It sounds like your father had multiple relationships after he divorced your Mom and pushing these women in your life during special events is inappropriate. I'm sorry that this happened, but this is not the case with everyone Not every man gets involved with multiple women and many men end up in happy in successful relationships again. I have quite a few co-workers (male and female who are very happy with their new partners after divorces). I'm not interested in a super intimate relationship with my boyfriend's daughter. She has a mother and her mother should be the one by her side during those special events. I have no interest or desire to step into this role. It would be super awkward to be there during the birth of a baby etc. The reality though is that her father has moved on (I'm not his first post-divorce relationship though he only had one other LTR) and she will need to get used to a new person in her father's life whether that is me or another woman. He would most definitely not stay single just to please his daughter. My only request is that we respect each other mutually.

He may not stay single to please his daughter, but he may let her drive women away. How does she disrespect you? Does she come to your house where he's now living (seems unreasonable if there isn't mutual respect), or does he go to her house for visits? You might encourage him to visit her rather than host her at your house if it's a strained relationship. Just as she's not required to welcome you into "her" family, you're not required to welcome her into your home. It's fine to let your DH compartmentalize. His relationship with her can be separate from his relationship with you.

She does not disrespect me at all; we actually have a pretty good relationship and she does not do anything to drive me away. She visits us at our place and all visits are usually fun and pleasant. He also spends lots of alone time with her which is good for both of them. During Spring break, he took a nice vacation with her and her sibling while I took my child on a separate trip. I think this is a nice way of balancing things. It is just that I can tell some sadness in her especially when her father is affectionate with me. I try to keep PDA's from my boyfriend (he loves to be affectionate) at a minimum when she is with us because I can tell that this is difficult for her.

I just wish I didn't have to think about any of this. So many people, how do they feel, what are their preferences, what are their hopes and delusions for how our family should work. Will they be jealous if they feel excluded, will they feel awkward if they're included. How are their marriages, are they fighting, will the new partners actually take care of them or will they have another divorce... My mom, her partner, my dad, his partner, my in-laws who are also divorced and have new partners... it's a lot of people! It's a lot of thinking and planning just to make sure we see each household at least once a year. Some people have normal families where they just don't have to deal with any of this. That's what I really feel like I'm missing out on-- the simplicity of it. I know plenty of people have unhappily married parents, so people will attack me and say it isn't any better. But divorce has opened the door to subsequent unhappy marriages, which is even harder.

Not an attack but I have parents who have been married 50 years and they hate each other. It’s miserable. I still have to do EVERYTHING for both of them because I’m an only child and they won’t ask each other. For example - my mom got surgery and I was running around picking up her meds because she would not ask my dad. They fight openly in front of my kids to the point where I sometimes have to leave. They call me to complain about each other. They should be divorced.
Not attacking you at all, because I don’t envy your situation, just saying that the grass isn’t always greener!

That is indeed a real bummer for you. Now imagine they divorced and each entered into another unhappy marriages, so you have two households and four adults to deal with. That's what I've got. Would you trade?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really seem to be overreacting and not actually giving you the advice you’re asking for. I think some perspective could be that at some point his daughter will be happy that he found someone to grow old with. As she matures, she will realize the benefit of that for him, and eventually for her. My mom has no one, and it is a huge responsibility for me, for her happiness and her well-being. What a blessing that she can enjoy her dad and not have to worry about taking care of him later in life because he also has you.
I think you can have a conversation with her about how she is feeling and acknowledge that it must be hard and that you don’t ever want to get in the way of her and her dad. Give her full permission to approach you if she ever needs some alone time with her dad, and have her know that you will oblige.
There is no reason for you to not get married because of adult children. They have their own lives and will continue to do so. I’m sure it’s hard to have your dad’s wife in pictures but isn’t it also a blessing?!

Well, no. It may or may not be a blessing depending on how she behaves, how she treats people, and how their marriage goes. So stop with your Pollyanna divorce cheerleading. And it's funny how you think alone time with a parent requires explicit advance permission. I would never ask my dad's wife for that. She doesn't own him.

And you cannot assume that a new partner will be someone to grow old with. It's some bizarre delusion that you think his daughter won't have to care for him. The new wife might die. She might get sick and be too sick to take care of anyone and grow old with anyone. They might divorce again. She might be with him while he's healthy and fun, monopolize his time, make him blow off his grandkids in favor of hers, spend all his money, and then ditch him when he's old and sick. This go very badly. Adult children are definitely still worried about late-in-life care even when their parents have new spouses, because there's no way to predict how it will go and who will die first. Grow up and face reality. It's not as pretty as you're trying to make it seem.

And then there's the question of who cares for the step-parent-- does anyone really want MORE aging parents to take care of? I already have my father and mother and in-laws, I certainly don't want to add to the list.

Well first of all, OP seems super nice and normal so many of those things seem like a non issue.
And second, her son can take care of her. She is not asking his kids to care for her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do don't marry. Keep living together and keep your finances separate. If possible, keep your own residence too. Rent it out if needed but don't get rid of it.

My BF has an adult daughter who has never warmed up to me. (I came along years after the divorce, FWIW. She was in her mid-teens at the time.)

She is now into her 30s, married and has children of her own. Nothing has changed.

She has never been rude or nasty, she just makes it clear she has no interest in knowing me as a person and does not want a relationship with me.

We have never had a significant conversation about anything. When I ask her questions, I get one word or very brief responses. She has never looked me in the eye and always averts her gaze away from me. This is after almost 20 years.

She has never, not once, asked me anything about my life - my family, job, activities. Nothing. Zero interest.

I thought I did all I could; read all the books, asked family counselors questions, did all the things suggested like made sure her and her dad had one-on-one time and went on vacations together, etc.

I never spoke ill of her mother and in fact, her mother has actually been warmer to me than she has. Her mother remarried within a year of the divorce and the daughter had no problem accepting that man.

With her eventual maturity I hoped things would change. They have not. Years ago I accepted that she does not want a relationship with me whatever her reason and I respect that. I have gone grey rock.

If I see her I am polite but I no longer ask questions or try to warm her up - that ship has sailed and I'm not interested in her either.

Simply said, there are some daughters who will NEVER accept another woman in their father's life. My BF's is one of them. He is embarrassed and broken hearted at the way she dismisses me but he knows he can never confront her or else risk losing the fragile relationship he has with her, and now her kids.

The BEST thing I did was not to marry him. Once I realized how his daughter felt I did not want to be in a position where it came to "her or me" type of issues.

The cold hard truth is that many men WILL pick their daughter (even adults) over any other woman in their life, including their second wife, should conflict arise. They would take a crumb or two from their daughter once in awhile and be lonely the rest of the time, rather than invest in a full life with another woman.

As the girlfriend, even the live-in girlfriend, it was easier than being the wife - where I feel I would have had more a legitimate right to my input on finances, vacation time, etc. I also knew I could pack up and leave anytime and go back to my own home. In some way, I think knowing I had an exit path actually kept me in the relationship longer and made me work at it a bit harder.

All I know OP is if you feel there is reluctance on the part of the daughter, that is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably has deep resentments and no amount of time or life events will cure that.

I recently had lunch with a woman who remarried in her 70s to a man in his 80s. There was a prenup and all inheritance issues were not changed one iota. Yet the man's daughter (in her 60s!!) has not accepted this woman's place as her father's wife.

So it doesn't change with time, with age or with circumstance.

This young woman will never accept you and it will always be a wedge in your relationship you have no way to remedy and no control over.

OP here. I appreciate this so much. I think it might be better for us just to live together or perhaps have a ceremony without getting legally married. From reading here, it seems that this can cause all sorts of issues down the road. My boyfriend spends quite a bit of time with his daughter (special visits, vacations etc.) and I have no problem with this at all. In fact, I also enjoy spending one-on-one time with my own child so this works well for me. I cannot predict what the future holds and how this young lady will feel towards me. I can only be myself and take one day at the time. I'm a good person. I'm generous and likeable and I realize that I cannot control the emotions or feelings of others towards me.

See, here's what you're missing. The world is full of good people. People who are generous and likeable. But that's not enough. Finding someone generous and likeable isn't saying "I want this person to be at all my family events forever, I want to spend time with their adult child, I want them in the most intimate moments of my parents' life, I want them to have a tremendous amount of influence over my parent." That's wayyyy more than finding someone generous and likeable! Not everyone likes everyone enough to support a stepfamily relationship, that's the bottom line here.

Well, that is the downside of divorce, isn't it? There are no more intimate moments of their parents' life because they are divorced. I'm from a divorced family and I remember my father dating and it was hard seeing him affectionate and loving with someone else who was not my mother.

It's not really about that. It's about having my dad's wife, then his next wife, then his next girlfriend, pushed into all of our family moments. In the hospital after babies are born. In wedding photos. At sickbeds and funerals and all that stuff. It's not because I wanted my mom there-- she's actually really hard to deal with and it's easier if she isn't. It's because I'm tired of having new partners constantly pushed into our family. I would rather have just my actual family. It's far more complicated when you've got to treat a strange person as Wife as if she's the mother of the family. It's very weird and awkward.

But the point is, anyway, that OP being generous and likeable isn't enough to cause people to want that kind of intimate family relationship with her. Because I can think of hundreds of people I find generous and likeable, but I don't want that kind of relationship with them.

I understand this and I think that these valid concerns and honestly, I would not like this either. It sounds like your father had multiple relationships after he divorced your Mom and pushing these women in your life during special events is inappropriate. I'm sorry that this happened, but this is not the case with everyone Not every man gets involved with multiple women and many men end up in happy in successful relationships again. I have quite a few co-workers (male and female who are very happy with their new partners after divorces). I'm not interested in a super intimate relationship with my boyfriend's daughter. She has a mother and her mother should be the one by her side during those special events. I have no interest or desire to step into this role. It would be super awkward to be there during the birth of a baby etc. The reality though is that her father has moved on (I'm not his first post-divorce relationship though he only had one other LTR) and she will need to get used to a new person in her father's life whether that is me or another woman. He would most definitely not stay single just to please his daughter. My only request is that we respect each other mutually.

He may not stay single to please his daughter, but he may let her drive women away. How does she disrespect you? Does she come to your house where he's now living (seems unreasonable if there isn't mutual respect), or does he go to her house for visits? You might encourage him to visit her rather than host her at your house if it's a strained relationship. Just as she's not required to welcome you into "her" family, you're not required to welcome her into your home. It's fine to let your DH compartmentalize. His relationship with her can be separate from his relationship with you.

She does not disrespect me at all; we actually have a pretty good relationship and she does not do anything to drive me away. She visits us at our place and all visits are usually fun and pleasant. He also spends lots of alone time with her which is good for both of them. During Spring break, he took a nice vacation with her and her sibling while I took my child on a separate trip. I think this is a nice way of balancing things. It is just that I can tell some sadness in her especially when her father is affectionate with me. I try to keep PDA's from my boyfriend (he loves to be affectionate) at a minimum when she is with us because I can tell that this is difficult for her.

I just wish I didn't have to think about any of this. So many people, how do they feel, what are their preferences, what are their hopes and delusions for how our family should work. Will they be jealous if they feel excluded, will they feel awkward if they're included. How are their marriages, are they fighting, will the new partners actually take care of them or will they have another divorce... My mom, her partner, my dad, his partner, my in-laws who are also divorced and have new partners... it's a lot of people! It's a lot of thinking and planning just to make sure we see each household at least once a year. Some people have normal families where they just don't have to deal with any of this. That's what I really feel like I'm missing out on-- the simplicity of it. I know plenty of people have unhappily married parents, so people will attack me and say it isn't any better. But divorce has opened the door to subsequent unhappy marriages, which is even harder.

Not an attack but I have parents who have been married 50 years and they hate each other. It’s miserable. I still have to do EVERYTHING for both of them because I’m an only child and they won’t ask each other. For example - my mom got surgery and I was running around picking up her meds because she would not ask my dad. They fight openly in front of my kids to the point where I sometimes have to leave. They call me to complain about each other. They should be divorced.
Not attacking you at all, because I don’t envy your situation, just saying that the grass isn’t always greener!

That is indeed a real bummer for you. Now imagine they divorced and each entered into another unhappy marriages, so you have two households and four adults to deal with. That's what I've got. Would you trade?

Potentially I would trade because as hard as that would be, there is something about having your mom call and complain about your dad that hits hard. If she were complaining about her husband (not my dad) it would be easier for me to just take her side and listen I her vent.

Also there is a good chance that this will work out better for OP. She is a widow, she has had pain and gotten through it, and seems like a very emotionally intelligent person. She is in love. Marriages do work out a lot of the time too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really seem to be overreacting and not actually giving you the advice you’re asking for. I think some perspective could be that at some point his daughter will be happy that he found someone to grow old with. As she matures, she will realize the benefit of that for him, and eventually for her. My mom has no one, and it is a huge responsibility for me, for her happiness and her well-being. What a blessing that she can enjoy her dad and not have to worry about taking care of him later in life because he also has you.
I think you can have a conversation with her about how she is feeling and acknowledge that it must be hard and that you don’t ever want to get in the way of her and her dad. Give her full permission to approach you if she ever needs some alone time with her dad, and have her know that you will oblige.
There is no reason for you to not get married because of adult children. They have their own lives and will continue to do so. I’m sure it’s hard to have your dad’s wife in pictures but isn’t it also a blessing?!

Well, no. It may or may not be a blessing depending on how she behaves, how she treats people, and how their marriage goes. So stop with your Pollyanna divorce cheerleading. And it's funny how you think alone time with a parent requires explicit advance permission. I would never ask my dad's wife for that. She doesn't own him.

And you cannot assume that a new partner will be someone to grow old with. It's some bizarre delusion that you think his daughter won't have to care for him. The new wife might die. She might get sick and be too sick to take care of anyone and grow old with anyone. They might divorce again. She might be with him while he's healthy and fun, monopolize his time, make him blow off his grandkids in favor of hers, spend all his money, and then ditch him when he's old and sick. This go very badly. Adult children are definitely still worried about late-in-life care even when their parents have new spouses, because there's no way to predict how it will go and who will die first. Grow up and face reality. It's not as pretty as you're trying to make it seem.

And then there's the question of who cares for the step-parent-- does anyone really want MORE aging parents to take care of? I already have my father and mother and in-laws, I certainly don't want to add to the list.

Well first of all, OP seems super nice and normal so many of those things seem like a non issue.
And second, her son can take care of her. She is not asking his kids to care for her!

Super nice and normal so she's guaranteed to outlive her boyfriend? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really seem to be overreacting and not actually giving you the advice you’re asking for. I think some perspective could be that at some point his daughter will be happy that he found someone to grow old with. As she matures, she will realize the benefit of that for him, and eventually for her. My mom has no one, and it is a huge responsibility for me, for her happiness and her well-being. What a blessing that she can enjoy her dad and not have to worry about taking care of him later in life because he also has you.
I think you can have a conversation with her about how she is feeling and acknowledge that it must be hard and that you don’t ever want to get in the way of her and her dad. Give her full permission to approach you if she ever needs some alone time with her dad, and have her know that you will oblige.
There is no reason for you to not get married because of adult children. They have their own lives and will continue to do so. I’m sure it’s hard to have your dad’s wife in pictures but isn’t it also a blessing?!

Well, no. It may or may not be a blessing depending on how she behaves, how she treats people, and how their marriage goes. So stop with your Pollyanna divorce cheerleading. And it's funny how you think alone time with a parent requires explicit advance permission. I would never ask my dad's wife for that. She doesn't own him.

And you cannot assume that a new partner will be someone to grow old with. It's some bizarre delusion that you think his daughter won't have to care for him. The new wife might die. She might get sick and be too sick to take care of anyone and grow old with anyone. They might divorce again. She might be with him while he's healthy and fun, monopolize his time, make him blow off his grandkids in favor of hers, spend all his money, and then ditch him when he's old and sick. This go very badly. Adult children are definitely still worried about late-in-life care even when their parents have new spouses, because there's no way to predict how it will go and who will die first. Grow up and face reality. It's not as pretty as you're trying to make it seem.

And then there's the question of who cares for the step-parent-- does anyone really want MORE aging parents to take care of? I already have my father and mother and in-laws, I certainly don't want to add to the list.

Well first of all, OP seems super nice and normal so many of those things seem like a non issue.
And second, her son can take care of her. She is not asking his kids to care for her!

Super nice and normal so she's guaranteed to outlive her boyfriend? Come on.

You are really catastrophizing things.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do don't marry. Keep living together and keep your finances separate. If possible, keep your own residence too. Rent it out if needed but don't get rid of it.

My BF has an adult daughter who has never warmed up to me. (I came along years after the divorce, FWIW. She was in her mid-teens at the time.)

She is now into her 30s, married and has children of her own. Nothing has changed.

She has never been rude or nasty, she just makes it clear she has no interest in knowing me as a person and does not want a relationship with me.

We have never had a significant conversation about anything. When I ask her questions, I get one word or very brief responses. She has never looked me in the eye and always averts her gaze away from me. This is after almost 20 years.

She has never, not once, asked me anything about my life - my family, job, activities. Nothing. Zero interest.

I thought I did all I could; read all the books, asked family counselors questions, did all the things suggested like made sure her and her dad had one-on-one time and went on vacations together, etc.

I never spoke ill of her mother and in fact, her mother has actually been warmer to me than she has. Her mother remarried within a year of the divorce and the daughter had no problem accepting that man.

With her eventual maturity I hoped things would change. They have not. Years ago I accepted that she does not want a relationship with me whatever her reason and I respect that. I have gone grey rock.

If I see her I am polite but I no longer ask questions or try to warm her up - that ship has sailed and I'm not interested in her either.

Simply said, there are some daughters who will NEVER accept another woman in their father's life. My BF's is one of them. He is embarrassed and broken hearted at the way she dismisses me but he knows he can never confront her or else risk losing the fragile relationship he has with her, and now her kids.

The BEST thing I did was not to marry him. Once I realized how his daughter felt I did not want to be in a position where it came to "her or me" type of issues.

The cold hard truth is that many men WILL pick their daughter (even adults) over any other woman in their life, including their second wife, should conflict arise. They would take a crumb or two from their daughter once in awhile and be lonely the rest of the time, rather than invest in a full life with another woman.

As the girlfriend, even the live-in girlfriend, it was easier than being the wife - where I feel I would have had more a legitimate right to my input on finances, vacation time, etc. I also knew I could pack up and leave anytime and go back to my own home. In some way, I think knowing I had an exit path actually kept me in the relationship longer and made me work at it a bit harder.

All I know OP is if you feel there is reluctance on the part of the daughter, that is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably has deep resentments and no amount of time or life events will cure that.

I recently had lunch with a woman who remarried in her 70s to a man in his 80s. There was a prenup and all inheritance issues were not changed one iota. Yet the man's daughter (in her 60s!!) has not accepted this woman's place as her father's wife.

So it doesn't change with time, with age or with circumstance.

This young woman will never accept you and it will always be a wedge in your relationship you have no way to remedy and no control over.

OP here. I appreciate this so much. I think it might be better for us just to live together or perhaps have a ceremony without getting legally married. From reading here, it seems that this can cause all sorts of issues down the road. My boyfriend spends quite a bit of time with his daughter (special visits, vacations etc.) and I have no problem with this at all. In fact, I also enjoy spending one-on-one time with my own child so this works well for me. I cannot predict what the future holds and how this young lady will feel towards me. I can only be myself and take one day at the time. I'm a good person. I'm generous and likeable and I realize that I cannot control the emotions or feelings of others towards me.

See, here's what you're missing. The world is full of good people. People who are generous and likeable. But that's not enough. Finding someone generous and likeable isn't saying "I want this person to be at all my family events forever, I want to spend time with their adult child, I want them in the most intimate moments of my parents' life, I want them to have a tremendous amount of influence over my parent." That's wayyyy more than finding someone generous and likeable! Not everyone likes everyone enough to support a stepfamily relationship, that's the bottom line here.

Well, that is the downside of divorce, isn't it? There are no more intimate moments of their parents' life because they are divorced. I'm from a divorced family and I remember my father dating and it was hard seeing him affectionate and loving with someone else who was not my mother.

It's not really about that. It's about having my dad's wife, then his next wife, then his next girlfriend, pushed into all of our family moments. In the hospital after babies are born. In wedding photos. At sickbeds and funerals and all that stuff. It's not because I wanted my mom there-- she's actually really hard to deal with and it's easier if she isn't. It's because I'm tired of having new partners constantly pushed into our family. I would rather have just my actual family. It's far more complicated when you've got to treat a strange person as Wife as if she's the mother of the family. It's very weird and awkward.

But the point is, anyway, that OP being generous and likeable isn't enough to cause people to want that kind of intimate family relationship with her. Because I can think of hundreds of people I find generous and likeable, but I don't want that kind of relationship with them.

I understand this and I think that these valid concerns and honestly, I would not like this either. It sounds like your father had multiple relationships after he divorced your Mom and pushing these women in your life during special events is inappropriate. I'm sorry that this happened, but this is not the case with everyone Not every man gets involved with multiple women and many men end up in happy in successful relationships again. I have quite a few co-workers (male and female who are very happy with their new partners after divorces). I'm not interested in a super intimate relationship with my boyfriend's daughter. She has a mother and her mother should be the one by her side during those special events. I have no interest or desire to step into this role. It would be super awkward to be there during the birth of a baby etc. The reality though is that her father has moved on (I'm not his first post-divorce relationship though he only had one other LTR) and she will need to get used to a new person in her father's life whether that is me or another woman. He would most definitely not stay single just to please his daughter. My only request is that we respect each other mutually.

He may not stay single to please his daughter, but he may let her drive women away. How does she disrespect you? Does she come to your house where he's now living (seems unreasonable if there isn't mutual respect), or does he go to her house for visits? You might encourage him to visit her rather than host her at your house if it's a strained relationship. Just as she's not required to welcome you into "her" family, you're not required to welcome her into your home. It's fine to let your DH compartmentalize. His relationship with her can be separate from his relationship with you.

She does not disrespect me at all; we actually have a pretty good relationship and she does not do anything to drive me away. She visits us at our place and all visits are usually fun and pleasant. He also spends lots of alone time with her which is good for both of them. During Spring break, he took a nice vacation with her and her sibling while I took my child on a separate trip. I think this is a nice way of balancing things. It is just that I can tell some sadness in her especially when her father is affectionate with me. I try to keep PDA's from my boyfriend (he loves to be affectionate) at a minimum when she is with us because I can tell that this is difficult for her.

I just wish I didn't have to think about any of this. So many people, how do they feel, what are their preferences, what are their hopes and delusions for how our family should work. Will they be jealous if they feel excluded, will they feel awkward if they're included. How are their marriages, are they fighting, will the new partners actually take care of them or will they have another divorce... My mom, her partner, my dad, his partner, my in-laws who are also divorced and have new partners... it's a lot of people! It's a lot of thinking and planning just to make sure we see each household at least once a year. Some people have normal families where they just don't have to deal with any of this. That's what I really feel like I'm missing out on-- the simplicity of it. I know plenty of people have unhappily married parents, so people will attack me and say it isn't any better. But divorce has opened the door to subsequent unhappy marriages, which is even harder.

Not an attack but I have parents who have been married 50 years and they hate each other. It’s miserable. I still have to do EVERYTHING for both of them because I’m an only child and they won’t ask each other. For example - my mom got surgery and I was running around picking up her meds because she would not ask my dad. They fight openly in front of my kids to the point where I sometimes have to leave. They call me to complain about each other. They should be divorced.
Not attacking you at all, because I don’t envy your situation, just saying that the grass isn’t always greener!

That is indeed a real bummer for you. Now imagine they divorced and each entered into another unhappy marriages, so you have two households and four adults to deal with. That's what I've got. Would you trade?

Potentially I would trade because as hard as that would be, there is something about having your mom call and complain about your dad that hits hard. If she were complaining about her husband (not my dad) it would be easier for me to just take her side and listen I her vent.

Also there is a good chance that this will work out better for OP. She is a widow, she has had pain and gotten through it, and seems like a very emotionally intelligent person. She is in love. Marriages do work out a lot of the time too.

I can understand that. But the logistics of two households are an awful burden. It's not just the people and their health, eventually it's the home maintenance, convincing them to move, clearing out the two houses, dealing with step-siblings who have different opinions and different cultures. Older adults in a long-term relationship but only one of them can't afford a nice retirement place-- that's a really horrible situation, but it's the situation I'm in right now with my mom and her broke loser boyfriend. It's not necessarily more emotionally painful, but it's really really complicated and really really logistically difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really seem to be overreacting and not actually giving you the advice you’re asking for. I think some perspective could be that at some point his daughter will be happy that he found someone to grow old with. As she matures, she will realize the benefit of that for him, and eventually for her. My mom has no one, and it is a huge responsibility for me, for her happiness and her well-being. What a blessing that she can enjoy her dad and not have to worry about taking care of him later in life because he also has you.
I think you can have a conversation with her about how she is feeling and acknowledge that it must be hard and that you don’t ever want to get in the way of her and her dad. Give her full permission to approach you if she ever needs some alone time with her dad, and have her know that you will oblige.
There is no reason for you to not get married because of adult children. They have their own lives and will continue to do so. I’m sure it’s hard to have your dad’s wife in pictures but isn’t it also a blessing?!

Well, no. It may or may not be a blessing depending on how she behaves, how she treats people, and how their marriage goes. So stop with your Pollyanna divorce cheerleading. And it's funny how you think alone time with a parent requires explicit advance permission. I would never ask my dad's wife for that. She doesn't own him.

And you cannot assume that a new partner will be someone to grow old with. It's some bizarre delusion that you think his daughter won't have to care for him. The new wife might die. She might get sick and be too sick to take care of anyone and grow old with anyone. They might divorce again. She might be with him while he's healthy and fun, monopolize his time, make him blow off his grandkids in favor of hers, spend all his money, and then ditch him when he's old and sick. This go very badly. Adult children are definitely still worried about late-in-life care even when their parents have new spouses, because there's no way to predict how it will go and who will die first. Grow up and face reality. It's not as pretty as you're trying to make it seem.

And then there's the question of who cares for the step-parent-- does anyone really want MORE aging parents to take care of? I already have my father and mother and in-laws, I certainly don't want to add to the list.

Well first of all, OP seems super nice and normal so many of those things seem like a non issue.
And second, her son can take care of her. She is not asking his kids to care for her!

Super nice and normal so she's guaranteed to outlive her boyfriend? Come on.

You are really catastrophizing things.

I'm an actuary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really seem to be overreacting and not actually giving you the advice you’re asking for. I think some perspective could be that at some point his daughter will be happy that he found someone to grow old with. As she matures, she will realize the benefit of that for him, and eventually for her. My mom has no one, and it is a huge responsibility for me, for her happiness and her well-being. What a blessing that she can enjoy her dad and not have to worry about taking care of him later in life because he also has you.
I think you can have a conversation with her about how she is feeling and acknowledge that it must be hard and that you don’t ever want to get in the way of her and her dad. Give her full permission to approach you if she ever needs some alone time with her dad, and have her know that you will oblige.
There is no reason for you to not get married because of adult children. They have their own lives and will continue to do so. I’m sure it’s hard to have your dad’s wife in pictures but isn’t it also a blessing?!

Well, no. It may or may not be a blessing depending on how she behaves, how she treats people, and how their marriage goes. So stop with your Pollyanna divorce cheerleading. And it's funny how you think alone time with a parent requires explicit advance permission. I would never ask my dad's wife for that. She doesn't own him.

And you cannot assume that a new partner will be someone to grow old with. It's some bizarre delusion that you think his daughter won't have to care for him. The new wife might die. She might get sick and be too sick to take care of anyone and grow old with anyone. They might divorce again. She might be with him while he's healthy and fun, monopolize his time, make him blow off his grandkids in favor of hers, spend all his money, and then ditch him when he's old and sick. This go very badly. Adult children are definitely still worried about late-in-life care even when their parents have new spouses, because there's no way to predict how it will go and who will die first. Grow up and face reality. It's not as pretty as you're trying to make it seem.

And then there's the question of who cares for the step-parent-- does anyone really want MORE aging parents to take care of? I already have my father and mother and in-laws, I certainly don't want to add to the list.

Well first of all, OP seems super nice and normal so many of those things seem like a non issue.
And second, her son can take care of her. She is not asking his kids to care for her!

Do we really think OP will do all of these things when she is online asking how to make a smooth transition for his DH?

[Anonymous]

If you aren't going to have more kids, why marry? It's probably the mom sabotaging the relationship as she doesn't want him moving on. I married as I wanted kids/benefits but I didn't have kids, he did. His ex was a nightmare (and she's the one who had the affair).

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do don't marry. Keep living together and keep your finances separate. If possible, keep your own residence too. Rent it out if needed but don't get rid of it.

My BF has an adult daughter who has never warmed up to me. (I came along years after the divorce, FWIW. She was in her mid-teens at the time.)

She is now into her 30s, married and has children of her own. Nothing has changed.

She has never been rude or nasty, she just makes it clear she has no interest in knowing me as a person and does not want a relationship with me.

We have never had a significant conversation about anything. When I ask her questions, I get one word or very brief responses. She has never looked me in the eye and always averts her gaze away from me. This is after almost 20 years.

She has never, not once, asked me anything about my life - my family, job, activities. Nothing. Zero interest.

I thought I did all I could; read all the books, asked family counselors questions, did all the things suggested like made sure her and her dad had one-on-one time and went on vacations together, etc.

I never spoke ill of her mother and in fact, her mother has actually been warmer to me than she has. Her mother remarried within a year of the divorce and the daughter had no problem accepting that man.

With her eventual maturity I hoped things would change. They have not. Years ago I accepted that she does not want a relationship with me whatever her reason and I respect that. I have gone grey rock.

If I see her I am polite but I no longer ask questions or try to warm her up - that ship has sailed and I'm not interested in her either.

Simply said, there are some daughters who will NEVER accept another woman in their father's life. My BF's is one of them. He is embarrassed and broken hearted at the way she dismisses me but he knows he can never confront her or else risk losing the fragile relationship he has with her, and now her kids.

The BEST thing I did was not to marry him. Once I realized how his daughter felt I did not want to be in a position where it came to "her or me" type of issues.

The cold hard truth is that many men WILL pick their daughter (even adults) over any other woman in their life, including their second wife, should conflict arise. They would take a crumb or two from their daughter once in awhile and be lonely the rest of the time, rather than invest in a full life with another woman.

As the girlfriend, even the live-in girlfriend, it was easier than being the wife - where I feel I would have had more a legitimate right to my input on finances, vacation time, etc. I also knew I could pack up and leave anytime and go back to my own home. In some way, I think knowing I had an exit path actually kept me in the relationship longer and made me work at it a bit harder.

All I know OP is if you feel there is reluctance on the part of the daughter, that is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably has deep resentments and no amount of time or life events will cure that.

I recently had lunch with a woman who remarried in her 70s to a man in his 80s. There was a prenup and all inheritance issues were not changed one iota. Yet the man's daughter (in her 60s!!) has not accepted this woman's place as her father's wife.

So it doesn't change with time, with age or with circumstance.

This young woman will never accept you and it will always be a wedge in your relationship you have no way to remedy and no control over.

OP here. I appreciate this so much. I think it might be better for us just to live together or perhaps have a ceremony without getting legally married. From reading here, it seems that this can cause all sorts of issues down the road. My boyfriend spends quite a bit of time with his daughter (special visits, vacations etc.) and I have no problem with this at all. In fact, I also enjoy spending one-on-one time with my own child so this works well for me. I cannot predict what the future holds and how this young lady will feel towards me. I can only be myself and take one day at the time. I'm a good person. I'm generous and likeable and I realize that I cannot control the emotions or feelings of others towards me.

See, here's what you're missing. The world is full of good people. People who are generous and likeable. But that's not enough. Finding someone generous and likeable isn't saying "I want this person to be at all my family events forever, I want to spend time with their adult child, I want them in the most intimate moments of my parents' life, I want them to have a tremendous amount of influence over my parent." That's wayyyy more than finding someone generous and likeable! Not everyone likes everyone enough to support a stepfamily relationship, that's the bottom line here.

Well, that is the downside of divorce, isn't it? There are no more intimate moments of their parents' life because they are divorced. I'm from a divorced family and I remember my father dating and it was hard seeing him affectionate and loving with someone else who was not my mother.

It's not really about that. It's about having my dad's wife, then his next wife, then his next girlfriend, pushed into all of our family moments. In the hospital after babies are born. In wedding photos. At sickbeds and funerals and all that stuff. It's not because I wanted my mom there-- she's actually really hard to deal with and it's easier if she isn't. It's because I'm tired of having new partners constantly pushed into our family. I would rather have just my actual family. It's far more complicated when you've got to treat a strange person as Wife as if she's the mother of the family. It's very weird and awkward.

But the point is, anyway, that OP being generous and likeable isn't enough to cause people to want that kind of intimate family relationship with her. Because I can think of hundreds of people I find generous and likeable, but I don't want that kind of relationship with them.

I understand this and I think that these valid concerns and honestly, I would not like this either. It sounds like your father had multiple relationships after he divorced your Mom and pushing these women in your life during special events is inappropriate. I'm sorry that this happened, but this is not the case with everyone Not every man gets involved with multiple women and many men end up in happy in successful relationships again. I have quite a few co-workers (male and female who are very happy with their new partners after divorces). I'm not interested in a super intimate relationship with my boyfriend's daughter. She has a mother and her mother should be the one by her side during those special events. I have no interest or desire to step into this role. It would be super awkward to be there during the birth of a baby etc. The reality though is that her father has moved on (I'm not his first post-divorce relationship though he only had one other LTR) and she will need to get used to a new person in her father's life whether that is me or another woman. He would most definitely not stay single just to please his daughter. My only request is that we respect each other mutually.

He may not stay single to please his daughter, but he may let her drive women away. How does she disrespect you? Does she come to your house where he's now living (seems unreasonable if there isn't mutual respect), or does he go to her house for visits? You might encourage him to visit her rather than host her at your house if it's a strained relationship. Just as she's not required to welcome you into "her" family, you're not required to welcome her into your home. It's fine to let your DH compartmentalize. His relationship with her can be separate from his relationship with you.

She does not disrespect me at all; we actually have a pretty good relationship and she does not do anything to drive me away. She visits us at our place and all visits are usually fun and pleasant. He also spends lots of alone time with her which is good for both of them. During Spring break, he took a nice vacation with her and her sibling while I took my child on a separate trip. I think this is a nice way of balancing things. It is just that I can tell some sadness in her especially when her father is affectionate with me. I try to keep PDA's from my boyfriend (he loves to be affectionate) at a minimum when she is with us because I can tell that this is difficult for her.

I just wish I didn't have to think about any of this. So many people, how do they feel, what are their preferences, what are their hopes and delusions for how our family should work. Will they be jealous if they feel excluded, will they feel awkward if they're included. How are their marriages, are they fighting, will the new partners actually take care of them or will they have another divorce... My mom, her partner, my dad, his partner, my in-laws who are also divorced and have new partners... it's a lot of people! It's a lot of thinking and planning just to make sure we see each household at least once a year. Some people have normal families where they just don't have to deal with any of this. That's what I really feel like I'm missing out on-- the simplicity of it. I know plenty of people have unhappily married parents, so people will attack me and say it isn't any better. But divorce has opened the door to subsequent unhappy marriages, which is even harder.

Not an attack but I have parents who have been married 50 years and they hate each other. It’s miserable. I still have to do EVERYTHING for both of them because I’m an only child and they won’t ask each other. For example - my mom got surgery and I was running around picking up her meds because she would not ask my dad. They fight openly in front of my kids to the point where I sometimes have to leave. They call me to complain about each other. They should be divorced.
Not attacking you at all, because I don’t envy your situation, just saying that the grass isn’t always greener!

That is indeed a real bummer for you. Now imagine they divorced and each entered into another unhappy marriages, so you have two households and four adults to deal with. That's what I've got. Would you trade?

Potentially I would trade because as hard as that would be, there is something about having your mom call and complain about your dad that hits hard. If she were complaining about her husband (not my dad) it would be easier for me to just take her side and listen I her vent.

Also there is a good chance that this will work out better for OP. She is a widow, she has had pain and gotten through it, and seems like a very emotionally intelligent person. She is in love. Marriages do work out a lot of the time too.

I can understand that. But the logistics of two households are an awful burden. It's not just the people and their health, eventually it's the home maintenance, convincing them to move, clearing out the two houses, dealing with step-siblings who have different opinions and different cultures. Older adults in a long-term relationship but only one of them can't afford a nice retirement place-- that's a really horrible situation, but it's the situation I'm in right now with my mom and her broke loser boyfriend. It's not necessarily more emotionally painful, but it's really really complicated and really really logistically difficult.

Agree and I wouldn't want your situation either. Ideally I would want two parents who loved each other and had their own life, didn't have only me as their source of happiness. I was just saying it isn't all roses for those who's parents remained married

[Anonymous]

I’m married to an adult child of divorce and the step siblings are cordial but not close. Holidays are a strain.