Family Addiction Dynamics: Abandonment, Enabling, Harm

[Anonymous]

Not to be obtuse OP but what’s your question? How to keep these grandparents in the kids’ lives? You do it from a distance. My daughter’s father walked out on her at age 5. We’ve never seen him again. I exchange greetings with his mom and sister at holidays, we’re warm and cordial but we don’t visit each other. There’s no ignoring the elephant in the room, but I don’t have to cut them off. Can you do the same?

[Anonymous]

Please call the police and get him off the roads!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m navigating a painful reality and wonder if others here have been through something similar. My kids’ dad is in active addiction. He has essentially abandoned them — no visits, no support — and his parents continue to enable him. They bankroll his lifestyle, deny the severity of his illness, and stay silent in the face of the harm to the kids.

This creates a double loss: my children not only lose their dad, but also grandparents who choose his comfort over facing the hard truth. That feels cruel and unnecessary, but it’s also not safe for kids to spend time with relatives who minimize or excuse his behavior.

For context:
• I have sole custody.
• Their dad is dependent on alcohol, under a protective order, and unsafe for any unsupervised parenting time.
• He’s been fired, drives drunk daily with an open container, says unhinged things, and shows cognitive distortions and delusions. There’s been extreme post-separation abuse, and he’s fixated on me as the root of all problems. He once broke into the house while wasted and terrified the kids. I am not convinced he isn’t fantasizing about killing me.
• Despite court orders, he provides nothing — no child support, no health insurance, no mortgage help, no visits, no calls.
• Meanwhile, he plays the role of a “wealthy bachelor” with the backing of his parents, traveling, shopping, and dropping $300 on meals with his girlfriend. His family seems more concerned with avoiding conflict, keeping him comfortable, and protecting his image than with the well-being of his children.
• My kids and I are in therapy, and I attend Al-Anon. Both have been lifelines, but I still wrestle with how to handle the family dynamics. The kids ask about these grandparents constantly. They have now gone a complete year without seeing them…

I’d love to hear from others who’ve lived through something like this:
• How did you cope with enabling grandparents/relatives who know the truth but look the other way?
• What did the short-term fallout look like for your kids?
• In the long run, did family relationships heal, or did you cut ties?
• What helped you build stability and resilience for your children when relatives wouldn’t step up?

Look into AlAteen for your kids. In my area, kids can go from age 10 on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s their child - no matter how bad he was to you they are not going to abandon him. What is it you expect them to do?

Can your kids have phone calls with them?

Healthy parents love their child but set firm limits — they’ll pay for treatment or housing tied to recovery, but won’t bankroll addiction or excuse harm. Unhealthy parents confuse enabling with love, denying the addiction, funding destructive choices, and protecting the addict’s comfort over their grandchildren’s well-being. The difference is boundaries versus collusion.

Currently, they are handing him over $100k annually to get drunk all day every day.

Not your business though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s their child - no matter how bad he was to you they are not going to abandon him. What is it you expect them to do?

Can your kids have phone calls with them?

Healthy parents love their child but set firm limits — they’ll pay for treatment or housing tied to recovery, but won’t bankroll addiction or excuse harm. Unhealthy parents confuse enabling with love, denying the addiction, funding destructive choices, and protecting the addict’s comfort over their grandchildren’s well-being. The difference is boundaries versus collusion.

Currently, they are handing him over $100k annually to get drunk all day every day.

How do you know that and why do you caes? Not your concern now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a completely separate issue from his parents (regardless of how much they have blinders on about his addiction.)

I assume there Miss br a very strong reason why your kids who are missing their grandparents haven’t seen them in a year. Unless they refuse to see the kids without their son present that seems like a big mistake.

Per court orders, the kids cannot visit or contact dad without professional supervision. Visits are in a DV center. So visits with grandparents and dad together aren’t possible. There is no way for kids to maintain contact with parental family unless plans are communicated through me. The kids are elementary school aged. Oldest can text on an iPad but they’re not exactly calling on their own. Texts have been sent and they’ve gone unanswered. Their behavior is a big mistake. This has been acknowledged so many times by the kids’ therapists. But at this point, I feel like we should probably just move on.

Cant grandparents come to your house alone?

[Anonymous]

They’ve lost their dad and grandparents to addiction. It’s not your fault. The worst thing you can to is deny their loss by pretending and encouraging a fake relationship with a sick person. Acknowledge their loss, and help them through this. Cut ties. If he or his parents ever learn to be healthy, then you can encourage that relationship.

[Anonymous]

I am in a related but similar situation. Thoughts:

I’d love to hear from others who’ve lived through something like this:
• How did you cope with enabling grandparents/relatives who know the truth but look the other way?

I don't interact much with the relatives on spouse's side who can't see the truth. It might help that before things went really south we had a "you handle contact with your side of the family and I handle contact with mine policy." Addict didn't really set up much contact because of how all-consuming the addiction became, so kids had little already. They miss it, but not in a it-suddenly-disappeared way. So occasional FaceTime feels normal, and that's what we do. I don't appear on screen or talk.

• What did the short-term fallout look like for your kids?

Still determining this one.

• In the long run, did family relationships heal, or did you cut ties?

I think there's a place between cutting ties and healing that we are aiming for. But I also think my ILs might be somewhat healthier, in that even if they can't see the full truth they won't drag my kids into it. So I can trust them to have light hearted conversations about my kids' lives and leave it at that. It doesn't sound like your ILs are healthy enough for a FaceTime that you dial and then let them chat about light hearted things. If they are...that might be good.

• What helped you build stability and resilience for your children when relatives wouldn’t step up?

For us it's:

- school community
- sports community
- church community
- my family

Even if you don't have your own family, you can still find some of the other bits.

[Anonymous]

I am so so sorry OP. It's hard enough being a single mom with a deadbeat dad, without him causing additional chaos in your lives.

He sounds utterly toxic and hopeless.
Your best bet may be to just gray rock him as much as possible. Don't speak to him (or his family) except if necessary. Let yourself fade out of his life, so he finds another punching bag to blame.
I know you try to facilitate a relationship with your kids. Stop.
Just focus on your life with you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s their child - no matter how bad he was to you they are not going to abandon him. What is it you expect them to do?

Can your kids have phone calls with them?

Healthy parents love their child but set firm limits — they’ll pay for treatment or housing tied to recovery, but won’t bankroll addiction or excuse harm. Unhealthy parents confuse enabling with love, denying the addiction, funding destructive choices, and protecting the addict’s comfort over their grandchildren’s well-being. The difference is boundaries versus collusion.

Currently, they are handing him over $100k annually to get drunk all day every day.

How do you know that and why do you caes? Not your concern now.

Statements were shared during divorce discovery. When the grandparents give him money, they’re essentially saying, ‘We agree with and support what you’re doing.’ And what that really means is, ‘We support you harming and neglecting your kids.’

[Anonymous]

I think you need to separate out the parents relationship with their son and your relationship with your kid's grandparents.

Let them - in limited ways - be grandparents to your kids.

I think you have set up too strong a binary - them supporting their son you've defined as "we agree with you and support what you're doing" and you've merged that with "we support you in harming and neglecting your kids."

There are other, less absolute ways of looking at this, and I think you could be more comfortable in the gray inbetween spaces for your kids. I get that you are (deservedly!) very angry with them. In the absence of them attending Al anon and recognizing their role, they aren't going to drop their son entirely. So, that does put an onus on your to become the gobetween.

While this SUCKS and is totally unfair to you, being the better person for your kids is yet another thing you might justhave to suffer to facilitate a relationship with your former inlaws and your kid's grandparents.

Keep up oyur boundaries and keep the boudaries around the father and his drinking and no access to kids. But look for ways to help your kids through this with the love and support of their grandparents. you can send photos, you could invite them over (hire a babysitter, you can leave the house). You can invite them to games and school events. I don't know if you think they would break boundaries and invite their son? Make sure that is off the table. But separating your kids entirely from an entire extended family seems too painful for them, at this time (given they are asking about them). Setting aside your anger/disappointment/whatever with them on behalf of your kids seems like a better long term strategy for your kids' sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s their child - no matter how bad he was to you they are not going to abandon him. What is it you expect them to do?

Can your kids have phone calls with them?

Healthy parents love their child but set firm limits — they’ll pay for treatment or housing tied to recovery, but won’t bankroll addiction or excuse harm. Unhealthy parents confuse enabling with love, denying the addiction, funding destructive choices, and protecting the addict’s comfort over their grandchildren’s well-being. The difference is boundaries versus collusion.

Currently, they are handing him over $100k annually to get drunk all day every day.

How do you know that and why do you caes? Not your concern now.

Statements were shared during divorce discovery. When the grandparents give him money, they’re essentially saying, ‘We agree with and support what you’re doing.’ And what that really means is, ‘We support you harming and neglecting your kids.’

That is entirely your narrative. You need to detach yourself from even thinking at all about their actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to separate out the parents relationship with their son and your relationship with your kid's grandparents.

Let them - in limited ways - be grandparents to your kids.

I think you have set up too strong a binary - them supporting their son you've defined as "we agree with you and support what you're doing" and you've merged that with "we support you in harming and neglecting your kids."

There are other, less absolute ways of looking at this, and I think you could be more comfortable in the gray inbetween spaces for your kids. I get that you are (deservedly!) very angry with them. In the absence of them attending Al anon and recognizing their role, they aren't going to drop their son entirely. So, that does put an onus on your to become the gobetween.

While this SUCKS and is totally unfair to you, being the better person for your kids is yet another thing you might justhave to suffer to facilitate a relationship with your former inlaws and your kid's grandparents.

Keep up oyur boundaries and keep the boudaries around the father and his drinking and no access to kids. But look for ways to help your kids through this with the love and support of their grandparents. you can send photos, you could invite them over (hire a babysitter, you can leave the house). You can invite them to games and school events. I don't know if you think they would break boundaries and invite their son? Make sure that is off the table. But separating your kids entirely from an entire extended family seems too painful for them, at this time (given they are asking about them). Setting aside your anger/disappointment/whatever with them on behalf of your kids seems like a better long term strategy for your kids' sake.

I agree with what you’re saying, but there hasn’t been any effort on their part to maintain a relationship with the kids. I’ve kept the door cracked open, waiting for them to come around. I’ve invited them to milestone events, but they never respond—though I know the invitations are received because they talk about them with other family members. When the kids ask, ‘Is MiMi coming to my recital?’ I’m left telling the truth: ‘She didn’t respond, so I don’t think so.’ In the absence of communication with me or the kids—and knowing how much they’re doing for my ex, along with the unsafe circumstances—it just feels really icky. I wouldn’t say I’m angry, but I do feel unsafe, uncomfortable, sad, and confused.

Venting here and reading through responses has helped. I think radical acceptance is probably the best path forward.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been there, done that. No relationship with grandparents or his relatives. It becomes too unhealthy when kids realize the grands are enabling him in self destruction and his neglect of family. His family made a choice and they must live with it. They can always make a different choice, then things might change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s their child - no matter how bad he was to you they are not going to abandon him. What is it you expect them to do?

Can your kids have phone calls with them?

Healthy parents love their child but set firm limits — they’ll pay for treatment or housing tied to recovery, but won’t bankroll addiction or excuse harm. Unhealthy parents confuse enabling with love, denying the addiction, funding destructive choices, and protecting the addict’s comfort over their grandchildren’s well-being. The difference is boundaries versus collusion.

Currently, they are handing him over $100k annually to get drunk all day every day.

How do you know that and why do you caes? Not your concern now.

Statements were shared during divorce discovery. When the grandparents give him money, they’re essentially saying, ‘We agree with and support what you’re doing.’ And what that really means is, ‘We support you harming and neglecting your kids.’

Nahh.
Sounds like you want some of that money from his parents..

Ain’t happening. Move on.