Family Addiction Dynamics: Abandonment, Enabling, Harm

[Anonymous]

I’m navigating a painful reality and wonder if others here have been through something similar. My kids’ dad is in active addiction. He has essentially abandoned them — no visits, no support — and his parents continue to enable him. They bankroll his lifestyle, deny the severity of his illness, and stay silent in the face of the harm to the kids.

This creates a double loss: my children not only lose their dad, but also grandparents who choose his comfort over facing the hard truth. That feels cruel and unnecessary, but it’s also not safe for kids to spend time with relatives who minimize or excuse his behavior.

For context:
• I have sole custody.
• Their dad is dependent on alcohol, under a protective order, and unsafe for any unsupervised parenting time.
• He’s been fired, drives drunk daily with an open container, says unhinged things, and shows cognitive distortions and delusions. There’s been extreme post-separation abuse, and he’s fixated on me as the root of all problems. He once broke into the house while wasted and terrified the kids. I am not convinced he isn’t fantasizing about killing me.
• Despite court orders, he provides nothing — no child support, no health insurance, no mortgage help, no visits, no calls.
• Meanwhile, he plays the role of a “wealthy bachelor” with the backing of his parents, traveling, shopping, and dropping $300 on meals with his girlfriend. His family seems more concerned with avoiding conflict, keeping him comfortable, and protecting his image than with the well-being of his children.
• My kids and I are in therapy, and I attend Al-Anon. Both have been lifelines, but I still wrestle with how to handle the family dynamics. The kids ask about these grandparents constantly. They have now gone a complete year without seeing them…

I’d love to hear from others who’ve lived through something like this:
• How did you cope with enabling grandparents/relatives who know the truth but look the other way?
• What did the short-term fallout look like for your kids?
• In the long run, did family relationships heal, or did you cut ties?
• What helped you build stability and resilience for your children when relatives wouldn’t step up?

[Anonymous]

He’s their child - no matter how bad he was to you they are not going to abandon him. What is it you expect them to do?

Can your kids have phone calls with them?

[Anonymous]

You can try setting ground rules with them (i.e., your ex isn't invited or to be discussed, and this visit isn't to be mentioned to him) and then meet them with the kids in a public space to visit. If they can't meet those rules, there's probably not a great solution.

To start you could try a video chat with the same ground rules and just wrap up the conversation immediately if your ex-DH is a topic. See how it goes.

[Anonymous]

You can’t control how your husbands parents feel about him.

Establish boundaries , control what you can and move on.

[Anonymous]

^ kids father *

[Anonymous]

With sole custody, can you move away? Are there people from your side of the family that can offer emotional support to you and the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s their child - no matter how bad he was to you they are not going to abandon him. What is it you expect them to do?

Can your kids have phone calls with them?

Healthy parents love their child but set firm limits — they’ll pay for treatment or housing tied to recovery, but won’t bankroll addiction or excuse harm. Unhealthy parents confuse enabling with love, denying the addiction, funding destructive choices, and protecting the addict’s comfort over their grandchildren’s well-being. The difference is boundaries versus collusion.

Currently, they are handing him over $100k annually to get drunk all day every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can try setting ground rules with them (i.e., your ex isn't invited or to be discussed, and this visit isn't to be mentioned to him) and then meet them with the kids in a public space to visit. If they can't meet those rules, there's probably not a great solution.

To start you could try a video chat with the same ground rules and just wrap up the conversation immediately if your ex-DH is a topic. See how it goes.

NP - I feel like this is the best answer as far as the grandparents. If they can't "follow the rules" then maybe you need to cut them out.

As far as your ex - it seems very likely he will drink himself to death, so I guess I'd prepare yourself and the kids as best you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can try setting ground rules with them (i.e., your ex isn't invited or to be discussed, and this visit isn't to be mentioned to him) and then meet them with the kids in a public space to visit. If they can't meet those rules, there's probably not a great solution.

To start you could try a video chat with the same ground rules and just wrap up the conversation immediately if your ex-DH is a topic. See how it goes.

NP - I feel like this is the best answer as far as the grandparents. If they can't "follow the rules" then maybe you need to cut them out.

As far as your ex - it seems very likely he will drink himself to death, so I guess I'd prepare yourself and the kids as best you can.

100% he’s already been hospitalized several times, he gets discharged and immediately starts drinking again and acting like everything is fine.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a completely separate issue from his parents (regardless of how much they have blinders on about his addiction.)

I assume there Miss br a very strong reason why your kids who are missing their grandparents haven’t seen them in a year. Unless they refuse to see the kids without their son present that seems like a big mistake.

[Anonymous]

I would consider moving. You need to move on and help your kids do so. Do you have family or friends in a lower cost of living area? Deemphasize the grandparents and get the kids into Alateen.

[Anonymous]

His family will not change. Accept that. Move out of the area. Get into Al Anon and Alateen if kids are tweens or older. Join a church. You are too enmeshed with relationships that are keeping you all stuck. His family are also sick. Stop looking to people who are hurting you for help. Move out of the area or at least to a new home. Move on in a way that allows the kids to grove then start living. Find healthier people who have something positive to give. Get a dog or cat, very comforting to kids. None of his family will change, radical acceptance, OP.

[Anonymous]

grieve

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a completely separate issue from his parents (regardless of how much they have blinders on about his addiction.)

I assume there Miss br a very strong reason why your kids who are missing their grandparents haven’t seen them in a year. Unless they refuse to see the kids without their son present that seems like a big mistake.

Per court orders, the kids cannot visit or contact dad without professional supervision. Visits are in a DV center. So visits with grandparents and dad together aren’t possible. There is no way for kids to maintain contact with parental family unless plans are communicated through me. The kids are elementary school aged. Oldest can text on an iPad but they’re not exactly calling on their own. Texts have been sent and they’ve gone unanswered. Their behavior is a big mistake. This has been acknowledged so many times by the kids’ therapists. But at this point, I feel like we should probably just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His family will not change. Accept that. Move out of the area. Get into Al Anon and Alateen if kids are tweens or older. Join a church. You are too enmeshed with relationships that are keeping you all stuck. His family are also sick. Stop looking to people who are hurting you for help. Move out of the area or at least to a new home. Move on in a way that allows the kids to grove then start living. Find healthier people who have something positive to give. Get a dog or cat, very comforting to kids. None of his family will change, radical acceptance, OP.

Wow. I needed that. Thank you so much.