Reply to Family Addiction Dynamics: Abandonment, Enabling, Harm

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think you need to separate out the parents relationship with their son and your relationship with your kid's grandparents.

Let them - in limited ways - be grandparents to your kids.

I think you have set up too strong a binary - them supporting their son you've defined as "we agree with you and support what you're doing" and you've merged that with "we support you in harming and neglecting your kids."

There are other, less absolute ways of looking at this, and I think you could be more comfortable in the gray inbetween spaces for your kids.  I get that you are (deservedly!) very angry with them.  In the absence of them attending Al anon and recognizing their role, they aren't going to drop their son entirely.  So, that does put an onus on your to become the gobetween.

While this SUCKS and is totally unfair to you, being the better person for your kids is yet another thing you might justhave to suffer to facilitate a relationship with your former inlaws and your kid's grandparents.

Keep up oyur boundaries and keep the boudaries around the father and his drinking and no access to kids.  But look for ways to help your kids through this with the love and support of their grandparents.  you can send photos, you could invite them over (hire a babysitter, you can leave the house).  You can invite them to games and school events.  I don't know if you think they would break boundaries and invite their son?  Make sure that is off the table.  But separating your kids entirely from an entire extended family seems too painful for them, at this time (given they are asking about them).  Setting aside your anger/disappointment/whatever with them on behalf of your kids seems like a better long term strategy for your kids' sake.  [/quote]

I agree with what you’re saying, but there hasn’t been any effort on their part to maintain a relationship with the kids. I’ve kept the door cracked open, waiting for them to come around. I’ve invited them to milestone events, but they never respond—though I know the invitations are received because they talk about them with other family members. When the kids ask, ‘Is MiMi coming to my recital?’ I’m left telling the truth: ‘She didn’t respond, so I don’t think so.’ In the absence of communication with me or the kids—and knowing how much they’re doing for my ex, along with the unsafe circumstances—it just feels really icky. I wouldn’t say I’m angry, but I do feel unsafe, uncomfortable, sad, and confused.

Venting here and reading through responses has helped. I think radical acceptance is probably the best path forward.[/quote]

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