I’m taking a break from kitchen clean up and dishwasher duties. Teens said they would take over but it’s always ‘later’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I want my teens to start doing chores I make them do it with me first. They never say no or 'delay' when I ask them to work alongside me. Once things become more second nature for them it is easier to pin them down on doing it by themselves. Sometimes it it just an executive function issue.

Op here. I’ve done this already. They’re older teens. They know how to unload the dishwasher and load it, and we’ve done it ‘together’ a number of times before. This is total laziness. I’m not backing down and going to bed. One teen is out still, and the other is still shuffling around. I guess I’ll wake up to a dirty kitchen. I’m going to keep the paper plates in my room so they can’t use them

Stop being such a door mat. Go to the teen who is there and say, “you need to come to the kitchen now and do the dishes.”

If he does not like it, he can move out and get a job when he turns 18.

[Anonymous]

How old are they?

We have tried different variations but what we have found works the best is for each kid to have an entire month of kitchen duty. That means loading/unlaoding and Cleaning table and counters after a meal. Of course, if kids have a game or exam etc, one of the parents just does it but it works great for us. Any other arrangement meant that I was keeping track of whose turn it is and also there was an incentive for delaying loading/reloading because it would be someone else’s turn soon. Working together also didn’t work because one would work slowly on purpose to make the other do more. Now, Kids lose phone and screens until it’s done (but it’s honestly not an issue now, after a half year of this.

[Anonymous]

My DH will do this at night and I find it incredibly disrespectful as the person who wakes up early to prep coffee, breakfast, and packed food prep for the day (including mine, or it wouldn’t affect me). I feel really strongly that the counters should be clear in the morning, the sink should be empty, and the dishwasher run.

If someone is up eating at midnight and has dishes on the counter they can’t put away because the dishwasher is full, they can empty the clean dishwasher. I will die on that hill. DH will say “why can’t you just do it in the morning, it’s two dishes, it’s not that big of a deal.” It obviously is if my DH and your teens are unwilling to do it!

I vote that you just don’t do anything for a day every time they don’t finish the kitchen by x time at night. And then it’s their responsibility to do it all the next day. Car keys and phones go away the day after that, assuming they’re under 18.

[Anonymous]

One thing that helped me was to have them unload the dishwasher while I ran a timer. That shocked them and put an end to their whining about how long it took.

Then I did the same for hand washed dishes, counters, drying big things, etc. No more excuses about game days or homework or whatever. Unless they are literally in the Olympics that week or in the final stages of creating a novel vaccine, they have the time to do it.

[Anonymous]

taking phones or turning off internet is the way.

[Anonymous]

I find that a simple text works better than talking or threats. I give an hour or so to get it done in case they are in the middle of something.

Hey, I would like the dishwasher emptied, reloaded with the dirty dishes, and appliances and counters wiped clean by 8pm. I really appreciate it. Thumbs up the message if that works!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I want my teens to start doing chores I make them do it with me first. They never say no or 'delay' when I ask them to work alongside me. Once things become more second nature for them it is easier to pin them down on doing it by themselves. Sometimes it it just an executive function issue.

Op here. I’ve done this already. They’re older teens. They know how to unload the dishwasher and load it, and we’ve done it ‘together’ a number of times before. This is total laziness. I’m not backing down and going to bed. One teen is out still, and the other is still shuffling around. I guess I’ll wake up to a dirty kitchen. I’m going to keep the paper plates in my room so they can’t use them

Stop being such a door mat. Go to the teen who is there and say, “you need to come to the kitchen now and do the dishes.”

If he does not like it, he can move out and get a job when he turns 18.

Agree that you’re being a doormat. They’re still up?? I would put a note on each of their beds saying “the dishes better be done by the time I wake up or I will be turning off the phones that I pay for until the dishes are done” and follow through.

The kids keep pushing it off because you’ve passively let them do it over and over and your word means nothing.

We are on vacation with in laws who parent their kids this way. A lot of empty suggestions and no follow through and my niece/nephew get away with doing pretty much nothing because their parents are somehow afraid of them, it’s mind boggling actually.

And this is why teachers are so damn tired—kids who aren’t held to expectations at home can’t be held to them at school because they haven’t had consistent experience with firm expectations.

And if you read any threads about dh’s being aholes and everyone blaming autism or adhd on it, let’s think back to how these men were parented —when the going got tough….mom just quietly did the dishes…..

Give your kids a fighting chance at having a good partnership when they’re older by actually holding them to expectations and allowing them to understand the consequences that happen when they don’t. You’re not allowing them to get more sleep, you’re enabling the laziness.

[Anonymous]

Starting at the pre teen age, my kids had alternating weekly chores. For some chores, I had to designate days and times for when chores needed to be completed. For example, we went to the local pool often. I wanted their basic chores to be done BEFORE we left for an afternoon of fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I want my teens to start doing chores I make them do it with me first. They never say no or 'delay' when I ask them to work alongside me. Once things become more second nature for them it is easier to pin them down on doing it by themselves. Sometimes it it just an executive function issue.

Op here. I’ve done this already. They’re older teens. They know how to unload the dishwasher and load it, and we’ve done it ‘together’ a number of times before. This is total laziness. I’m not backing down and going to bed. One teen is out still, and the other is still shuffling around. I guess I’ll wake up to a dirty kitchen. I’m going to keep the paper plates in my room so they can’t use them

Stop being such a door mat. Go to the teen who is there and say, “you need to come to the kitchen now and do the dishes.”

If he does not like it, he can move out and get a job when he turns 18.

Agree that you’re being a doormat. They’re still up?? I would put a note on each of their beds saying “the dishes better be done by the time I wake up or I will be turning off the phones that I pay for until the dishes are done” and follow through.

The kids keep pushing it off because you’ve passively let them do it over and over and your word means nothing.

We are on vacation with in laws who parent their kids this way. A lot of empty suggestions and no follow through and my niece/nephew get away with doing pretty much nothing because their parents are somehow afraid of them, it’s mind boggling actually.

And this is why teachers are so damn tired—kids who aren’t held to expectations at home can’t be held to them at school because they haven’t had consistent experience with firm expectations.

And if you read any threads about dh’s being aholes and everyone blaming autism or adhd on it, let’s think back to how these men were parented —when the going got tough….mom just quietly did the dishes…..

Give your kids a fighting chance at having a good partnership when they’re older by actually holding them to expectations and allowing them to understand the consequences that happen when they don’t. You’re not allowing them to get more sleep, you’re enabling the laziness.

Amen, except I don't love the note idea because it's passive aggressive.

Set the expectation that dishes are done immediately after dinner. Nobody goes out or watches TV until that's done. If they can get a handle on that, maybe they'll earn more flexibility on when to complete the chore. Be clear that you tried giving them that flexibility to start, because adults should have some control over their time, but they blew it.

Although if one kid is routinely not home for dinner and not home until you go to bed, then this is not a good choice of chore for them. Pick other chores instead.

[Anonymous]

First, I’m assuming you discussed this with them first. They know what you expect to see, right?
Second, I refuse privileges until it’s done. Or say “if you want ___ then dishes done every day by 10 am.”

[Anonymous]

I don't say "now," but I give them a deadline (before lunch, after your phone call, before we leave for the library). Not perfect, but it helps.

[Anonymous]

I also give specific tasks to each kid, so they're not waiting hoping the other will do it first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I want my teens to start doing chores I make them do it with me first. They never say no or 'delay' when I ask them to work alongside me. Once things become more second nature for them it is easier to pin them down on doing it by themselves. Sometimes it it just an executive function issue.

Op here. I’ve done this already. They’re older teens. They know how to unload the dishwasher and load it, and we’ve done it ‘together’ a number of times before. This is total laziness. I’m not backing down and going to bed. One teen is out still, and the other is still shuffling around. I guess I’ll wake up to a dirty kitchen. I’m going to keep the paper plates in my room so they can’t use them

Stop being such a door mat. Go to the teen who is there and say, “you need to come to the kitchen now and do the dishes.”

If he does not like it, he can move out and get a job when he turns 18.

Agree that you’re being a doormat. They’re still up?? I would put a note on each of their beds saying “the dishes better be done by the time I wake up or I will be turning off the phones that I pay for until the dishes are done” and follow through.

The kids keep pushing it off because you’ve passively let them do it over and over and your word means nothing.

We are on vacation with in laws who parent their kids this way. A lot of empty suggestions and no follow through and my niece/nephew get away with doing pretty much nothing because their parents are somehow afraid of them, it’s mind boggling actually.

And this is why teachers are so damn tired—kids who aren’t held to expectations at home can’t be held to them at school because they haven’t had consistent experience with firm expectations.

And if you read any threads about dh’s being aholes and everyone blaming autism or adhd on it, let’s think back to how these men were parented —when the going got tough….mom just quietly did the dishes…..

Give your kids a fighting chance at having a good partnership when they’re older by actually holding them to expectations and allowing them to understand the consequences that happen when they don’t. You’re not allowing them to get more sleep, you’re enabling the laziness.

Doormat? That’s funny. Not at all. In fact I’m the parent on the other chain who doesn’t want to cook full time for my older teens during the summer and everyone is accusing me of being negligent and depriving them of
‘Nutritious meals’ and ‘special time’. I think everyone should contribute fairly equally in a family, and by this age it’s not my ‘job’ to do most of everything around the house, especially because I’m in a VERY busy patch at work and teens are busy but have more time than me right now. There is tons of nutritious food in our house btw and access to fresh fruits and vegetables and excellent grocery stores within walking distance, plus good inexpensive restaurant options. Those posts made me laugh because people implied I was starving my teens.

So as update, dishes are not done!! The kitchen and living room is tidy overall but the dishes are in the sink and the dishwasher is unloaded.

I did put notes out, on the table and one teens bathroom. So it’s a stand off! I can’t turn off phones for various reasons, but I took one teens gaming stuff a few days ago, no $ for them obviously etc. The older teen left for work already unfortunately, but the younger teen is here and is actually a little OCD (his room and bathroom are spotless) so I’m wondering how he’ll react to his precious smoothie blender being disgusting

I won’t get into a screaming or yelling match with my teens, but I’ve reminded them both and just walked out of their rooms. So let’s see.

[Anonymous]

Set a timeframe you expect it done by and declare what consequence will happen if it isn’t. Then follow through with the consequence. If it continues raise the consequence and enforce that. With teens being open ended rarely works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set a timeframe you expect it done by and declare what consequence will happen if it isn’t. Then follow through with the consequence. If it continues raise the consequence and enforce that. With teens being open ended rarely works.

And what consequences would you suggest for a 19 year old? Spanking?

Phone is not an option (he needs it for work, but I can turn off digital at night, but there’s still wifi).

What else?