Anger towards enabler parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a codependent mother who enables my narcissistic father. I’ve been going through the grief process of accepting that she is not capable of having a healthy, functioning relationship. It’s not easy. I’ve realized that even though each parent has very different maladaptive personality disorders, both are rooted in a deep insecurity and inability to properly empathize with others. Accepting this was the first step to healing! I recommend seeking the support, love, and validation you want from your father from friends, siblings, or other people that are able to have healthy relationships.

Thank you. I’ve already accepted that he isn’t capable of being the father I would have liked to have, so that’s ok. Now I need to figure out a way to be able to be calm and collected around him (I try not to spend more than 30 mins at a time with him; sometimes it’s longer when it’s a dr visit though).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to try to like him. You constantly are comparing him against what you knew as a child. Get over all of that nonsense, seriously. Instead of going with a hate filled heart go with a mindset of care and love. Find ways to connect right now.

I’ve tried; there isn’t much to connect to, unfortunately. He has his annoying little ways and there’s nothing to enjoy honestly. I am happy he isn’t mean and that he is less needy than many, but there’s not much positive. His development stopped 20+ years ago (honestly I think it may be closer to 30 or even 40).

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I opened this post because my mom is also mentally ill, and my dad was also an enabler, but I don't think we are in the same situation since my dad is generally a nice person, just exceedingly passive and unassertive and without the strength of character to stand up for his kids. He's pleasant enough and normal to talk to. In light of that, I've decided to put aside the past and maintain a friendly but not super close relationship with him (we do holidays, birthdays, and lunch maybe once a month, either me or my son stop in briefly once a week on the weekend to help him with some household tasks). I'm happy with this choice, but if my dad were an egotistical conspiracy theorist, I would not do this.


Thank you for sharing your experience. My dad is nice on the surface but once you get to know him better (like I did after years of barely any contact which btw he wasn’t unhappy about, or at least he never showed he wanted more of my company until he became dependent on me) he is, well, not so nice.

Under those circumstances, I would probably try to hire someone to help him with the meds and other tasks, and just see him every other week or so for lunch or dinner. Also, do you have any neutral things in common with him? My dad and I are both fans of the same baseball team, and try to watch at least one common tv show (separately) so that we have some neutral things to talk about, more because he is not good at conversation than due to a problem with the content of what he says.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to really separate the "work" from the relationship. Figure out the list of what he needs to be safe and triage that into what your sibling can do, what your father can do, what a well built support system (doctors, attorney?, neighbors, friends, paid care) can do, and what that leaves.

What do you actually HAVE to do? Get the list of what only you can do clear and focus on that. Then everything else you try to find a solution for, or you knowingly take on as an added/optional element. Treat this all as a business transaction or work task and put all of the emotional stuff in a separate box. You will do your best to keep him safe for as long as you can. That's the minimum and it can also be the maximum.

If you can find money for anything, do. Some sort of weekly aide, or a geriatric social worker to manage his healthcare scheduling, or something like the Senior Villages if they're active in your area, etc...

Also, therapy would help. For sure. But I understand you not wanting to do that, but still...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The past history is one thing, the current situation is another. Many adults find it well-nigh impossible to care for an elder, even if they had an idyllic relationship with them before, OP. Instead of blaming everything on the parental dynamics, focus on how to discharge yourself from caregiving duties.

Also, age is making your father worse than he was before. Confused people in cognitive decline tend to get caught up in weird beliefs and have reduced emotional control. He wasn't always like this. Now he is. Accept it. You will change too, for the worse. A lot of stuff you complain about regarding your parents will happen to YOU. Do you want your children to write what you just wrote?

So approach this from a practical perspective and forbear from judging, instead of torturing yourself with resentment.

+1
This. Does not matter what kind of parent you have/had, cognitive decline of old age will change them. Also, taking care of them is hard. You can accept it and make other arrangements if it is possible. I am not in the best of health and I am only 60. Next 20 years, I have to take care of my health and make arrangements so that my kids are not saddled with my care. If need be, I will move back to the country of my origin and be able to afford care there. I have to make arrangements while my brain still works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll try to make it short. Grew up with a mentally ill mom who was low key abusive (hoarding is one example) and an enabler dad. I used to feel very bad for him as I saw him as exploited by mom, loved him and considered very smart. I think it may have been some sort of emotional incest on his part as I saw him as “one of us against the evil witch mother”.
Anyway, at 18 I saw him for what he was - a weak enabler who couldn’t protect us kids - moved out at 19, and left town altogether at 25. Mother always gatekept access to him so I didn’t talk to him much for over 2 decades.
My mother finally died a few years ago and I moved my dad closer to me. He is now 80, lives close and needs a lot of low key help like dr appointments or administering meds or cleaning so I can’t help but see him every few days.

The problem is that I can’t get over the anger I feel towards him. Apparently after my mother died I had some sort of childish hopes of reconnecting with the dad I had when I was a child, the one I adored and considered the smartest man on earth. He is a shallow, egotistic man who is afraid of everything, full of crazy conspiracy theories. Idk if I overestimated his intelligence or if he is just old, but there is nobody to reconnect with.
My sibling who helps out with money doesnt do day to day care feels the same btw.

I’ve been in therapy before and of course the issue of parents did come up but it was years ago. I don’t want to do therapy again. I am looking for similar experiences and maybe you can share your words of wisdom with me.

I don’t see him more than 30 mins per day but even that is becoming too much. I can probably have him administer the meds himself, that way I’ll see him maybe once or twice a week, but not sure it’s going to help. I am already trying to avoid any meaningful conversation but I still manage to get irritated!

Can you provide some examples of how he was a “lowkey enabler” of your mentally ill mother?

Are you are aware of what options a healthy spouse with children have when dealing with a dysfunctional or abusive or mentally ill spouse?

None of the options are good. So you’d be in therapy either way since you have one Ill parent, who hopefully didn’t make your other parent ill or you ill. Trauma for all.

The only good solution is if the ill parent goes away. Not coparents via divorce, not hangs out bugging spouse and children, etc. Their parents didn’t get them the help they needed, and now it’s another persons big problem.

[Anonymous]

Being an adult now, what do you wish your father would have chosen to do with your mom or the marriage back when you were a child?

[Anonymous]

Seems like you haven't grown up and still harbor unreasonable resentment. Your parents don't owe you a perfect childhood and a perfect marriage. Even if you believe neither was a good parent, you need to let go of the fact that he's ever going to acknowledge that. Now he's in decline. Yes, we're all going to get like this, OP. Even you.

Compartmentalization is key. Deal with the immediate practical problems, and try not to think about who this person really is. Help as little or as much as you want. No one's winning any medals over this. Only you can determine what you're ready to give. But don't make the mistake of thinking that your kids won't resent you when you're old and decrepit and need their help! You're just another flawed human, and not likely to get any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being an adult now, what do you wish your father would have chosen to do with your mom or the marriage back when you were a child?

I wish he divorced, sent her back to her parents (we all lived with his mom, not in the U.S.) and we would stay with him and grandma. Her parents didn’t want her though, I think (they were a crazy wife plus enabler themselves). So i understand it wasn’t very feasible.

what he could also do is leave her after both of us kids left the house. She inherited her parents’ house so she could go there or she could stay and he would go there.

Or, maybe he could stand up to some of her really crazy rituals and hoarding?

Not really sure. I realize it was hard to do something once he knew she was crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Seems like you haven't grown up and still harbor unreasonable resentment. Your parents don't owe you a perfect childhood and a perfect marriage. Even if you believe neither was a good parent, you need to let go of the fact that he's ever going to acknowledge that. Now he's in decline. Yes, we're all going to get like this, OP. Even you.

Compartmentalization is key. Deal with the immediate practical problems, and try not to think about who this person really is. Help as little or as much as you want. No one's winning any medals over this. Only you can determine what you're ready to give. But don't make the mistake of thinking that your kids won't resent you when you're old and decrepit and need their help! You're just another flawed human, and not likely to get any better.

I know my kids are going to resent me. Unless of course I stay useful and die before getting crazy and needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being an adult now, what do you wish your father would have chosen to do with your mom or the marriage back when you were a child?

I wish he divorced, sent her back to her parents (we all lived with his mom, not in the U.S.) and we would stay with him and grandma. Her parents didn’t want her though, I think (they were a crazy wife plus enabler themselves). So i understand it wasn’t very feasible.

what he could also do is leave her after both of us kids left the house. She inherited her parents’ house so she could go there or she could stay and he would go there.

Or, maybe he could stand up to some of her really crazy rituals and hoarding?

Not really sure. I realize it was hard to do something once he knew she was crazy.

You do understand that she was mentally ill and could not help herself? There's very little a spouse can do, except protect their kids. It's heart-wrenching, because a husband or wife does have a duty of care towards the other, especially if there's illness.

I have a borderline hoarder husband. I believe hoarding is rooted in anxiety, ADHD and autism: it means he cannot triage and sort his stuff, and instead of throwing all of it away (which would be one option), his anxiety and mental rigidity makes him hold on to a lot of it. I contain the mess to the basement and the agreement is that I'm allowed to throw away any hoarding that creeps out. The kids don't mind, because the rest of the house is fine - I clean it.

The rituals are OCD. OCD and hoarding are nearly impossible to treat. You can give anxiety meds to these patients, meds for the ADHD, but you can't medicate away the autism. Therapy is helpful only if they accept that they have a problem, and most of them don't.

One of my kids has OCD, ADHD and autism too. I hope he doesn't grow up to hoard like his father. I've tried to model how to triage and sort and throw stuff away. So far so good, but with the pressures of adult life, who knows what he'll become. Hoarders gets worse as they age.

I hope you can let go of the resentment, OP. Your father was up against something he couldn't fix or properly deal with. That's not entirely his fault. Now he's a pain to deal with, which has little to do with your childhood, but everything to do with elderly decline. Protect yourself by outsourcing as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being an adult now, what do you wish your father would have chosen to do with your mom or the marriage back when you were a child?

I wish he divorced, sent her back to her parents (we all lived with his mom, not in the U.S.) and we would stay with him and grandma. Her parents didn’t want her though, I think (they were a crazy wife plus enabler themselves). So i understand it wasn’t very feasible.

what he could also do is leave her after both of us kids left the house. She inherited her parents’ house so she could go there or she could stay and he would go there.

Or, maybe he could stand up to some of her really crazy rituals and hoarding?

Not really sure. I realize it was hard to do something once he knew she was crazy.

Nice wish list, but impractical.

Talk with any divorce attorney and they’d tell you getting 100% legal and physical custody is impossible in all 50/50 coparenting states. Courts don’t care about mental illness or mental disordered parents.

In U.S. court system:
Parent rights and time >>> Children’s rights, health, safety, development

The dysfunctional parent will get the kids half time unless they legally, or in practice, give up their 50% custody time.

Surely you know this OP? Your father may have looked into it as well. Many times. Or he may have lived in a state and era where mothers got the kids no matter what. Then what Op?

What are you really angry about here? Your father had nothing but bad options. You marry an unwell person and have kids you are tethered for life.

[Anonymous]

Yes he could have left her after you graduated.

Then she’d come to you for every need she had.