Anger towards enabler parent

[Anonymous]

I’ll try to make it short. Grew up with a mentally ill mom who was low key abusive (hoarding is one example) and an enabler dad. I used to feel very bad for him as I saw him as exploited by mom, loved him and considered very smart. I think it may have been some sort of emotional incest on his part as I saw him as “one of us against the evil witch mother”.
Anyway, at 18 I saw him for what he was - a weak enabler who couldn’t protect us kids - moved out at 19, and left town altogether at 25. Mother always gatekept access to him so I didn’t talk to him much for over 2 decades.
My mother finally died a few years ago and I moved my dad closer to me. He is now 80, lives close and needs a lot of low key help like dr appointments or administering meds or cleaning so I can’t help but see him every few days.

The problem is that I can’t get over the anger I feel towards him. Apparently after my mother died I had some sort of childish hopes of reconnecting with the dad I had when I was a child, the one I adored and considered the smartest man on earth. He is a shallow, egotistic man who is afraid of everything, full of crazy conspiracy theories. Idk if I overestimated his intelligence or if he is just old, but there is nobody to reconnect with.
My sibling who helps out with money doesnt do day to day care feels the same btw.

I’ve been in therapy before and of course the issue of parents did come up but it was years ago. I don’t want to do therapy again. I am looking for similar experiences and maybe you can share your words of wisdom with me.

I don’t see him more than 30 mins per day but even that is becoming too much. I can probably have him administer the meds himself, that way I’ll see him maybe once or twice a week, but not sure it’s going to help. I am already trying to avoid any meaningful conversation but I still manage to get irritated!

[Anonymous]

I think your idea of having him do his own medication is a good one. It's not a whole fix by any means but it may give you enough bandwidth to figure out what route you want to take.

Besides therapy, you might want to consider if you have any friends with hurtfully disappointing parents. Your sibling maybe too could be a source of commiseration and helpful ideas. I find writing helps clarify my thoughts.

Good luck. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Anonymous]

If you dont want to be egotistical yourself find a way to care for him while also acknowledging he was never the parent you needed.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I opened this post because my mom is also mentally ill, and my dad was also an enabler, but I don't think we are in the same situation since my dad is generally a nice person, just exceedingly passive and unassertive and without the strength of character to stand up for his kids. He's pleasant enough and normal to talk to. In light of that, I've decided to put aside the past and maintain a friendly but not super close relationship with him (we do holidays, birthdays, and lunch maybe once a month, either me or my son stop in briefly once a week on the weekend to help him with some household tasks). I'm happy with this choice, but if my dad were an egotistical conspiracy theorist, I would not do this.

[Anonymous]

You just have to let it go.

[Anonymous]

You know, this is why CNAs and home health aids exist. Hire one to help your dad with this stuff and stop trying to martyr yourself. Problem solved. You are welcome.

[Anonymous]

The past history is one thing, the current situation is another. Many adults find it well-nigh impossible to care for an elder, even if they had an idyllic relationship with them before, OP. Instead of blaming everything on the parental dynamics, focus on how to discharge yourself from caregiving duties.

Also, age is making your father worse than he was before. Confused people in cognitive decline tend to get caught up in weird beliefs and have reduced emotional control. He wasn't always like this. Now he is. Accept it. You will change too, for the worse. A lot of stuff you complain about regarding your parents will happen to YOU. Do you want your children to write what you just wrote?

So approach this from a practical perspective and forbear from judging, instead of torturing yourself with resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you dont want to be egotistical yourself find a way to care for him while also acknowledging he was never the parent you needed.

That’s what I want to do. I mean I am not going to abandon him physically but I need to figure out a way to speak to him calmly at least (without any aggravation).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I opened this post because my mom is also mentally ill, and my dad was also an enabler, but I don't think we are in the same situation since my dad is generally a nice person, just exceedingly passive and unassertive and without the strength of character to stand up for his kids. He's pleasant enough and normal to talk to. In light of that, I've decided to put aside the past and maintain a friendly but not super close relationship with him (we do holidays, birthdays, and lunch maybe once a month, either me or my son stop in briefly once a week on the weekend to help him with some household tasks). I'm happy with this choice, but if my dad were an egotistical conspiracy theorist, I would not do this.

Thank you for sharing your experience. My dad is nice on the surface but once you get to know him better (like I did after years of barely any contact which btw he wasn’t unhappy about, or at least he never showed he wanted more of my company until he became dependent on me) he is, well, not so nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, this is why CNAs and home health aids exist. Hire one to help your dad with this stuff and stop trying to martyr yourself. Problem solved. You are welcome.

Neither of us has the money, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The past history is one thing, the current situation is another. Many adults find it well-nigh impossible to care for an elder, even if they had an idyllic relationship with them before, OP. Instead of blaming everything on the parental dynamics, focus on how to discharge yourself from caregiving duties.

Also, age is making your father worse than he was before. Confused people in cognitive decline tend to get caught up in weird beliefs and have reduced emotional control. He wasn't always like this. Now he is. Accept it. You will change too, for the worse. A lot of stuff you complain about regarding your parents will happen to YOU. Do you want your children to write what you just wrote?

So approach this from a practical perspective and forbear from judging, instead of torturing yourself with resentment.

I think he always put on airs about his intelligence and erudition, tbh. Yes there is some age related damage too. I don’t think it matters very much, but what I’m trying to say is that he has never really been a great parent or a person of great character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The past history is one thing, the current situation is another. Many adults find it well-nigh impossible to care for an elder, even if they had an idyllic relationship with them before, OP. Instead of blaming everything on the parental dynamics, focus on how to discharge yourself from caregiving duties.

Also, age is making your father worse than he was before. Confused people in cognitive decline tend to get caught up in weird beliefs and have reduced emotional control. He wasn't always like this. Now he is. Accept it. You will change too, for the worse. A lot of stuff you complain about regarding your parents will happen to YOU. Do you want your children to write what you just wrote?

So approach this from a practical perspective and forbear from judging, instead of torturing yourself with resentment.

Me again. I'm giving you tough love, because I have a similar situation. My mother was verbally abusive and hyper-controlling, and my father just let her do whatever she wanted. I escaped at 22, across the Atlantic. I cut them off for a while, but we have since reconnected. Now the tables are reversed - my mother in her old age has mellowed, and my father is in cognitive decline and has developed anger issues. They're both unreasonable and seem incapable of acting in their best interests, which is quite common in the elderly.

I am aware that I, too, will grow old and be very imperfect. So I am focused on caring for the physical ailments of my parents, as much as I can while keeping my health and sanity, without letting the past intrude on our current relationship. They are who they are. And ultimately, I have accepted that this is OK.

[Anonymous]

I have a codependent mother who enables my narcissistic father. I’ve been going through the grief process of accepting that she is not capable of having a healthy, functioning relationship. It’s not easy. I’ve realized that even though each parent has very different maladaptive personality disorders, both are rooted in a deep insecurity and inability to properly empathize with others. Accepting this was the first step to healing! I recommend seeking the support, love, and validation you want from your father from friends, siblings, or other people that are able to have healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

You need to try to like him. You constantly are comparing him against what you knew as a child. Get over all of that nonsense, seriously. Instead of going with a hate filled heart go with a mindset of care and love. Find ways to connect right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The past history is one thing, the current situation is another. Many adults find it well-nigh impossible to care for an elder, even if they had an idyllic relationship with them before, OP. Instead of blaming everything on the parental dynamics, focus on how to discharge yourself from caregiving duties.

Also, age is making your father worse than he was before. Confused people in cognitive decline tend to get caught up in weird beliefs and have reduced emotional control. He wasn't always like this. Now he is. Accept it. You will change too, for the worse. A lot of stuff you complain about regarding your parents will happen to YOU. Do you want your children to write what you just wrote?

So approach this from a practical perspective and forbear from judging, instead of torturing yourself with resentment.

Me again. I'm giving you tough love, because I have a similar situation. My mother was verbally abusive and hyper-controlling, and my father just let her do whatever she wanted. I escaped at 22, across the Atlantic. I cut them off for a while, but we have since reconnected. Now the tables are reversed - my mother in her old age has mellowed, and my father is in cognitive decline and has developed anger issues. They're both unreasonable and seem incapable of acting in their best interests, which is quite common in the elderly.

I am aware that I, too, will grow old and be very imperfect. So I am focused on caring for the physical ailments of my parents, as much as I can while keeping my health and sanity, without letting the past intrude on our current relationship. They are who they are. And ultimately, I have accepted that this is OK.

I understand they are still across the Atlantic from you? Your feelings may change if you are ever physically close to them and see them often.