Spouse avoiding discussions about RIFs and next steps

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been in the system for 37 years and have seen these things come and go. Even though I don't know your DH's particular situation, in most cases, these things come and go without getting RIFed. Your encouragement (when he is already under a lot of stress) won't do him any good at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Listen, I know you are stressed about this job situation. It totally sucks and it isn’t your fault. But I need you to think through some options that might make sense for us logistically and financially. It is really hard for me to listen to you discuss things like selling art or being a DJ. That is something we should totally consider once we have enough saved for retirement and college and the kids are launched. But right now, I think you need to look at what jobs are out there with a steady paycheck and health benefits.”

I would not like to be talked to that way with the multiple "you need to" statements.

I personally would prefer more along the lines of "how can I help you navigate this?"

Fair enough that you can change the language a bit, but I’m personally not mollycoddling my husband and entertaining some “maybe I can be a DJ nonsense.” And I’m a wife that makes 75-90% of our income each year and carries the health insurance. I’m fine with that, but my husband has a legitimate business in which he has expertise. If he came to me tomorrow with some “I want to work for the circus nonsense”, I would probably just laugh and be like “nope.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s in shock. Many of us Feds have been living in a heightened state of stress since January. The job market for most of us is brutal. Give him some grace.

Grace … does not pay the mortgage.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. I’ve been laid off before and in one case, pushed out by an abusive supervisor. Because if those experiences, I pretty much have always had a Plan B, even working part time jobs after my full time just to know I had something else. So, I’m doing my best to be understanding and patient. I get it. I think I just need to HEAR something more realistic from someone who has a great network (he’s already been offered some terrific consulting work if he wants it) other than selling art or DJ’ing raves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. I’ve been laid off before and in one case, pushed out by an abusive supervisor. Because if those experiences, I pretty much have always had a Plan B, even working part time jobs after my full time just to know I had something else. So, I’m doing my best to be understanding and patient. I get it. I think I just need to HEAR something more realistic from someone who has a great network (he’s already been offered some terrific consulting work if he wants it) other than selling art or DJ’ing raves.

Right now his dreams cost you nothing. There will severance if he is RIF’ed, and you say he has a good network. That will literally buy you time. Plus, he may not be RIF’ed - no need to make a move out of anxiety right now.

Encourage him to download his SF-50, emails with praise from his boss, and annual reviews. But that’s all he needs to do right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get him to update his resume now. Ask him to make sure he has whatever documents he would want to have if he were escorted out of the building with no notice. So things like his SF 50, his performance reviews, his position, description, and whatever else he is allowed to have. He can take notes about things he’s worked on and projects he’s been involved in, so that if he ever needs to talk about those things later on, he can. If he gets on top of those things, he will be in much better shape if a RIF actually happens, and since he still has his job, the psychological pressure will be less now than later on.

Signed,
RIFfed former fed

This. Then let the rest go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s in shock. Many of us Feds have been living in a heightened state of stress since January. The job market for most of us is brutal. Give him some grace.

Grace … does not pay the mortgage.

He still has a job and OP says they can manage on her income. No need to be so dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s in shock. Many of us Feds have been living in a heightened state of stress since January. The job market for most of us is brutal. Give him some grace.

Grace … does not pay the mortgage.

He will get paid admin leave and severance if a RIF happens. THAT will pay the mortgage for months if the worst occurs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been in the system for 37 years and have seen these things come and go. Even though I don't know your DH's particular situation, in most cases, these things come and go without getting RIFed. Your encouragement (when he is already under a lot of stress) won't do him any good at this point.

You have not seen anything remotely like this happen in your career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. I’ve been laid off before and in one case, pushed out by an abusive supervisor. Because if those experiences, I pretty much have always had a Plan B, even working part time jobs after my full time just to know I had something else. So, I’m doing my best to be understanding and patient. I get it. I think I just need to HEAR something more realistic from someone who has a great network (he’s already been offered some terrific consulting work if he wants it) other than selling art or DJ’ing raves.

So it sounds like he has a plan b...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Listen, I know you are stressed about this job situation. It totally sucks and it isn’t your fault. But I need you to think through some options that might make sense for us logistically and financially. It is really hard for me to listen to you discuss things like selling art or being a DJ. That is something we should totally consider once we have enough saved for retirement and college and the kids are launched. But right now, I think you need to look at what jobs are out there with a steady paycheck and health benefits.”

I would not like to be talked to that way with the multiple "you need to" statements.

I personally would prefer more along the lines of "how can I help you navigate this?"

Fair enough that you can change the language a bit, but I’m personally not mollycoddling my husband and entertaining some “maybe I can be a DJ nonsense.” And I’m a wife that makes 75-90% of our income each year and carries the health insurance. I’m fine with that, but my husband has a legitimate business in which he has expertise. If he came to me tomorrow with some “I want to work for the circus nonsense”, I would probably just laugh and be like “nope.”

If push comes to shove, there's nothing you can do to make him act. Your scolding will just make him dig in his heels. You're going to divorce a guy who go laid off? Great idea, have fun paying him big bucks in spousal and child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been in the system for 37 years and have seen these things come and go. Even though I don't know your DH's particular situation, in most cases, these things come and go without getting RIFed. Your encouragement (when he is already under a lot of stress) won't do him any good at this point.

You have not seen anything remotely like this happen in your career.

I have sadly. Also, I am still in the system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. I’ve been laid off before and in one case, pushed out by an abusive supervisor. Because if those experiences, I pretty much have always had a Plan B, even working part time jobs after my full time just to know I had something else. So, I’m doing my best to be understanding and patient. I get it. I think I just need to HEAR something more realistic from someone who has a great network (he’s already been offered some terrific consulting work if he wants it) other than selling art or DJ’ing raves.

OP, a lot of us are freaking out because our plan Bs are getting destroyed by this admin too. And our plan Cs. Let him fantasize about DJing as a coping mechanism for a bit. You can do that AND consult or substitute teach or bartend or whatever.

[Anonymous]

He should also have a contact list of people to network with. Even if he has to hand write names emails and phone numbers on a psd of paper.

[Anonymous]

First of all please show compassion for your husband this is a truly difficult time. My husband and I are both Feds and we both know nagging each other won’t help right now.

Since you’re the one experiencing anxiety over this, offer to do some of the lift— ask him to send you his most recent resume so you can make sure it’s in great shape. AFTER you have taken something off his plate, you can put something on: ask him to reach out to one of the many career coaches in this area offering free sessions to displaced Feds. That will give someone professional a chance to hear and shape the “dreams”.