Need advice about dealing with young adult kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All boys. One had issues with grades in high school but graduated. The other one had perfect grades in high school. Both partied alot in college. We gave them too many chances to get through college before we stopped funding.

You stopped paying for college before they could graduate? Were they on track to graduate? Please explain. The worst thing a parent can do is make a child believe college is attainable, and cut them of short of a degree. It's the degree that matters to hiring managers, not the way it was earned, with ease or with much difficulty. Not having a college degree shuts them out of a lot of earning potential. You might just have shot yourself in the foot there.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for what you are going through.

Not all kids are self-motivated and become self-independent early on. So for such kids the end results are always better if the parents remain engaged and guide them for longer than age 18.

Some young adult kids also need the hand holding and more intensive adulting skill lessons. Leaving them to their fate in their teens, 20s or even early 30s - does not bode well for them. Some kids do need the guardrails and training wheels for a long time. The pay-off is that they become productive members of society who can then have the rest of their adult milestones - job, career, financial independence, marriage, kids, home etc.

I do not know what you can do at this stage of their life. Your ACs do not seem to have the relationship of trust with you where they will appreciate whatever guidance you could give. I think 50% fail rate is pretty much indicative of how much "hands off" parenting you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for what you are going through.

Not all kids are self-motivated and become self-independent early on. So for such kids the end results are always better if the parents remain engaged and guide them for longer than age 18.

Some young adult kids also need the hand holding and more intensive adulting skill lessons. Leaving them to their fate in their teens, 20s or even early 30s - does not bode well for them. Some kids do need the guardrails and training wheels for a long time. The pay-off is that they become productive members of society who can then have the rest of their adult milestones - job, career, financial independence, marriage, kids, home etc.

I do not know what you can do at this stage of their life. Your ACs do not seem to have the relationship of trust with you where they will appreciate whatever guidance you could give. I think 50% fail rate is pretty much indicative of how much "hands off" parenting you did.

It would be interesting to hear about OP from her kids. If you're correct, maybe the successful kids will say that they appreciate their parents paid for college, but that they received little guidance on anything and are glad they were just born pretty functional to begin with; and the ones who did not graduate will be bitter that due to lack of parental intervention early on, they were left to make easily avoidable mistakes and then suddenly the rug was pulled from under them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for what you are going through.

Not all kids are self-motivated and become self-independent early on. So for such kids the end results are always better if the parents remain engaged and guide them for longer than age 18.

Some young adult kids also need the hand holding and more intensive adulting skill lessons. Leaving them to their fate in their teens, 20s or even early 30s - does not bode well for them. Some kids do need the guardrails and training wheels for a long time. The pay-off is that they become productive members of society who can then have the rest of their adult milestones - job, career, financial independence, marriage, kids, home etc.

I do not know what you can do at this stage of their life. Your ACs do not seem to have the relationship of trust with you where they will appreciate whatever guidance you could give. I think 50% fail rate is pretty much indicative of how much "hands off" parenting you did.

The jerks are out full force tonight.
I believe so, so much is luck and genetics. Mine that I was most hands on parenting with is my least successful, failure to launch kid. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can their saner brothers step in and straighten them out, or is there too much sibling rivalry?

This just isn’t their job, and doesn’t set the right tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for what you are going through.

Not all kids are self-motivated and become self-independent early on. So for such kids the end results are always better if the parents remain engaged and guide them for longer than age 18.

Some young adult kids also need the hand holding and more intensive adulting skill lessons. Leaving them to their fate in their teens, 20s or even early 30s - does not bode well for them. Some kids do need the guardrails and training wheels for a long time. The pay-off is that they become productive members of society who can then have the rest of their adult milestones - job, career, financial independence, marriage, kids, home etc.

I do not know what you can do at this stage of their life. Your ACs do not seem to have the relationship of trust with you where they will appreciate whatever guidance you could give. I think 50% fail rate is pretty much indicative of how much "hands off" parenting you did.

Have you tried “hand-holding” a child in their 20s and 30s? Most really resist and there isn’t much you can do about it once they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All boys. One had issues with grades in high school but graduated. The other one had perfect grades in high school. Both partied alot in college. We gave them too many chances to get through college before we stopped funding.

You stopped paying for college before they could graduate? Were they on track to graduate? Please explain. The worst thing a parent can do is make a child believe college is attainable, and cut them of short of a degree. It's the degree that matters to hiring managers, not the way it was earned, with ease or with much difficulty. Not having a college degree shuts them out of a lot of earning potential. You might just have shot yourself in the foot there.

We just couldn’t afford to continue to pay for semesters that they wouldn’t show up to class, etc. After 5.5 years, we just had to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All boys. One had issues with grades in high school but graduated. The other one had perfect grades in high school. Both partied alot in college. We gave them too many chances to get through college before we stopped funding.

You stopped paying for college before they could graduate? Were they on track to graduate? Please explain. The worst thing a parent can do is make a child believe college is attainable, and cut them of short of a degree. It's the degree that matters to hiring managers, not the way it was earned, with ease or with much difficulty. Not having a college degree shuts them out of a lot of earning potential. You might just have shot yourself in the foot there.

We just couldn’t afford to continue to pay for semesters that they wouldn’t show up to class, etc. After 5.5 years, we just had to be done.

And they wouldn't show up because they were partying? Are these your two oldest, by any chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for what you are going through.

Not all kids are self-motivated and become self-independent early on. So for such kids the end results are always better if the parents remain engaged and guide them for longer than age 18.

Some young adult kids also need the hand holding and more intensive adulting skill lessons. Leaving them to their fate in their teens, 20s or even early 30s - does not bode well for them. Some kids do need the guardrails and training wheels for a long time. The pay-off is that they become productive members of society who can then have the rest of their adult milestones - job, career, financial independence, marriage, kids, home etc.

I do not know what you can do at this stage of their life. Your ACs do not seem to have the relationship of trust with you where they will appreciate whatever guidance you could give. I think 50% fail rate is pretty much indicative of how much "hands off" parenting you did.

It would be interesting to hear about OP from her kids. If you're correct, maybe the successful kids will say that they appreciate their parents paid for college, but that they received little guidance on anything and are glad they were just born pretty functional to begin with; and the ones who did not graduate will be bitter that due to lack of parental intervention early on, they were left to make easily avoidable mistakes and then suddenly the rug was pulled from under them.

We were equally involved with all 4 all through school. The less functional boys just saw college as a good time. We had a nice relationship until we started to set boundaries where money is concerned. Our other boys are self sufficient, but will ask for advice from time to time. They seem very happy and proud to be doing things on their own. We love all our kids and hope to get past some of this drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for what you are going through.

Not all kids are self-motivated and become self-independent early on. So for such kids the end results are always better if the parents remain engaged and guide them for longer than age 18.

Some young adult kids also need the hand holding and more intensive adulting skill lessons. Leaving them to their fate in their teens, 20s or even early 30s - does not bode well for them. Some kids do need the guardrails and training wheels for a long time. The pay-off is that they become productive members of society who can then have the rest of their adult milestones - job, career, financial independence, marriage, kids, home etc.

I do not know what you can do at this stage of their life. Your ACs do not seem to have the relationship of trust with you where they will appreciate whatever guidance you could give. I think 50% fail rate is pretty much indicative of how much "hands off" parenting you did.

Have you tried “hand-holding” a child in their 20s and 30s? Most really resist and there isn’t much you can do about it once they are adults.

PP meant that the issues might have been identifiable years earlier, to an informed observer, and treated while the kids were still young and able to change. I thought PP actually wrote a great post. I have found it true for my kids. One of them has ADHD and autism, and will need support for much longer than the other. It's not his fault he was born that way: we gave him those genes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for what you are going through.

Not all kids are self-motivated and become self-independent early on. So for such kids the end results are always better if the parents remain engaged and guide them for longer than age 18.

Some young adult kids also need the hand holding and more intensive adulting skill lessons. Leaving them to their fate in their teens, 20s or even early 30s - does not bode well for them. Some kids do need the guardrails and training wheels for a long time. The pay-off is that they become productive members of society who can then have the rest of their adult milestones - job, career, financial independence, marriage, kids, home etc.

I do not know what you can do at this stage of their life. Your ACs do not seem to have the relationship of trust with you where they will appreciate whatever guidance you could give. I think 50% fail rate is pretty much indicative of how much "hands off" parenting you did.

It would be interesting to hear about OP from her kids. If you're correct, maybe the successful kids will say that they appreciate their parents paid for college, but that they received little guidance on anything and are glad they were just born pretty functional to begin with; and the ones who did not graduate will be bitter that due to lack of parental intervention early on, they were left to make easily avoidable mistakes and then suddenly the rug was pulled from under them.

We were equally involved with all 4 all through school. The less functional boys just saw college as a good time. We had a nice relationship until we started to set boundaries where money is concerned. Our other boys are self sufficient, but will ask for advice from time to time. They seem very happy and proud to be doing things on their own. We love all our kids and hope to get past some of this drama.

Do you suspect the less functional ones have ADHD or something else? Please bear in mind that people with untreated diagnoses often self-medicate with alcohol and/or drugs.

[Anonymous]

You tried your best but it didn't work out. Now they are adult, there isn't much you can do but being a parent you are still tied to worry about them and being made bad guy if you don't meet their needs.

First of all, let go of your guilt. You can't fix life for them.
Second, they aren't necessarily a lost cause as some people are late bloomers. They may not build lives you want them to have but they can still grow and improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for what you are going through.

Not all kids are self-motivated and become self-independent early on. So for such kids the end results are always better if the parents remain engaged and guide them for longer than age 18.

Some young adult kids also need the hand holding and more intensive adulting skill lessons. Leaving them to their fate in their teens, 20s or even early 30s - does not bode well for them. Some kids do need the guardrails and training wheels for a long time. The pay-off is that they become productive members of society who can then have the rest of their adult milestones - job, career, financial independence, marriage, kids, home etc.

I do not know what you can do at this stage of their life. Your ACs do not seem to have the relationship of trust with you where they will appreciate whatever guidance you could give. I think 50% fail rate is pretty much indicative of how much "hands off" parenting you did.

Have you tried “hand-holding” a child in their 20s and 30s? Most really resist and there isn’t much you can do about it once they are adults.

PP meant that the issues might have been identifiable years earlier, to an informed observer, and treated while the kids were still young and able to change. I thought PP actually wrote a great post. I have found it true for my kids. One of them has ADHD and autism, and will need support for much longer than the other. It's not his fault he was born that way: we gave him those genes!

PP’s post was not well intentioned as indicated by their last sentence.
Everyone here seems to think therapy is the cure all but my child has done therapy for years and it hasn’t made a difference. We’ve done executive skills functioning classes. We’ve done a ton of stuff but until they’re ready to buy into it, it doesn’t help. So I think you’re over estimating how much parenting impacts it if a kid just truly isn’t on board. It’s just way too easy to blame the mom.

[Anonymous]

You & your husband are doing great.
Possibly push back on the financial support for those two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All boys. One had issues with grades in high school but graduated. The other one had perfect grades in high school. Both partied alot in college. We gave them too many chances to get through college before we stopped funding.

You stopped paying for college before they could graduate? Were they on track to graduate? Please explain. The worst thing a parent can do is make a child believe college is attainable, and cut them of short of a degree. It's the degree that matters to hiring managers, not the way it was earned, with ease or with much difficulty. Not having a college degree shuts them out of a lot of earning potential. You might just have shot yourself in the foot there.

We just couldn’t afford to continue to pay for semesters that they wouldn’t show up to class, etc. After 5.5 years, we just had to be done.

This is hard because the flunking out of college occurred so long ago. Could you offer to pay for them to finish their degrees one or two classes at a time and they must pass?

I hate to say it but 5.5 years was a really, really long time to enable that behavior. I think if kid is not doing well after 1-2 semesters, it's reasonable to have a sit down, come to Jesus discussion, at that point giving them 1 semester to turn it around. If they don't and have no money, can offer them to come home, enroll locally or get involved in a trade, and get a part time job. I do think some 19 year olds can fall through the cracks with drinking, drugs, and mental health issues. If a kid is not particularly self-motivated and confident with who they are, it can make a huge difference in their futures for the parents to be remain heavily involved for those years.