Need advice about dealing with young adult kids

[Anonymous]

DH and I have four kids. We paid for college for all of them. Two graduated from college and two did not. The two that did are living in other big cities and have effectively launched. We have a very nice relationship with both. We are close, but careful to have a healthy relationship with them. We don’t offer unsolicited advice. We respect that they are grownups. It’s been a nice transition.

The two that did not graduate are still struggling and floundering. They are now 28 and 30. Neither can keep a job for very long. It is never their fault. They are not responsible about bill paying and credit scores, etc. We know this because they continue to have their mail sent to our house. They do not live with us, but do ask for financial help from time to time. We almost always gently say no. We will not co-sign leases and cars, because they are just not responsible. When we say no, we usually get some type of drama and angry outburst. We won’t engage when they act disrespectfully. It can be exhausting to deal with them. Their chaotic lives and dramatic outbursts really stress us out. I guess my question is how do you stop letting their chaos stress you out? At this age, we feel strongly that our role should be cheering them on and not enabling them.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Is this new behavior or did you see signs of executive function difficulties in high school? What made college difficult?

What led to their difficulties would impact my sense of responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, males or females?

[Anonymous]

If they text you, just don't respond if it's about money related help

[Anonymous]

Is this for real? You had two of each kind? What is the kids’ relationships with each other?

[Anonymous]

OP here. All boys. One had issues with grades in high school but graduated. The other one had perfect grades in high school. Both partied alot in college. We gave them too many chances to get through college before we stopped funding.

[Anonymous]

Can their saner brothers step in and straighten them out, or is there too much sibling rivalry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All boys. One had issues with grades in high school but graduated. The other one had perfect grades in high school. Both partied alot in college. We gave them too many chances to get through college before we stopped funding.

I think you need to ask yourself very seriously if they have a drinking or drug use problem, in the present.

[Anonymous]

You created this problem. You are enabling the continuation of the problem. If you really had sent a message that they could not come to you for a handout, it would have stopped long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All boys. One had issues with grades in high school but graduated. The other one had perfect grades in high school. Both partied alot in college. We gave them too many chances to get through college before we stopped funding.

I think you need to ask yourself very seriously if they have a drinking or drug use problem, in the present.

What would you suggest she does if they do? They are 28 and 30. Get real.

[Anonymous]

I am just going to read what other people suggest. I would be very tempted to never ever initiate any contact with these two and just concentrate on on the good eggs, but I am not sure it’s realistic.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're handling it great! Not enabling, being kind, setting limits for what you'll do, but not trying to fix/solve/give unsolicited advice.

Keep on keeping on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All boys. One had issues with grades in high school but graduated. The other one had perfect grades in high school. Both partied alot in college. We gave them too many chances to get through college before we stopped funding.

I think you need to ask yourself very seriously if they have a drinking or drug use problem, in the present.

What would you suggest she does if they do? They are 28 and 30. Get real.

Well, she could at least offer to help them seek treatment. Obviously they have to want it for themselves but she could still be helpful.

But it's also just a way to understand what is going on so it won't feel like a mystery, and she could seek a support group or therapist for her own coping.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. Really appreciate the thoughts. Our kids get along fine but aren’t particularly close. They text, etc but don’t spend a lot of time together. As for substance issues, it’s possible. They are both pretty sure that they do everything right. I floated the idea of therapy and one got irritated and one ignored me. We honestly haven’t provided much monetary assistance. I just have a lot of anxiety that they won’t be able to keep living on their own and what then? My DH and I just hate the drama and foolishly thought we would be done with it by this time and their lives.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever wonder whether the two that struggle have ADHD or other mental health disorders? If that's the case, they won't ever get their act together without intervention by someone. In your shoes, I would offer to pay for a psychological assessment to see of there's any targeted treatment that can improve their lives. "Therapy" is all very well, but it can't replace medication and cannot replace targeted behavioral coaching to address whatever specific issues they have.