Co-owning the second home

[Anonymous]

The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

[Anonymous]

We have a set up like this, and it works well because we don’t quibble over stuff like this. One person takes on all the decorating stuff and the rest of us do a fair amount of making fun/griping about some of the choices but everyone just sucks it up and pays their share.

At the point you aren’t willing to go along to get along, you have to just get out of it. Give the other people as much runway as you can so they can figure out if they can buy you out. Do an appraisal.

There’s no way you can be a hard ass about stuff like a dining room table and have it work out. This kind of arrangement has to be well lubricated by goodwill and forgiveness. If you think you can write stern emails to bring everyone into compliance with your version of correct behavior, it’s over.

Shared expenses at a beach house aren’t going to be agreed upon in advance. When you’re there and the a/c is broken, no one wants to send three quotes to their nephew and wait for his reply. You just get stuff done. Things need replacing all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Co-owning a summer/weekend house like this is the end of so many family relationships. It is always a tension point, at best.

Can you afford to pay for 1/2 of the furniture? If so, just do it. If you literally can't afford it -- it will seriously harm you financially -- then that is the answer. "We can't afford this kind of expensive furniture and decor. We can't pay for half of this. You chose to do this, and we would not have agreed to it if you had included it in the expense accounting for the year." You didn't say in your OP that you can't afford it though ... which I'm guessing you would have if that is the case? In which case there is just a lot of judgment around the choice to spend so much? If that is so, just pay for half to maintain the relationship.

Oh, and if you sell to them? NO DISCOUNT. Sell to them for FMV only.

So you allow people - family - to lie to you and take advantage of you, and only push back if it will "seriously harm your finances?" DO whatever you want, but I hope OP and her husband have enough sense, and self respect, to draw the line well before that.

You are way overreacting to what I wrote, for who knows what reason. Not sure why you think there are "lies" involved here. Bottom line is that if you have plenty of money, you don't let something like this blow up. It is not worth it (and could end up costing you more than 1/2 the cost of the furniture would have).

No way. It doesn’t matter how much OP has. Not the point. Say no-nicely, firmly, clearly. Expenditures need to be approved in advance, especially something as discretionary as new furniture. Do not engage in argument. It wasn’t on the list, no reimbursement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Co-owning a summer/weekend house like this is the end of so many family relationships. It is always a tension point, at best.

Can you afford to pay for 1/2 of the furniture? If so, just do it. If you literally can't afford it -- it will seriously harm you financially -- then that is the answer. "We can't afford this kind of expensive furniture and decor. We can't pay for half of this. You chose to do this, and we would not have agreed to it if you had included it in the expense accounting for the year." You didn't say in your OP that you can't afford it though ... which I'm guessing you would have if that is the case? In which case there is just a lot of judgment around the choice to spend so much? If that is so, just pay for half to maintain the relationship.

Oh, and if you sell to them? NO DISCOUNT. Sell to them for FMV only.

So you allow people - family - to lie to you and take advantage of you, and only push back if it will "seriously harm your finances?" DO whatever you want, but I hope OP and her husband have enough sense, and self respect, to draw the line well before that.

You are way overreacting to what I wrote, for who knows what reason. Not sure why you think there are "lies" involved here. Bottom line is that if you have plenty of money, you don't let something like this blow up. It is not worth it (and could end up costing you more than 1/2 the cost of the furniture would have).

No way. It doesn’t matter how much OP has. Not the point. Say no-nicely, firmly, clearly. Expenditures need to be approved in advance, especially something as discretionary as new furniture. Do not engage in argument. It wasn’t on the list, no reimbursement.

DP, this is fine if you don’t want it to work out. You can use this approach with contractors and vendors and anyone else you don’t want to share a beach house with. But if you want to keep sharing the beach house, this is a very bad strategy.

It’s perfectly okay to just decide not to keep it. Maybe the uncle will buy them out. But if you want a shared vacation house like this to work, you all have to be willing to flex a lot.

If it really is too expensive for you, I think you can mention it. Say you’d like more input next time. The uncle can graciously agree that it’s an expensive table and withdraw the bill and just pay for the table himself. You will grumble that they are extravagant and they will grumble that you are a freeloader, but you can go on with a happy face.

But it will never work to approve all expenditures in advance. Houses need maintenance and stuff and nobody involved is on the payroll. Deciding what dining room table is “extravagant” is pretty arbitrary. OP thinks crate and barrel is fine, but why when there’s IKEA? What about when you need a stove, or a dishwasher, or a coffee maker? They’re supposed to coordinate/deal with all of that and also let OP be the arbiter of extravagance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Co-owning a summer/weekend house like this is the end of so many family relationships. It is always a tension point, at best.

Can you afford to pay for 1/2 of the furniture? If so, just do it. If you literally can't afford it -- it will seriously harm you financially -- then that is the answer. "We can't afford this kind of expensive furniture and decor. We can't pay for half of this. You chose to do this, and we would not have agreed to it if you had included it in the expense accounting for the year." You didn't say in your OP that you can't afford it though ... which I'm guessing you would have if that is the case? In which case there is just a lot of judgment around the choice to spend so much? If that is so, just pay for half to maintain the relationship.

Oh, and if you sell to them? NO DISCOUNT. Sell to them for FMV only.

So you allow people - family - to lie to you and take advantage of you, and only push back if it will "seriously harm your finances?" DO whatever you want, but I hope OP and her husband have enough sense, and self respect, to draw the line well before that.

You are way overreacting to what I wrote, for who knows what reason. Not sure why you think there are "lies" involved here. Bottom line is that if you have plenty of money, you don't let something like this blow up. It is not worth it (and could end up costing you more than 1/2 the cost of the furniture would have).

Not overreacting at all. You wrote that you would pay whatever was asked, just to maintain the relationship. I, and may others, think that's absurd.

Moreover, the OP wrote:

DH asked the uncle two months ago for the amount he should cut for the summer 2025 expenses, including a line item outline of the expenses. DH then cut the check and didn't think much more about it.

Today a copy of a bill arrives, indicating we need to reimburse for half the cost of new DR furniture. This was never discussed with us. And you can tell from the date on the bill that the uncle knew about this when he gave the summer 2025 expenses to DH. Basically, they want a more luxe set-up and want us to subsidize it.

OP's husband asked for the summer's expenses, they told him, and he paid them. After that, they purchased new furniture without seeking any input, even though from the date of the bill it's apparent that they knew about it when they listed the expenses in the first place. I don't know any other way to characterize that other than lying. Do you? And even giving them the benefit of the doubt and assuming it came up after the fact, they knew the summer expenses had already been paid. They could have asked the DH about it, but they chose not to. These people suck, and OP shouldn't continue to enable that behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP, as difficult as this is now, it's going to get a lot ore difficult soon. Your FIL is old, so presumably his brother is as well. After he either passes or gives up control, you'll be dealing with the adult children, and the problems will multiply. It's going to have to be sold soon enough - the question is, how long do you want to hang onto it.

[Anonymous]

If you can’t get out of this shared arrangement, then you need a written agreement that sets forth who will pay for what, who will be responsible for what tasks. what is the amount above which consent must be obtained prior to purchase, how many quotes will be required for major expenses, etc. it’s the only way to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We love going here every summer. Our kids have never missed a year and are now adults. If we didn’t, then DH would have sold it for his parents.

Yes, the uncle and family want us to sell to them, probably for a fraction of the cost.

So keep the memories, but if you don't get out of this, there will be more and more new miserable memories. Sadly I would consult with a lawyer about how to handle these situations and what to do if they refuse to buy you out at a reasonable price and refuse to sell.

It's so rare for family owned vacation homes work out well past the generation that bought them and even if it works, by the time the grandchildren are adults it could go horribly wrong.

[Anonymous]

I have a setup like this with my brother and it works well because I am he handles everything and I am happy just writing checks without worrying about the hassles. He only consults on really big ticket items like a new roof.

It works when both parties are consultative, or one is in the lead and the other is happy to go along. It doesn’t work when one is in the lead and the other is quibbling about furniture costs etc.

Sell the house. This is not going to work.

[Anonymous]

Are you going to need the cash from your FIL’s share of the house to pay for his dementia care? That’s where my mind goes.

Can FIL even still go and enjoy it?

[Anonymous]

Your DH either needs to get a lot more involved, or less involved. He can go to the house and walk through with his uncle and see what’s likely to need to be done in the coming years and they can split responsibilities for choosing items and handling purchase and delivery and whatnot.

Emergency expenses should always be fine without consultation (replacing a/c in summer, calling a plumber for any issues, etc).

Whay your DH should not do is wash his hands of the hands on responsibility and expect to be equally involved in each decision. Why did the uncle have to send all of the summer expenses? Why was he the one to have to consider the upcoming expenses, estimate them, do the leg work of getting things set up? The labor needs to be more equal if your DH wants more say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

Are you a doormat or one of those manipulative relatives always scamming your extended family?? This is horrible advice!

Thinking that you have to let things slide to keep a relationship is frankly a relationship not worth having. If you really think your uncle is going to end or change your relationship because you won’t pay for half of his wife’s shopping trip, then why they hell wouldyou want to be around these people?

Just say no! Your family is not there to bankroll his wife and daughters shopping trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a setup like this with my brother and it works well because I am he handles everything and I am happy just writing checks without worrying about the hassles. He only consults on really big ticket items like a new roof.

It works when both parties are consultative, or one is in the lead and the other is happy to go along. It doesn’t work when one is in the lead and the other is quibbling about furniture costs etc.

Sell the house. This is not going to work.

I would add it works when both have similar budgeting values. I could do this with my SIL as we have really similar be frugal but buy high quality at the lowest possible price mentality. I have another relative whom I could never do this with because she’d be redecorating on my dime constantly.

It is not quibbling to get a bill for a custom dining room redeco project that you didn’t agree to fund. I’d also advise DH to start looking back over the past five to seven years to see how many checks FIL was cutting to his uncle. Chances are good FIL was getting fleeced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a set up like this, and it works well because we don’t quibble over stuff like this. One person takes on all the decorating stuff and the rest of us do a fair amount of making fun/griping about some of the choices but everyone just sucks it up and pays their share.

At the point you aren’t willing to go along to get along, you have to just get out of it. Give the other people as much runway as you can so they can figure out if they can buy you out. Do an appraisal.

There’s no way you can be a hard ass about stuff like a dining room table and have it work out. This kind of arrangement has to be well lubricated by goodwill and forgiveness. If you think you can write stern emails to bring everyone into compliance with your version of correct behavior, it’s over.

Shared expenses at a beach house aren’t going to be agreed upon in advance. When you’re there and the a/c is broken, no one wants to send three quotes to their nephew and wait for his reply. You just get stuff done. Things need replacing all the time.

m

Since when does broken A/C = high end DR furniture?