Co-owning the second home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

So it’s a relationship based on doing whatever the uncle and his family want rather than being adults and discussing non-emergency purchases in advance?

NP here. This also seems like a relationship where OP and her DH don't do any of the work and are fine allowing the uncle and his family to do all of the necessary homeownership maintenance and admin while they still get to enjoy owning the house. Yet they want the power of veto for furniture that they decide is too expensive, yet OP admits they can afford it.

I have no idea whether the uncle's family is taking advantage of DH by requesting reimbursement for excessively expensive furniture. But DH is taking advantage of not doing anything homeownership wise 100% of the time while his adult kids love to go to this beach house every year.

These kind of power dynamics really irk me, and I have one involving the care of one of my parents' homes. My siblings are perfectly fine sitting back and not lifting a finger to help with the day to day grind, but then want to sweep in and say "yeah no, I don't like that" once in a while to exert power. Maintaining a home is a PITA, especially if you don't live there and it is a second home. Thinking it is ok for the uncle to bear this responsibility 100% of the time is not ok. It's not. So either get more involved and actually "co-own" the home or let them buy you out.

You can’t chide OP and her husband, they aren’t the co owners. A man with dementia is. OP hasn’t been able to bear responsibility. I’m not sure why his son and uncle haven’t already transferred his share of the home since he isn’t capable of making the executive decisions needed for this.

Of course I can because DH slide right into the role of his father and kept the hands off approach. And OP says they don’t want to sell because her own adult children still like going to the beach house all summer. So yes, the OP and her DH love all the benefits of “co-owning” but want none of the responsibility. They want it both ways.

That is simply not true. DH's father finally kept the hands off approach because his brother and wife refused to allow them to have any role in the management of the home. In fact, a few years ago MiL was speaking with her insurance agent who knows both families and brought up the beach house for summer reason. The agent was surprised to know the house was co-owned as the uncle had opened an insurance policy on it and he and his wife are listed as the sole owners.

Moreover, the FiL and uncle have had a 50/50 expense split on the property for the summer months. A few years ago, DH was informed by one of the beach house neighbors that the uncle and wife were there for an additional month and had been for several summers while still billing ILs for 50% of all utilities, etc.

As I've said, DH has grossed up what he pays to reflect a management fee of sorts. And we rented out our prime home in highly coveted DC neighborhood, so we know what is the going rate for a management fee.

Ffs, if you can own a home in “a highly coveted dc neighborhood” and can afford a manager when you rent it out, stop raging about the cost of this furniture. That your children will be sitting on.

DH can tell them he wants to discuss such expenses in the future, before they are incurred. If you feel the need to quibble over Pottery Barn prices or whatever in the future—knock yourself out.

Reading comprehension: he did. He did this when he took over from his father roughly three years ago. "Uncle, I know you had an arrangement with my dad. Going forward, we can split the duties or you can provide an accounting of the expenses. I need to get a handle on where the money goes in order that I can budget accordingly." He has done this every summer and he JUST did when he cut the check for the annual expenses. His uncle told him X, then mailed him a receipt for a furniture purchase with a date BEFORE DH asked him for the list of expenses and the estimate for the year. The furniture had already been ordered.

You’re so upset about this that you’re arguing with strangers, and I think you need to just dissolve the partnership ASAP.

But fwiw in our co-owned vacation house the person doing the unpaid labor of managing it makes mistakes all the time, and none of us would blink if they forgot about the furniture. I also don’t even know what he would say if we asked for an estimate in advance? There’s just an annual call for receipts and then a reconciliation. The predictable expenses are kind of divvied up already.

Can I ask one more thing, why do you say “cut the check” so much?

LOL. At least PP is invested. That explains her emotion. You're here.... why?

And you are smoking crack, sir, if you think proper accounting translates to an 'annual call for receipts'. You don't know d*ck about management. A contract should be drawn up with a clear spending limit/authority and annual management rotates amongst all parties. If one refuses there is either a cost to opt out or a loss of privileges.

The uncle is little atmospheres out of line. So much so that I can all but guarantee he is skimming funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a nightmare and suddenly posting several defensive replies when called out. Op is so so rich, with multiple fancy homes, and doesn’t mind not having to do squat in maintenance of the house. But GDI if the uncle and his wife spend an extra month there or if some insurance agent thinks it’s only owned by the uncle (WTF with that irrelevant story). What does any of that have to do with pottery barn furniture?

Your own self importance is awful.

Your inability to read and comprehend what OP wrote is awful. She said multiple times that her DH offered to take on the maintenance aspects. No idea why you think she's being self important, what a weird take. She's probably frustrated because in typical DCUM fashion nobody seems to want to pay attention to the details and would rather just harp on the OPs.

14:06 and 14:08, thanks for your comments.

We do not have endless money and what we have is not for someone else to decide how to spend. We have one child who will probably need financial supports for their entire life. I have one sibling who requires support. We covered my parents' expenses for their final years. We may have to provide some support for DH's parents. Yes, we have a second home, not luxurious, but allows us to get away. We are grateful for it.

I'm not sure how the financial misrepresentation by the uncle is irrelevant. If you co-owned property, only to learn later that the other owner took out an insurance policy on the property in their name only, I can't imagine you would be chill about that. Given that the uncle asks for 50/50, why didn't he ask my ILs for that for the policy? My MiL had never seen it and knew nothing about it. Clearly the agent thought something was fishy or he wouldn't have raised it with her.

Look, I grew up in a family where the focus was very much on fairness and equity, so this behavior may floor me more than others, but this doesn't seem normal to me. I would never treat my siblings or elders this way. My parents may not have had much but they raised us to be rational and generous. I don't see what the uncle, wife, and cousins do is even remotely in that spirit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a nightmare and suddenly posting several defensive replies when called out. Op is so so rich, with multiple fancy homes, and doesn’t mind not having to do squat in maintenance of the house. But GDI if the uncle and his wife spend an extra month there or if some insurance agent thinks it’s only owned by the uncle (WTF with that irrelevant story). What does any of that have to do with pottery barn furniture?

Your own self importance is awful.

Your inability to read and comprehend what OP wrote is awful. She said multiple times that her DH offered to take on the maintenance aspects. No idea why you think she's being self important, what a weird take. She's probably frustrated because in typical DCUM fashion nobody seems to want to pay attention to the details and would rather just harp on the OPs.

14:06 and 14:08, thanks for your comments.

We do not have endless money and what we have is not for someone else to decide how to spend. We have one child who will probably need financial supports for their entire life. I have one sibling who requires support. We covered my parents' expenses for their final years. We may have to provide some support for DH's parents. Yes, we have a second home, not luxurious, but allows us to get away. We are grateful for it.

I'm not sure how the financial misrepresentation by the uncle is irrelevant. If you co-owned property, only to learn later that the other owner took out an insurance policy on the property in their name only, I can't imagine you would be chill about that. Given that the uncle asks for 50/50, why didn't he ask my ILs for that for the policy? My MiL had never seen it and knew nothing about it. Clearly the agent thought something was fishy or he wouldn't have raised it with her.

Look, I grew up in a family where the focus was very much on fairness and equity, so this behavior may floor me more than others, but this doesn't seem normal to me. I would never treat my siblings or elders this way. My parents may not have had much but they raised us to be rational and generous. I don't see what the uncle, wife, and cousins do is even remotely in that spirit.

You Ned to sit down with your uncle and have them buy you out or say anything cosmetic needs to be approved in advances and financially we cannot do things like expensive furniture. It’s ok to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

So it’s a relationship based on doing whatever the uncle and his family want rather than being adults and discussing non-emergency purchases in advance?

NP here. This also seems like a relationship where OP and her DH don't do any of the work and are fine allowing the uncle and his family to do all of the necessary homeownership maintenance and admin while they still get to enjoy owning the house. Yet they want the power of veto for furniture that they decide is too expensive, yet OP admits they can afford it.

I have no idea whether the uncle's family is taking advantage of DH by requesting reimbursement for excessively expensive furniture. But DH is taking advantage of not doing anything homeownership wise 100% of the time while his adult kids love to go to this beach house every year.

These kind of power dynamics really irk me, and I have one involving the care of one of my parents' homes. My siblings are perfectly fine sitting back and not lifting a finger to help with the day to day grind, but then want to sweep in and say "yeah no, I don't like that" once in a while to exert power. Maintaining a home is a PITA, especially if you don't live there and it is a second home. Thinking it is ok for the uncle to bear this responsibility 100% of the time is not ok. It's not. So either get more involved and actually "co-own" the home or let them buy you out.

You can’t chide OP and her husband, they aren’t the co owners. A man with dementia is. OP hasn’t been able to bear responsibility. I’m not sure why his son and uncle haven’t already transferred his share of the home since he isn’t capable of making the executive decisions needed for this.

Of course I can because DH slide right into the role of his father and kept the hands off approach. And OP says they don’t want to sell because her own adult children still like going to the beach house all summer. So yes, the OP and her DH love all the benefits of “co-owning” but want none of the responsibility. They want it both ways.

That is simply not true. DH's father finally kept the hands off approach because his brother and wife refused to allow them to have any role in the management of the home. In fact, a few years ago MiL was speaking with her insurance agent who knows both families and brought up the beach house for summer reason. The agent was surprised to know the house was co-owned as the uncle had opened an insurance policy on it and he and his wife are listed as the sole owners.

Moreover, the FiL and uncle have had a 50/50 expense split on the property for the summer months. A few years ago, DH was informed by one of the beach house neighbors that the uncle and wife were there for an additional month and had been for several summers while still billing ILs for 50% of all utilities, etc.

As I've said, DH has grossed up what he pays to reflect a management fee of sorts. And we rented out our prime home in highly coveted DC neighborhood, so we know what is the going rate for a management fee.

Ffs, if you can own a home in “a highly coveted dc neighborhood” and can afford a manager when you rent it out, stop raging about the cost of this furniture. That your children will be sitting on.

DH can tell them he wants to discuss such expenses in the future, before they are incurred. If you feel the need to quibble over Pottery Barn prices or whatever in the future—knock yourself out.

Reading comprehension: he did. He did this when he took over from his father roughly three years ago. "Uncle, I know you had an arrangement with my dad. Going forward, we can split the duties or you can provide an accounting of the expenses. I need to get a handle on where the money goes in order that I can budget accordingly." He has done this every summer and he JUST did when he cut the check for the annual expenses. His uncle told him X, then mailed him a receipt for a furniture purchase with a date BEFORE DH asked him for the list of expenses and the estimate for the year. The furniture had already been ordered.

You’re so upset about this that you’re arguing with strangers, and I think you need to just dissolve the partnership ASAP.

But fwiw in our co-owned vacation house the person doing the unpaid labor of managing it makes mistakes all the time, and none of us would blink if they forgot about the furniture. I also don’t even know what he would say if we asked for an estimate in advance? There’s just an annual call for receipts and then a reconciliation. The predictable expenses are kind of divvied up already.

Can I ask one more thing, why do you say “cut the check” so much?

LOL. At least PP is invested. That explains her emotion. You're here.... why?

And you are smoking crack, sir, if you think proper accounting translates to an 'annual call for receipts'. You don't know d*ck about management. A contract should be drawn up with a clear spending limit/authority and annual management rotates amongst all parties. If one refuses there is either a cost to opt out or a loss of privileges.

The uncle is little atmospheres out of line. So much so that I can all but guarantee he is skimming funds.

The first year DH asked for an accounting of the expenses, he discovered that his aunt and cousins were receiving 4-digit checks. DH asked why. Uncle told him supplies. DH asked if that means we should submit receipts for our supplies. Uncle said, "that's not the same." We've bought stuff for years and never expected to receive a receipt. There's nothing rational about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

So it’s a relationship based on doing whatever the uncle and his family want rather than being adults and discussing non-emergency purchases in advance?

NP here. This also seems like a relationship where OP and her DH don't do any of the work and are fine allowing the uncle and his family to do all of the necessary homeownership maintenance and admin while they still get to enjoy owning the house. Yet they want the power of veto for furniture that they decide is too expensive, yet OP admits they can afford it.

I have no idea whether the uncle's family is taking advantage of DH by requesting reimbursement for excessively expensive furniture. But DH is taking advantage of not doing anything homeownership wise 100% of the time while his adult kids love to go to this beach house every year.

These kind of power dynamics really irk me, and I have one involving the care of one of my parents' homes. My siblings are perfectly fine sitting back and not lifting a finger to help with the day to day grind, but then want to sweep in and say "yeah no, I don't like that" once in a while to exert power. Maintaining a home is a PITA, especially if you don't live there and it is a second home. Thinking it is ok for the uncle to bear this responsibility 100% of the time is not ok. It's not. So either get more involved and actually "co-own" the home or let them buy you out.

You can’t chide OP and her husband, they aren’t the co owners. A man with dementia is. OP hasn’t been able to bear responsibility. I’m not sure why his son and uncle haven’t already transferred his share of the home since he isn’t capable of making the executive decisions needed for this.

Of course I can because DH slide right into the role of his father and kept the hands off approach. And OP says they don’t want to sell because her own adult children still like going to the beach house all summer. So yes, the OP and her DH love all the benefits of “co-owning” but want none of the responsibility. They want it both ways.

That is simply not true. DH's father finally kept the hands off approach because his brother and wife refused to allow them to have any role in the management of the home. In fact, a few years ago MiL was speaking with her insurance agent who knows both families and brought up the beach house for summer reason. The agent was surprised to know the house was co-owned as the uncle had opened an insurance policy on it and he and his wife are listed as the sole owners.

Moreover, the FiL and uncle have had a 50/50 expense split on the property for the summer months. A few years ago, DH was informed by one of the beach house neighbors that the uncle and wife were there for an additional month and had been for several summers while still billing ILs for 50% of all utilities, etc.

As I've said, DH has grossed up what he pays to reflect a management fee of sorts. And we rented out our prime home in highly coveted DC neighborhood, so we know what is the going rate for a management fee.

Ffs, if you can own a home in “a highly coveted dc neighborhood” and can afford a manager when you rent it out, stop raging about the cost of this furniture. That your children will be sitting on.

DH can tell them he wants to discuss such expenses in the future, before they are incurred. If you feel the need to quibble over Pottery Barn prices or whatever in the future—knock yourself out.

Reading comprehension: he did. He did this when he took over from his father roughly three years ago. "Uncle, I know you had an arrangement with my dad. Going forward, we can split the duties or you can provide an accounting of the expenses. I need to get a handle on where the money goes in order that I can budget accordingly." He has done this every summer and he JUST did when he cut the check for the annual expenses. His uncle told him X, then mailed him a receipt for a furniture purchase with a date BEFORE DH asked him for the list of expenses and the estimate for the year. The furniture had already been ordered.

You’re so upset about this that you’re arguing with strangers, and I think you need to just dissolve the partnership ASAP.

But fwiw in our co-owned vacation house the person doing the unpaid labor of managing it makes mistakes all the time, and none of us would blink if they forgot about the furniture. I also don’t even know what he would say if we asked for an estimate in advance? There’s just an annual call for receipts and then a reconciliation. The predictable expenses are kind of divvied up already.

Can I ask one more thing, why do you say “cut the check” so much?

LOL. At least PP is invested. That explains her emotion. You're here.... why?

And you are smoking crack, sir, if you think proper accounting translates to an 'annual call for receipts'. You don't know d*ck about management. A contract should be drawn up with a clear spending limit/authority and annual management rotates amongst all parties. If one refuses there is either a cost to opt out or a loss of privileges.

The uncle is little atmospheres out of line. So much so that I can all but guarantee he is skimming funds.

The first year DH asked for an accounting of the expenses, he discovered that his aunt and cousins were receiving 4-digit checks. DH asked why. Uncle told him supplies. DH asked if that means we should submit receipts for our supplies. Uncle said, "that's not the same." We've bought stuff for years and never expected to receive a receipt. There's nothing rational about that.

*receive reimbursement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

So it’s a relationship based on doing whatever the uncle and his family want rather than being adults and discussing non-emergency purchases in advance?

NP here. This also seems like a relationship where OP and her DH don't do any of the work and are fine allowing the uncle and his family to do all of the necessary homeownership maintenance and admin while they still get to enjoy owning the house. Yet they want the power of veto for furniture that they decide is too expensive, yet OP admits they can afford it.

I have no idea whether the uncle's family is taking advantage of DH by requesting reimbursement for excessively expensive furniture. But DH is taking advantage of not doing anything homeownership wise 100% of the time while his adult kids love to go to this beach house every year.

These kind of power dynamics really irk me, and I have one involving the care of one of my parents' homes. My siblings are perfectly fine sitting back and not lifting a finger to help with the day to day grind, but then want to sweep in and say "yeah no, I don't like that" once in a while to exert power. Maintaining a home is a PITA, especially if you don't live there and it is a second home. Thinking it is ok for the uncle to bear this responsibility 100% of the time is not ok. It's not. So either get more involved and actually "co-own" the home or let them buy you out.

You can’t chide OP and her husband, they aren’t the co owners. A man with dementia is. OP hasn’t been able to bear responsibility. I’m not sure why his son and uncle haven’t already transferred his share of the home since he isn’t capable of making the executive decisions needed for this.

Of course I can because DH slide right into the role of his father and kept the hands off approach. And OP says they don’t want to sell because her own adult children still like going to the beach house all summer. So yes, the OP and her DH love all the benefits of “co-owning” but want none of the responsibility. They want it both ways.

That is simply not true. DH's father finally kept the hands off approach because his brother and wife refused to allow them to have any role in the management of the home. In fact, a few years ago MiL was speaking with her insurance agent who knows both families and brought up the beach house for summer reason. The agent was surprised to know the house was co-owned as the uncle had opened an insurance policy on it and he and his wife are listed as the sole owners.

Moreover, the FiL and uncle have had a 50/50 expense split on the property for the summer months. A few years ago, DH was informed by one of the beach house neighbors that the uncle and wife were there for an additional month and had been for several summers while still billing ILs for 50% of all utilities, etc.

As I've said, DH has grossed up what he pays to reflect a management fee of sorts. And we rented out our prime home in highly coveted DC neighborhood, so we know what is the going rate for a management fee.

Ffs, if you can own a home in “a highly coveted dc neighborhood” and can afford a manager when you rent it out, stop raging about the cost of this furniture. That your children will be sitting on.

DH can tell them he wants to discuss such expenses in the future, before they are incurred. If you feel the need to quibble over Pottery Barn prices or whatever in the future—knock yourself out.

Reading comprehension: he did. He did this when he took over from his father roughly three years ago. "Uncle, I know you had an arrangement with my dad. Going forward, we can split the duties or you can provide an accounting of the expenses. I need to get a handle on where the money goes in order that I can budget accordingly." He has done this every summer and he JUST did when he cut the check for the annual expenses. His uncle told him X, then mailed him a receipt for a furniture purchase with a date BEFORE DH asked him for the list of expenses and the estimate for the year. The furniture had already been ordered.

You’re so upset about this that you’re arguing with strangers, and I think you need to just dissolve the partnership ASAP.

But fwiw in our co-owned vacation house the person doing the unpaid labor of managing it makes mistakes all the time, and none of us would blink if they forgot about the furniture. I also don’t even know what he would say if we asked for an estimate in advance? There’s just an annual call for receipts and then a reconciliation. The predictable expenses are kind of divvied up already.

Can I ask one more thing, why do you say “cut the check” so much?

LOL. At least PP is invested. That explains her emotion. You're here.... why?

And you are smoking crack, sir, if you think proper accounting translates to an 'annual call for receipts'. You don't know d*ck about management. A contract should be drawn up with a clear spending limit/authority and annual management rotates amongst all parties. If one refuses there is either a cost to opt out or a loss of privileges.

The uncle is little atmospheres out of line. So much so that I can all but guarantee he is skimming funds.

The first year DH asked for an accounting of the expenses, he discovered that his aunt and cousins were receiving 4-digit checks. DH asked why. Uncle told him supplies. DH asked if that means we should submit receipts for our supplies. Uncle said, "that's not the same." We've bought stuff for years and never expected to receive a receipt. There's nothing rational about that.

Checks from where? Are you paying into a joint checking account that's used for expenses for the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a nightmare and suddenly posting several defensive replies when called out. Op is so so rich, with multiple fancy homes, and doesn’t mind not having to do squat in maintenance of the house. But GDI if the uncle and his wife spend an extra month there or if some insurance agent thinks it’s only owned by the uncle (WTF with that irrelevant story). What does any of that have to do with pottery barn furniture?

Your own self importance is awful.

Your inability to read and comprehend what OP wrote is awful. She said multiple times that her DH offered to take on the maintenance aspects. No idea why you think she's being self important, what a weird take. She's probably frustrated because in typical DCUM fashion nobody seems to want to pay attention to the details and would rather just harp on the OPs.

14:06 and 14:08, thanks for your comments.

We do not have endless money and what we have is not for someone else to decide how to spend. We have one child who will probably need financial supports for their entire life. I have one sibling who requires support. We covered my parents' expenses for their final years. We may have to provide some support for DH's parents. Yes, we have a second home, not luxurious, but allows us to get away. We are grateful for it.

I'm not sure how the financial misrepresentation by the uncle is irrelevant. If you co-owned property, only to learn later that the other owner took out an insurance policy on the property in their name only, I can't imagine you would be chill about that. Given that the uncle asks for 50/50, why didn't he ask my ILs for that for the policy? My MiL had never seen it and knew nothing about it. Clearly the agent thought something was fishy or he wouldn't have raised it with her.

Look, I grew up in a family where the focus was very much on fairness and equity, so this behavior may floor me more than others, but this doesn't seem normal to me. I would never treat my siblings or elders this way. My parents may not have had much but they raised us to be rational and generous. I don't see what the uncle, wife, and cousins do is even remotely in that spirit.

This is just way too much personal info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

So it’s a relationship based on doing whatever the uncle and his family want rather than being adults and discussing non-emergency purchases in advance?

NP here. This also seems like a relationship where OP and her DH don't do any of the work and are fine allowing the uncle and his family to do all of the necessary homeownership maintenance and admin while they still get to enjoy owning the house. Yet they want the power of veto for furniture that they decide is too expensive, yet OP admits they can afford it.

I have no idea whether the uncle's family is taking advantage of DH by requesting reimbursement for excessively expensive furniture. But DH is taking advantage of not doing anything homeownership wise 100% of the time while his adult kids love to go to this beach house every year.

These kind of power dynamics really irk me, and I have one involving the care of one of my parents' homes. My siblings are perfectly fine sitting back and not lifting a finger to help with the day to day grind, but then want to sweep in and say "yeah no, I don't like that" once in a while to exert power. Maintaining a home is a PITA, especially if you don't live there and it is a second home. Thinking it is ok for the uncle to bear this responsibility 100% of the time is not ok. It's not. So either get more involved and actually "co-own" the home or let them buy you out.

You can’t chide OP and her husband, they aren’t the co owners. A man with dementia is. OP hasn’t been able to bear responsibility. I’m not sure why his son and uncle haven’t already transferred his share of the home since he isn’t capable of making the executive decisions needed for this.

Of course I can because DH slide right into the role of his father and kept the hands off approach. And OP says they don’t want to sell because her own adult children still like going to the beach house all summer. So yes, the OP and her DH love all the benefits of “co-owning” but want none of the responsibility. They want it both ways.

That is simply not true. DH's father finally kept the hands off approach because his brother and wife refused to allow them to have any role in the management of the home. In fact, a few years ago MiL was speaking with her insurance agent who knows both families and brought up the beach house for summer reason. The agent was surprised to know the house was co-owned as the uncle had opened an insurance policy on it and he and his wife are listed as the sole owners.

Moreover, the FiL and uncle have had a 50/50 expense split on the property for the summer months. A few years ago, DH was informed by one of the beach house neighbors that the uncle and wife were there for an additional month and had been for several summers while still billing ILs for 50% of all utilities, etc.

As I've said, DH has grossed up what he pays to reflect a management fee of sorts. And we rented out our prime home in highly coveted DC neighborhood, so we know what is the going rate for a management fee.

Ffs, if you can own a home in “a highly coveted dc neighborhood” and can afford a manager when you rent it out, stop raging about the cost of this furniture. That your children will be sitting on.

DH can tell them he wants to discuss such expenses in the future, before they are incurred. If you feel the need to quibble over Pottery Barn prices or whatever in the future—knock yourself out.

Reading comprehension: he did. He did this when he took over from his father roughly three years ago. "Uncle, I know you had an arrangement with my dad. Going forward, we can split the duties or you can provide an accounting of the expenses. I need to get a handle on where the money goes in order that I can budget accordingly." He has done this every summer and he JUST did when he cut the check for the annual expenses. His uncle told him X, then mailed him a receipt for a furniture purchase with a date BEFORE DH asked him for the list of expenses and the estimate for the year. The furniture had already been ordered.

You’re so upset about this that you’re arguing with strangers, and I think you need to just dissolve the partnership ASAP.

But fwiw in our co-owned vacation house the person doing the unpaid labor of managing it makes mistakes all the time, and none of us would blink if they forgot about the furniture. I also don’t even know what he would say if we asked for an estimate in advance? There’s just an annual call for receipts and then a reconciliation. The predictable expenses are kind of divvied up already.

Can I ask one more thing, why do you say “cut the check” so much?

LOL. At least PP is invested. That explains her emotion. You're here.... why?

And you are smoking crack, sir, if you think proper accounting translates to an 'annual call for receipts'. You don't know d*ck about management. A contract should be drawn up with a clear spending limit/authority and annual management rotates amongst all parties. If one refuses there is either a cost to opt out or a loss of privileges.

The uncle is little atmospheres out of line. So much so that I can all but guarantee he is skimming funds.

The first year DH asked for an accounting of the expenses, he discovered that his aunt and cousins were receiving 4-digit checks. DH asked why. Uncle told him supplies. DH asked if that means we should submit receipts for our supplies. Uncle said, "that's not the same." We've bought stuff for years and never expected to receive a receipt. There's nothing rational about that.

Checks from where? Are you paying into a joint checking account that's used for expenses for the house?

Yes, DH sends his uncle a check at the beginning of the season and, if necessary, again at the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a nightmare and suddenly posting several defensive replies when called out. Op is so so rich, with multiple fancy homes, and doesn’t mind not having to do squat in maintenance of the house. But GDI if the uncle and his wife spend an extra month there or if some insurance agent thinks it’s only owned by the uncle (WTF with that irrelevant story). What does any of that have to do with pottery barn furniture?

Your own self importance is awful.

Your inability to read and comprehend what OP wrote is awful. She said multiple times that her DH offered to take on the maintenance aspects. No idea why you think she's being self important, what a weird take. She's probably frustrated because in typical DCUM fashion nobody seems to want to pay attention to the details and would rather just harp on the OPs.

14:06 and 14:08, thanks for your comments.

We do not have endless money and what we have is not for someone else to decide how to spend. We have one child who will probably need financial supports for their entire life. I have one sibling who requires support. We covered my parents' expenses for their final years. We may have to provide some support for DH's parents. Yes, we have a second home, not luxurious, but allows us to get away. We are grateful for it.

I'm not sure how the financial misrepresentation by the uncle is irrelevant. If you co-owned property, only to learn later that the other owner took out an insurance policy on the property in their name only, I can't imagine you would be chill about that. Given that the uncle asks for 50/50, why didn't he ask my ILs for that for the policy? My MiL had never seen it and knew nothing about it. Clearly the agent thought something was fishy or he wouldn't have raised it with her.

Look, I grew up in a family where the focus was very much on fairness and equity, so this behavior may floor me more than others, but this doesn't seem normal to me. I would never treat my siblings or elders this way. My parents may not have had much but they raised us to be rational and generous. I don't see what the uncle, wife, and cousins do is even remotely in that spirit.

This is just way too much personal info.

that my parents raised kind, rational children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

So it’s a relationship based on doing whatever the uncle and his family want rather than being adults and discussing non-emergency purchases in advance?

NP here. This also seems like a relationship where OP and her DH don't do any of the work and are fine allowing the uncle and his family to do all of the necessary homeownership maintenance and admin while they still get to enjoy owning the house. Yet they want the power of veto for furniture that they decide is too expensive, yet OP admits they can afford it.

I have no idea whether the uncle's family is taking advantage of DH by requesting reimbursement for excessively expensive furniture. But DH is taking advantage of not doing anything homeownership wise 100% of the time while his adult kids love to go to this beach house every year.

These kind of power dynamics really irk me, and I have one involving the care of one of my parents' homes. My siblings are perfectly fine sitting back and not lifting a finger to help with the day to day grind, but then want to sweep in and say "yeah no, I don't like that" once in a while to exert power. Maintaining a home is a PITA, especially if you don't live there and it is a second home. Thinking it is ok for the uncle to bear this responsibility 100% of the time is not ok. It's not. So either get more involved and actually "co-own" the home or let them buy you out.

You can’t chide OP and her husband, they aren’t the co owners. A man with dementia is. OP hasn’t been able to bear responsibility. I’m not sure why his son and uncle haven’t already transferred his share of the home since he isn’t capable of making the executive decisions needed for this.

Of course I can because DH slide right into the role of his father and kept the hands off approach. And OP says they don’t want to sell because her own adult children still like going to the beach house all summer. So yes, the OP and her DH love all the benefits of “co-owning” but want none of the responsibility. They want it both ways.

That is simply not true. DH's father finally kept the hands off approach because his brother and wife refused to allow them to have any role in the management of the home. In fact, a few years ago MiL was speaking with her insurance agent who knows both families and brought up the beach house for summer reason. The agent was surprised to know the house was co-owned as the uncle had opened an insurance policy on it and he and his wife are listed as the sole owners.

Moreover, the FiL and uncle have had a 50/50 expense split on the property for the summer months. A few years ago, DH was informed by one of the beach house neighbors that the uncle and wife were there for an additional month and had been for several summers while still billing ILs for 50% of all utilities, etc.

As I've said, DH has grossed up what he pays to reflect a management fee of sorts. And we rented out our prime home in highly coveted DC neighborhood, so we know what is the going rate for a management fee.

Ffs, if you can own a home in “a highly coveted dc neighborhood” and can afford a manager when you rent it out, stop raging about the cost of this furniture. That your children will be sitting on.

DH can tell them he wants to discuss such expenses in the future, before they are incurred. If you feel the need to quibble over Pottery Barn prices or whatever in the future—knock yourself out.

Reading comprehension: he did. He did this when he took over from his father roughly three years ago. "Uncle, I know you had an arrangement with my dad. Going forward, we can split the duties or you can provide an accounting of the expenses. I need to get a handle on where the money goes in order that I can budget accordingly." He has done this every summer and he JUST did when he cut the check for the annual expenses. His uncle told him X, then mailed him a receipt for a furniture purchase with a date BEFORE DH asked him for the list of expenses and the estimate for the year. The furniture had already been ordered.

You’re so upset about this that you’re arguing with strangers, and I think you need to just dissolve the partnership ASAP.

But fwiw in our co-owned vacation house the person doing the unpaid labor of managing it makes mistakes all the time, and none of us would blink if they forgot about the furniture. I also don’t even know what he would say if we asked for an estimate in advance? There’s just an annual call for receipts and then a reconciliation. The predictable expenses are kind of divvied up already.

Can I ask one more thing, why do you say “cut the check” so much?

NP here. How exactlly does someone "forget" that they ordered furniture, especially if they are asked for an accounting of all expenses? We're not talking about a small purchases of a garden hose and an extra rose bush. That's likely $5k+. Seems to me it's not that easy to forget.

His wife bought it and he didn’t know yet, or he just plumb forgot! If you asked me to make a list of every $5k purchase I made in the last twelve months I would definitely forget some.

It makes way less sense that he would intentionally withhold the dining room table and then send an invoice later. Why would that be better?

The OP needs to just bail on this beach house. She’s so angry. It’s not going to work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

So it’s a relationship based on doing whatever the uncle and his family want rather than being adults and discussing non-emergency purchases in advance?

NP here. This also seems like a relationship where OP and her DH don't do any of the work and are fine allowing the uncle and his family to do all of the necessary homeownership maintenance and admin while they still get to enjoy owning the house. Yet they want the power of veto for furniture that they decide is too expensive, yet OP admits they can afford it.

I have no idea whether the uncle's family is taking advantage of DH by requesting reimbursement for excessively expensive furniture. But DH is taking advantage of not doing anything homeownership wise 100% of the time while his adult kids love to go to this beach house every year.

So if you made a $5k+ purchase for your beach house that you co-own with a sibling, who has asked your nephew to handle his end of the finances, and the nephew has asked to be informed of big ticket items and just asked for the amount for the coming summer season - and you are holding a receipt for this purchase when you give the number to your nephew, you would forget? Because if so, then woe unto you with the collapse of scientific research into memory.

These kind of power dynamics really irk me, and I have one involving the care of one of my parents' homes. My siblings are perfectly fine sitting back and not lifting a finger to help with the day to day grind, but then want to sweep in and say "yeah no, I don't like that" once in a while to exert power. Maintaining a home is a PITA, especially if you don't live there and it is a second home. Thinking it is ok for the uncle to bear this responsibility 100% of the time is not ok. It's not. So either get more involved and actually "co-own" the home or let them buy you out.

You can’t chide OP and her husband, they aren’t the co owners. A man with dementia is. OP hasn’t been able to bear responsibility. I’m not sure why his son and uncle haven’t already transferred his share of the home since he isn’t capable of making the executive decisions needed for this.

Of course I can because DH slide right into the role of his father and kept the hands off approach. And OP says they don’t want to sell because her own adult children still like going to the beach house all summer. So yes, the OP and her DH love all the benefits of “co-owning” but want none of the responsibility. They want it both ways.

That is simply not true. DH's father finally kept the hands off approach because his brother and wife refused to allow them to have any role in the management of the home. In fact, a few years ago MiL was speaking with her insurance agent who knows both families and brought up the beach house for summer reason. The agent was surprised to know the house was co-owned as the uncle had opened an insurance policy on it and he and his wife are listed as the sole owners.

Moreover, the FiL and uncle have had a 50/50 expense split on the property for the summer months. A few years ago, DH was informed by one of the beach house neighbors that the uncle and wife were there for an additional month and had been for several summers while still billing ILs for 50% of all utilities, etc.

As I've said, DH has grossed up what he pays to reflect a management fee of sorts. And we rented out our prime home in highly coveted DC neighborhood, so we know what is the going rate for a management fee.

Ffs, if you can own a home in “a highly coveted dc neighborhood” and can afford a manager when you rent it out, stop raging about the cost of this furniture. That your children will be sitting on.

DH can tell them he wants to discuss such expenses in the future, before they are incurred. If you feel the need to quibble over Pottery Barn prices or whatever in the future—knock yourself out.

Reading comprehension: he did. He did this when he took over from his father roughly three years ago. "Uncle, I know you had an arrangement with my dad. Going forward, we can split the duties or you can provide an accounting of the expenses. I need to get a handle on where the money goes in order that I can budget accordingly." He has done this every summer and he JUST did when he cut the check for the annual expenses. His uncle told him X, then mailed him a receipt for a furniture purchase with a date BEFORE DH asked him for the list of expenses and the estimate for the year. The furniture had already been ordered.

You’re so upset about this that you’re arguing with strangers, and I think you need to just dissolve the partnership ASAP.

But fwiw in our co-owned vacation house the person doing the unpaid labor of managing it makes mistakes all the time, and none of us would blink if they forgot about the furniture. I also don’t even know what he would say if we asked for an estimate in advance? There’s just an annual call for receipts and then a reconciliation. The predictable expenses are kind of divvied up already.

Can I ask one more thing, why do you say “cut the check” so much?

NP here. How exactlly does someone "forget" that they ordered furniture, especially if they are asked for an accounting of all expenses? We're not talking about a small purchases of a garden hose and an extra rose bush. That's likely $5k+. Seems to me it's not that easy to forget.

His wife bought it and he didn’t know yet, or he just plumb forgot! If you asked me to make a list of every $5k purchase I made in the last twelve months I would definitely forget some.

It makes way less sense that he would intentionally withhold the dining room table and then send an invoice later. Why would that be better?

The OP needs to just bail on this beach house. She’s so angry. It’s not going to work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The uncle is taking advantage of your DH. Calmly, your DH should talk to him and ask why this purchase wasn’t mentioned 2 months ago? Yes, this will probably affect your relationship with the uncle. Too bad, so sad.

Well, I think it depends on whether OP wants to continue a relationship or not. If he values that, he should not argue, mention it to uncle and then get some legal language together to make that clear in the future and just blame his lawyer/financial planner, even if he doesn’t have one.

To me, it’s not about letting people walk all over him or not. It’s about whether he wants to have a relationship with his uncle and cousins. In that case, he will have to let some things slide.

So it’s a relationship based on doing whatever the uncle and his family want rather than being adults and discussing non-emergency purchases in advance?

NP here. This also seems like a relationship where OP and her DH don't do any of the work and are fine allowing the uncle and his family to do all of the necessary homeownership maintenance and admin while they still get to enjoy owning the house. Yet they want the power of veto for furniture that they decide is too expensive, yet OP admits they can afford it.

I have no idea whether the uncle's family is taking advantage of DH by requesting reimbursement for excessively expensive furniture. But DH is taking advantage of not doing anything homeownership wise 100% of the time while his adult kids love to go to this beach house every year.


These kind of power dynamics really irk me, and I have one involving the care of one of my parents' homes. My siblings are perfectly fine sitting back and not lifting a finger to help with the day to day grind, but then want to sweep in and say "yeah no, I don't like that" once in a while to exert power. Maintaining a home is a PITA, especially if you don't live there and it is a second home. Thinking it is ok for the uncle to bear this responsibility 100% of the time is not ok. It's not. So either get more involved and actually "co-own" the home or let them buy you out.

You can’t chide OP and her husband, they aren’t the co owners. A man with dementia is. OP hasn’t been able to bear responsibility. I’m not sure why his son and uncle haven’t already transferred his share of the home since he isn’t capable of making the executive decisions needed for this.

Of course I can because DH slide right into the role of his father and kept the hands off approach. And OP says they don’t want to sell because her own adult children still like going to the beach house all summer. So yes, the OP and her DH love all the benefits of “co-owning” but want none of the responsibility. They want it both ways.

That is simply not true. DH's father finally kept the hands off approach because his brother and wife refused to allow them to have any role in the management of the home. In fact, a few years ago MiL was speaking with her insurance agent who knows both families and brought up the beach house for summer reason. The agent was surprised to know the house was co-owned as the uncle had opened an insurance policy on it and he and his wife are listed as the sole owners.

Moreover, the FiL and uncle have had a 50/50 expense split on the property for the summer months. A few years ago, DH was informed by one of the beach house neighbors that the uncle and wife were there for an additional month and had been for several summers while still billing ILs for 50% of all utilities, etc.

As I've said, DH has grossed up what he pays to reflect a management fee of sorts. And we rented out our prime home in highly coveted DC neighborhood, so we know what is the going rate for a management fee.

Ffs, if you can own a home in “a highly coveted dc neighborhood” and can afford a manager when you rent it out, stop raging about the cost of this furniture. That your children will be sitting on.

DH can tell them he wants to discuss such expenses in the future, before they are incurred. If you feel the need to quibble over Pottery Barn prices or whatever in the future—knock yourself out.

Reading comprehension: he did. He did this when he took over from his father roughly three years ago. "Uncle, I know you had an arrangement with my dad. Going forward, we can split the duties or you can provide an accounting of the expenses. I need to get a handle on where the money goes in order that I can budget accordingly." He has done this every summer and he JUST did when he cut the check for the annual expenses. His uncle told him X, then mailed him a receipt for a furniture purchase with a date BEFORE DH asked him for the list of expenses and the estimate for the year. The furniture had already been ordered.

You’re so upset about this that you’re arguing with strangers, and I think you need to just dissolve the partnership ASAP.

But fwiw in our co-owned vacation house the person doing the unpaid labor of managing it makes mistakes all the time, and none of us would blink if they forgot about the furniture. I also don’t even know what he would say if we asked for an estimate in advance? There’s just an annual call for receipts and then a reconciliation. The predictable expenses are kind of divvied up already.

Can I ask one more thing, why do you say “cut the check” so much?

NP here. How exactlly does someone "forget" that they ordered furniture, especially if they are asked for an accounting of all expenses? We're not talking about a small purchases of a garden hose and an extra rose bush. That's likely $5k+. Seems to me it's not that easy to forget.

His wife bought it and he didn’t know yet, or he just plumb forgot! If you asked me to make a list of every $5k purchase I made in the last twelve months I would definitely forget some.

It makes way less sense that he would intentionally withhold the dining room table and then send an invoice later. Why would that be better?

The OP needs to just bail on this beach house. She’s so angry. It’s not going to work out.

So if you made a $5k+ purchase for your beach house that you co-own with a sibling, who has asked your nephew to handle his end of the finances, and the nephew has asked to be informed of big ticket items and just asked for the amount for the coming summer season - and you are holding a receipt for this purchase when you give the number to your nephew, you would forget? Because if so, then woe unto you with the collapse of scientific research into memory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watching this closely, OP because my FIL bought a tiny condo with his now-deceased brother years ago. Now only my FIL can drive (he’s 81), my MIL has dementia and so the place sits vacant.

FIL hesitant to sell. Claims he wants my DH to inherit but neither DH nor lone sibling wants the hassle.

Cautionary tale to never go into any sort of real estate transaction or legally binding contract with a relative.

This seems like a completely unrelated situation. Your FIL owns a condo and is hesitant to sell. What cautionary tale?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a nightmare and suddenly posting several defensive replies when called out. Op is so so rich, with multiple fancy homes, and doesn’t mind not having to do squat in maintenance of the house. But GDI if the uncle and his wife spend an extra month there or if some insurance agent thinks it’s only owned by the uncle (WTF with that irrelevant story). What does any of that have to do with pottery barn furniture?

Your own self importance is awful.

Your inability to read and comprehend what OP wrote is awful. She said multiple times that her DH offered to take on the maintenance aspects. No idea why you think she's being self important, what a weird take. She's probably frustrated because in typical DCUM fashion nobody seems to want to pay attention to the details and would rather just harp on the OPs.

14:06 and 14:08, thanks for your comments.

We do not have endless money and what we have is not for someone else to decide how to spend. We have one child who will probably need financial supports for their entire life. I have one sibling who requires support. We covered my parents' expenses for their final years. We may have to provide some support for DH's parents. Yes, we have a second home, not luxurious, but allows us to get away. We are grateful for it.

I'm not sure how the financial misrepresentation by the uncle is irrelevant. If you co-owned property, only to learn later that the other owner took out an insurance policy on the property in their name only, I can't imagine you would be chill about that. Given that the uncle asks for 50/50, why didn't he ask my ILs for that for the policy? My MiL had never seen it and knew nothing about it. Clearly the agent thought something was fishy or he wouldn't have raised it with her.

Look, I grew up in a family where the focus was very much on fairness and equity, so this behavior may floor me more than others, but this doesn't seem normal to me. I would never treat my siblings or elders this way. My parents may not have had much but they raised us to be rational and generous. I don't see what the uncle, wife, and cousins do is even remotely in that spirit.

This is just way too much personal info.

that my parents raised kind, rational children?

DCUM doesn’t need to know your biography in excruciating detail. You obviously think you’re in the right and are being scammed so I’m not sure what’s the point of this thread if you’re going to keep arguing and posting about random extended family details that don’t have anything to do with this beach house. You just want people to post “poor you” and be in agreement with you. Why are you even here?

[Anonymous]

OP it seems like you and DH want more ability to forecast expenses and have a say in what is bought. Completely reasonable. But consider that your FIL and his brother may have had a more ongoing accounting system, more of a conversation than a deadline.

I think you’re upset about the situation in general. This is why having multiple owners doesn’t often work. But you’re fixated on this DR purchase and I think you need to let that go and try to start over with expectations and either find something that works for everyone, or find out what the options are for getting out of this. And I would include a lawyer in that convo.

Good luck.