Reply to Coping with anxiety once kids are no longer at home

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.[/quote]

+1 What causes me most anxiety is when they tell me about an issue that has them upset and that they are having trouble dealing with. I don't try to fix their problems, but it does make me worry. But over time, I've realized that they just want to vent to me and don't think to tell me when the issue got resolved (as they always do). They also don't think to tell me the good things going on in their lives so I'm more proactive about steering our conversations toward positive things. I don't want to just be their dumping ground.[/quote]

OP here and I am terrible at this. They tell me everything all the time, big and small issues. I want to save the day, and if I resist saving the day it completely upsets me still that they have some issue. Sometimes I wish they told me a little less of the negative stuff and just would deal on their own. I really dread having a lot of bad calls.[/quote]

Your kids have to feel uncomfortable sometimes - sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, confused, etc. If you fix the problem to alleviate YOUR discomfort with their discomfort, you are doing them a huge disservice. They need to learn how to solve their own problems and rely on themselves. They also need to sit with negative feelings and realize that feelings resolve and will not hurt you. I understand why you feel this way because when my kids are upset it hurts my feelings WAY more than if the same thing happened to me. This is one of the hardest parts of parenting for me. Weirdly I had a very anxious, overprotective mother in many ways but she actually did a really good job of helping me develop good coping and problem solving skills before I left for college. Only now as a (less anxious) parent do I recognize how much restraint that took. [/quote]

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