Teen dd way too critical about how she looks

[Anonymous]

Everyone is beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... why does she need a photo to post a college decision????

I mean, that's really the glaring hole in the plot here.

That’s not the point. The point is she constantly is like this and hypercritical. She should not not post bc she hates how she looks.

There are two issues here. You need to separate them, so that she doesn't regret not posting her college decision. Encourage her to post without a photo.

The other issue is her thought process on how she looks. At her age, so many teens don't like how they look. It's not rational, but it's very normal. I was like this too, except that social media didn't exist and so I wasn't under maximal pressure to exhibit myself. I could just internally deplore my looks without anyone being the wiser! Social media and its emphasis on appearance is TOXIC for girls who need a few more years to feel better about themselves, OP. Why on earth would you add to her distress by adding to the already highly damaging levels of pressure?

None of these girls "need" to post pics (or post at all, really). My teen son didn't use social media as a high school senior, and my teen daughter, who is 14, doesn't use it either - she might change her mind later, but I'm certainly not pushing her in that direction. Girls in particular are entirely overexposed on social media, and a lot are encouraged to post more and more revealing photos by random men who compliment them - under the tutelage of their mothers, sometimes. Please don't be that mother.

Wow, you just made a big movie in your head. I don’t care if she posts, I’m not some influencer mom. And I don’t post my kids ever online, just share privately with grandparents. My issue is that she WANTS to post but will not bc she hates how she looks and it is irrational. Nobody posts without a photo so that would be odd, and obviously this is not a girl thing: boys and girls are posting these. She was the same about her sports banner (something every senior does) and talked endlessly about how bad the pic was while it is great.

Plenty of teens post without photos.

Did you mean to post truly serious concerns about your daughter's body image anxiety? In that case, maybe you should have phrased things differently, and brought up additional examples so we could understand the gravity of the problem.

Right now, you're not coming across as entirely rational about this. Pushing your daughter to post a picture of herself on social media when she's insecure about her looks is the opposite of a wise/healthy decision. You're compounding the problem because you're placing additional stress on her weakness.

If you are truly concerned, you need to bring her for a consultation with a psychologist and then get her some targeted therapy.

NP - I’ve never seen a post without pics on insta decision pages which is likely what this is about…It’s often a little kid pic and a current pic. They are usually close ups.

[Anonymous]

I hear where she is coming from even if I can see form an adult’s perspective that it’s ridiculous. My kids’ older friends fall into gap camps: very conformist girls who fit a specific mold of attractiveness that’s defined by the girls and families with the most money and privilege at their school, and everyone else. I know one girl who is beautiful but doesn’t fit that mold, and isn’t posting her decision to go to Stanford. Posting where you’re going to school already exposes you to a lot of people’s judgement and scrutiny, and your DD probably accurately perceives that for some reason she’ll be vulnerable if she posts her school choice along with her photo.

She might be very pretty and she might even know it, but nothing can make her pretty in the way that she thinks “counts” right now if that’s now how she looks. It sucks but college is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has body issues and needs therapy.

She has Instagram, doesn’t she, op,

[Anonymous]

I think most women are hyper critical about themselves. And as parents it’s hard to know how to handle it.

I would keep telling her “you are beautiful, inside and out. I’m so proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished. Thats what this is about, all your hard work. And looking forward to new experiences.” And just hug and listen to her.

[Anonymous]

Yet another example of how social media has completely ruined everything. Feeling insecure about your appearance as a teenage girl is nothing new. But now, the phenomenon of posting your college acceptance on a very public platform so that the whole world can judge not just your looks, but your college plans, as well—looking at you DCUM College forum—is so incredibly depressing.

Lay off her, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is beautiful.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is refusing to post college decision post bc she hates how she looks, she looks ugly in all the pics… she is objectively wrong bc not one person on earth would think she is not pretty. She’s a conventionally attractive person and the pics are great. She is always like this and it means she agonizes about posting anything, then is upset she did not post…

I have a younger teen who will agonize about things, not do them, then get upset. Not posting college decisions obviously (or any posting, as she's not on social media), but the same pattern of simultaneously wanting to do something and being afraid to do it. Is it the agonizing you are most worried about?

It's really tough to walk her through because you know she wants both things in some ways (to post to be seen and not to in order to stay safe) and you can't help her get that!

Can you get through to what's behind the hyper-criticism? What's she worried is going to happen - people are going to be over critical and talk behind her back or to her face? What's the worst case scenario of not posting?

Or if you're not so worried about the agonizing but you're worried about the body image issues, then focus on that apart from this one post.

[Anonymous]

INSTAGRAM.

Why are you allowing her to use it, OP? It is the source of your problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is beautiful.

That’s the biggest load of crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:INSTAGRAM.

Why are you allowing her to use it, OP? It is the source of your problem here.

Parents of tweens really should not respond to older teen posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:INSTAGRAM.

Why are you allowing her to use it, OP? It is the source of your problem here.

Parents of tweens really should not respond to older teen posts.

DP. The PP is right, though. Instagram has completely shattered so many teens’ self-confidence. It’s all so fake and it’s not worth it. Sure, they get to an age where you’re not in control anymore, but so many parents cave in when their kids are only 10/11/12 thinking it’s harmless fun. You can’t the genie back in the bottle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:INSTAGRAM.

Why are you allowing her to use it, OP? It is the source of your problem here.

Parents of tweens really should not respond to older teen posts.

DP. The PP is right, though. Instagram has completely shattered so many teens’ self-confidence. It’s all so fake and it’s not worth it. Sure, they get to an age where you’re not in control anymore, but so many parents cave in when their kids are only 10/11/12 thinking it’s harmless fun. You can’t the genie back in the bottle.

Instagram IS bad but parents of young people who are near adults really cannot control this. It also was not even a worry for now seniors when they were 10 to 12yos. Thankfully that generation did not even have phones so no Instagram worries!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:INSTAGRAM.

Why are you allowing her to use it, OP? It is the source of your problem here.

Parents of tweens really should not respond to older teen posts.

DP. The PP is right, though. Instagram has completely shattered so many teens’ self-confidence. It’s all so fake and it’s not worth it. Sure, they get to an age where you’re not in control anymore, but so many parents cave in when their kids are only 10/11/12 thinking it’s harmless fun. You can’t the genie back in the bottle.

Instagram IS bad but parents of young people who are near adults really cannot control this. It also was not even a worry for now seniors when they were 10 to 12yos. Thankfully that generation did not even have phones so no Instagram worries!

Huh? That was only 6-7 years ago. Of course they had phones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:INSTAGRAM.

Why are you allowing her to use it, OP? It is the source of your problem here.

Parents of tweens really should not respond to older teen posts.

DP. The PP is right, though. Instagram has completely shattered so many teens’ self-confidence. It’s all so fake and it’s not worth it. Sure, they get to an age where you’re not in control anymore, but so many parents cave in when their kids are only 10/11/12 thinking it’s harmless fun. You can’t the genie back in the bottle.

Instagram IS bad but parents of young people who are near adults really cannot control this. It also was not even a worry for now seniors when they were 10 to 12yos. Thankfully that generation did not even have phones so no Instagram worries!

Huh? That was only 6-7 years ago. Of course they had phones.

My ds did not get one until freshman year. Maybe some kids had one but he was not an outlier.