It’s me. I’m the problem

[Anonymous]

OP, are you local to your children? It's confusing because you mention you don't eat well when you are at their home. Is that for a random meal or do you stay overnight? Communication is key here. If you can help with the kids 2 days a week, tell them. If it's 0 days, you need to let them know. Maybe you can be Plan B when baby is sick and can't go to daycare. Every parent needs backup reliable backup care too.

[Anonymous]

What did you actually say when you talked with them? Maybe you weren't very clear.

If they're decent people they'll want to help and getting some groceries that you like should not be a major problem. And what is the sleep problem-- uncomfortable bed, baby noise, something else?

[Anonymous]

If you're trying to tiptoe around the issue, it won't work. They're not going to be familiar enough with aging issues to process what you're hinting at.

Pick out some foods that work well for you, that are frozen or shelf-stable like canned soup or whatever. Tell your hosts that you are having some trouble with your digestion and would like to send these foods in advance of your visit. And then just do it. Or get them at the store or bring them in your suitcase if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a problem. Are you able to help pay for the cost of a nanny? If you can help in that way, great. If you can't, that's okay too. It isn't your responsibility to provide full time childcare. The only way I would feel badly is if you had recently committed to providing childcare and now you are changing your mind.

OP here: Our kids are in their 30s and 40s and are much wealthier than we are so money is not an issue. They both have significantly higher pressure jobs and both WFH. They want/need a daycare situation.

I told my kids that they should not depend on physical labor from us after DH turned 60. They pay their way. Like your kids, they are not poor.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, don’t be sad! I am a millennial so more in your adult children’s shoes…these are their own choices! Don’t feel bad that you can’t provide free childcare. No one is forcing them to take on that big mortgage, to be endlessly ambitious at work, to guilt you so they can save a few dollars by wringing as much free labor out of you as they can. Not saying your children are exactly like this, but the people I know who expect this kind of thing from the grandparents really can be entitled in a way that makes me sad. And I get that it was something you really wanted to offer to them, but this is supposed to be your golden age in life to slow down, relax, enjoy yourself, have cute sweet little visits with the grandchildren on your own terms. You will think of different ways to bond with the grandchildren, to help your kids, to make the time together meaningful.

On the flip side I also have friends who sadly are already caring for parents with degenerative conditions associated with age, and that happens too. Sounds like this is not you right now, and that is a grateful position to be in! Just focus on being the best and healthiest version of yourself, and let them know what you can offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 84 year old MIL mows her own lawn, shovels her own work and makes XMAS and Thanksgiving dinner for 30-40 people no problem.

Maybe problem is you are lazy.

Dang, what is up with the trolls on here today? People being mean just to be mean. Go away.

Maam, this is dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandchildren are the greatest joy in my life. I push through significant health issues to spend quality time with them, but I’m getting older and it’s getting harder and harder. I will say I’m very respectful of my adult children and their parenting style and the joy I get seeing them as parents is immeasurable. It is not easy to raise little humans these days and that’s an understatement
But I’m exhausted. I don’t eat well when I’m at their homes. Understandably, their food choices are in deference to very hectic schedules. I don’t get enough sleep and I have come to realize I’m not strong enough to be the grandma I once was and want to still be.
I do and have talked to my adult kids but they don’t get it. I don’t think it’s selfish but rather can’t acknowledge that grandma and grandpa are aging. They can’t (won’t) fathom the concept that we are probably not going to be alive as long as we all thought we would be.
I realize….we need to cut back and focus on ourselves. But…..
One of our adult children has a newborn and need to go back to work. With parents not vaccinating kids it’s very scary to put a 4 month old in daycare but the reality is the grandparents are too fragile to take on the job of daycare.
I’m just so sad.

Infants are never fully vacinated. You need to tak to them. You can babysit but cannot be a full time caregiver. When you visit, stay at a hotel and bring food or order delivery. Lots of ways to make it work. Or, offer to pay for their travel costs to visit you.

[Anonymous]

I don't get what they are expecting you to do exactly. You said they want daycare. So is the issue you do not want to watch the baby once in a while?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 84 year old MIL mows her own lawn, shovels her own work and makes XMAS and Thanksgiving dinner for 30-40 people no problem.

Maybe problem is you are lazy.

My 37 yr old DIL, takes care of 3 kids and a full time job. On top of that, she hosts XMAS and THANKSGIVING dinner for the extended family and takes care of her parents too. My DS is too busy with his career to wash dishes at home but he also provides for the family by earning big bucks. They also have a nanny.

I think PP, the OP's kids are too selfish. That is the problem.

Your dil must be completely exhausted. There is a middle ground. Many women put themselves last and suffer in silence because others with less on their plate expect them to serve and serve. My in-laws would post exactly what you did, thinking it's a compliment, but it's not. It just means they don't pause and think maybe a little help here and there would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandchildren are the greatest joy in my life. I push through significant health issues to spend quality time with them, but I’m getting older and it’s getting harder and harder. I will say I’m very respectful of my adult children and their parenting style and the joy I get seeing them as parents is immeasurable. It is not easy to raise little humans these days and that’s an understatement
But I’m exhausted. I don’t eat well when I’m at their homes. Understandably, their food choices are in deference to very hectic schedules. I don’t get enough sleep and I have come to realize I’m not strong enough to be the grandma I once was and want to still be.
I do and have talked to my adult kids but they don’t get it. I don’t think it’s selfish but rather can’t acknowledge that grandma and grandpa are aging. They can’t (won’t) fathom the concept that we are probably not going to be alive as long as we all thought we would be.
I realize….we need to cut back and focus on ourselves. But…..
One of our adult children has a newborn and need to go back to work. With parents not vaccinating kids it’s very scary to put a 4 month old in daycare but the reality is the grandparents are too fragile to take on the job of daycare.
I’m just so sad.

Op, you’re looking for someone to tell you that your kids should accept half a$$ care from you and worship you for it. You’re looking for someone to empower and you.

As you see, no one is telling you that. They’re telling you that your help is not needed if you can’t correctly give it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 84 year old MIL mows her own lawn, shovels her own work and makes XMAS and Thanksgiving dinner for 30-40 people no problem.

Maybe problem is you are lazy.

My 37 yr old DIL, takes care of 3 kids and a full time job. On top of that, she hosts XMAS and THANKSGIVING dinner for the extended family and takes care of her parents too. My DS is too busy with his career to wash dishes at home but he also provides for the family by earning big bucks. They also have a nanny.

I think PP, the OP's kids are too selfish. That is the problem.

Your dil must be completely exhausted. There is a middle ground. Many women put themselves last and suffer in silence because others with less on their plate expect them to serve and serve. My in-laws would post exactly what you did, thinking it's a compliment, but it's not. It just means they don't pause and think maybe a little help here and there would be nice.

Omg yes! I read the above comment and thought, “PP wants us all to be wow-ed by how incredible her DIL is, and all
I can see is how utterly selfish and blind the rest of the family is to think this is just fine”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a problem. Are you able to help pay for the cost of a nanny? If you can help in that way, great. If you can't, that's okay too. It isn't your responsibility to provide full time childcare. The only way I would feel badly is if you had recently committed to providing childcare and now you are changing your mind.

OP here: Our kids are in their 30s and 40s and are much wealthier than we are so money is not an issue. They both have significantly higher pressure jobs and both WFH. They want/need a daycare situation.

Say NO. You can't keep up with what a nanny can do, you're too old. You're not the nanny. They need to hire a nanny, and when nanny calls out or is on vacation, grandma can be a back up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a problem. Are you able to help pay for the cost of a nanny? If you can help in that way, great. If you can't, that's okay too. It isn't your responsibility to provide full time childcare. The only way I would feel badly is if you had recently committed to providing childcare and now you are changing your mind.

OP here: Our kids are in their 30s and 40s and are much wealthier than we are so money is not an issue. They both have significantly higher pressure jobs and both WFH. They want/need a daycare situation.

Say NO. You can't keep up with what a nanny can do, you're too old. You're not the nanny. They need to hire a nanny, and when nanny calls out or is on vacation, grandma can be a back up.

Tell them to call an agency, and in meantime, use care.com

[Anonymous]

Don’t feel bad, OP! We are aware of our parents’ limitations. But do communicate and don’t overpromise. It’s ok to pull back, just be honest with them and yourself.

Your kids can get a nanny if they don’t want to put your grandchildren in daycare so young. It sounds like you’re willing to help out a little bit still, which could help with making sure they don’t need to pay overtime for a nanny if you can watch the grandkids for a few hours here and there.

One of my friends had her MIL watching her DD full time for 2 years. MIL finally communicated that she was too tired and they needed to put the 2 yo in daycare. It went great and there were no hard feelings.

[Anonymous]

The parents story doesn't add up either OP. Assuming they claim they are afraid of unvaxxed kids at daycare. Ask daycare if they require vaccination record. Ours did in Tysons. This sounds like an excuse if this is their claim.