It’s me. I’m the problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes these issues arise when one adult child perceives inequity. Maybe grandma was the daycare provider for her first grandkid(s) but now that another adult child has had a child that child feels entitled to the same support kid #1 got. That feeling of being treated inequitably could be blinding them to the reality of whether grandma is physically and mentally up for the job.

This is accurate .. My two older sisters literally argued over our mothers assistance w their kids..S2 received more help than S1 .. S1 lives further had her one and only later .. Was a mess.

I on the other hand simply paid for help. The end

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:.

OP here. My kids don’t expect me to provide childcare. It’s me that has a hard time seeing her go to daycare while she’s too young to be vaccinated. My kids did have fertility issues so they are older. Not for lack of trying!
Do all/most daycares require vaccinations? I was not aware of this.

WTF? Your first post was dripping with martyrdom on how tired elderly grandma was being expected to watch the children and not even given good food! Poor granny and everyone heaped on sympathy. Now you update that the kids are in daycare but it’s just that you don’t approve of this choice.

Having your mother or mother in law provide childcare in your home while working would be the 7th circle of hell for everyone. Be thankful that your adult children are smarter than you and wisely chose daycare! Remember that you are a grandparent NOT a parent. Not your place to judge.

As to not liking their food or sleeping well when you visit, bring your own food or sleeping in a hotel!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a problem. Are you able to help pay for the cost of a nanny? If you can help in that way, great. If you can't, that's okay too. It isn't your responsibility to provide full time childcare. The only way I would feel badly is if you had recently committed to providing childcare and now you are changing your mind.

OP here: Our kids are in their 30s and 40s and are much wealthier than we are so money is not an issue. They both have significantly higher pressure jobs and both WFH. They want/need a daycare situation.

Can you help out until the baby is vaccinated?

Look, you're not obligated to do so. But, I certainly would at least try given the current outbreaks happening and inability for the baby to get vaxxed right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communicate clearly about what you are willing and not willing to do.

All school year my mom gushes about how she can't wait to host "Camp Grandma" at her house for a week or two over the summer. And every year when it comes time to set the weeks, she decides she's not physically capable of keeping up with 2 kids for a week. Which is fine! But I hate that she lies to me, to my kids, and to herself for 10 months of the year and sets all of us up for disappointment.

Haha - I had to tell my in-laws to quit talking about this crazy camp idea. They talked about it for years and said my two kids were too young. Then, they decided they would only offer this camp to my 9yo (at the time), not my 7yo. It’s just a fantasy. They saw some friends do it, but they could never fully wrap their heads around it. And the way they excluded my younger child in front of her… that was the last straw. They are 78 now… and the kids are 12 and almost 10. The ship has sailed and that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

At tea time, everybody agrees
(sorry couldn't help myself)

[Anonymous]

My mom was a lot of help with kids of my older siblings, not so much with mine or younger siblings. Not because she cared less or more but because she had less physical and financial energy left after retirement and aging.

[Anonymous]

May be a baby sitter and/or maid can help and you can supervise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a problem. Are you able to help pay for the cost of a nanny? If you can help in that way, great. If you can't, that's okay too. It isn't your responsibility to provide full time childcare. The only way I would feel badly is if you had recently committed to providing childcare and now you are changing your mind.

Why the hell should OP pay for her adult children to hire a nanny for their baby? The baby is not her responsibility.

Families are like corporations. If you are in a position to help, you should help.

[Anonymous]

Maybe write them a letter?

You can emphasize the joy they all bring you, but honestly lay out your limitations. They cannot argue. They have no insight into aging.

Please feel no guilt, you sound like a great mom (and grandmother)! 🤗